About 4 months ago my wife and I separated. We have been married almost 3 years and have a 4 year old daughter. THings had been bumpy from the get go. She asked me to leave and said she wanted a divorce. We seemed to not ever work together. Shortly after I found someone at work whose company I enjoyed. We became physical right away. Through that relationship I felt wanted, unlike my marriage. However, I realized how much I loved my wife and ended the relationship with the co-worker. My wife did know of the physical relationship I had, but after a few weeks of talking we agreed to go to counseling and save our marriage. Three days later I found out that the co-worker was pregnant and intended to keep the child. Being that my wife and I agreed to be 100% honest with each other I told her as soon as I heard the bad news. My wife and I have had our first counseling session and things went good. We are having the time of our lives when we don't think of the situation we are facing. She is looking for ways or to even see if it is possible to come to terms with the situation. Has anybody gone thru this before? Looking for any suggestions. I love my wife and want to save our marriage. Please help with any ideas.

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: fofatty1771 ]</small>

Geesh! I just read that and instantly thought, I wish my husband were more like you. My suggestion to you is that you should continue to be completely honest with your wife. She is going to go through many changing emotions. Sometimes she will love you completely and then others she will hate you for what you have done. But I assure you, that if you continue to reassure her and love her, she will come around. Never lie to your wife about how you feel about OW or OC. She will know it's a lie and the trust she is starting to build will errode. The hard part was admitting you made a mistake. Now it's up to you both to work on saving your marriage. And don't forget she probably is blaming herself too. She obviously loves you deeply, otherwise she wouldn't go through the heartbreak and mental anguish she is feeling. If you constantly reassure her and include her in your life, she will forgive you. Don't let her mood swings and unhappiness push you away. She is really crying out for you to tell her that you love her, and will not leave her for OW or OC. Good luck.

THank you for your thoughts. I do love my wife and I made terrible mistakes. I do tell my wife I love her with all my heart. Currently I am still living outside of the house because she is unsure of what she wants to do and she doesn't want our daughter to see me come and go. Although she and I have done more things together over the last few weeks. I think there is a chance. I hope my wife and I can work this out. I will continue to be honest with her. Thanks again.

my wife and I have been talking about getting back together and working things out. We probably have spent more time talking and enjoying each others company over the past few weeks than we did over the first 4 to 5 years of our relationship. We seem to be totally commited to each other, but my wife won't say any of those things. She is too scared or hurt to tell me that she loves me or that she wants things to work between us. All of her actions point that way, but I don't know. Granted, I know I hurt her and the situation is definitely painful. I love my wife and I know I screwed up. Her main concern is can she deal with me having a child out of wedlock. My question to anyone who reads this is there ways for her to help cope with this? Are there things I should be doing to help? Looking for any insight. I screwed my family's life up this far, but want to make sure I don't screw it up anymore. Please give any wisdom you might have.

fofatty1771,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry that you are in a situation that resulted in seeking this site but you have found a source of great information and wonderful people to help you.

Please be sure you read ALL parts of this site, starting with the General Welcome for New Builders This link will give you the basics of the site and very important info for understanding some of the responses to your posts.

You have some real positives going for you in your relationship. You are remorseful, wanting to rebuild your marriage and seeking help. Your W, although very understandably scared and hurt, seems to be willing to try also. I'm glad you hear you are both in counseling. You have a good start on the road to recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You should be working a strong Plan A. Read all about Plan A in the Welcome link I provided above. Recovery and rebuilding the marriage is easier if you two are together. Work on the marriage, uniting and strengthening your bond, so you can decide on the OC issues together using the POJA.

fofatty1771, please continue posting, asking questions and seeking support. This board has been slow lately but there are some VERY wonderful people on this forum that can help you out with the OC issues far better than I am able. They can give you very valuable advice regarding DNA testing, child support issues and visitation/custody.

I am able to assure you that the Marriage Builders concepts can work. They have worked for us..

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Thank you very much for your reply Nerlycrzy. I am glad that this forum is here. It seems as if many people here have a lot to share to these situations. I know what I did was wrong. I am extremely remorseful. I love my wife with all my heart and I believe she loves me. I am willing to do anything to make this work. We both agreed to go to counseling and we have had one session and our second is scheduled for Monday. My wife and I have been talking and hanging out a lot of late. All of which no fights have broken out and you can see that both of us have seen the error in our ways. It seems as if we can fufill each others emotional needs now. My wife's biggest fear is how to deal with my affair and the child it is producing. She knows my contact is limited with other woman. I work with the other woman, but I am actively searching for a new job. I am reassuring my love to my wife so often she started joking around calling me her stalker. My wife is a great woman and I messed up a lot. We have a 4 year old daughter who is awesome. I will do anything to have my family back. Open to all advice.

How do you feel about having an OC? Do you want contact? You need to be honest and let your wife know how you really feel about the future that is before you.

THe other woman is packing up and moving back to california. Currently we are in illinois. My wife and I haven't really talked about this part yet. I figured it best to talk about it in our counseling sessions. Due to financial burdens, contact would be limited. I haven't put much thought into contact yet. I am working on assuring my wife that I love her with all my heart. Sounds like something I need to think about. Any suggestions out there on what contact should be?

For the sake of your marriage, it is good that the OW is moving. It sounds like you want a relationship with OC. Just how much contact you will actually have should depend on you and your wife. You can't expect her to be thrilled about the birth of your new baby. Just think of how you would feel if she had a baby with someone else. Once again this comes down to honesty. Figure out what you want, and tell her. Remember if you include her in all of your decisions and actions your marriage will grow stronger. And she will be better able to accept your OC.

It's the secrets and dishonesty that caused/prolongs the hurt.

Contact in the beginning of recovery is very very difficult as it keeps the pain of the betrayal alive. It is often suggested that there is no contact with the OC for the first couple years of recovery or until the Betrayed Spouse has healed enough to consider contact in your family.

More later...have to sign off now.

Catnip =^^=

I actually divorced my ex-WS when he wouldn't come clean about his affair. I hadn't found MB at that time and had no idea where to turn. Since the divorce we have talked about possible reconciliation. There is an OC involved. He is now a little over one years old. He has Down Syndrome. You will found various viewpoints on this forum related to whether or not to have contact with OC and how to do that. When I first heard about the affair and the pregnancy I thought that there was no way I could accept my WS back, much less an OC. My ex-WS, however, was honest and clear that he would be involved with the OC. He felt the child was totally innocent and didn't deserve rejection from his father. He also was clear that he knew that there was no way he could ever ask me to accept the OC. I initially rejected the whole idea. But, then I began to step back and not "personalize" the OC so much. The hardest thing for me is that he's such visible evidence of my WSs infidelity. Also, that means that at some level we will always have the OW in our lives. I thought further, however, and realized that if I had met my WS after this OC was born, I would accept the OC as I had my other step-children. (Although I recognize the connection to breaking his marital commitment to me adding a different dynamic) I also didn't want to raise anymore kids. Ours were older teens and young adults. Additionally, I didn't know if I wanted to take on a special needs child. None of this was "forced" on me. I took steps little by little and looked at how they affected me. First I thought about the idea of the baby. Overtime I asked to meet the baby. Then I asked to have the OC come over more often for visits. I read up on his condition and treatments which might be required. Our other children (we have none together, two from previous marraiges)met him. There are times I get angry about the whole situation, but mostly this little guy brings alot of love and joy into my life! At no point did I ever commit to a future relationship with my WS. I was willing to try gradual involvement but made it clear to my WS that it was not a commitment to him. I could back out at any point. We are still not together, but that's because of other of WS's behaviors. Sorry that this is so long! I was just trying to give you some idea about how we've handled the OC issue. Actually, I'm more concerned about having to deal with the OW as a result of having the OC in our lives. She's young, opinionated and thinks that the world owes her even before this all happened. But some couples choose no contact with the OW. They set up visitation through another party with no contact between OW, OC and former WS. I wish you the best in a difficult situation. It was good for me to hear about how much you still love you wife. That's what hurts the most for me. Not knowing if my WS really is attracted to me and loves me. I'm 48 and fat. (always have been. Was when he met me and married me)! OW is 22 years old, a little overweight, with long blonde hair and big breasts! Ouch!!

thank you guys for your responses. My wife and I have our second counseling session tonite. My wife and I took our daughter out yesterday to a mall. We had lunch and shopped together. We laughed and smiled together. We had a great afternoon. We got back to what was our house, now hers and we decide to cook dinner. We cooked dinner together laughing and smiling again. We decided to watch a movie together after our daughter went to bed and had a good time with that. WE have had several weeks now of hanging out and having a great time. I am currently still leaving outside the house but we seem to be having a great time. THe only problem is the thought of the other child. I believe the child is innocent, but I agree that contact shouldn't happen until my wife and I can get us in a better spot. I love my wife and hope to god that we can salvage this marriage. I was stupid for what I did. Thanks again for your guys input.