OK here is the short version:
I am 28, we have been together since I was 15. I knew he had an affair 5 yr ago with co-worker, but just recently (3 wk ago) a baby girl was born. Yes, the affair had continued. He says he wants to stay with me and "work it out", but there is so much to consider-so many complications, feelings etc.

I was dignosed with breast cancer in December, we even went to fertility specialist proir to my chemo because "we" were concerned with the possibility of infertility assoc with my treatments. It turns out the doc said there was nothing to do at that point, as my treatment was more pressing than anything, and we could cross the infertility bridge if and when we come to it-it may not be a problem.She was already pregnant at this time, and we very likely could have become pregnant at that time if the doc recommended it-which was quite likely.

Well, he doesn't expect her to legally demand child support-yeah, right. I have been told by others that she told him that if he "doesn't move in with her and leave me, she will sue his a~~ off". I say good-then she will finally be the ENEMY to him that I want her to be. She is 43! I have also been told she intentionally went off birth control (unknown to him) in order to have this baby as an attempt to force him into a permanent relationship with her and force me out of the picture-she has wanted him to move in with her and leave me for a long time, and he never would do so.

We get along in our daily lives so well-we truely enjoy our lives together-this being the exception.

So many feelings though-financially it won't be a burden, but emotionally-I will resent every penny that goes in her direction-I know the baby needs financial support, and it is innocent, but he has never been the kind to spend $$ on me-now I feel well, yeah jealous. Also, if he wants visitation I think he MUST do it with ME-WE can have arrangements so that WE can pick up the child and have her for visitation-he cannot expect to go to her house-alone- and visit!

He could have ended the affair before there were any permanent ties.

Also, I would LOVE to have had a child, a family. and HOPE desperately that I CAN after the 3-5 yr I am supposed to wait.

Breast cancer at the age of 27, now this-I feel I am loosing the love of my life. Believe it or not, but this is much harder than facing a life threatening disease at 27. Sometimes I wonder well, I don't want to realize in several years that there is still an affair, or another one, or that my options are reduced-like having to start over and look for a new partner and less time to have a family.
I also feel that he threw away the opportunity for us to share in the birth of a first child together, as he shared it with her already.

She still pages him. I don't know how to make it end. And I suspect he fears "pissing her off" as she would be more likely to sue him.

Thoughts, suggestions??
Thank you

PS they no longer work together.

Dear GW

Your post brought me out of semi-retirement...your situation is so difficult and heartwrenching, I just wanted to tell you that we will do what we can to help you through this.

K has responded to another new member on another thread by "baby on the way" where the advice would apply to you as well. Please read K's response and follow the advice. Contacting the Harley's or cerri would be a great place to begin your campaign to save your marriage and to find effective ways to help your husband recommit to the marriage.

Having to face such frightening health problems along with your husband's infidelity is too much to bear alone. You have come to the right place.

The added complication of an OC is pain squared for sure...there is nothing that can compare to it and you validated that by claiming that your health situation is second to your husband's betrayal. I find that very interesting since I have always declared there is no pain greater than finding out your spouse has not only betrayed you, but that a child is a result of an affair that occurred during the marriage. Now that we have acknowledged that pain, we have to move forward and work with the Harley principles to restore the marriage.

K explained Plan A and Plan B, which are very effective. Now you must study and understand the process and incorporate this process into your daily life and marriage. I know this is a very, very difficult and terrible time for you, but if you begin working the principles as soon as you are able, the faster your marriage will come to some kind of resolution. Learn the Rules of Honesty, Protection and the Policy of Joint Agreement as described on this site.

I had already been through the initial stages of my husband's affair and the impending birth of the child when I first found this site in 99. I handled most everything very badly before I came here and learned how to use the effective tools that eventually helped us save our marriage.

It's been five years for me and we have not only survived all this, but have come to a place in our marriage I never dreamed possible. The thing that astonishes me is how much deeper and more meaningful our marriage is now than before when we both thought it was so great. In a very strange way, this trial we have been through and survived has brought us to a place of openess, understanding and commitment that neither of us knew existed between people and we are grateful.

We have no contact with OC because of distance of several states and for a dire financial situation, but we pay enormous CS. At first I objected to any contact and made it a stipulation of staying in the marriage. Now that time has passed, we have healed and my marriage has been restored beyond what I had ever hoped, I could be open to contact if it were finanically possible. The child is four in a few days and at a perfect age to begin a relationship if we could work it out.

It is imperitive to spend the first couple years after the affair has concluded to focus only on the two of you and forget about everyone else until you have come to a point in your marriage where you have both healed and recommited to your marriage. It is my opinion that contact before this only delays healing and recovery from the affair. At least, I know this to be true for me.

Let us know what you need from us to help you through this.

Catnip =^^=

OK, I have read and re-read your reply, and K's post to babyontheway, and most of the articles on the site. I don't really know what to do-where to begin. I read it all and it makes sense, but implementing the plans, policies, etc-what to do what to do, and what order, and you know.

Do I go to the site with my husband and read some of the things together, do I just try to discuss them from memory, do I print some of the questionnaires and info and work from them, do we need to make an appt (of course this is a bit challenging as my cancer treatment has used up all of our $$), do we both get on the phone and have a conference session?? Is there any financial consideration due to my/our circumstances? Also, You referred to "Cerri"-I looked all over the site, and find no reference-who is that?

Any info is greatly appreciated.

I am trying to do my best and work through this as much as possible, as I just had another surgery yesterday, and I am trying to discuss/consider/research between pain, medication, etc.

Glad I found this site and hope to get some help/advisement/encouragement.

Thank you more than you can imagine

It is a lot of information to process and I know all this must seem so overwhelming right now, but to simplify, just begin Plan A. Read, study and learn Plan A and live it. Don't be concerned with what your husband he might think or feel right now because he is likely in a fog and in the midst of inner conflict. At this stage he could be resistant to any suggestion of proactive counselor involvement. It might be good to talk to a counselor first and then bring your husband in later. Right now all we are concerned with is you. The rest will come into view later.

Read here and post here...remember weekends are very, very slow around here and you might not get as much response as you would during the week, so be as patient as you can.

I only heard about cerri the first time today myself. Apparently only K knows who she is (she must be new to the group) because he is in contact with the Harleys on a fairly regular basis, I think. At least, K is the one in the know. Maybe he will check back on this thread and give you a link to her.

You're in my prayers, GW...

Catnip =^^=

g.w.

if you go to the "just found out" board, you'll find cerri. she's a regular poster to those at the beginning stages of all this. she always has wonderful advice. she also has a website of her own. i think it's marriagecentral.com or something like that.

sorry that you're here, but welcome.

amy

gw,
I am so sorry I can not imagine having to go through this and an illness, but you know what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. There has got to be unity. I am not sure why the partner that has been hurt seems to be the one who wants to save the marrige. If not for my faith I do not believe I would make it. It is hard enough to imagine the insecurity and jealousy I feel and we have two kids. I do belive in healing and that there is an answer and reason for every problem, but that doesn't make it any easier. In a perfect world we would not have these problems. I have to say that I look to the people who have come to grips with the A and have moved past it. But honey I can tell you that I just believe it takes more disciplin to do that than be a kung-fu expert. I wish that I had advice or comfort to give you, but I don't, but God does.

Thanks for the replies/guidance. I will re-post my situation on the just found out board and hope for more guidance. I will continue to re-check here for more info/replies.

Hi GW,

Perhaps you've found the info already, but just in case... The person K was referring to is Penny, her web-site is www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Her moniker on these MB boards is "cerri". I was confused at first about that too. I've seen "cerri" post on not only Just Found Out, but a host of others such as Recovery, EN, Plan A/B, GQ II and probably others as well. I did a little emailing counseling when I found her web-site. She was very helpful to me, and I hope to do further counseling with her. Her site alone, is very valuable.

Your story made me heartsick. I hope you find the help you are searching for, I'm quite sure you will. God bless you with all you are going through.

~aut

<small>[ August 16, 2003, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

well, I have tried to play the "calm, cool, normal" role for the last few weeks (he was gone for 2 wk military duty right after the baby was born-been back 1 wk) I did not want to push things-push him away or to her, and I wanted him to remember and experience the "happy normal life" we seemed to have.

I told him of MB and he saw me checking the board today-told me I was a "fruitcake", as he has said "things are working"- and walked to the other room. I have never hid anything from him, and won't. He wants to pretend nothing ever happened or is different. I need for things to change-to be different so that it won't continue.

I took the opportunity to tell him how I feel, ask his expectations, plans, etc. He did listen, usually doesn't-and said he does want to be with me, have a family, etc. I should clarify something-we have been together for 13 yrs. We are common law married-own home & cars together, present to others as husband and wife. He says he will marry me-he has always said that-I never pushed the issue, as perhaps I should have? But always said "someday" but says he will marry "soon" now-should I see this as a leap of good faith?Should I pursue it? If I did, the only thing that it would possible do negatively is require legal divorce-which now we could just refi everything and go separate ways.But maybe that would be a motivation, comittment he never made, I don't know.

He still won't fess up to anything unless I have proof from other sources. I learned of the baby from the newspaper.

Maybe if she knew he promised marriage to me it would throw her into a tizzy against him?

just don't know what to do. Tempted to play a few games myself-but never lie or be dishonest of course-but can approach situation differently and try to get it to work in OUR favor.

Oh, I love him so, but am getting tired of being the innocent one and also the ONLY one trying to make it work. Should I just give up?

now I understand from another source, that he has agreed to pay $700/mo cs-outside the court agreement between the two of them. I feel like they are still going behind my back and making arrangements-I have no say , but he wants to stay with me-of course, he doesn't have much after $700/cs-and I do think he does love me and want to be with me.

He has had 2 separate lives. He shared such important things with her, having a child, sex life, honors at work, emotional stuff-I feel like I was just the roommate.

I feel that if he were to include me in decisions/choices-even about the baby-I mean if we stay together, I have a right to have a say of what goes on-financially, and visitation etc-that well, I still feel like he has another life going on, I want him to have one life-with me, and the baby can be a part of that if he chooses to have visitation.

Gosh, I would like to be able to have a child and stay home with it-now if we do stay together, I will have to work so much/hard-more than if we didn't have the $ obligation to her for cs-now if we stay together and have a family, well financially it won't be as easy as it should/could have. I make much more $$ than him-I wanted to be able to work part time and have a family. She has her retirement and now will get cs-she can afford to stay home-and plans to.

still don't know what to do

should I just tell him the above about being honest and including me-should I tell him maybe he should leave (I don't want him to), just don't know