I am desperate for advise. I just found out a few days ago that my husband of 13 yrs has been having an affair. I have not yet confronted him but am planning to do so in 2 days. I am almost 8 months pregnant with our second child. We also have a 4 yr old daughter. The OW has moved in May overseas but they continue to call and email each other frequently(he uses his cell fone and a calling card). I was able to get into (what he thought) was his secret email and found many messages, and that is how I found out about the OW pregnancy, and the calling card phone calls. I do not know when the affair started, but know that she is due about 2/3 weeks
before me. The first email I found was dated 4/14, but am assuming it started well before then. I think she has someone(husband or partner) too, there are references to "We" buying a house, and her traveling with him on vacation.
My husband had seemed excited about the baby at the beginning, but his interest waned quickly.
He has no interest in our baby, he never asks me how I feel, or to feel the baby move,etc etc.
I fell down the cellar stairs a few nights ago and sprained my ankle. He never asked if the baby was OK.(he is)
When I confront him I would like to find out when the affair started. If it started after I got pregnant,then the baby cannot be his. Can I trust anything he has to say at this point?
I am going to ask him to leave, I cannot have him around, it is too painful. I have been put on an antidepressant by my midwife(I confided in her, my therapist, two lawyers, and a good friend who also went thru a really bad time in her marriage) because I am barely eating or sleeping. I have lost weight which is not good when you are pregnant.
We had been in couples counseling for about 10 months. I didn't know why we weren't making any progress, now I do.
Any advise from anyone who has been in a similar situarion would be so appreciated. I am in a desperate, hopeless place.

My dear,
I have no suggestions or advice for you. All I can offer is great big heart felt hugs and prayers.

Best of luck to you and the baby boy.

Take good care of yourself and you 4yr old.

xo
Hypatia

babyontheway,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Being that this is MarriageBuilders, I'll give you MB-centric advice in hopes that you're willing to try to save your marriage.

If the affair is active (and it sounds like it is), you have a tough road ahead of you. After you confront your husband (and I would recommend that you do, but more on that later), you will probably not see him remorseful or willing to do what it takes. You'll probably see him as angry, defensive, resentful. His reactions will be natural (as yours are now). But I'll counsel you on ACTIONS that you should take, not reactions to your emotions.

First and foremost, I would suggest that you have a session or two with a MarriageBuilder counselor. Phone counseling is available through the website here with Steve or Jenn Harley (Dr. Harley's adult children, call 888-639-1639 for appointments). They will be able to help coach you through this situation much better than anyone of us will be able to do. If the fees for this are too steep for you, you should consider contacting one of our board members who is a certified MB coach---cerri at Save Your Marriage Central. She does phone and email coaching, and might be less expensive. I've counseled both with Steve (who I credit for helping save my marriage) and Jenn, and they're both excellent. I also think very highly of cerri, but I have not coached with her.

My guess will be that they will prepare you to confront the affair and out it. When you do this, you should have all the irrefutable evidence, and you should present it to your husband---but without lovebusting (no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands). I would suggest that you read all the concepts to learn about these terms, and focus on the Policy of Joint Agreement and Safe Negotiation, because you're going to need those skills. I'd suggest that you ask your husband to end the affair and begin counseling/coaching with you under Steve/Jenn/Cerri's guidance. He might refuse. At that point, based on your emotional situation, a brief Plan A might be suggested. Plan A has many facets, but it's a period in which you attempt to negotiate your spouse out of the affair, and part of this will be by learning to not lovebust and meet potentially unmet needs that the spouse has (to correct marital problems that might have been there before the affair).

After some time in Plan A, you would then be moved to Plan B---a separation with no contact. This is done with letting your spouse know that you still want the marriage, are willing to work (and fight for it), but cannot remain in contact while the affair is active.

That's a brief synopsis for a complicated situation and process. My wife had an affair, and I went through both Plan A and B (and she ended up pregnant by the OM as well). But five years after the affair, we are happily reconciled. I know how hopeless you feel---and my best advice to you is to call Steve (or the other ladies)---Steve is excellent on giving you hope, and helping you with a plan that can save your marriage.

Hi I am one that has been through the same thing that you are going through. I have been with my husband for 10 years and I have a child 1 month and 5 days apart from his ow child and she was born 1st. I thought that going to counseling and and being able to save the marriage would work but I still think of it everyday the child is in our lives and comes over to spend time with my kids and I feel the hurt all over again after being married a while I found out that he had another child before our second child and I was going to leave him but thought of the kids. I would like to saay to you that you need to let him go and move on with your life because you will think of it everyday and you will never fully trust him ever again I can say from exprience. I am very sad and I do not want my husband to touch me and sleep with me. I am at a lost for what I should do. I Left him once and my kids were not eating and crying all the time I was gone for 2 months they lost weight and we went to conseling I put them throught a terrieble thing and went back to him and he has been trying to make it up to me and I can not see it that way. I hope this helps you to make a wise desision as to what you should do.

Crazyal

You don't say how long it's been since discovery of your husband's affair.

If it has been less than three years and this is the first time you have been to Marriage Builders, I can see why you are still experiencing a lot of raw emotional pain. You've been going it alone without any tools for recovery.

Those of us lucky enough to have found this program early after our discoveries have, for the most part, experienced successful recoveries and renewed commitments. But, this takes time; a lot of time. It took my husband and me four years to get to where we are now. But, it was worth it, worth the work, worth the commitment.

Contact with the OC makes recovery difficult in the beginning because it keeps the pain fresh. It is often advised that the couple recover first before involving contact with the OC. The first couple years should be devoted to restoration of the marriage and focusing on each other. A Retrouvaille Weekend is a great start for couples who have committed themselves to rebuilding their marriage.

I'm sorry you did not find us sooner, but very glad you are here now. It means that you desire change in your life and desire to make your marriage work.

Weekends are very slow here but others will be along during the week to add their input to you and to babyontheway.

Catnip =^^=

[QUOTE]Originally posted by babyontheway:
[QB]
My husband had seemed excited about the baby at the beginning, but his interest waned quickly.

=^^= He must have been excited about it at first but when he heard the "news" from the OW, he probably had an emotional upset of such magnitude, he couldn't be happy about anything again. It wasn't you or your baby...it was his horror at what he had done.

He has no interest in our baby, he never asks me how I feel, or to feel the baby move,etc etc.
I fell down the cellar stairs a few nights ago and sprained my ankle. He never asked if the baby was OK.(he is)

=^^= The Wayward Spouse becomes so incredibly self absorbed, there is no room in his/her life for anyone else. All they can think about is the mess they have made out of their life and the lives of their families and they shut down. No more thinking or feeling...too tough to face. The consequences are too appalling, too embarrassing.

When I confront him I would like to find out when the affair started. If it started after I got pregnant,then the baby cannot be his. Can I trust anything he has to say at this point?

=^^= Not a word. Trust can only be rebuilt once the Wayward Spouse has written and delivered a No Contact letter to the former OP and WS has consistently proven to you over a period of time that he is trustworthy by revealing to you any and all phone records, credit card records, constant updates of whereabouts, etc. It is up to you to determine when you feel comfortable trusting him again. This takes time and patience.

I am going to ask him to leave, I cannot have him around, it is too painful.

=^^= I can see why you feel that way right now, however, it is easier to work on your marriage with the two of you living in the same house than if he is gone and living elswhere.

We had been in couples counseling for about 10 months. I didn't know why we weren't making any progress, now I do.

=^^= I am so sorry about that. The deception is so insulting. But, now you know why it wasn't going anywhere. Knowledge is power...now you will know what you are up against.
You haven't told us essential information...does your husband desire to stay in the marriage with you and the new baby?

Catnip =^^=

Thanks for all the advise. I do not know how my husband feels.(about staying or leaving, I suspect he doesn't really know either) I haven't told him yet about what I know, I will tell him Sunday(he has been working and taking classes all week and that is his first free day). He works an afternoon shift and I didn't want to spring this on him b4 he goes to work. My feeling is that he is staying out of a sense of obligation(?). He doesn't want to but knows he will be seen as the bad guy if he leaves his pregnant wife. He is very active in local charities and the catholic church. (while snooping through his pockets, I found a folded sheet of paper. It was the Act of Contrition).He is very concerned about his reputation.
Everybody thinks he is so wonderful, people come up to me all the time and tell me how lucky I am!
If only they knew!!!
My feeling is, why should he stay? Why should he enjoy the comfort and convenience of home while this affair goes on? I checked his cell fone bill and he called her 8 times in a 30 day period (7/7-8/8). He does not support me or the pregnancy, barely speaks to me, snaps at me and takes his bad moods out on me. He spends little time with his daughter(but is good with her when he does). He has a full sched, what with work, charities, workouts,road races,calling the OW, etc.
Today I am 8 months pregnant, I have lost weight this past week, I am tense and exhausted from lack of sleep. I have a sprained ankle and am running around after a 4 yr old.
Please God give me strength.

If he enjoys his status as a piller of society within your community and is worried about his reputation, then he has a lot to be concerned about. Once the "news" gets out about OW/OC, people around him will see him in an entirely different light. The respect he enjoyed will vanish and he will see that in their demeanor and in their eyes.

This happened to my husband during the first couple years with people we knew. A friend told me her husband didn't think much of my husband anymore and it embarrassed and hurt me. I wondered if people thought I was a fool for staying with him. I thought I looked weak to the outside world. My Mother said, "Oh no, this makes you look strong. This society has become so disposable...everyone takes the easy way out and you are doing the hard thing by staying and working on this marriage." She went on to remind me that I had a 18 year history with my husband and until his breakdown, he was wonderful.

The first couple years after discovery, he vascilated between wanting the marriage and wanting to leave. It was just too much for him. He believed the damage was done and nothing would ever be right between us again. He couldn't believe he had done what he did. He was angry at himself for ruining everything we had worked so hard for, angry at himself for jeopardizing his marriage, his family and all that was precious to him, he was angry that he had been careless. He couldn't understand how any woman over the age of 21 with all this modern knowledge and technology could let something like this happen, so he was angry at OW.

We all know birth control can sometimes fail, but this woman in her mid-thirties!!! didn't use anything at all and she knew he was married and simply didn't care. Then she has a kid and laments that he doesn't have any interest in it. Why would he? He didn't want or ask for it. He had nothing to say in the decision making process. I'm stunned she expects anything more than a check.

She deliberately changes his/our life forever by making all the decisions regarding getting pregnant, having and keeping the child and then aggressively pursues and receives enormous CS. I think she is getting all and more than she deserves plus the satisfaction of knowing she has hurt me beyond description and is causing me severe financial hardship. That alone should thrill her.

It's like an interloper, a thief, has come into my home, our marriage and stolen from me, from us all we hold dear and then we forced to pay the perpetrator a monthly fee for the privilege. She is not penalized for her actions, she does not have any consequences except my husband's disinterest, she does not get arrested for stealing from me, she does not go to jail for intruding herself into our lives. She is rewarded a huge chunk of change every month at our expense. Our lives are changed forever and all the former OW can do is complain and cry about how she ain't getting attention and companionship and a daddy for her kid. It amazes me how she can think that having a child somehow supercedes our marriage and long history and because she made these decisions that we are to drop everything and change our protocol and way of life when all we want to do is get back to being just us.

Our OW calls my husband a spineless coward when in reality he just doesn't care all that much. She didn't care about him or me or our marriage and because of that, he doesn't care. Both he and I hope the child is well and happy and gratified she has a huge loving family, but she is just one more child relegated to the ranks of a fatherless household like all these children of single mothers where the father has been dismissed as unimportant. These single women are deliberately having children without dads all over this country, either by artificial means or choosing to become mothers without benefit of marriage. This is their decision and this is their choice and getting mad that dad doesn't want to be forced into contact is preposterous, especially when he already has a wife and family.

Any interest my husband might have had in the OC has been overshadowed by being hauled into court and the overall behaviour of the OW. Now that I have softened over the past four years and would accept some kind of contact, we are several states away from them and practically penniless because of this situation and could never afford contact anyway. Ironic as hell.

If this OW of yours is overseas and married or with someone, you might get a "get out of jail free" card and not be forced to alter your lives like most of us here have had to do.

I don't know how you have kept this to yourself about what you've discovered but for your own health and peace of mind, you are going to have to tell him what you already know and relieve yourself of keeping this inside you. It isn't healthy for you or the baby to lock this up waiting for the "right" time to discuss this. While it is commendable that you don't want to spring this on him before he goes to work, stop worrying about him and think about yourself right now. You have more at stake than he does.

When your husband is faced with the trainwreck he has created with this woman, and sees the loss of respect from people he respects disintegrate before his eyes and when he stops and thinks of you and what this is doing to you and your family, the OW will lose her luster. He will hold himself and her responsible for this mess. He might distance himself from you for a time because of shame and confusion, but eventually he will see how ridiculous he was to risk so much for so little. Meanwhile, you Plan A and work the program.

Catnip =^^=

Catnip,
Thank you so much for your advise, nothing like someone who has been through this before.

The babysitter is coming Sunday at 12noon, (high noon, how appropriate). We will go out and I will break the news in a public place (on the advise of my therapist who is concerned he might hurt me.
I don't think so, but then again I didn't think he would cheat, either)
I am hoping that he will volunteer to leave.
If not I will ask him, it is just intolerable to have him around.
I don't think I will ever know for certain if the OC is his, since this woman does seem to have someone else in her life. Maybe even she does not know! I don't know all the circumstances. Why would she move if he is the father?
It is unreal to me that he had unprotected sex.
He is a huge supporter of the Red Cross, always donating blood and organizing blood drives.
How could he potentially expose himself and his family to HIV ?
I guess what you said explains it, that he was so completely self absorbed in himself and this affair that he could only think of his own pleasure.
I am also concerned that since he is such a pillar of the community, that no one will believe he could do such a thing, and I will be seen as the bad guy, though that is the least of my worries at this point.
Can I just share just one more hurtful thing I read in his emails?
While I have been scrimping on everything and purchasing maternity clothes from Target and consignment stores to save $, because he had taken so much cash out, in one email he told the OW that there was an Old Navy store with maternity clothes nearby, and could she tell him her size so he could send her some?
I have a feeling she doesn't know that I am PG.(it was never mentioned in emails, although our daughter is)
So he is lying to her, as well.

I finally confronted him yesterday(Sunday). The news was worse than expected. The affair has been going on for TWO YEARS right under the nose of his loving and moronic wife. The OW is a NANNY (what a cliche) who is 10 yrs younger than I am.(12 yrs younger than my WS)
I gave the WS every chance to come clean. He lied right up until the bitter end, he told me it was over with, until I pointed out that the midnite call to her was still on this cell. He then admitted to the affair, but when I asked him if he had unprotected sex, he lied again and said no.
I then asked him how she got pregnant... if they did not have unprotected sex. He finally fessed up and said the baby was "probably" his. I will now have to go and get tested (but I am having him go thru it first) for all sorts of STDs that could harm my baby.
He told me she doesn't want anything from him (I guessing wrecking my family was enuf) but I don't believe it, this is her first and wait till she finds out how expensive it is to raise a child.
I threw him out. While he was picking up our daughter at the sitter's, I hauled suitcases from the basement (remember I am 8 months pregnant and have a sprained ankle)and had him all packed by the time he got back. He tried to stall and said he needed time, but I told him the sight of him made me physically sick, that I have lost 5 lb in the past week and this is not good for the baby.
He is now staying with a friend close by.
I have told him he is not allowed in the house, when he sees our daughter it is take place outside the house.
He had the nerve to tell the neighbors that I asked him to leave(of course, without the reason why) and to "keep an eye out for me".
HA! It was him I should have been keeping an eye on!
I must say it is a relief to have him out.

babyontheway,

Well, I'm glad that you handled the confrontation well. The aftermath doesn't appear so great. You're reacting to your emotions right now, and while completely understandable, it may not do your marriage any good. I would strongly urge you to call the counseling center this morning, and get an appointment. You need a plan here, and I don't see it. It's especially important in that you're due in a few weeks.

Again, you need to go back and begin reading the concepts here---pay attention to lovebusters and the Policy of Joint Agreement. This in no way excuses what your husband has done, but if you want your marriage, you need to rebuild love in it. You have to ask yourself during every action you take, "how does this make my spouse feel?" If you're not building love, you're not helping your marriage.

Good luck.