I have been dealing with my husband's affair for about 3 mos now. The reason he told me is because the OW is pregnant (now we find out with twins) and is planning on keeping them. This woman already has 5 kids from at least 3 different men, is married (with H out of country) and is on welfare. We have been married 11 yrs and have 4 kids. This is NOT his first infidelity. It is just after this one that I realized that it would probably go on and on and on. He swears that this has scared him and he doesn't want to lose me, the marriage, etc. I quit my job 3 yrs ago after the birth of our last child, so I have NO income and no place to go. My first instinct was it's over. After about a month, we decided to try to stay together.

He has stated that he'd like to be as involved with the children (including naming them, giving them his last name, etc) as she will allow, but that if she puts any restrictions on his contact, he'll have nothing to do with them.

I don't know how to deal with the OW .. or specifically how he will deal with the OW. I'd like to stipulate that he may not have contact with her or any children. At this point I know I cannot and will not accept a "second family".

I'd appreciate any advice.

Thanks,

Ona

It always sticks in my craw to say "welcome" to any Newbie because it means another marriage is suffering. But, we are glad you have found us here and that you have come to the right place.

It sounds like your husband is a serial cheater (?) and this latest developement has hit him square between the eyes. It is a kind of "aversion therapy" for most Waywards when their selfish exploits have come full circle and caused life altering consequences for him, you and your family. Unfortunately, this might be the horrible results that will make him recommit to the marriage and be proactive in rebuilding your marriage. If you are even interested in doing so at this point. Because you are here, you must have some desire to rebuild.

This site provides a "blueprint" for rebuilding your marriage. Since he is contrite and desires continuing in your marriage, he needs to come here and read, learn, understand and implement all the Rules of Honesty, Protection and the Policy of Joint Agreement as well as the other Harley principles into your daily lives if he has any hope of reconciliation.

He may desire contact with the OC and involvement in choosing names and all that comes with it, but his first and foremost obligation is to you. Until you are comfortable with any contact, he needs to put his focus on you and your kids and repair the damage done before he can expect any acquiesence from you. After your marraige has sufficiently healed to your satisfaction and you feel you are at a place where contact is possible, then the two of you can determine what your marriage is capable of handling and incorporate contact. But, take care of yourselves first. You and your children should not take a back seat to a child born to your husband outside of your marriage.

These kids are completely innocent and it is sad that they are coming into this world under such dismal circumstances. However, this is not your fault, nor is it your doing. You can be sorry for them and hope the XOW has a loving extended family to pick up the slack if and until contact is possible, but their well being is not your responsibility and you and your husband's first obligation is to each other and to your children together. Your husband's only obligation to XOW and OC's at this point is financial.

Focus on whether or not the marriage is worth saving and work from that point. Go to the library and check out all the recommended books and start reading them together. Learn to Plan A each other and see if you can renew your marriage, if that is what you want.

You have a lot to consider and deal with right now. You have to get through the anger and grief and find ways to protect yourself and your kids from what lays ahead.

Stay strong and pray.

Catnip =^^=

Ona,
I know that you are hurting. It's bad enough to know that he cheated, let alone that there is a baby on the way because of it. Now you find there are two. I didn't think I could handle it either. I was still cursing the child up until the day I saw a picture of him. And there was this sweet little angel, who looked just like my husband (soon to be ex). Your husband should have some involvement with the children if he so desires, but he can't force you to be happy with the situation. And he can't dictate the terms, that is unfair to the child. He's either in or out, there's no half-stepping here. But you, on the other hand, should not be forced to see, deal with, or recognize the children unless you can handle it emotionally. He has to understand, he made the situation. You didn't.

thanks for the comments... I'm still thinking. At this point H & I are committed to making it work between us and have decided for a fresh start.. moving out of state. Partly to avoid contact with OW and also to prevent our own kids from finding out until we are ready to discuss it with them. But until we move ... there is the OW. Realistically we won't move before OC are born. I sat down and told him that I prefer he have no contact. I asked him to make his next visit his last and to be sure that OW was clear that he will mail any future CS. I asked that this be the case until we can put our marriage on solid ground and we can deal with OC together. He asked for time to think....

sigh