Hello all,

It's been a long time since I've posted here and I'm sorry for that. My situation is becoming worse then I ever imagined and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing myself. My H has lost all respect for me. One would think that I was the one who went out here and had a baby outside of the marrage. I can't believe that a person could be so dirty and cold to someone who's been there for them through thick and thin for over 20 years.

My daughters are now telling me to put him out because we know he's not going to change and their tired of seeing me in pain. But I'm not only scared to death, I'm afraid that I'll have to sacrafice my HOME OR RETIREMENT SAVINGS when and if I put H out. What's really sad is that I sitll love him.

H has recently took a new position in another office away from the OW but I know they're still in contact and sexually active. H told me that the mother of the OC is not the only woman he's interested in and that there are others. For some reason I don't believe that, especially since I found a 3rd cell phone that she gave him with disgusting text messages on it from her. H told me that he still wants to see other women. H wants his icecream, cake and want to eat it too.
I'm beginning to feel like he's using me for whatever he needs from me and his heart is actually somewhere else. My H does not realize just how serious this situation is. Someone can really get hurt at the rate he's going. It's sad. I'm beginning to feel hate for him.

How do I let go? How do I get out of this mess and maintain my sanity? I don't have a support system in place. I know I need to get back in counseling but I'm not happy with the counsoler that I had. I know I need to take my anti-depressents but I dont. I know that I shouldn't resort to having a drink everytime H stabbs me in the heart but I often do. I'm just losing it here.

robbed,

At this point, you need to Plan B. Get your husband out of the house, in a no contact separation. Do so with a Plan B letter that reiterates your love for him and your willingness to work on the marriage---but only after he ends this affair and gets into serious treatement for his sex addiction.

And take your antidepressants. You need to take care of yourself and your marriage right now---and that means putting some distance between you and your husband, while he's continuing these incredibly hurtful behaviors.

Consider contacting an attorney to find out what your rights are. You may be able to file for separation and have the court grant you temporary custody of the house. Then you can go can give your WH the Plan B letter and start Plan B. Good luck.

Am so sorry you are in this situation. What I would add to K's advice, is take care of the finances. Make sure the savings are documented and possibly protected so he cannot abscond with them. What state are you in? You might go ahead and talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are if you do divorce. Most lawyers will give you 30 minutes for a free consultation. check the website for your state.
I am for saving the marriage, but now is also the time to protect yourself from his selfishness.He is not thinking of you, your children, he is only thinking of himself. You have to think of yourself and your children, their future.
We lived together while my H went thru this, but he only had the one OW, who was pg while I was. I didn't know about the OC, but had figured out that he was seeing someone else. What helped us was she lived in another state 8 hours away.
Hold firm to your convictions and let him know you love him, you want your marriage to work. For that to happen he has to do a few things, first and foremost get the other women out his life. Seek counseling like K said. You want to save your marriage, but you are not his doormat.
I also laid out for my H what he would lose as far as our children went. None of them would forgive him for his actions, and I wasn't going to lie or cover up for him. If they asked me, I was going to tell them their father had chosen to leave me for another woman.
Now, 10 years later, he looks back and shudders at his actions. I have heard him say many times he wishes he could go back and undo his actions of that time in our lives. this was in our 19th year of marriage

I'm in New Jersey. I've seen a couple of Lawyers and was told by both that I would have to sell my home and that we are responsible for 50% of each others bills. Considering the level of responsibility my H has displayed over the years I would end up paying 100% of my bills. I was told that the courts don't pay much attention to all the abuse one suffers during a marriage and because I tolerated so much for so long the Judge may get angry with me.

Is it possible to exercise Plan B while living in the same house hold? H and I are financially trapped. Where can I find information on the plan B letter?

this sight should have an example of plan B letter. When I talked to lawyer, we were in KY. I was told we could be legally separated and live in the same house. He could not share my bedroom, nor could I do anything for him ie cook, do laundry, personal stuff like that.
See what your state says. If your in NJ, do you have a basement? Does it have separate entrance? Suggest he move down there. I'd also let him know what he will lose financially if you divorce him over this situation.
I told my H I'd cover for him while we were looking to fix our marriage, but once we divorced all bets were off. If someone asked me why we divorced it would be because he had an affair while married to me and gave up what we had for a easy young woman.
It's funny the constant reassurance that you still love him in spite of himself just blows them away.

HOpe this helped. am here if you need and want support

Texasgirl

unfotunately there's no such thing as a legal seperation in NJ. I really appreciate knowing that you're here for me. I honestly don't have much of a support system. I think my friends are tire of hearing me sing the same old song. No sisters and my Mother is deceasd. thank you all so much.

robbed,

You've received some really great advice. Please read them carefully, review your options and make a plan to apply whatever you can.

I found the post with the Sample Plan B Letters

Please, continue posting and updating us on your situation. We do care.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all so much, You're all truly a blessing. I will begin my research and make plans immediately. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Robbed, why would you have to sale your home?
Couldn't you buy his half out? Is there family or are there some assets that you could trade, you get the house, he gets the car or a financial settlement?
I have heard of cases where the spouses settled the house by one buying the other out.
You must have more options than that.
Have you checked the website, if there is one, on divorce laws in New Jersey?
Keep checking.
Where are your in-laws on this situation? could they help, since these are their grandchildren who need to have a stable environment. You said no sisters, what about brothers? My brothers were very supportive of me when we went thru this.
But, we didn't divorce, came close to it.

Texasgirl

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>

The problem is every thing is split down the middle. The unfortunate part is my H is not responsible financially. He makes more then me but I pay the majority of the bills. My mortgage is in my name alone just to give you an example of just how irresponsible he is. Trust me I stand to lose. The $2.00 that I get from him I need to put with my $10 to make ends meet.

As for parents. His mother died on my oldest daughters 1st birthday and his father died within the past 5 years. I have one brother who is just starting to get his life together. If he had it his way there would be a huge physical fight between the two of them and that's not going to solve anything. This is why I say I really don't have a support system. Its really sad. I'm so sick and tired of trying to be strong but I really don't have much of a choice.

Trading your home or retirement savings to have health restored to you is a fair trade to me!

Your "H" is not only risking his health, but yours also! Not to mention the emotional health of his whole family!

What is it that you love about him? You have given so many reasons here in your posts--good reasons--to let him go!

#1--it doesn't sound like he wants to be married to you.

#2--it doesn't sound like he loves you if he desires other women and is willing to have unprotected sex with them and whomever they have all slept with.

#3--your girls! What are they learning? That no matter how your H treats you, it's okay. That if he is not even a good provider, it's okay. That if he risks your health (& life) with sexual addiction, it's okay.

I don't know robbed, it doesn't sound like he is giving you good reasons to love him.

You make it sound like you're the one who has made the mess but you're not! However, you're the one who can fix it. Get rid of the mess until it straightens up! Oh and yes, Plan B--to save what love you still have for your H. If you lose your house to make the point that you are serious, fine. At least your health won't be at a continual risk while your H decides whether or not he can commit 100% to you and the children.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You're in a tough spot, but you can make it. Stick up for yourself! Quit letting him walk all over you! Keep the faith! God will provide.

Just take one day and one step at a time and do what gives you the most peace...

You're absolutely right and I appreciate your honest opinion. I've often asked myself very similar questions and I've come to the same conclusions. I can't understand for the life of me why I FEAR just walking away so much. As crazy as it sounds the thought of losing my marriage feels just as bad if not worse then how I felt when my mother unexpectantly died. I know I'm in a very "SICK" RELATIONSHIP here and truly ashamed for being so weak. I know that I can't change him, I can only change myself. I think one of the main reasons I've held on to my immediate family so tightly is because I don't have much of a family left not that this is an acceptable excuse. Please keep me in your prayers as I keep you all in mine.

Robbed, I looked up the website for NJ laws and divorce. The little bit read made reference to legal separations. I think I'd find a different lawyer to talk to and see what SHE says. By that I also give the advice my brothers gave me. Find the meanest woman lawyer you can find.
BTD made good points. You are risking your health staying with him if he is this promiscuous. You have children to live for you don't need to contract anything from him and all the women he is sleeping with.
If the house is yours then see if he will walk away from it, then see if you can refinance, lower your payments to more affordable at your current income.
I don't have all the answers, wish I did.
My situation worked out but having been close to your shoes, I want to help. Feel frustrated I can'd to more.

Texasgirl

Ok this is what I found on leagl seperation in the state of NJ.

Is there a "legal separation?"

Technically, there is no such thing in New Jersey as a "legal separation." Separation simply means that you and your spouse no longer live together. Separation may occur by mutual consent or by one of you leaving or being expelled from your home.

What if my spouse has physically abused me?

If there has been actual or threatened physical abuse, your spouse may be ordered by the court to leave your residence and to stay away.

Trust me Texas I'm not disputing you here. But If I could have I think I would have tried legal seperation long ago. What I want to do is prepare myself for PLAN B. Should my marriage end in divorce at least I'll know I tried my best to save it.

Beentheredonethat, I keep reading your post over and over. Thank you, Thank you all. Trust me I'm really thinking over here now. Scared to death but seriously thinking. God Bless you all.

Well, hang in there. It's going to be okay. Sometimes what is healthy for us, we don't explore because we're used to our old habits.

Don't be afraid of change. You won't know what good you will find on the other side until you break through your fears and just trust God to protect and guide you. He will! ((HUGS))