I moved your post to the GQII board for you....but thought I post this here too:
I haven't been there....but my feeling is that if she is old enough to formulate the questions that she deserves honesty. I sense that she know the truth anyway.
Here's a copy of an article from the Family Adoption Center that is helpful:
Should I Tell My Child He's Adopted?
In the past, experts urged parents never to tell their children they were adopted and to maintain the fiction that the child was born into the family. There are several major problems with this advice.
Many experts believe that it's unfair to the child not to tell him or her about such an important issue. Not telling also forces loving parents to lie to their children—for example, when a 3-year-old asks his adoptive mother, "Did I grow in your tummy?" In addition, other people such as relatives and friends will know about the adoption and may accidentally or intentionally tell the child about it. Or the child could discover the information on his own by finding an adoption decree or other revealing document. The child could be quite upset about this and may wonder what else you have lied about.
How Do I Get Started?
As in talking with your child about sex, religion, and other complex topics, many experts suggest you introduce the information little by little, in a building block fashion. This allows your child to absorb the information gradually over the years, as he or she becomes better able to understand difficult concepts.
When your child is young, questions can be answered very simply. If he asks where he came from, he may mean "Chicago, Illinois," not his birthmother's womb. Try to understand what it is the child is seeking. If the child wants more information, it will be requested. Sometimes adoptive parents rush in with a confusing load of information that the child isn't ready for.
Make it an Ongoing Process
Talking with your child about adoption shouldn't be a one time thing. Children often need to have information repeated to them more than once before they can grasp it. Some experts, such as psychologist David Brodzinsky, believe that this is caused by the way children's thinking abilities develop as they get older. According to Brodzinsky, parents should not become anxious or confused if their children don't fully grasp their explanations the first time. So don't worry if you explain adoption to your 4-year-old child and then have to explain it all again when the child reaches 7 or 8. It doesn't mean your explanations were inadequate or wrong. It may just be that your child wasn't ready to grasp such a complex concept as adoption.
Although you shouldn't expect to tell your child about adoption when she is 3 and never mention it again, it need not be a weekly or even a monthly subject. You know your child best, so use your own judgment about when and how to talk about adoption, despite what the experts say. And remember that each child will learn the information at his own pace.
What If My Child Gets Upset?
It is important to accept that you can't protect your child from all pain—no matter how much every parent would like to. Just as you can't stop Ryan or Lakeisha from getting scraped knees, neither can you shield them from some feelings of pain, loss, and confusion upon discovering that he or she was adopted. However, sharing the information in a positive and caring way can help minimize the hurt.
Show your child that you are willing to answer questions and admit it when you do not know the answers. Just letting your child know that it is okay to talk about adoption will also help a great deal. Studies strongly suggest that the more willing the parent is to answer adoption-related questions, the better the environment is for the child.
What If I Say the Wrong Thing?
Many adoptive parents feel anxious about talking with their children about adoption. They worry that they will say the wrong thing or not have all the answers. They may clutch up every time someone brings up the subject of adoption. Experts say adoptive parents worry about these things partly because they think they should be perfect parents.
Being an adoptive parent means that you probably went through a lot more scrutiny than most biological parents, such as a home study or adoption study. You probably also wanted a child very intensely, and you may have waited for years for your child. As a result, you may feel that you must do everything just right and be the best parent on the block. In addition, some adoptive parents suffer from feelings of guilt because they feel they have kidnapped the child from the birthparents and deprived them of rearing this wonderful child. This leads them to think that they have to be super-parents to prove their worthiness.
Assuming that you adopted your child lawfully, there is no reason to feel guilty. Perfectionism is burdensome and self-defeating. Try to accept imperfection in yourself, and you won't burden yourself (and perhaps your child) with unrealistic expectations. No parent is perfect, and your best should be good enough.
This also applies when you talk to your child about adoption. No one has all the answers, and there are no perfect responses. Some of your child's questions may pull on your heartstrings and really disturb you. This response is normal and should be expected. Remember, if you believe you have made a mistake in explaining adoption to your child, in almost all cases it can be corrected.
At What Age Should I Begin?
Experts differ markedly on when a child should be told about adoption, although most agree that it should be prior to adolescence. Some experts recommend waiting until the child is between 8 and 11 years old and can understand such a complex subject. Others believe that children should be told as young as age 3 or 4.
Infants
Experts disagree quite strongly about whether adoptive parents should use the words "adoption" or "adopted" around infants. Some experts believe that repeating, "Ah, you are my beautiful adopted baby" to your baby while rocking her to sleep is affirming and can help you get used to saying the word "adoption" in a warm and positive way.
Other experts believe that such statements could harm your feelings of entitlement as a parent. In his book Healing the Hurt Child, psychiatrist Denis Donovan says that "Babies have no need to `know' about adoption. They need love, care, nurturance, safety, and challenge." In any case, the main advantage, if any, is probably to the adoptive parent rather than to the child.
Preschoolers
Experts disagree about whether to explain adoption to preschoolers. Psychiatrist Herbert Weider feels very strongly that telling your child he's adopted too early can cause permanent emotional damage. Says Weider, "My clinical data unequivocally demonstrate the traumatic effect of the early communication and its participation in anxiety, confusion, and regression." . . . "the needs and development of a child of 2 or 3 years are not well served by revelation of his adoptive status. Rather than `forgetting' the story, my patients continued to be obsessed with the theme." According to Anne Braff, "Modern, educated adoptive parents are so eager to be right, so determined to make no mistakes. Driven by a compulsion for truth, they rush to tell their child the secret of their anguish and joy. Inevitably, they are too truthful, too joyful, and too soon."
Other experts disagree. According to David Brodzinsky, "In the preschool years, when most adoptive couples begin to disclose adoption information to their children, there is little evidence of any immediate, adverse reaction to the information. In fact, young adopted children often have a very positive view of adoption . . . . First they generally are told about being adopted in the context of a warm, loving, and protective family environment. Thus, the emotional climate surrounding the telling process is one which fosters acceptance and positive self-regard."
Brodzinsky finds that the main problem with early explanations is that they often don't stick because the concept of adoption is too complex for a small child to grasp. Most experts agree that preschoolers won't be able to understand the concept of adoption, even when explained at a very basic level. The problem with this is that it can cause the parents to mistakenly believe that their child will need no further explanations and will continue to view adoption positively throughout his or her life. In fact, a team of British therapists speculated that "It seems almost as though there is a wish that the child's early incomprehension should anaesthetize him against the element of pain that is part of the information, and that this anesthesia should persist and spare him pain when he does comprehend. We would argue that some pain is inseparable from comprehending that one is adopted."
One problem with delaying the adoption explanation until a child is around 8 years old is that young children often know the basic facts of life well before then. Children as young as 2 or 3 notice pregnant women and ask questions. A child may ask whether he grew in his adoptive mother's tummy. Many adoptive parents simply tell the child that Mommy did not give birth to him—that another woman, the birthmother, gave birth to him, and then he was adopted. Other parents avoid the issue by lying to the child, which can backfire on them later on. Probably the worst thing you can do is ignore the question altogether. Small children have extremely vivid imaginations and may dream up an explanation much more outrageous than the actual situation. Children need to know that all children are born, but not all children are adopted.
If you decide to explain adoption to your preschooler, simple explanations are the best. Do not burden your child with the reasons why the birthparents chose adoption, or your agonizing soul-searching about whether to adopt a child. Remember that preschool children think in very simple, concrete terms and tend to take everything quite literally. The main idea you should try to convey to your child is that he or she was very much wanted by your family. Try to describe how you felt when you first learned about your child. What were you doing when the social worker called to tell you to come and pick up your child? Were you so excited that you ran out in your bathrobe? Simple facts like these, with a positive emotional overtone, are what your child needs to hear.
Pre-Teens
Between the ages of 8 and 11, most adopted children will start to ask questions about adoption. They may ask, "Who arranged the adoption? How was it arranged? What does my birth certificate look like?" It is a good idea to show children their birth certificate (that is, the one you have; probably the original birth certificate is sealed), and to share much of the information you have, depending on individual circumstances.
Your child may have seen single parents on television, and some of his friends may live with only one parent, so the idea of a woman placing a child for adoption simply because she is unmarried may not make much sense to him. Children at this age are likely to be very judgmental and see issues in terms of good and bad—there is no middle ground for them. Still, they can begin to understand that sometimes children need to be adopted and that adoption is a good way to form families.
It is a good idea to bring up the subject of adoption periodically at appropriate moments. For example, if a relative becomes pregnant, a child may start to think and wonder about her own birth. Or on your child's birthday, she may be a little sad and reflective and may wonder about her birthmother. Social worker and adopted adult Carol Demuth says that birthdays are ". . . a natural day to `connect' with the birthmother psychologically. As the adopted person reflects on his own birth, he will wonder if his birthmother is thinking of him too." Rather than asking the child directly, "Are you thinking about your birthmother?", you might state, "I'm very proud of you. And you know what? I think your birthmother would be proud of you, too." This will give your child an opening for bringing the subject up.
Do understand, however, that sometimes the child will not want to talk about adoption. In this case you should back off. As long as the child knows you are open to questions and discussions, then he or she will ask questions when the need arises
