My H was recently granted sole custody of OC. The OW has "issues" and could not provide a stable environment for the child. She does have 8 hours a week supervised visitation. If she gets her act together our lawyer said that maybe in 6 months to a year she could have short unsupervised visits.

I'll be honest I don't want to have the OC around full time. I feel evil for feeling this way. It was either my H or foster care. I would not wish that on any child.

My H works 12 hour shifts so I end up having to watch the OC until he gets home from work. I work 8 hours a day. It's making me want to stay in this marriage less and less.

I honestly would rather my H pay child support and have visitation than have the child full time and collect CS from the XOW. He went out and had an affair with a pill addict who lets her BF beat the crap out of her so that is not possible.

The XOW has absolutley no chance what so ever of getting back custody of OC as long as she stays in my H's custody. Foster care would be a different story. I asked him if XOW stayed clean for 2 years would he sign over custody to her and he just got the most hurt look on his face. I realized I can't ask him to do that and the OC deserves the stable life that we can offer. That means if I stay I have to get use to the fact that OC will be with us until she is 18 or whenever she decides to be on her own.

I've tried to bond with OC but I just don't have this deep love for her that my H has. I take good care of her, hug her and take her places but I just don't feel a bond with her. She is attached to me. She would rather me hold her than her father and has started calling me mommy. That makes me feel all the more guilty. When I look at OC I see the XOW. They look so much alike. I need to learn to separate the two.

I have been so depressed the last few months. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I feel trapped. It's getting to the point where I am dreaming about what I wonderful life I could have if I were single. I have no children with H. I could support myself. Before all hell broke lose with XOW and the whole custody situation came up things were running smoothly for the first time since D-day. I wish we could get that back. Counseling does not seem to be helping anymore. What can I do?

P.S. DNA testing determined my H to be the father in case anybody was wondering about that.

I understand your feelings.

Time does heal a lot. We got half custody about a year and a half ago. However, ow has had no contact at all. That in itself makes life better for all of us. But I had the feelings exactly as you are describing. I still am angry that oc came to us as the result of an affair. But that has NOTHING to do with my feelings for them as individuals. OC do not know of their origins. I am mommy to them. And I do as best I can. I have come to realize that we are on the same team. We were the victims during that selfish period. We did not get to make the choices that their parents made. That has made it easier. And time has helped considerably. I do care for them, and I hope that I am a good influence regardless of our dna. I look at them as adopted children. I am pregnant now with our first child, and I truly hope that I will not show a difference between the children but I wonder. Hope this helps and remember God will help ya too if you want.

Trainwreck,
I hear you loud and clear!! There is an OC involved in our situation. The OW is a 22 year old recovering alcoholic. She has never been able to support herself and seems to assume others are responsible for her. And she's supposed to be able to raise a child??!! On top of all that the OC has Down Syndrome. We don't know what his capabilities will be as an adult. Now, I have regular contact with this little guy and I love him dearly. BUT, I'm forty-eight years old, as is my WS, and I didn't want to raise anymore children. Our children from previous marriages are 16, 17, 19 and 21. Just all moving along their way to independent adulthood. I just have this gut feeling that this young adult is going to find it too much to handle having primary responsibility for the OC. My WS is very involved in his care and support. Some of that will start to change, however, as we work on reconciliation. He won't be available to the OW, only to the OC. And he, too, works long hours so I'm afraid that would leave me to caretake. I hope not. I'm very comfortable having the little guy over for "visits". More like a "grandma" role. He's a delight! I will do whatever I can to support his healthly development. But, I'm not his mother. Hopefully, I won't have to be in that role. I don't envy you your situation. It's hard to get your own needs met when you caretake everyone else and have little time with your husband.

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: lilymarie ]</small>