I would really love some advice and your thoughts or experiences regarding the OC. I am trying to figure out what the right thing to do is regarding an affair that has resulted in pregnancy.

I am 8 months pregnant and I found out the man I was dating not only lied about being divorced but he was never even seperated. When he found out I was pregnant 8 months ago, he told me he couldn't handle it and he never wanted me to contact him again. He changed all his numbers and pulled away from all of our mutual friends. I found out he was married and he told me he really wanted to work things out with his wife. Here is the dilema. I do NOT want to hurt his wife or cause problems in a marriage he is trying to make right. He has not told her he had an affair or that I am pregnant. He would not help make any descision regarding what I should do and I tried to get an abortion but I couldn't do it by myself and he never told me what he wanted me to do. Now I am so far along I am attached to my little girl.

I am not sure if his not dealing with the situation and disappearing act is NC or abandonment of the situation. I am also not sure if I should ask for child support from a man who never wanted the baby. If I ask for child support the wife will find out and worse he might resent the baby. The counseler said if he gets away with having an affair he might do it again and if he pays child support at least his daughter will have some kind of support from him but I feel that if he doesn't want the baby and I wasn't strong enough to get an abortion should he be responsible especially when it could damage a marriage. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks. Lynne.

Although this may be a difficult situation for him, it is definitely one for him. It is obvious that at this junction, he is not able to give any emotional support but he need to give financial support! Supporting a child is a large responsibility on your pocket. There are things they need on a daily basis. Sure, his wife will be hurt, and this may even add to the demise of their relationship but, you did not get pregnant on your own. I am giving you this reply as a woman who has a husband with an OC. Even thought, I hate the thought, and hate to have my rational thinking play a role in my situation, it's only right. The child did not ask for this, and the emotional strain is enough for you to carry on your own.

It sounds as if you discovered he was married practically at the same time you conceived. What lousy timing. I am so sorry.

Your XMM is immature and lacks character and having him in your daughter's life might not be good for your child if he is that way.

Abandonment (in my opinion) is when two people are free to make a commitment to each other or are free to plan to have a child together and then one party ditches the other. If someone pays child support, they are not really abandoning anyone or anything. Insisting in personal involvement or visitation of any kind simply opens the door to a lot of complications such as having to find a way to get along with his wife who is traumatized by the pain of discovery and resistant to disrupting her life by including into her life a child whose existance is a source of horrendous pain and embarrassment (because it shows the world what her husband has done to their family). The wife may not be receptive to involvement or contact of any kind for months or years, especially if she and her husband have not been successful in mending their marriage.

If this man is not mature enough or worthy enough to be in your child's life, it is best you file for support and be glad for the financial assistance if you decide to keep your child.

Since you did not know he was married until it was too late, none of this is your fault. You were not an interloper into someone else's life or marriage and are therefore blameless. Your child deserves financial support but I wouldn't count on anything more.

No contact is just that...no contact. If this man made promises (a commitment) to you and you two discussed having children together and you believed you had a real future together and you did not know he was married, then he is abandoning your child. He lied to you. You thought he was single. He owes your child more than money but the liklihood of getting anything more than that with someone like that is remote at best.

It is just my opinion that anyone who is knowingly involved with a MM has no right to expect anything other than financial since they knew beforehand their lover was not free to make any commitments to them and they knew their lover had prior obligations and commitments. This guy sounds incapable of delivering anything of substance to your child. You and your kid are better off without him in your lives making you miserable. His unfortunate wife is stuck with a snake.

No contact sounds like a "good" thing in your situation. You don't need to contact him for anything. Just file for support and take care of yourself and your daughter.

Catnip =^^=

PS It doesn't take "strength" to have an abortion since that is the "easy" way out. What takes strength is to do what you are doing...keeping the child knowing you will raise it alone. If he isn't answering your calls and has dropped out of sight, it doesn't matter if he resents the child or not...and as for his marriage, that is his problem. His wife will find out soon enough when his paycheck is significantly less every week. You don't need to do a thing...it will all come out on its own.
I feel sorry for both you and his wife...you were both deceived and you were both innocent.

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

whatisright,

catnip wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't take "strength" to have an abortion since that is the "easy" way out. What takes strength is to do what you are doing...keeping the child knowing you will raise it alone. If he isn't answering your calls and has dropped out of sight, it doesn't matter if he resents the child or not...and as for his marriage, that is his problem. His wife will find out soon enough when his paycheck is significantly less every week. You don't need to do a thing...it will all come out on its own.
I feel sorry for both you and his wife...you were both deceived and you were both innocent.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't have said any better myself.

i have to say that if this guy lied to you there should be no reason to feel guilty about anything. you are not the one that hurt his wife, HE is.

at this point what he wants is of no concern. his actions have spoken loud and clear. what is important now is that you start taking care of yourself and your child.

as catnip said there is no reason for you to contact him again. but i feel that you should file for cs either with a private attorney or with the DA. the DA will be free but things move slowly thru that office. your child deserves all that he/she can get and his financial support will help in that manner. either way, DA or attorney they will handle everything and you will have no reason to have contact with him.

in your situation i would surround yourself with a close group of family and friends for support. i would also try and put some physical distance between you and him. maybe far across town or even another city if possible.

as far as nc or abandonment. he has abandoned you and your child. if you recieve cs from him that is all he owes the child. he can choose nc which is fine. if he chooses visitation it has to be with his whole heart for the child not to lower his cs. this is why i suggest putting distance between you. the more distance the harder it will be for him to use the visitation ploy to intimidate you with dropping cs.

good luck, pops

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help. I really appreciate all the advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I also wanted to commend you on your sensitivity and concern for this man's wife. Your lack of hostility towards her, your empathy for her proves you were duped by him. Had you been sneaking around with a MM, you would be making demands of him/them and delighting in her pain...making her pay for being chosen by her husband. But, you aren't saying anything like that. You are concerned for her marriage and feel badly for the situation and worried what the impact of this discovery will do to her. You are very kind.

I know of another woman who was once in the same situation you are in now and she had the same reaction towards the MM's wife. She did not know he was married until it was too late, like you.

She worried about the wife finding out about the relationship; not because she was scared for herself, but because she was afraid of how devastated the wife would be with news like this. It ended up to be a true sisterhood of mutual respect and understanding.

Right now concentrate on yourself and your child and try not to worry about anyone else. You can address other issues later if you are so inclined. Good luck

Catnip =^^=

Your situation is eerily similar to mine. I found out that xMM was married after having &#8220;established&#8221; a relationship with him that appeared to be leading in all the right directions. My finding out he was married was a total fluke. When confronted, xMM would not answer my questions&#8230;which was all the answer I needed. I walked away from the relationship, only to have the BS call me about a week later. She found my phone number and had a &#8220;funny feeling&#8221;. Talk about woman&#8217;s intuition. We had a very candid talk. I was completely honest with her. Within 2 weeks of that conversation, I found out I was pregnant. That all happened in March of 2000. I&#8217;m over 3 years post-Dday, and all is well. The situation is not perfect, but what is? Let&#8217;s just say that I&#8217;m happy. We&#8217;ve made the best of it and I&#8217;ve lived and acted with honesty and integrity. If ever I had any doubts or concerns, I came here for feedback. It&#8217;s great that you consider the W when or if you take any action. Knowing that you&#8217;re acting with compassion for her will go a long way in making peace with the situation. I&#8217;m not saying you should act solely in her best interest&#8230;I&#8217;m only saying walk softly with her. This is going to be a major shock. I in no way want to give you the impression that I think you&#8217;ve done anything wrong. You didn&#8217;t. Yes, he betrayed his wife, but he also betrayed you, and his current actions are a betrayal to that little girl you&#8217;re carrying. He played at something that he never had any intention of seeing all the way through. His actions were deliberately deceptive. I consider myself to be an intelligent person with solid rationale thinking&#8230;yet I was so easily deceived. Every now and again, someone would ask &#8220;How could you not know he was married?&#8221; I simply didn&#8217;t. If someone really wants to fool you, they will find a way. Ok, I&#8217;m getting wrapped up in the past, which can turn into a boringly long post. So, I&#8217;ll wrap it up. My advice: seek child support. Let him know that you&#8217;ll be filing, not out of consideration for him, but only as a forewarning so that he has opportunity to tell his wife the truth.

If you ever have any questions about what you might expect, e-mail me. I&#8217;ll be happy to share what I went through. My e-mail address is:

cblanco@tribalfirst.com