Hello, I am new here and I am asking for help. I have been married for 8 1/2 years and we do not have childrens yet. So far I though that we had a good married and relationship. In the last 3 years I lost two babys, and 3 months ago I found out by my husband that he had an affair with OW and she was pregnat by him. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted a second change for our married. He resigned his job and he confessed his affair and ask for forgivens to the family of the girl, my family and his family. I believed that he wants to make things right. She had her baby 2 weeks ago. She new that he was married and she knew everything about us. I told her that I was going to give my husband a second change, we move to another city, but she called him. My husband told me that he loves me, but he wants to be a father to the child, as you can tell my feelings are up and down. I agree that he needs to give economic support to the child, but I still do not know how often is right for both of us to see the baby. So far he has not seen him. I gave him a picure of the baby so he can know what he looks like. I do not want for him to see the baby with her. I rather want for the father of the girl to bring the baby to our home. I want to do the things right for the child, but it is dificult for me.

cocomar,

It is sad to have to welcome a new member to this little club, but all is not lost.
You have come to the right place for support and help in dealing with your new situation.

First things first... Read the Principles that are here on the site. Especially those that deal with the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty.

Then, together, you and your H need to make decisions based on what you BOTH want. If you cannot come to a mutual agreement, continue working on the decision. Do not make any decisions that both of you aren't happy about.

I, also, had been married for nearly 8 yrs when I found out about the OW and the coming baby. And we had not had any children together, yet experienced multiple miscarriages over our marriage. One in particular, happened right after I found out about the OW.

Its been a long and hard road, but we are doing much better. Our marriage is stronger now than ever before, and we are expecting our first child in just 4 wks.

Read as much as you can and post as often as you are able.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Yes, welcome.
I think you have the right idea by keeping the xOW away from your H and your family and your marriage!

Regardless of contact or no contact with the OC, definitely should be no contact with the xOP.

H = husband
OW = other woman
OC = other child
OP = other person

You'll make it. If your H has committed himself to you again, you have a better chance of making it than some people who are surviving affairs withOUT OCs... Keep the faith!

Thanks for answering me. I could not write sooner, but I want to tell you that I told my H about your advices. He responded properly and he is reading a book call His needs, Her needs. You probably know about it. It is helping him a lot to understand better what happened.
I want to share that some days I struggle with resentment I feel that the pain will never go away sometimes. When memories come to mind I try to do something else, but some times I can not. I cry by myself and ask God for help. I believed that forgiving them was the hardest of all, but now I think that is forgetting what is the most difficult, and more because the OC will remained me of the unfaithfulness of my H. It is difficult to talk about the subject with my H because he do not want to talk much about what happened. Sometimes I do, but I feel that I would hurt his feelings, and my own if I bring up the subject. My H has not seen the OC, but I know that he wants too, and he will soon. I hope that I can get courage to see him too. I still feel angrness toward him. I want to help him, but I need help too. If some one is reading what aadvices you can give me to forget. May be there are not, but still I want to continue with my marrige. I do not want to divorce because I can not forget what happened. These last three months has been the worst of my life I think. Should I expect more to happened? I do not know. Thanks again. I am reading a book call Love busters, and every adice you have for me believe me that I will read it. God bless those who answer our cries.

Have they had a blood test to prove that this is your H's baby yet? Just curious...

God will get you through this. How is your H regarding MB materials? Is he receptive to the basic concepts?

It could really help you guys to go through the articles together! Dr.Harley knows what he's talking about. Even the Q&A section on this site is so extremely helpful.

Good for you guys to relocate. How did the xOW get your new number???? Yikes... She's a persistent little booger, isn't she??? It would seem that your moving away would speak volumes, at least to ME it does!

Can you change your phone number? If you tell the phone company that you are receiving harrassing phone calls, they will change it for free. They don't even ask for details. At least they used to do that where I live. Try it and see? Then request an unlisted number. That was kind of an invasion of your privacy if you ask me.

The fact that your husband wants the marriage so much he is reading marriage books like "His Needs, Her Needs" should comfort you. And, you have to give him a lot of credit for making amends to you and your family and even her family. That took courage and he sounds remorseful.

One other thing your husband should read is the informaiton on this site...especially the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and the Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection. The POJA teaches that each part of the couple must not do anything without the other person's enthusiastic agreement. This pertains to "contact" or "no contact" with the OC (other child). It might be wise for him not to see the child right away unless you are comfortable with it. His involvement with this child will effect you forever and your feelings must be considered.

The first few months after the discovery (D-Day) of an affair should be spent together, focusing on each other, the marriage and its recovery. After a while when you are both feeling more secure in the marriage, then perhaps you can begin contact.

Contact is an issue that is different for everyone. Some people can handle contact right away, and others take months and years. Only you will know when contact will work for you two.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ September 13, 2003, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Dear cocomar,

Like you, my H had an affair and OC before we had children and I was struggling with infertility and several miscarriages. It was a particularly devastating blow the find out that another woman was having my H's child, instead of me, when we had been trying for several years.

Although an affair and OC are always painful, I think it is even worse when there are infertility problems in the marriage.

Like you, I read everything I could find about affairs and relationships. Unfortunately, there is no information to tell you how it feels to deal with an OC -- that is why this site is so wonderful. The first thing you need to know, like Catnip said, is that the first months are horrid. Your emotions are wild, it is a crazy roller coaster ride.

An affair is like a death -- the death of the marriage that you THOUGHT you had. You are shocked, sad, angry, but then, miraculously, you get to the point where you start to climb back up. Don't rush the stages -- you have the right to feel the sadness and anger -- just don't dwell on them forever.

Your H wants to work things out. My H always told me that, since we had no children, if he wanted to leave he had absolutely nothing holding him. He stayed because he loved me and wanted to work things out. Try to hold onto that thought. Betrayal is tough, but re-commitment is also a wonderful thing.

My H and I went to counselling for a short time. You might want to consider that because in counselling you learn how important it is for the betrayed spouse to ask all of the questions weighing on her mind. That will help you to put the issue away for good.

I would not say that you forget what happened, but I can tell you that the pain lessens every day and you will reach a point where it won't consume you the way it is now.

If you really need to talk, you might try explaining to your H that you are NOT trying to re-hash the past, but there are some questions that you need answered in order to help put your mind to rest. Pick a time when he is comfortable and you are alone together. One thing I found is that you must promise not to become angry or react to the answers -- and stick to it! That was the toughest part for me. Hearing some of the details made me extremely angry and sad, but I tried to listen as if I was a friend and was outside of the situation. That helped tremendously.

If you get angry when he shares something with you, then he will clam up and stop wanting to speak about it. Keep trying in subtle ways to get him to talk. It was very hard for my H to open up until he felt sure that what he would say would not hurt me or make me angry.

As far as contact, I think this is all too new for you to be making decisions yet. Some have contact, some don't. That is really a personal choice that will need to be made by the two of you. But, it is not unusual to give some time for the couple to heal the marriage and re-establish some measure of trust before accepting the OC into your life.

Try to keep an open mind, especially since your H wants to have contact. It would be quite reasonable to have someone bring the child to you, rather than having your H visit with the ex-OW and child. But, give yourself time to understand your own feelings before you commit to anything.

Keep posting here when you need to talk. There are many caring people here who will help. And, keep praying for God's guidance. He has the answers, you only have to ask and listen to what He will tell you through your heart.

I will also keep you in my prayers. But just know that your marriage can survive. It will be different than it was, but sometimes it can be even better.

love,
heavenly

Dear friends thanks again for your advices. My H and I have been talking about the book we read
(His needs, Her needs) we have not finished yet. It is helping us a lot. I know that there are good advices. I just pray that my H will continue reading it and sharing with me what he feels. It is difficult for him but he is traying. About changing the phone number I can not because we
are living with another family and the OP knows them too. We will change his personal phone number soon.

We have had a few counseling but where we live it is difficult to find a good counselor, that is why I am reading all the information that comes to my hands about the subject. Ones I told my H about having a blood test to prove that the OC was his but he was not too happy about it. He really believed that the OC is his. I told him about the policy of joint agreement but I hope that he agrees with it. He wants to see the OC in about two weeks and I am praying that I will be prepared, I am not sure yet. I would like for him to wait longer so that I would feel secure first. I will talk to him about it, I hope that he understand my feelings. I try to understand his feelings of beeing him a father but it is too hard. Don't you think? I would like also for the OW to understand that my H can not be a full time Dad and that my H is not going to live with her. Please pray for me because I am going to talk to him but I am not sure that he would agree with me in waiting. We live about an hour away from where we lived but I think it isn't to far away. Our churches are to close related and they have services two or three times a year together. I would really like to move to another city farther away but I can not for now because in four months I will have a surgery and I have everything plan. Please pray for me. It seems that I have many questions and a few answers.

If you H wants a relationship with his child then you should allow it. I know it will be painful but the child is a part of him. Follow LynnG"s advice, set it up through an attorney so that you don't have to have contact with OW. That way you don't have to see her. The child is an innocent in this.

Hello, so far, my H and I have been ok. we have ground stronger the last days, but I have a question. My H speaks Spanish and I was able to find the book His needs, Her needs in Spanish, but the book Love Buster I do not think it is in Spanish. Do you know if this book will be traslated in Spanish? Also Do you agree that we can overcome infidelity without counseling? As I told you there are not counselors that would think the way Mr. Harley does, and I like his ideas and suggestions are very good.

So far my H has not seen the OC. It has been his desition, I told him that I will be with him when he wants to meet the OC. The oportunity has not come yet, but I am preparing for this time. A book that is also helping me with the offense is call The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. I do not know if it can help others. Thanks for your advices I hope that we could overcome our problems with success.

Hello! It is been a few months that I do not write anything. I wanted to know that everything will be ok, but it is not. My H started talking with the OW again. They meet each other one more time and talked to each other frecuently. I found out about it and I confronted my H. He told me that he wanted to leave home with her. Can you belived that? As you can tell I feel sad about the situation. This week He probably move out of the house. I have to move to another house too because we are living with some friends. I read a book call Surviving an affair, and I am in Plan B as suggested. If you have any advice I will apreciate them all. I know it is difficult to see your H leave. I now believe that we need to let the things run freely. I do not want to live with someone that is thinking in OP. Do you? I do not know if he will come back some day. May be he will. My H keeps on saying that he loves me. I belive him, but we can not live this way any longer. Bye for now, I need to find a home and work too. thanks to all that read it.