I have been here a long time and rarely post but to make a long story short my H cheated on me had a OC, no contact, OC is now 7, he swears he only cheated on me with her no one else, I really did not beleive that but had no proof, accepted it and I know he has not cheated in the last 5 years, here is the thing, I found a list of womans names, most of them are names I know, there are 21 names mine is included in this list as are 8 other names which I know are women he slept with before we were together, the other 12 are women he has seen at work and I know the names because I have met some of them and he has mentioned others, I think this is a list of women he has slept with and if he was here I would confront him but he is not and I know he would lie, what do I do?? I am so confused and mad and angry and feel betrayed all over again, we have been together for 24 years and I know most of this would have happened about 10- 15 years ago but it still hurts and I don't know what to do, if I had somewhere to go I would go but I don't, please any advise would be appreciated and much needed right now, thanks please help

neverforget, I don't have any advice but I can only imagine your pain... I'm so sorry for your situation. What a shock!! I hope you get a MB-friendly counselor, even call the Harleys. They have great advice.

God be with you,
J, in recovery 5 years

You suspicions may or may not be accurate. But, if what you suspect is true, then your husband's issues are deeper than you or he realize. He might have ego issues and have the need to feel desired and accepted by outsiders to gain any self worth. Maybe making a list of conquests makes him feel like he's a big shot. Either way, it is pathetic and a sad commentary on your husband self image.

The "good" thing about this is that it is HIS problem and has nothing to do with you. He is probably very in love with you but feels lousy about himself and needs a cast of thousands to make him feel special and validate him. Who knows? Maybe he is just needy and stupid.

My first husband had lots and lots of OW and I came to realize that when there are that many OW, none of them are special. They are all blurred into a bunch of meaningless people. My current husband for the past 20 years only had one OW, and that was much harder for me to deal with because she was special to him for a time....and that was far more painful for me. But, that's just me. Betrayal sucks no matter who or how many.

Just remember, it isn't you...there is nothing wrong with you. His indescretions speaks volumes about him, though.

Consulting with the Harleys for advice is much better than asking me, that's for sure. I'm such a trouble maker, I would make up my own list of names and leave them laying around. For a reaction, I'd add his best friend's name to the list even though we don't even like each other. THAT would completely confuse him.

And I wonder why we had problems. (sigh)

Catnip =^^=

Sit down and talk to your husband about what you have found and hear him out.

It might be kind of a disrespectful judgment to assume that he would lie, but you know him better than anyone so you're probably right.

Still, you should ask him some questions but first tell him all the good things about your recovery--that you think are good. Tell him all the good things you think he has been doing to win your trust back and how much you appreciate those things. Really stress the good points and reasons why you have stayed and why you want recovery, etc.

THEN, after you say everything good that you can think of, maybe let him know with all the good things happening, it is very confusing to run across something like this--then hand him the list...

Tell him you have an idea of what the list means but you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him at least to have an opportunity to explain what it means.

Then just listen. Unfortunately you can't control if your husband is a "protective liar." If you think that is why he keeps lying? Because he is not protecting you, he's insulting your intelligence.

Hang in there & keep the faith!

Neverforget did you ask your H about the list?

Did he explain why he had it? Seems confusing to you but maybe it was an old list, perhaps when he was thinking about betrayal, maybe he forgot it was there.

I can understand your being anxious though.

I hope you update us soon.

love
Debi

So...what's up?

Catnip =^^=

Okay well I asked him and HE says it is a list of the ones that he could havve had along with the ones he did have, supposedly the ones he did have are the ones before we were together and the one he has an OC with, okay I do not believe him he is full of crap but what can I do, it is many years ago and somehow I really just don't care all that much right now, is that bad?? I know they mean nothing to him the only one that lasted along time was the one that had the OC and that is only because she made herself available to him, he never did seek her out so there it is I have no idea what to do but it comes and goes this weird apathy about it all, maybe I have hit the point that we all can hit sooner or later we just quit caring for awhile anyway, self defense mechanism maybe but it does help and so have you thank you very much and if things change I will let you know, does anybody else have this strange apathy about it all???