It has been about 6 weeks since H revealed his 3 one-night stands ( 2 with same person). The last of which has OC due 10/31 (2rd strike you're out!). He keeps all her calls at a distance, still answers and replies to cell phone only when I am NOT around. #1 ONS was in another state. She called the other night and he "tried to spare me the pain" so lied about her call. He at first denied it was her, but I could just tell. He was flustered when he answered, and hung up on her. Would not tell me who it was. I begged for hours! When I flat-out confronted him and asked him to call her to tell her that we are trying to restore our marriage, he refused, told me I could answer the phone next time she called. Finally, after about 20 minutes, he confessed that he did not need to call her because he already DID call her about 5 minutes after her call. He walked away from me and called her. Told her he confessed to me and that we were "back together". Funny, we were never apart....Anyway, would not divulge any more of the conversation. He said it was none of my business. He pointed out at that time that I need to get over watching his phone calls through a telescope. Said if I didn't we'd end up here again. He threatened that he'd have another A. I am trying hard enough to deal with this baby coming, and no answers, $ to her, calls to her, personal get togethers to "talk about what they're going to do", then the other one pops into the picture again. Our pastor told us that this could all be worked out with true repentance and with BOTH of us working on it. It feels like only I have repented for the things I did that "made him" go outside of the marriage (I had a physical problem, turns out, and had surgery to correct it!!!!!) and I am the only one working on changing it. I BEG him to spend time with me, I BEG him to share his life and thoughts with me, I feel like I am the one who committed adultery and am trying to get him to trust me again. It is so screwed up. My pastor's wife told me to "remain the blameless spouse" and all I can do is wait! Any advice?

BelieveHeIs,
The A is still on going. You must make a decision and either plan A or plan B right now.

My H did the same things about the cell phone calls, but lied by omission at first. It took a long time for him to re-commit to me. In the meanwhile I did a short plan A (about 4 mos) and a short plan B (about 2 1/2 mos) before H came around.

I was about to file for divorce because I couldn't function with all the half truths any longer.

H came home and we tried but it took another year before I truly trusted and believed him again.

Prayers to show me the path I should take were my answer to everything in my life then.

Prayers of thanks and praise are here for us today.

Please take it slow as these things take time and patience.

Continue to counsel. Your H is in a fog and not able to distinguish between la la land and reality right now.

I wish you well. Take care of YOU and pray. Follow Harleys advice on everything now but be prepared for your H to trash it all right now.

It will all happen in time what is supposed to be.

Blessings...
love
Debi

There are lots of people that can help you way more than I can. They will come along, if not tonight, then tomorrow for sure after the holiday is over.

First, your topic title/question caught my eye, because before I even opened your post, I thought to myself, "Goodness no...restoration is not possible after 6 weeks, even under the best of circumstances of both the ws & BS working at it!"

I feel so badly for you and the situation you are in. It is painfully obvious from what you say, that you are the only one working on the M. It is sad that you feel like the adulterer, that really sucks!! Do NOT allow yourself to feel that way. No matter what you contributed to the state of the M, pre-A, you did NOT contribute to the decision of the As!! He isn't doing anything to protect you in the form of coming clean, and making his comings and goings, phone calls, etc. an open book for you. Ok, I'm sure that I'm only reiterating things you already know, but just wanted to reassure you till good advice comes along, that you are correct in your frustrations and hurt.

From what Plan A talks about, I guess your "begging" as you put it, might be considered a LBuster at this point, but I totally understand it.

I didn't go back and check any of your previous posts, but I'm sure someone has already suggested you read Survivng An Affair, the Q&A section on here...really go over Plan A & B, and all the Basic Concepts as well. Also, have you considered giving a call to Steve or Jenn Harley for phone MC? Another good one to get hooked up with is Penny @ www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

She has a great web-site and she can help you even through initial emailing.

Your pastor is correct in saying it can all be worked out w/ true repentence, and w/ BOTH of you working on it. It sure the heck doesn't sound like your H has done either of those as of yet!! Yes, he confessed/revealed, but seems to have shown NO remorse, or made any steps to change, and as I said before...not protected you!! Did your H say to you at any point that he wanted you, and the M, and was willing to work at it, as well as do whatever it took to gain your love, respect and trust again?

I could be way off here, but his actions and words don't even seem like they are coming from someone in the "fog", but more like from a selfish cake-eater.

I realize I'm the ws in my situation, but I can recognize your H's disgraceful behavior. I wish I could say I would be as patient as you have been under the same circumstances, especially given the fact my H has been so generous, self-LESS, and unbelievably forgiving to me, but I'm not sure I'd be able to do the same. I respect you so much, just for the fact that you are still there by his side, it surely is NOT easy!!

I hope I didn't add salt to your wounds by flaming your H, not my intention. Just wanted you to know that there is more you can do than "just wait". Again, I guarantee there will be others that will come along, that know more, and more from your POV too, and tell you lots of pro-active things you can do.

Take good care,
~AD

Since discovery is so recent for you, it is predictable that your husband is still confused and probably thinking that there's been too much damage to the marriage to make any effort to fix things. Sometimes it takes months for them to realize we aren't going anywhere and we are still committed to the marriage. Usually, once this revelation becomes apparent to them, they start to come around.

The Harley principles on this site have been invaluable to so many here. By reading everything you can on this site and Harley's books, you will come to understand so much and once you impliment his principles into your life, chances of recovery is great.

I know it seems hopeless right now and we all get sucked into thinking it is something we have done or that there is something wrong with us. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with us and we are not responsible for our wayward spouse's choices.

It took almost three years for our marriage to be fully recovered. At first, I was the only one working on it because my husband was so horrified at what he had done and just didn't think we could repair such extensive damage. So in the beginning, he made little effort.

When he finally realized that I was in it for the long haul, he began to trust me. Ironic, isn't it, that he needed to trust "me"?

Today my husband is more devoted and more in love with me than when we were first married. Everything is brand new. Old wounds have healed and being haunted by the past is non-existent. You can recover. Marriages do heal. And couples who survive this usually find themselves at a level of higher love and understanding that they never dreamed possible. I am happier now in some ways than ever before. Even though we are struggling with some issues pertaining to OC, we are on the same page with the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and work together to come to a resolution that is best for everyone concerned.

Don't give up. You have come to the right place for hope and guidance and people who have been where you are now and can give you the information you need to begin the healing process. Start with the readings and learn how to make it way of life and see what happens. Remember, this process can be lengthy, but if you are up for the challenge, give it a shot.

Catnip =^^=