This is my first posting here and I would dearly love some advice. I apologise in advance of the very long posting but when I got started I couldn't stop! Oh and it is confusing in places and jumps around - a bit like my own thoughts really!

My H has been seeing this OW for 7 years and started seeing me 5 yrs ago. I had suspisions last year of A and demanded he ended it. He did but on a business trip OW showed up at hotel, they did the 'deed'.

I get pregnant and find out three months into it she is also nearly three months by H. DNA test done through CVS and 99.999% possibility it's his.

I get upset, angry, frustrated. We already have one child and I am step-mom to two teenagers from his previous marriage. If it was not for second child I would leave but figure it is worth trying to work something out.

Our children were born two weeks apart. Mine a girl OW a boy. This really hurt as this is his first boy and I wanted to give him that, instead I give him two more girls.

It is not the OC childs fault and H is a good father and I would not want to deprive OC of this but cannot see how I can move on from all this pain, hurt, anger and resentment and memories for us to work out. Especially as he still has to have contact with OW. If there was no contact whatsoever it would be easier to forgive and move on.

How can I trust him and believe him? I am going for counselling, he comes when I request it. Counsellor believes I am co-dependant. (I am still on the fence on this concept.) OW of course wanted him to be with her but he says he told her he wants to stay here in England with me and his family, that he cannot be as good as Dad as he would like but can see OW and OC 6 times a year including special occassions like New Year and birthdays. I have told him for this to work that I must get to know the OC and our kids must get to know their brother regardless of whether we work or not. I don't want them being hurt or getting angry at their father. I want to be included in OC celebrations that are important to him and he involved in my kids celebrations.

I hate the idea of being excluded!

We both have the same goals basically - our kids know of their brother, we see the boy regularly as possible, the first few times he sees him alone (of course with OW as there is no other way), eventually though I see meet OC and OW. I have seen photos and I am not feeling threatened by her looks but by the idea that he has someone waiting for him in the wings so to speak.. He tells me often that even if he and I didn't work he still would not live with her as his family & life is here in England. (OW lives in another country). But of course if he and I didn't work then he would make more time to see OC.

I love him dearly and he is trying to show me he is sorry by always letting me know where he is staying what his movements are, when he has contact with OW over finance of OC or DNA testing, or meeting up, whatever. And it helps but it is not enough to stop my anger at them both, or to stop my memories of H and I and what we have done so far together, being clouded by their secrecy and what memories they may have. We are trying to make plans for the future but my thoughts are continually obssessed with OW and OC and how it will impact mine and my childrens life. In some ways I would like the OC here so there would be no contact with OW, but this is not fair on OC.

I am so confused! Please does anyone have any advice for me to help me past this frustration of feeling that I can't do anything constructive? H feels OW calls the shots as she is mother of OC. I disagree I feel H and I should call alot of the shots and create boundaries as we are sending her money monthly.

OW is now starting to say that if I go with H when he is going to visit then H can't see OC. H says his reply is that then he won't go but just send money every month. I wish I could believe this but I don't think he would carry it through and I believe OW knows this. OW is also continually complaining of H not being there for OC first smile, giggle, health check etc. But my response is tuff, she knew this when she started this.

I feel sorry for OW, OC, & OW's two children from previous marriage. I feel trapped by trying to do what is best for me and everyone else. SOmetimes I think it is easier to just go and leave them to it but that does not mean to say the hurt, anger, frustration, or pain will go away. That's why I feel I must stay and work through this, for my sake and my kids. I don't want how I feel to affect my future relationships with my kids, H or other important people in my life. At this moment in time I feel it will.

H thinks I should be happy that he has 'chosen' me and our kids over her and her kids. That even though he has seen her the longest he justed wanted sex from her and nothing more, but wants a life with me. He has also said that he will not do this again but believes it is in everyone to have A. I believe that if you think of one thing for example ' This will never work' or 'I'll have an affiar' then it is a self full filling phrophecy - it won't work.

Well I want it to work but it is so hard. He is seeing her next weekend. I am going too but will not meet OW or OC on this visit. They are doing another DNA test. How should I be/act/with him? He needs to know I have his support, I need to know I am important to him.

I'll stop now and wait for some advice otherwise I'll be here for another hour!

So confused.

Tojo

Tojo,
I'm sorry you're in this. I'm sorry for your pain.

It's good that you got counseling but you need a MB-principle-friendly counselor. Have you read the MB articles? Do you have any recovery books? Maybe you should call the Harleys. Is your H remorseful at all? Is he working on the marriage?

It is wrong of H to put OW's wants first. She has NO right to exclude you in visition! H should've fought that from the very beginning. I don't know @other countries, but in US the custodial parent cannot demand that, legally. Does he have any court arrangement?

It is very big of you to allow contact w/OC and good feelings between the children, but you have a right to establish healthy boundaries for the good of your troubled marriage (like including you in visitation!). Have you read about Plan A, Plan B?

I hope you get more replies.
J.
in recovery 5 years
also living in different country from XOW
was also pregnant same time as XOW
no contact for 1 year