I am new to this, even though I have been reading this for a while. I am not new to the situation. Mine has been going on for just over 4 years. A brief/long synopsis is WH and I have a business together in a small town (4,000 pop) and were starting another there (back in 1999). That summer we went on vacation to Seaworld for 2 days with one of our waitresses. She had babysat, been a friend...for approx 4 years to us. I saw her as a daughter in many ways. We come home and WH states he can't go on with our marriage like this anymore, he has feelings for someone else. I literally blacked out with shock. Over the next 2 months I lost over 40 lbs, can't eat what doesn't go thru a straw. Find out 1 mo after d-day that it is this waitress. We at that time have my parents buying the business joined/next to ours. I make him tell his family. He can't see/talk to his mom for 6 mo at his parents request. His WHOLE family totally supports me (and still do). I couldn't tell my family, I couldn't tell anyone. I lost my job right before we bought the building our business is in. He consoled himself over the loss of my job by sleeping once again with her and she got pregnant. He tells me a week after my birthday. This began in July and my B-day is in Oct. We had 2 excellant MC but as soon as they told him he had to stop seeing her to continue that was it. I told him Thanksgiving 2001 he had to move out after I caught him calling her at night...I packed up 60% of his things and gave them to him. He "lives" at our business. OC was born in 6/2000. She is very sweet. My children knew her because OW would bring her over to business to see him or for him to watch her. That Thanksgiving I made him tell our children who OC actually was and what he had done. The oldest had suspected. April 2002 I went over to drop off Easter extras at the business (so kids wouldn't find)and I find her car behind the business. They are not inside though. I go to a bar down the street and they are there with friends. I blow up. He and I go for a drive and I am physically fitting him with my shoe. I hit him 3 time during the whole affair 1) night he told me he was having PA 2) slapped him across the face 3) Easter. At that point we were in our second round of MC and I thought it had been going well. I was ready for a divorce. The counselors were always surprised abit at how well we got along and weren't getting ready to kill each other. I love him and I know he loves me. He can't see this situation getting any better. He states he does not have PA with her anymore, but I don't know if I believe it. We have been stuck this way for soooo long. I still want my marriage and I still love him. I know thru reading here that I enabled his affair big time. I just told my parents about it April 2001. I hid it for him and even at one point told him he could still have her work there.

Ok, now that said. During the summer our business is really slow, so slow it can kill you in a small town. He went to Calif to work for 2 1/2 mo, it was an offer we couldn't refuse. It has been a nice break from the situation. He knows how I feel about us, but as said he doesn't see it getting any better. He will be coming back in a week (sept 15). I don't really ride the major rollercoaster anymore, but I can feel this one starting up. I learned this summer I can count on me and my friends and family. I had a great summer for the first in a while. I have to go but any help would be greatly appreciated. I also would like to say this is a great site. Unfortunately at my job ( I also have a full time job) we have a club (we have at least 7 people who are or have gone thru this).

--------------------
Me-40 WH-41
OW - 24
7/99 said he had feeling for someone else
08/99 knew it was PA
10/99 OW pregnant
6/00 OC born
Married 17 yrs
3DD (14, 11, 7)

I can't let go but can't go back either.

Toolong,

Well, first let me welcome you to the MB site! As you have said, you have read much of the information here, so you know what a great tool it can be, if used correctly!

I honestly don't know what to tell you at this point. I get from your last paragraph, that you aren't sure how to feel about your H coming home? Is it anything specific, or were you mainly just introducing yourself, and wanting an outlet of sorts right now?

Anyway, please post as often as you can, and we will help as much as we can!

Welcome, again!

Tigger

I want help on my marriage. As stated he has been away for 2 1/2 mo and is coming back. We had it arranged before that he came over and got the girls up and ready for me, since i have to leave very eary to get to work on time. He would also make breakfast, coffee, take a shower...and when they got off from school he picked them up and hung out at the house with them...made supper...did laundrey. He was there but not actually living there. He was there as soon as I got up or out of the shower and there when I got home. He would leave about 1 hr after I got home. He is looking to get back into that routine. I liked that routine because he was there, in a way. I want more I want him to stay, but I know after he leaves he probably goes to her house and that kills me....I know he at least sometimes stays the night. He doesn't want me to get closer to him(emotionally) but if I tell him to not comeover...see the kids but not me...he comes over more and earlier. It confuses me. He wants the family and we did things as a family till I would put to much into it. During the summer he called every day at least once a day and at night to talk to the kids but late when he knew they would be in bed. We seemed to be in a cycle where we would be getting along well, but then I would put too much into something he did and he would back away and I would feel like I crashed and burned and then when the smoke cleared it would begin again. This summer gave me a break. I don't know if I should say enough is enough or try one more time. I feel I can't give up yet. I just don't want to do that cycle again. i have been handling the girls for the last month on my own with help from friends and family and if work agrees to let me keep this schedule I can keep doing it and not need his help. I am afraid to give up what I have with him for fear he will really go away. I don't want him to go. Sorry for the rambling and confusion.

I just finished speaking to him re a problem with the business. I feel like I am being treated like a "friend", not someone you are super close to but nice to. It is frustrating. I feel like I am being blocked out of the picture. If I tell him he gets mad and accuses me of blowing it out of proportion.

I feel like he is carrying on another life out there and I get bits and pieces of it every now and then. I have even been checking the local paper births to see if she has had another child...crazy.

I would like someone to give me an idea of what to do. Can I still salvage my marriage?

Toolong,

Have you read up on Plan A/B? It sounds as if you need to go into a Plan B, as you do still love your H, but he is slowly destroying that love! Your H is sitting on the fence and needs something to knock him off! Now, it may knock him to the other side, but that's a chance you will need to take. Otherwise, you will remain in this viscious cycle forever, and you will get nowhere in your M! I know, not something you may want to hear, but it's true!

I hope I was helpful in some way.

Tigger

I have suspected I try this. I know from this summer that I can go it without help from him. I will read up more on it at this point. I have all the books. I have to say my heart is very heavy just thinking about it.

toolong (love the login name! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ):

It does sound like tigger's suggestion might be your best bet at this point. With a child with his OW, it might be particularly hard for him 2 detach from her, assuming he wanted 2. By going 2 plan B, you send him the message that he must make a choice.

Life is about making difficult choices and grieving the lost alternatives. Places 2 live, places 2 work, career paths 2 follow... ...people 2 build families with and commit our affections 2. Your H doesn't want 2 have 2 choose, and probably feels that, so long as you'll "put up with" this arrangement that's developed, he'll live happily ever after. But you and your kids don't deserve this any longer.

Remember that plan B serves a couple of purposes: It serves 2 help you preserve your remaining love for your H, alright, but it also serves 2 give him a "taste" of life without you. But you also need 2 remember that, before going in2 plan B, you have 2 be prepared that DV may be the outcome, if he doesn't pull his head out of his nether regions before you've had enough.

All my best,
♥2long

Yes he even admitted to me before he left that he was not going to make a choice. This summer helped me deparate abit so I agree that Plan B may be the best right now. We had discussed divorce prior to the summer, neither of us wants it. I was in the process of filing and stopped when he asked me to wait till the end of the summer. I haven't started again. I will try Plan B. I just have to get all my ducks in a row first.

Toolong,

Well, it sounds as if you are on the right track! I have never been through/implimented a Plan B, so for advice on that aspect, I recommend posting on the Plan A/B forum on this board! They are awsome at helping with Plan B letters and such! But, PLEASE, continue to post here with any questions, problems...etc! Keep us updated as to how you are doing! Keep up the good work!

Tigger