I think I have touched on this question before, but am still having trouble. It has been 7 months, and while things are much better, certain things about the A still bother me as I found out yesterday. We have read many of the Harley's books, and have been following his ideas about total honesty, but some things about the A have still not been discolosed in total detail. I still have trouble dealing with the sexual aspect of the affair, more than the emotional part. The fact that they shared something so intimate hits me like a ton of bricks still. Does it make it better to know more details? Does it get easier as time goes on? Does anyone else have trouble with this? I seem to have more trouble with this right now than with the OC, which doesn't make sense.

It seems to me that if your WS has not come clean about everything you feel like you need to know about the affair, regardless of what the question is, then that is the problem...

If you do not feel like you are getting all your questions answered, that is not radical honesty.

Only you can decide what information you can handle. Maybe you won't like the answers, of course, but if you are asking, then the question should be answered as many times as you need for it to be answered.

The job of the WS is to regain your trust. If that means answering the question 29 times in an hour or calling you every 5 minutes to inform you of their whereabouts, so be it. If that is what it will take to win your trust, WS should be willing to give you that.

If not, then I would question the foundation you are rebuilding on. You don't want to rebuild on a foundation of more lies.

The biggie is to get the affair to end and including ending all contact with the xOP. If you are positive that has happened, then congratulations! That is a great step forward.

Rehashing the past can be harmful because the details are not what is destroying the marriage, the dishonesty is behind all the lovebusters.

Thanks BinThere - I do feel like we are rebuilding trust and he is being honest with everything he is telling me. I know that he is holding back some of the details in regards to the sex, because he is afraid it will hurt our us (afraid it will be all I think about). He has told me a lot, I just always seem to want to know more, or else I want to ask the same questions over and over again. Is that normal, to ask the same questions about the A over and over again? Did anyone else do that?
Also, the A did end, but how can all contact end when there is an OC? Contact is very minimal, and we always discuss everything when she calls(usually once a month about $ - we have a verbal agreement). How can you stop all contact when there are no lawyers or outside parties involved? There is no face to face contact, and we are not involved with OC at this time. If we completely cut off contact, what about future involvement with OC? We haven't made any decisions yet. This is all so difficult.

fortheboys,
I urge you and your H to go the legal route concerning child support. It is for everyones' protection.

Answering questions is what healing is all about. Tell your H you appreciate his honesty. Maybe some questions are too hard to answer right now as your H fears hurting you all over. My H took a while, then we'd talk at certain times and he'd answer a few questions at a time. The process took a long time as sometimes we both were just plain tired of talking about it all the time. I'd say it took over 10 months to discover everything I needed to know.

It must be hard having ow call once a month. I know it would be easier done legally. That way you would have established cs. Anything after that must be a shared decision between you and your H.

Your marriage and relationship needs time to settle down before you two do anything about oc. Only accept what you BOTH are comfortable with for now.

Blessings. A prayer for your peace of mind being sent.

love
Debi

Dr. Harley's advice on ending the affair and affair-proofing your marriage would include no contact between the WS and the OP. If contact with the OC is in your future, then you, the BS, should interact with the OP in order to prevent any further contact between the OW and your H. This is not designed to make anyone miserable, but to protect your marriage!

And no, I don't think this is being paranoid nor overprotective or showing a lack of trust for your former WS. I think it is using wisdom to avoid any possibility of communication between two people who once had the hots for each other.

If your husband had the hots for this other woman enough to have unprotected sex with her, put your health at risk, and make a baby all in one shot, then you need to step in between that. It sends a clear message: game over.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Thanks for the advise. I know Dr. Harlwy's stand on contact between H and OW and we have discussed this. I appreciate all the advise. Although it has been 7 months since I found out, sometimes it seems like only yesterday because everything is such a mess. I think my stress level is so high partly because of the continued contact, even though it is only once a month to make sure she gets $. It is the anticipation on the phone call that is difficult. We are going to see a lawyer to look into making everything legal. Although I am afraid of what it will cost, we don't even have the $ for a lawyer, it is the only way to cut off contact with her once and for all - at least until we make a decision on contact with OC. Any advise on questions to ask lawyer for those of you who have been through this? Any way to keep CS to a minimum?