</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Needtomoveon said:

quote:
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I have totally repented for this, and even plan on having my child blessed so the sins of his father and myself don't fall back on him/her when the child is born.
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</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heavenly responded:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Need, let me assure you of one thing, your child is already blessed. The fact that the parents and/or adults involved made mistakes have no bearing on the child. You may have a lot of bad feelings about getting involved with your xMM or how you were treated. But, please don't confuse those feelings by believing your child will be "tainted" by sin. It does not work that way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really believe that? That is something I have struggled with. My BH agrees with what you say and tries to reassure me, but I am still fearful. I worry that no matter how well we nurture him and raise him to be a respectable, good citizen, loving and caring, etc. that mine and x-om's sins will be his legacy. Whether what you and my H say is true or not, seeing your words today, although made me cry, also made me feel better about things. Especially all you've been through, and to be able to have that POV.

Your story is unbelievable. Just when I thought I heard the most cruel thing someone can say to another human being, I read what x-ow said to you...what a b***h she is, and what a LADY you are!

Take good care.
~autumnday

autumn:
I know what your saying. I've seen the sins of parents carry on from one to another. My xmm was adopted at birth. Later on in life he found his birth mother. He asked about his birth father and she refuses to give any info. I think he was a minister by what xmm says. He has bad feelings over this. He has great adoptive parents, but he has told me over and over that the abandement he feels from being adopted is real, and not knowing anything or allowed to know about his birth father. So I feel my child will have a double whammy so to speak because of his birth parents sins and our sin. Weird how I feel that way.

I was just talking with someone about this very subject last night. I believe that in many instances the sins do follow the child, but the Lord provided an out for that. That's to confess and repent of those sins! And to live your life as evidence of that change! It also has to do with HOW the child is raised and what the parents do to change the bahaviour that caused the "sin" in the first place! If you think about it, if the sins of the parents follow the children, how many of us should be in prison, on the streets, or just plain dead?!?! God gave us a way to change course, and if we take that option, those sins are washed away, so how can they follow the children?

Ok, enough of my preaching. Just wanted to present my view on this, and how I feel about our decision.

Tigger

AD I'd like to offer you the following perspective (which I hope it can help you).

How do we know that ALL of us, through our ancestors, are not the descendant children born from an OC of a distant WS and OP? We don't know but the chances are very great that we are.

The fact is we are ALL tainted by sin, not so much because of who gave us birth but because of our actions after our births.

Thanks all for your responses. Each POV makes sense to me. Doesn't it talk somewhere in the Bible about the sins of the father visiting the next generation, and so on down the line, till a descendent actively does something to change the curse or whatever you may call it?

Yes, TMCM...Your perspective did help.

Tig, did you get my email?

Take good care.
~aut

I agree with all of you here. I regrett what I did. I wish my affair never happen. But it did and it produced two beautiful children. All I can do is move on and raise my children. Hopefully they will know that what happend has harmed people. That they will know how bad their mother feels for bringing them in the world the wrong way, but they are truely loved. The lord has already blessed them and I believe I have found forgivness through his eyes for my mistake.

Aut,

Yes, I got it! I thought that I had responded to it, but with or business, I guess I hadn't actually done it yet!

Did you get MY email? I believe I sent it on Wed, about the package I sent?

Just so you know, I've been "offline" so I can either help Sailorman with his stuff, or cleaning the house for when my parents get here on Tues! I'm not ignoring you(or anyone else who's wondered where I've been lately). Just busy as all get out! At least it will all be over Tues afternoon!!!!

Love,

Tigger

i don't think there is anything wrong with having your child blessed. but i don't feel there is a need to bless him/her for the sins of his/her parents.

i believe that children are all innocent in God's eyes. regardless of how they were concieved and they are automatically blessed until they are of an age when they start to make their own choices in life. then with a wrong choice comes the need to be blessed and forgiven. i don't see a dark cloud of sin hanging over grace. in our case i don't look at grace and see the sin of her bio parents. she is just cute, innocent and pure as snow. tigger what do you and sailorman see when you look at abby? see my point?

as far as the sins of the father following the children. i believe that is a decision that the children make as they grow older in their own lives. they obviously learn of their parents sins through their growing years. then when they are old enough they view the mistakes verses the penalties their parents suffered with and choose to walk the same path or not. fh followed in her moms footsteps who followed in her fathers footsteps. (affair wise, only fh had a child from it). those sins did not track them down. those people coose to walk those paths.

now will my kids follow in their moms footsteps?
this is one thing that i have a hard time with because i ask what consequences did they see their mom pay for her actions? we don't fight over this and never had any screaming matches about it either, where they would have picked up on the pain and anger.

i tried to hide my broken emotions from them as best i could and made excuses so they wouldn't think i was mad at fh. not feeling well, etc.

so the question remains, what did they learn about actions and consequences? i know they will understand love, committment, forgiveness, etc. but that is not the topic.

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"i believe that children are all innocent in God's eyes. regardless of how they were concieved and they are automatically blessed until they are of an age when they start to make their own choices in life. then with a wrong choice comes the need to be blessed and forgiven. i don't see a dark cloud of sin hanging over grace. in our case i don't look at grace and see the sin of her bio parents. she is just cute, innocent and pure as snow. tigger what do you and sailorman see when you look at abby? see my point?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well said pops for if we don't love and protect the innocent then we are no better than the monsters that purposely killed more than 3000 innocent people and destroyed the lives of their innocent loved ones two years ago. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear Autumnday,

I absolutely believe what I wrote!

Pops said that the sins of the father can become the sins of the child if the children embrace the father's way of life. That is so true.

But, the sad fact is that we as adults place so much value on right, wrong, black, white, that we fail to see the world the way I think it truly is. We are all travellers just feeling our way. The maps we receive early on in life (be good, go to school, get a good job, marry, have a family) -- often change for a variety of reasons. But, the map is so ingrained in our minds that we believe there is something "wrong with us" if our life goes off track.

There are hundreds of reasons why people have affairs. I am not excusing the breaking of vows, but I am giving credit to the fact that we are people, we have pressures, we have emotions, and we make mistakes. When a mistake becomes a new life, we should not go on to raise the child beneath a spectre of fear, doubt, uncertainty, shame, or anything else. We should raise that child, in his or her innocence, the same way that any child in any family would be raised.

I guess I am trying to say that if you superimpose your pain, or shame, or anger onto your child, then they WILL grow up with the sin of the father -- not because they deserved it -- but because you put it there. You will be the one perpetuating that cycle.

Pops also brought up an excellent question about "consequences". If everything goes on in the family as normal, do children get the message that the behaviour of the wayward spouse was not so bad?

I think my experience has made me more caring towards my children, more concerned about their feelings. I have learned to communicate better all the way around and I try to teach them how important it is not to hurt someone else. That may be the most important lesson for them to learn. Forgiveness being the next most important.

No matter what happens in our lives, we will be hurt at one time or another. But, I think that if my children will think twice about an affair before they destroy the feelings of their mate, then I will have done a good job. But, if their mate does falter, hurt them, and they have the ability to understand, be compassionate and truly forgive, then I will have done the best job of all.

love,
heavenly

Edited to add: By the way, Autumn, thanks for the lovely compliment you paid me in your post. When I came to MB I was in shambles -- low self esteem, trust issues, betrayal issues -- the whole nine yards. I read everything I could get my hands on, I listened to the stories of the others on MB, and strengthened my relationship with God. It was a long and difficult journey, and I am not at my final destination yet, but I feel more peace these days than I have felt in a very long time. I have learned that life is a process -- you don't arrive at a point and sit there. You keep moving, growing, discovering, doing wonderful things, doing awful things, making mistakes and forgiving. And the greatest thing of all is each day represents a new opportunity to become the person you want to be if you didn't do it yesterday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>

Bumped up for autumnday ...

Thanks for the bump, heavenly!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Pops said that the sins of the father can become the sins of the child if the children embrace the father's way of life. That is so true.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What got me to thinking about the subject in the first place is that I'm pretty certain my Mom had an A/A's, and one of my sibs is an OC. In fact another sib who brought this to my attention believes I may be an OC too, but cannot prove it by blood type alone as he did w/ the other sib. My Mom isn't aware of what we know, however SHE mentioned more than once her belief that HER Mom had an A/A's!! If all this is true, I am 3rd generation, (at the very least) of cheating women.

I do see what you all are saying. It isn't so much a curse, or that the next generation is destined to make the same mistake as the previous, rather a repeat of horribly bad choices. It just seems odd when you see the SAME mistakes being repeated through a few generations.

This I know:

I, and I alone made the choice to go out and have an A.

The "devil didn't make do it"!

My Mother certainly didn't make me do it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Pops also brought up an excellent question about "consequences". If everything goes on in the family as normal, do children get the message that the behaviour of the wayward spouse was not so bad?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmm....perhaps this may have been in the back of my head, that my Mom never got caught, faced any embarassing consequences, etc...or not to my knowledge anyway. For all I know, my Dad was in the same position as my H, knew all along and yet raised my sib as his own, quietly, not revealing to anyone. I suspected my Mom's A/A's from a very young age (10-11), and was disgusted by her from that point on, and vowed I would not follow in her footsteps. Yet, 30 years later, what was I doing!?! I didn't know of the potential of my sib being an OC till I was in the midst of my A. Yet it didn't disgust me enough or wake me up, because I went on to get P 4 months after this revelation!!

I believe there is truth in the belief, "We don't learn from another's mistake...we learn from OUR mistakes".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No matter what happens in our lives, we will be hurt at one time or another. But, I think that if my children will think twice about an affair before they destroy the feelings of their mate, then I will have done a good job. But, if their mate does falter, hurt them, and they have the ability to understand, be compassionate and truly forgive, then I will have done the best job of all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Beautifully said, from an obviously loving and caring mother!!

That is why I said in another post, I long to tell my H's parents the true depths of their son, and to thank them for the superb job they did in raising him to be the man he is today!!

Hope all is well with you, heavenly, and thank you for your reply. Also, thanks to pops, seeing as I quoted heavenly, quoting you!!

Take good care,
~aut