I haven't posted in a while, so i will refresh your memory of my situation.

2001 H had A with ow. 2-02 H told me of A and that ow was P with his child. he had ended A several months before she called with news. OC was born 8-02. H wanted no contact with ow or oc, which i was grateful for. he deeply regreted A and our marriage is far better now than ever before. WE have learned to be more appreciative of each other and to attend to each others wants and needs. At the time of A we had sort of fallen into a rut of many years together and the routine of everyday life. We have 3 children together 17,13,& 7, and want to protect them from the hurt and embarassment of Husbands A and existance of oc. We have still told noone about OC or A. We know it may come out someday, but want to protect our children for now.

ow had 2 c from first marriage and was divorced when A occurred with my H. He felt sorry for her and befriended her at work. One thing led to another. H was with her only a few times and she "accidently" became P. While she was p with oc, she started a relationship with another man. after birth of oc, paternity test was done that proved my H was father. My H told her he would pay cs, but wanted no contact. We are now paying over $700 a month for my H's mistake. That is more than she is getting from her first H, for 2 children, and she wasn't even married to my H!!!

She became P with new other mans child and he married her. I guess the trap didn't work with my H, so she tried again. Yes, I know that was an ugly thing to say, but it really hurts that she tried to steal MY H from me. She should have been on the pill if she didnt want to become P!!!

OW calls H about once a month to "update" him on Daughter. She called before her 1st birthday and wanted to know what he wanted to get her for her birthday. He told her to get whatever she wanted her to have. She wants to give him pictures of oc and probably wants him to see her. He doesn't want pictures, because he is afraid that he will decided that he wants to become involved with her.

He still wants no contact. He says he was the sperm donor only and doesn't want to be her father. He is the FATHER of OUR children and is really remorseful for his infidelity and especially that it caused an unwanted child.

Don't get me wrong, he wants what is best for oc also. He wants ow's new H to be a father to her. He dated her during her P and was there for the birth. To oc, ow's H is her father.

H did tell her that if having 4 children was more than she could handle, that we would be glad to raise OC. I am fine with that.

The other day I was on the internet and OW instant messaged our address. It really unnerved me. I asked H where she got our address and he said he didn't know. They used to email each other, but it was on his personal address that he had at the time of A.I KNOW he hasn't been talking to her behind my back, if thats what your thinking. He tells me every time that she calls and he resents her calling. When he told me about A, he showed me some of her emails and I got her email address. That is how I knew it was her that IM'd us.

When she IM'd us, I didn't tell her that it was me. She said she just wanted to say hi, so I said hi. I really don't want to make her mad. She has really been pretty good, and hasnt bothered us that much. We're afraid that if we make her mad, that she may demand more. My H makes good money and she was shocked at the amount that she was to receive. Needless to say, so was I.

Part of me wants to tell her to Please leave us alone, that she is getting OUR money and that that is all she is going to get. I sometimes feel that she wishes she still had relationship with MY H. I feel bad that the oc won't get to know her biological father, but i don't think i can bear the thought of ow having ANYTHING to do with MY HUSBAND, and I really don't want my children to have to share their Dad.

Are we doing the right thing, by being civil to ow and allowing ow's minor contact with my H? Or should we tell her to please stop calling and sending IM's.

butterflybonanza

Yep, take her off the buddy list. Tell her to quit contacting your H. I don't know, butterfly, that's just my first gut reaction.

There is no need for all that. She can send pictures but they don't need to be on each other's buddy lists.

You can change your H's e-mail address and it will all stop. It would be worth it.

Set the boundaries now while the baby is small and xOW won't be getting her hopes up and your H can concentrate on rebuilding your marriage without the distractions of xOW.

Consider yourself hugged. I can't tell you what to do. I don't think it is wrong for her to send updates, but they should go to you, not directly to your H. I don't agree with that.

I'm glad to hear that your H is interested in taking steps to protect himself from another affair. That's good!

Hi BB...I remember you well and it is good to ehar from you again.

I'm with BTDT...get OW off your Buddy List. Your husband has made it clear he wants nothing to do with them...and it doesn't sound like you do either! Your first obligation is to each other and your own children to kepe the recovery going and to focus on each other for now....especially since OW's new husband has been with child since before her birth and is the only Dad she knows. Perhaps if you and your husband do not respond, the OW will ask her husband to adopt the child and make the family one.

The CS you are paying is pretty substantial. Our CS is $1500 a month and it is killing us. Part of the irony of this is that both my husband and I have been married and divorced before we met and raised the children of our previous marriages together and neither one of us ever received dime one from either former spouses. And we were MARRIED to these people! However, our kids never went without even though money was tight, and they grew up just fine and are productive respected members of society. I just don't get why XOW's and OC's get to take so much money from us...why can't they figure it out like we all did, get a job and raise their kids and just stay out of our lives? The enormous amounts of money they take from us all now via a very corrupt and punitive court system is outrageous, unjust and completely out of proportion to what any child actually requires. It does not take $1500 or even $700 a month to raise a child. I raised three kids on much, much less with excellent results. What really bites is that these women never contributed to the household to garner the same amount of money a legitimate wife would receive from her X.

I hope you follow your hearts with this issue and don't get involved unless you really, really intend to stay involved and truly want to be a part of this child's life...if not, then ignore the IM's and not respond.

Good luck and God bless

Catnip =^^=