Seemingly out of the blue, several months ago, my wife declared that she was not in love with me anymore. I took it to mean that she did not love me anymore. It was many days later when she "clarified" it. She said," I still love you, I am just not "in love" with you. Now she gets upset with me because I will not return her statement of "I love You" at the end of our phone conversations.<BR> Based upon her actions of the last few months, I cannot believe she would "love" anyone the way she has me.(note the sarcasm)<BR>I am at a loss, even if she meant that she was not "In love" with me, that was not the way it came out,and her actions have shown me that she is not "in love" or "love" .<P>How do I make this work?<P>------------------<BR>GH0ST<P>

Hi There<P>This is your first "wake up" call. Not to scare you but I heard that from my wife and after weeks of probing I found out she was having an emotional affair. I was not involved with her day to day so I lost track of her where-abouts, she found someone else who was interested and WHAM! she questioned her love for me.<P>You need to take a look at how you see your wife. Did you feel the same way but she said it first?<P>Read alot of posts here about each others needs. I am sure you will learn alot here and apply what you learned to help your issue. Have your wife read here as well.<P>Good Luck

There really is no reply because its' more for her ears not yours. It is the ultimate in self-denial. She is in love with you, she just does not know she feels. Respond in kind with how you feel. Say "I'm in love with you". This is really what she is looking for, a respoinse from you. After all the time you've been together, it is very difficult to fall out of love from you. She is just angry with you. Angrier than she's ever been. Find out the reassurance she needs from you and give it to her. Try not to take it too personally.

Same ole, same ole. Don't mean to be sarcastic, but many people in here have either said (myself) or heard those same words. The next phase is, "I've found someone that I really love - my soulmate". And before your very eyes another affair has begun.<P>My advice would be, before the next shoe falls, find a good marriage counselor and begin counseling. Hopefully you will nip it in the bud and save an awful lot of pain for everyone involved. Good luck.

fighter -<BR>It was only taken truly personal, when her actions followed her words. I love my wife and my kids dearly, and now I can't say. I am dazed, I am confused,I am not sure what to think anymore.<P>toronto - <BR>there is some specualtion already as to her having an affair<P>freedom - we are going to counseling today<P>------------------<BR>GH0ST(gh0stw0lf@thespark.com)<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Tryintosurvive (edited August 10, 1999).]

keokuk, Iowa..wow..i'm from cedar rapids...<BR>any way, i told my H that i felt he did love me still but had 'buried' that love under a layer of resentment. finding out what built up that resentment and how to get rid of it is what the counseling should help with. HOWEVER, if there is a 'soul-mate' involved, then your W has added an extra-strength, titanium 'justification layer over the top to further bury her love for you. i also told my H this, that he had given love to someone else and therefore naturally would feel less for me over time because we will naturally move toward a 'mate'.<BR>its a hard thing to break through.<BR>good luck<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>There's no place that far.<P><BR>

Kelli - <BR>so far to date, she has "justified" everything. When ever I bring up something, she turns it around to where I am to blame.<BR>I proved to her in an argument, that I could be just as hurtful as she is being, by turning her actions/statements around and putting her at fault, and it caught her offguard for just a little bit, then she brought up something else to change the subject.<BR>How do you fight something like this when you really don't want to fight? All I want to do is get this prob out in the open, and deal with it.<BR>If it is caused by an underlying problem of her seeing someone, I can kinda start to see why everytime she feels threatened she brings up my past.(yes, I messed up a long time ago. I thought it was settled, it is not)<P>Pain from this could be contributing, but all of her accusations and flareups, are when I get to close, to what I think is really going on.It all revolves around a relationship, I am just not sure if she is talking about my old one, or her current one.<P>------------------<BR>GH0ST(gh0stw0lf@thespark.com)<P><BR>

Tryintosurvive, <P>As others have said, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." is a VERY common statement from the betrayer. For me, that statement was followed by:<BR>"We were never lovers - EVER."<BR>"I coould never find you physically attractive again."<BR>"I want out of this marriage."<BR>"You have hurt me so much for so long that I can't take it anymore."<BR>"You are the father of my children, and that's all we have in common."<P>There were others, but the first couple made me numb and I sort of went into shock. <P>If you don't suspect an affair is already going on, then I would take this as a wake up call too. Your wife is reaching out to you. You are probably neglecting one another's needs and neither of you is willing to take the first step.<P>So, to answer your question, "how do you respond to I'm not in love with you anymore?", you respond with lots and lots of unconditional love. Show it don't just say it. She loves you or she wouldn't be reaching out to you. Put your pride on the shelf for a while, and give lots of respect, attention, friendship, affection and expect NOTHING in return. <P>She will respond in time, in fact, I suspect the flood gates will open for the both of you if you start paying attention to one another's needs.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

My only advice to you, if she is still living with you is to follow the MB principles, not lovebust, and maybe it will bring back "those loving feelings". <BR><BR>My H never said he didn't love me, but he said he had "no feelings", then he said he "cared" for me. Well, he is gone now, 7 months, and it is near impossible to bring those feelings back when we have contact only thru email. I have tried to show him how I am working on learning about how things went so horribly wrong but he is still in the throes of the excitement of a totally new lifestyle. I'm running on empty.<BR><BR>You still have a good chance if she is still with you. Good luck to you, keep posting, and I add you to my prayers.

I am at a loss. We went to the counseling session only to find that the counselor had misunderstood her, and went to a meeting instead, now things are on hold till tomorrow . Out in the parking lot, I asked her if she could self evaluate, and see if she was acting a bit sociopathic.Wrong thing to say, she took it totally wrong and we got into a session of me trying to calm her down, and her trying to hurt me with everything I may have ever done wrong in my life.<BR>It has gotten to the point where everything I say has become a sensitive subject for her.<BR>I should have realized that when it got to the point where I could no longer "play around" with her anymore.<BR>if I thought I was at a loss before, I am even more at a loss now.<BR>How can I get her to put her emotions on the back burner, and evaluate this whole mess like she used to, like WE used to.<BR>In the past it was never a problem for us to hash things out logically,even if it meant that the other was not completely happy with the solution,(this went both ways). <BR>We use dto be able to swallow our pride and talk things out, even if it was in a loud voice, and settle things, now I cannot say a word without her temper rising , and her need to lash out is so great, that she has pulled out all stops.<P>I am tapped out...<P>------------------<BR>GH0ST(gh0stw0lf@thespark.com)<P><BR>

TTS, you got good suggestions here. Goo ahead with counselling, that will be a first step. DOn't try to rationalize things, or expect her to, because she won't be able to no matter how hard you try, in fact, the more logical you are in pointing things to her, the more she will try to turn it around against you, because at this point logical thinking and rationalizing are impossible. She will enter in defensive mode, and you won't be able to get trough.As for her, she will feel confused, but will not think about it.<BR>Avoid any angry outbursts if you can - I know the situation is painful but it''s a time to control yourself as you can, so as not to create a feeling of justification on her part.SHe will be looking for it, believe me.<BR>Sir HA, gee.....take the first sentence - he admited that we were always good sexually, in fact in that area things with ow were not better - turn it around, and the last four statements were word by word what I heard by my H too.Where is that script? Does it materialize in people's hands when they start an affair? Bo,y would I like to get a copy of it!<BR>Just comes to prove that in stress situations we will say - an many times believe - anything that will help us defend our actions no matter how wrong thy feel even for us, actually, I suspect the reason why they are thought and said are done is because they feel how wrong it is, just can't resist the how good it feels part.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

TTS - Stop trying to figure what she feeling! Read the suggestions, read the material at this site, work out a plan to show your unconditional love and get started. Your lovebusting and you don't know it. you better stop love busting or things are going to get worse. There will be a time to figure this out later.<P>kat - there must be a script that is passed around at Affairs-R-Us I guess. I pray my W was only lashing out at me and she didn't mean all that she said. I hope some day she will ask me to forgive her for all those hurtful comments (actually I already have) but I would like her to ask me anyway.<P>SHA

Sir, she will. My H did, although quite recently. "it's not even that I felt it, I was extremelly angry with myself and for some mysterious reason was trying to hurt you. What was the idea behind it, I have no idea...." ANd he did apologized. Very nicely I should say <BR>Take care<BR>Kat

thanks for all the thoughts , prayers, and advice!<P>------------------<BR>GH0ST(gh0stw0lf@thespark.com)<P><BR>

WOW! Interesting what the H will write to defend himself. I'm TSS's W, and no I am not having an affair! I think the self-defense mechanism in use here is called transferrance. He has had 1 actual affair, two internet affairs, and a current friendship is threatening to become an affair. Yes, I told him I'm not in love with him anymore. How can you be in love with someone who spends all his time (4+ hrs/day)on the computer and tells you to "go away, I'm busy" whenever you try to talk to him? I've become so resentful and angry at him that I've stopped trying to be nice, and our councilor has pointed this out. I'm trying to be nice again, but he's carrying a grudge and is getting worse. I hope the DR is right, that eventually the other spouse will come back into intimatcy if one makes the effort. I don't know how long I can do it by myself.

This may be a little off the subject....<P>But during my H's affair (and on our 18th wedding anniversary) he said to me "You know I've never loved you, and I don't like being married"<P>Since then the affair has been revealled, and we are working on our relationship, but I still dream about that conversation. I mean, was that the truth and all the rest (the rebuilding, the "I love you"'s of heard since then been lies? Or was that guildt talking.....<P>My H won't talk about it, so I'll never know for sure.....

Sir, I think you're wrong about trying to figure out her feelings. TTS is at least trying. My H has trampled on my feelings plenty and I finally told him No More! I put up plenty of blocks to protect myself too. I've told him for the lsat 3 years. "I do not want to be your wife" I'm not proud of him and I don't respect him either. However, he doesn't want to hear that so he ignores it all and acts like nothing should be wrong.<BR>Ca_Dreamer Count yourself lucky that he tries. But if I were you, I'd leave him. I've tried and tried to be happy w/ my H for 17 years and I've just about had enough. Oh yes, we've tried counseling. I'm ready to throw in the towel.

Lilah, If you go back and read my first response, you will see that I suggested that TTS start giving unconditional love. You can only try to analyze someone's feelings for so long. The 'doing' will help heal the hurt. Maybe I'm all wet, but my W got tired of me trying to figure her out. I made much better progress with her when I started giving and stopped analyzing.<P>SHA

Sir: Different things work for different people. My H made no effort. When love bank goes to 0 and -numbers, you do get to the point where you feel like it must be nice if someone actually did care.<BR>You may have overdid it trying to analyze lots. That could really get on nerves if it was over done.<BR>Unconditional love and giving are great ideas if a person is up to it. And they probably work miricles too.<BR>Lots of Luck to you Sir!

Tryin, when I felt my H was in the midst of his affair, I didn't argue with him, if he said hurtful things to me, I figured he must have had those feeling built up for a long time. So I let him let his steam off, I certainly didn't agree with everything he said, but by keeping my mouth shut I learned alot. I would just respond that I was sorry he felt that way and that I never meant to hurt/neglect him. If he said something totally off the wall, then I would say very calmly (never raised my voice) that I was sorry that was how he saw it but that I felt differently. The quieter my voice got and the calmer I stayed, the more he said. He was very hurtful, told me if he had the choice again he would never had married me. OUCH!!!! But they are talking from their guilt, I think he thought if he hurt me enough I would leave, but I didn't. Now, a year 1/2 later, we are closer than ever. Some things he said still hurt, but at least they were out in the open, and I learned to listen and not be defensive.