Hello everyone,

A little history married 23 years, dated 5 years so been in stbxh life for 27 years. We have a lot of history together and have to adult children(boys).

My Stbxh had an A that resulted in OC (girl) he never told me about the OC and he had a secret life for 2 1/2 years. He was seeing his OC on Sundays when he told me he was fishing and Wednesday night for that is my night bowling with the girls. This when on from the very beginning of her birth, I don't have a lot of answers to what when on because he leaves a lot out.

He says that he and this OW stopped the relationship before she found out she was pregnant. He feels he needs to be in his OC life and can't not have NC. Which I would have preferred in the beginning so I could breathe again but he had already bonded with her and I was left out of all the decision making.

Actually lets back up when I found out he told me he would stop seeing her because he loved me and wanted to work on us first and when I got healthy we would discuss it again. So for 5 months I was seeing a therapist was put on anti-depressants and stbxh was doing all the right things but I receive the new cell phone bill and you guessed it he was calling this ow 5 times a day sometimes.

I find out that the ow is not very healthy and is on SSI and was drug dependent (or still is who knows) and is not taking care of the child like she should so stbhx feels he needs to step up to the plate. All well and good what can I say to that, not much he has to do what he has to do. But I can't live with all the deceit so we are getting a divorce.

He lives with his sister and the OC has been introduces to the family and goes and visits all the time. I can understand that and don't fault them for loving a child but none of them have contacted my boys or me. It's like we don't excist, I see no winner in this. I know it's uncomfortable for them but I hate the way they are handling all of this.

My sons are very angry with their father and one has a little to do with his father and the other one won't even talk to him. I try so hard to tell them to have a relationship with him but I hope in time this will happen. Like my older son said "I'm not saying I'll never talk to him again but I will never respect him". Breaks my heart!!

So yes, he is doing the right thing for his daughter and he should be praise, I guess but at what cost. So she gains a father and my boys lose one. I am so devesated by all of this and so isn't everyone involved. We were very happy and he said he never not loved me and he wishes he could change thinks but he can't. So....

This happened almost one year ago and I am trying to move on and I go to therapy still and go to a support group and I'm surrounded by good friends and family. Still very sad and I cry but not as often I must move on. In saying that....

Yesterday I decided to take my dog for a walk in the park, we have to drive there but not far. I brought my headphone so I could listen to the football game. We start our walk and I look up and right in front of me is my stbxh and his OC, my legs were like rubber and my stbxh had to help hold me up. I couldn't believe this was happening and there was no place to run. So I have to see him be a father to his OC, I cry as I write this, I am heartbroken.

Why would this happen I am so angry because I have been doing so well and I have to run into him and his OC. I wasn't ready for this and I prayed to GOD to please let me be in a good place when this happens. I'm not so I want to scream, it's like some one has a voodoo doll and wants me to suffer. How much do I have to take? I see him love her and her love him, Why don't they just stick the knive in deeper and get it over with, I can't take this any more.

I know this is long I apoligize but why would GOD bless him with a beautiful child when he was the a**hole and leave me to suffer. I don't understand I did nothing wrong so why does he have someone to love him and he back to her. I have to grown boys but their grown I'm all by myself, I have that stupid empty nest thing going on. All I see is her hugging his neck and being afraid of me. I know every 2 1/2 year old does this but it HURTS so bad to not be her mother.

I could never take him back but the pain is indescribable and I wish it would just end. Life just is not fair!!

Thanks for listening!

LJ

lj1122,,,,, let me welcome you to our unique little group. though it seems to be growing by leaps and bounds. it is very sad for anyone to need a place like this but there are so many here that have survived this exact nightmare.

your story facinated me as your length of marriage and pre marriage relationship with your stbxh are very similar to mine.

the thing that jumped out at me is do you think it is possible to love that little girl. i ask this because although she is not your bio daughter she still needs a good, strong woman with sound morals to be a mother figure. you said yourself that her bio mom is a little on the tippy side and may very well be a drug user. sounds to me that she needs someone like yourself to guide thru life.

if you could manage to get your h into counseling based on the mb priciples and or get him to read the material on this site (as yo should also) your marriage may have a chance to be rebuilt.

as you can see from my byline my w (fullhouse-fh) and i have been together for a similar time as yu and your h. we have 6 kids together and then she had an A and an oc (also a litle girl). i thought for sure that our marriage was over. i asked (begged) her to try ANY other option then have the baby in order to save our marriage. she had grace and i was there with her at the hospital. it was the hardest day of my life.

i knew we were living together on borrowed time now. i would never be able to stay in a relationship with a woman who was raising an oc that was the result of her infidelity to me.

it took about 2 weeks but the end result was i realized that grace had done nothing wrong. she was as cute as can be and innocent. i couldn't just ignore her cries for someone to hold and comfort her. the first time i really held her she had me.

long story short, grace has actually brought fh and me closer together. odd because i felt she would have been the wedge that would forever separate us.

if your h is remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes aside from nc with his d. you may very well be able to make this a positive in your relationship instead of a negative.

yeah your h screwed up. and this was a big one but it doesn't have to be the end. all A's are surounded with lies and deceipt. i never thought for a minute that fh would lie to me about anything. she did. she is extremely remorseful. i'll bet that your h realizes exactly what he did to his relationships with his sons. father son ties are very strong in most cases. he may very well have to eat some crow from his grown sons in order to earn their respect back. but a huge sign that he wants that respect back would be if you and he got back together and he did right by you.

the pain does go away and trust does return.

Hello LJ,

I'm also very new to this board, I'm also feeling the emotions you are too. Hang in there as I'm also trying too. I found this sight about 2 weeks ago and every day I read and read what these women go through, it's heart breaking for me. This is the first time I'm actually posting a response to anyone.

A little history of my D-day, it was early morning on 6-29-03, the OW came to my home. My mother who was living with me at the time answered the door. The OW insisted on coming in to see my H and of course my Mom said No. Still the OW tried to force her way in and my Mom finally closed the door. To make a long story short, my husband jumped out of bed as I sat on my bed in shock. When I regained my composure I ran downstairs and the OW was already driving off. H and I were having problems with our Marriage and his initial reaction of course was I was the blame for his A. I knocked him a good one in the eye and it felt good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told him to leave and he did. A week later I found out that he took the OW to his family's home on 4th of July and she told them she was pregnant. My H said that was a shock to him that she even said anything since that was the first time OW has met his family. Well, on 7/7 he left her and came back to me. I decided to take him back b/c my older son was extremely hurt that his little brother (step brother) was going to grow up w/o a Dad like he did. He was so hurt and couldn't bare the thought of it. Plus, in my heart I wanted him to come back.

Two months later, our Marriage has been OK. We are talking to each other in a civil manner,more kissing and hugging, more of I Love you, crying together and he's also helping with the cooking. That alone is a plus for me, hope he's not milking it!

I'm currently seeing a Therapist every Friday & taking Zoloft to help me with the Anger. Lucky for my H, b/c w/o the meds, I don't know what would happen to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OW is evil, she has already tried to put a restraing order on me but of course the Judge denied her request. I have never met or talked to OW ever. She's called my home and left crude vmessages, she's followed my H to his new place of work and left a note "Now What" on his windshield, had a aquaintance of her call at midnight with threats, etc, etc. She's scary. I told my H what kind of person is she? Now he tells me she's associated with the Hell's Angels, Great I told him all I need are bikers coming to my house to harrasse me. Reminds me of PeeWee Big Adventure when he was in the Biker Bar. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, hate to make it short but I'm working and H is waiting outside for me, we comute. I will be back on tomorrow. Hope to hear from you.

Take care,
D. Chris