Just found out the other day that OW got an abortion. H found out by calling a friend of her's. Even tho I dont believe in abortion, I am so glad that she did. Main problem now is H feels even more guilt then before. We are scheduled to go to a MC this Saturday so hopefully things will work out. I know I need some counseling but I think H needs it more now then before. I just wanted to update everyone and thank you so much for all of your advice. I will continue to be here even tho I no longer apply to this room, per say. Again, everyone, THANK YOU!

You have no idea how lucky you are to not have to deal with an OC from an A! Why does he feel guilty? Because she was SMART and had an abortion?? Did he feel some sort of attachment to her child? Count your blessings! I'd rather be in your shoes than mine!

Believe me, I know how lucky I am. I have said on here before that I could not stay with him if he chose to have anything to do with the child, which he was thinking about doing. Even tho I chose to forgive him, I will never forget. I know I still have a long road ahead of me to repair my marriage but with the road she chose to have the child aborted, it will be easier for us. He feels guilty because she is in her late 30's and she may not have the opportunity again to have another child. He still cares for her, which I hate but the affair went on for over a year. She is hurting really bad right now, according to her girlfriend that he talked to. She had to take a leave of absence from her job because of this. I really could care less how she feels and what happens to her but that part of it is not up to me. This may sound weird but a part of me understands that he still cares. No, I dont like it but again, not my place to decide how he directs his feelings. I can only be the woman I can be and have always been and try to rebuild our marriage. Not sure how it will turn out, as none of us do, but I dont ever want to have regrets of at least not trying. I do count myself as one of the fortunate ones on here but up until last week, I was right with you Diamond. Good luck and take care.

My heart goes out to you ladies, as you have been hurt deeply and carry many scars. However, your comments about the abortion causes me to grieve. It is so sad that you seem to rejoice and express profound relief that an innocent baby was slaughtered. Your selfishness and thirst for vindication through this senseless act is horrible. The baby is the only innocent person (yes, a person - not a "fetus" or "mass of cells") in this whole scenario.

These babies are with Jesus now, where there is no violence and heartache. I pray for you both, that this same Jesus can set you free from your hardened hearts. He will offer you the same salvation and peace that these precious ones now have.

I am sharing this with you out of love and concern, with a dose of reality. You are deluded if you think this violence will bring all parties the peace you so desire. These acts of murder will only add more hurt in the long run.

I agree with you hurting promise keeper, it was not the childs fault. He/she was just an innocent little baby. I know how this lady feels but I can't understand why anyone would be happy about what the other woman has done to her child.

I agree - there is so much heartache on this board already, this just adds to it. I really feel for those childless couples that read this. This would be like a slap in the face to them.

Anyone out there contemplating an abortion? Adoption is the best solution if you can't be responsible enough to care for the child. Please think twice and carefully consider the consequences of your action.

Chrissie4,
I strongly urge you to call MB if you do not get good advice Saturday. They know how to deal with these situations while it may be too much for another counselor.

You H predictably, is still too concerned for ow and not what you are dealing with. He needs someone to point that out to him and the Harleys are teriffic at helping with that.

He must stop all contact first for either of you to take a further step in reconciling.

If he truly wants your marriage to work, he must stop feeling sorry for ow, and turn that into re-building a life together. Ahhh...the classic fog, it takes months to lift....may it happen soon for you.

Plan A until you are quickly running out of love toward him.

Until that fog lifts you will not see results.

Good luck Saturday...don't leave us hanging.

As far as the abortion you are not responsible for that, or your feelings for that. You are so new to this horrible mess. An anti-depressant may help you through it. Abortion or not, it still doesn't change what happened.

love
Debi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting Promise Keeper: The baby is the only innocent person (yes, a person - not a "fetus" or "mass of cells") in this whole scenario.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm not going to get involved in the abortion debate. But the above comment, I find wrong! The betrayed spouse is innocent too...as are any children of the marriage.

Even if there were problems between the husband and wife...it is no excuse for either to have an affair...the betrayed is innocent in this scenario.

Have to disagree. Both spouses carry a burden of blame when a M goes wrong or adultery happens (I won't call adultery an "affair", its adultery). This is not a man/woman issue, it pertains to both. Adultery does not just "happen". EN's were not met, LB's are evident, both parties have problems. Just because one spouse commits adultery that doesn't give the offended spouse the right to do the same thing. That's a copout and irresponsible.

The real "victims" in these scenarios are the babies that were needlessly murdered. I can't for the life of me understand how a woman, and especially a mother that has given life herself, can condone this act.

There are other, more creative and effective ways to deal with the anger and hurt.

Whoa, dont know how this got into a debate of abortion but I dont condone what she did. If you read my first post, I do not like the idea of abortion but it IS her body and I never told her or H to abort it. That was strictly OW's idea. No,I dont agree with abortion but nor am I going to sit here and feel sorry for her or the innocent child. She never felt sorry for me or my children the whole time she was sleeping with MY H. My main concern is to rebuild my marriage and if both H and OW are content with the idea of the abortion that is on them. I have nothing to do with OW decision! In fact, H never knew she was going to abort it. Again, I do not like the idea of hurting the innocent but I had nothing to do with it and if I choose to show some "joy" in the idea that her choice will allow H and I to rebuild what we lost, then so be it. I dont have to apologize to no one. I prayed many times, over and over again and if this is God's way of answering my prayers, then that is what I have to accept. God has a plan for all of us and if you say the hurt will only come back to "haunt" us then so be it. I dont live for the future anymore, I live day to day. I dont expect anything or take anything or anyone for granted anymore. Life is too short. So please understand, I DO NOT condone what OW did but did I really have a choice??? I think not!

Hurting Promise Keeper, you "have to disagree" and that is your right...and I disagree with you, which is my right.

No matter what problems are in the marriage (which may be the husband and wife's fault both) everyone should keep their pants on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm only saying that if one spouse cheats, the other spouse is innocent in that. Nobody told the cheating spouse to have sex with another person.

I'm sick of people saying the OC is the only innocent one in the mess. Innocent yes...the ONLY innocent one, no!!!

Totally agree with you garden and you are right, I never told H to go out and cheat on me. That was his decision, and his decision alone. Yes we were having problems but honestly, I never thought that it would turn out this way. Then again, we never do! As to the innocent, you are right again. More then just the OC involved here. What about my children and myself too. We didnt ask for any of this. Yes, maybe H and I were not getting along as a married couple should but still does not give him "permission" to cheat. I am just glad that my situation turned out the way it did. For those of you who are against abortion, that is your right. I dont agree with it either but I always say, "you will never know what you will do/think/say when you are in a situation". I believe that more now then ever!

Chrissie... you don't owe anybody any explanation. Promise Keeper should learn to keep their judgements to themselves.
To the life of me! What does the OW having an abortion have anything to do with you? You didn't sleep with her? You didn't take her the abortion clinic, did you? Promise Keeper get a grip!
Chrissie good luck on the rebuilding of your marriage!

You and your children are just as innocent and deserve compassion and care.

The OW chose abortion as what was best for her and her situation. Don't feel guilty for what her actions have done. You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

Focus on your children and your self and your marriage. Good luck.

Hi Chrissie4,
It is unfortunate that so many innocent people have to suffer after selfish actions of only 2.

You are right, you have a long road ahead to recover from this especially if some parts of your H's heart still seem to be with the OW...

Hopefully, you will not be the woman you have always been--you will be better and stronger and more determined to work together with your H as a team to repair what was broken in your relationship.

Hopefully the xOW will not attempt any further contact with your spouse so that you can work on it without distractions.

Keep the faith! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Wiz, LynnG, and Bin. We did go to MC on Saturday and I am not happy with her at all. It seems like all she cared about was the money. I think calling the Harleys is what I should have done in the beginning. I know after one session with the MC is not going to fix things, but she didnt even seem interested in what happened. Terrible MC! Again, I will be calling the Harleys. I just have to say "thank god for this website and all of those in it". Even tho opinions differ, we all have the same thing in common and the idea knowing there are others out there in the same situation, helps sooooooooo much!! Thank you all again!

Good for you for noticing that you had found a lousy MC. There are many out there. I think that the Harleys would be a good place next. Call them.

I know I come across hard here. I truly am not. I am just years away from the pain and hurt. I have been on the path for years, that others are just getting on. I can tell you one thing for sure, do not think about anyone else except for your own family at this time. Do not care what OW thinks or feels. If your husband is all confused, tell him that you are too. Call the Harleys and get real honest solid counseling.

Just remember to protect your child with CS first. You can let him know (like somebody else posted) "honey, since you are all confused, I am filing for separation and for child support, as I have to look out for our child"

Good luck