Well oh well..I have really had alot of inspiration from all of you but .....
I really thought I could overcome my problem..

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: hollenhund ]</small>

I am very very sorry evrone!!! I thin all of you should do what you thin is right ....sorry for my post!

hollenhund,

Don't be sorry. I hope you do come back and read some more when you haven't been drinking. There are success stories here,,lots of them. You and your W can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible if you are BOTH willing to do the hard work necessary.

hollenhund, you have received crushing news. It's hard, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with in my life. And I felt as you felt. "Cheat once and you're gone." But it's now years later, I'm still here, so is he and we're not sorry we gave it one more chance. It CAN work!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Read here,,read ALL parts of this site. Post. Ask questions, ask for help, for advice, for suggestions, for a strong shoulder. We all need it sometimes. Don't drink. See a doctor for anti-depressants if you think you might need it but don't self-medicate. You need to be strong and healthy to get through this.

The important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We should be able to trust our spouses to be faithful, but unfortunately this is not always so. I realize you are hurt deeply and you don't know which way to turn. I put all my trust in God. And yes there are women out there who value their vows.

My family wanted me to go back to God...My sister in law gave me this senario....A woman gets raped and ends up pregneant...but makes another cuple happy by letting them adopt a little girl...isnt this Gods work to make the new couple happy??

well I told them how could they think GOD would want the Girl to be raped...and my SIL got mad at me because the girl was her>>?????

Hollenhund,

Well, from a BW/WW I can tell you that recovery is possible, even if there were mulitple A's involved! If you look at my signature line at the end of my post you will see that I had 3(count them THREE) D-days(discovery days just in case you aren't fully familuar w/the abreviations)! And with the 3rd and final D-day, it wasn't about just one A either! Same w/the first D-day! So, I've sorta been in your possition when it comes to learning about the multiple A's way after the fact! We are now 3 years past D-day and still very much in love!

Now, I'm not going to tell you that it's been easy, because it hasn't! I'm not going to tell you that the forgiveness and trust are there immediately, because those take time! I'm also going to tell you that this is all new and fresh to you and your W and if given time, and as Nerlycrzy said, you are BOTH willing to repair your M you can recover from this devistating situation!

Call the counseling here from MB! Get your game plan in place, and follow the advice you are given by the Harley's! They have pulled MANY M's out of the fire, and those couples are much happier now than they have ever been! I don't have the number handy, but on the main board, you can get it by checking out the counseling section!

Above all else, post and read here often! Many have walked in your shoes, albeit different styles or sizes, and there is wonderful support to be had here!

Lastly, Welcome to the MB site, and hope to see you post more often!

Tigger

hollenhund, I don't know why God allows some things to happen but I do know He is our only hope, I think it is very clear that we cannot put our trust in people.

You are right all of you..I am sobered up now and really do wanna say i am sorry hopefully I have not offended anyone. Thank you guys for your responses.

I am glad you have sobered up, it doesn't help anything, I know I did the same thing and worse. I hope you continue to post because it helps. As far as I am concerned you did not offend me. It's very hard when someone you love cheats. It feels like your life has been ripped from you, at least that's the way it feels to me.

<small>[ October 04, 2003, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

Well been to a marriage counselor twice and have not had much help..I know it takes time but now he wants to see her alone because she said she has had multiple thoughts of suicide.

When we started this I asked her alot of questions and she is adamant that she got drunk in a one night stand...and that nothing else ever happened.

BTW her sister initially told me because they got into it.

Now her sister tells me 12 years ago when I was overseas in the Navy that my wife was in love with someone else and broke it off because it would make her parents very unhappy so she stayed with me. Also SIL tells me that she caught her making out with other friends over the years and that she cant beleive I wasnt smart enough to figure it out!

So while Im going through all the emotions again and crying she kisses me and says lets just go me and her and take her kids out of state and leave all this behind...She says Im too good for my wife. She has a unfaithful husband but has never had counseling due to cost..he has been in and out of jail for drugs sales..Now she wants me to run ...

Man o man does this get any more messed up!1 I need to right a book bet i could sell millions!

I think I am doomed for failure!

Cant sleep..cant eat lost 30 pounds in last 2 weeks...wanted to heal with wife its our 15 year anniversary next tuesday so I booked a trip to Cancun for us we have been getting closer but now I find out she still is not opening up to me!
I am having a hard time dealing with dishonesty.

well wanted to give you guys an update..my problem doesnt seem as bad as it could be ...I have to say I congradulate all of you who have been through this and stayed strong because Im about done with it all!

Wow, what problems,

Deal with your wife in whatever manner you see fit. But please do not take up with her sister. Everything she tells you is suspect...she has an alterior motive.

Take care

what are the rules on deleting posts...my posts sound so messsed up ...cant think straight and im not being too good at explaining my problem so that some of you can help me more...I think I need to start over.

Re-read my and other posts and I sound wicked.

You sound like a man that's hurt and confused. Whatever you do, do not listen to your wife's sister. I can't believe she kissed you! She might be exaggerating to hurt your wife more. Good luck and keep posting and venting.

Well had the day off so tried to go through old photo albums to realize what I have to lose and found a picture of the so called one night stand guy in our bedroom at that time...

Tonight im at work and feel like I have had the best decision making time so far through this..I can forgive her almost anything but if she wont still tell me the truth then I am going to end it..I will go to Cancun with her and make one more attempt in resolving this but I think its gonna end.

Bad thing is she works at the same Nuclear plant as me and dont think initially I can handle that much being around her so soon after she still has potential to hurt me deeply..

The questions in my mind are should I quit?? That might hurt the little ones but I really need to go back home to family and friends. Already told her sister enough is enough. Can a plan A/B work to get the spouse to talk to you...when we talk she looks crushed and I can almost believe I am killing her also talking about this subject so its really hard to get her talking she wants to put it behind us. The thing is she is leaving us open to this all over again like her sister telling me more stuff unless she gets it out of her system ..I really beleive she is my soul mate but hey I am not perfect. She also doesnt really like going to counseling...she says that she messed up when younger and it will absolutely not happen again and just wants it to go back to how it was before I knew.

I think she should have told me a long time ago but she still says she would never ever ever tell me herself and really doesnt want to talk about past at all anymore. In my mind Respect and honesty are number one in marriage (lol my emotional needs) and if she wont be open and honest with me I think our marriage is doomed also finding it harder to goto the subject now and am keeping lots of things down deep and its hurting..like things her sister told me...cant talk to her about it.

Are we doomed???

hollenhund,

It's going to take more than a trip to Canjun to allow your W to feel safe enough to unload her soul. If you want honesty and truth from her, (and that IS essential for recovery of your marriage) she has to feel safe when she talks with you. Safe--that you are going to listen and not blow up, that you will TRY to understand, that you will not throw these confessions back at her when you are upset. And that's going to take some time and work. Go back and read the post to you from "tigger4jdt". She gave you a plan and a goal. If your W is not agreeable at this time to counseling, call for yourself. The Harley's phone counseling is highly recommended as they specialize in martial recovery. Counseling and Coaching Center

hollenhund, your marriage is NOT doomed. You need to leave SIL (sister-in-law) out of this as she doesn't to have your or your W's best interests at heart. Read up on Plan A and how you can use this to make YOU the best YOU possible.

Keep posting, keep asking questions and stay strong!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hollenhund I agree with Nerlycrzy in that you must stop talking to your SIL, especially after her suggestion of you, her and the kids taking off. That doesn't sound like a woman who has no vested interest in you and because of this I would seriously question her stories about your W.

ok thanks for the advice all...called my sister who has been alot of help during this and having her read these articles.

Thanks...need to think some more on your responses before i do something rash it seems.

hollen,,,,,,,, 1 - your marriage is not doomed

2 - although your sil has to you been a big help she is only interested in herself and getting back at the people she is angry at, your w and her h. it is time for you and your w to start communicating without sil's intervention.

this won't happen over night as it has been buried for how many years? so don't make any hasty decisions now.

3 - you have to understand that your w is between a rock and a hard place. why do you think she didn't tell you 11 years ago? she was obviously worried that you would leave her. now after keeping all this buried and living in fear of you discovering it for all these years you expect her to just burst out in this huge "finally got it off my chest" confession. won't happen. it's gonna take some time for her to feel safe.

she probably thought that she had this all behind her and had just become comfortable (so to speak) living with this and felt she was safe in the fact that you would never know and therefore not leave her (rock). now she sees you as giving her an ultimatum of fess up or else (hard place).

i understand the cloud of hurt you are feeling but let's look for the silver lining. does tis change any of your feelings for your wonderful son that you love to death? what has life with your w been like for the past 11 years? miserable or full of love and family committment?

get some counseling and again don't make any rash decisions that will effect your entire family for the rest of all their lives.

good luck,,, pops

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

Thanks pops and others who responded...its been a hard but good day today..

Told wife about SIL and it hurt her alot but we talked and she did give me a confession and spilled her guts about all so that her sister wouldnt be able to come between us again...wasnt as bad as i thought or SIL made it out to be...

I also went to the counselor and talked to my sister and they both said what you just did..so since i wanted honesty I gave it to her and at first thought she was gonna tell me to get out but she is also very very hurt I feel so bad that Im making this carry on one day Im over it and the next it was hurting mostly because of SIL.

I also got some medication today some Zoltoff and sleeping pills.

I want to explain something else...My SIL lived with us back in 93 because she was suicidal and lived with us for 3 years and I supported her and her kids now she has been with us another two and is living with us... My wife just now confronted her and told her to get out.

She tells my wife it didnt happen..LOL.

Anyway I think im going in the right direction TY all who responded me and my wife are still committed to getting through with this.

On top of the world today!

Wife me and SIL had a long talk ...looking better SIL moving out but they appear to be healing...

I taking Zoloff and sleeping aide and feel 100 times better.

I wish I could do something for all that replied here and were understanding. Again TY all. Ill post next week. TY