Well looks like I didnt need to initiate that communication with the wife..

I thought about letting her read these articles but I was leery because on some of them I was drunk or on these wild roller coaster rides and saying things that hit you on certain days...but anyway she found this site on my history and read them..

Good!! And after checking your history, I bet she was very impressed to discover you have been on a Marriage Building site, trying to save your marriage!

It actually turned out to be a good thing we were able to talk about alot of things..seems she has alot of different views on it and I was wrong in alot of things.

Good again!! Nothing is going to get solved without communication between the two of you!

I really think this has helped us to the correct path for healing. We both agreed today to follow the POJA and really work to try to meet each others needs.

Please take the time to read all parts of this site. There are so many important concepts. And do the EN questionaires so you really KNOW what her needs are and she knows yours.

I know this isnt the end all but it feels like it is right now.

Why?

I guess she was hurt alot about the things I was able to communicate to you guys but wasnt able to tell her.. She is right I need to be able to tell her all of these things..its just sometimes easy to talk to others especially when I dont know alot of you personally(but I do know that forums/websites can create some good friendships).

She can't read your mind hollenhund. You HAVE to tell her how you feel and what you want/need.

She wants me to keep writing on here if I need to but I dont know that might be harder now I dont know.

Could be,,but I do hope you continue to post. Recovery is hard,,even when you are BOTH trying. We have several "couples" on MB that both post,,pops and his W, fh being one couple.

She talked of maybe writing a post on here for her to explain herself or hell maybe to even get a little payback on me for opening our closet for others to see or to bash me for being a bad husband I dont know lol..

I hope she does post too. This can't be easy for her either. And if she does want to "payback" or do alittle H "bashing" it's understandable. We've all been there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Plus, we are pretty good at seeing the other side too,,even when only one is posting....right?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am not afraid I love her..I think alot of you guys should get paid for your help you have given to me and if she writes please continue to help me and her if you would.

Paid? Well remember us if you ever win the lotto and we can all go on a cruise!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope you keep posting and I'm looking forward to seeing your W post too!

Like I said in previous post I dont make her out right and hell it might help us both..

hollenhund, we know that. We have all been there. When you are in such pain, and someone has hurt you so bad, it's hard to mention that person has any good qualities. We know she does or you wouldn't love her so much,,would you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well I thought a lot about what I wanted to post and then it really hit me that I am that selfish person my H was talking about I am the taker and he is the giver. He always has been it is going to be difficult to change and see his side to step in his shoes, yet still be the person he fell in love with, I will try I always have and always will love him.

There are a couple of things I want to set straight before I go on first thing is I did not dance with a whole bunch of guys it was one dance one guy which was way wrong. I did not go out dancing on mother’s day I WAS WITH MY MOTHER. I did make 2 huge mistakes 11 years ago one you know about and the other is not telling my H but what hurts the most is that we don’t know if my oldest son is the outcome of a one night stand or not and my H is writing post like he is not the paternal father. Should we get a paternity test? Even though my H says” it doesn’t matter he is his father” but can’t help but wonder if every time he looks at him he will be reminded of what I done and never be able to forgive me or just hate me forever.

I was reading his post and I don’t think of him as a paycheck f the paycheck I just want us to be happy. I know it is going to take along time to find each other again and I hope he will keep posting here I think it really will help. I also hope that we can communicate more with eachother.

I guess that is all I want to say for now.

Mrs Hollenhund,

WELCOME to MarriageBuilders!!!

I'm so glad you decided to join us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> As I mentioned to your H, we have several couples that both post on the fourms. Please feel free to start your own topics and discuss your own issues when you feel able to do so.

Be sure to read all sections of this Marriage Builders site. It has a pretty outstanding success rate and lots of solid ideas and concepts.

Your son,,,that's a tough situation. I have never thought, by the tone of your H's posts, that he was posting as though he was NOT his sons father. I read his posts as hollenhund being afraid,,VERY afraid he may not be. Others with far more experience in this area than I should be along shortly to give you some suggestions and ideas in this area.

I have to cut this short. I have to be up early in the morning for work, but I did want to take the time to tell you WELCOME. Please don't feel as though you need to defend yourself or justify every comment here. You're not on trial. This can be your "safe place" here too and you'll meet lots of very knowledgable, supportive people.

Welcome... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mrs. H,

I am 1/2 of one of the couples mentioned who both post, although, my H has been VERY busy of late, and acutally hasn't posted in over a year. Our situation is quite similar, only my H knew of the A before we knew I was P! We have never had a DNA test done, and Abbi is OURS! Xom never knew of P, so we have never had to deal with that side of things, and are greatful, as we didn't want to have him in our lives forever, if you know what I mean.

I think that it was a very good thing that you found this site, and found it through you H's history on the computer! It was kind of a wake-up call for you, if I'm not mistaken.

I don't know if you have any specific questions, but I am one of the main WS(wayward spouse's) who posts here on a regular basis. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Welcome to the boards!

Tigger

just testing to see if computer is up again.

mrs h,,,,,,,,,, it is very nice to meet you and hope to here more from both you and mr h.

i just wanted to say that i hope you don't feel that we were taking "sides" with your h. we were just responding to someone that had posted to us. infact i had been thinking if asking mrh if he thought you would consider posting to us also.

we all change somewhat as time rolls by. that doesn't mean that a h or w loses the love they feel for each other. instead it probably grows. the trouble is that our minds keep wondering back to the old ways we had become accustomed to.

the point i am referring to is that you don't have to change just become aware of some of your h's needs.

i believe that every relationship is composed of a giver and taker. so however you and your h fill those rolls doesn't matter. what matters is that each party has to realize that no one can be either 100% of the time. and that sometimes the giver for example wants to feel like the taker. these are the times when you have to pay special attention in meeting each others needs.

for me and fh (who i wish posted here more often) i am the giver and she is the taker. that is ok and fine accept for the times i am feeling a little down then i need her to be the giver in order to get me back on track.

as for the paternity test thing w/ your son? that is a tough one. for me i since you (the 2 of you)
are not (correct me if i am wrong) 100% sure of the truth i would go on living with this question just between the 2 of you unless some medical emergency warranted the truth coming out. the only draw back to this is that if someday in the future he were to find out it could cause some very hard feelings on his part. and at that time then the 3 of you would have to sit down and explain the whole thing to him.

mr & mrs h,,,,,,,, you both should feel comfortable coming here for advice and/or help. look at it this way. both of you have said that since the mrs discovery of mr h's posting here that it has been a plus.

i for one look forward to hereing from you both and wish many times that more spouses would post here also. wayward or betrayed i don't care. their voices would add many of the missing ingredients to understanding these problems.

Well I see that she thinks she is the taker and I the giver..

Well I can see that being true in many instances but over the years I realize I was moving into taker also..I love to play games in my off time and to relieve stress but in some of the games I play I can be in them for long periods where I lose track of time... I play for too long but never realized this and know she was giving by letting me do this gonna work on reducing this so no maybe in many things she was taker but all of us have the ability to be either in different situations.

I remember in years past wife saw I think an OPRA show where they said arguing was good for the relationship ..I always thought this was wrong and dont like to argue..But wife has also told me she wishes sometimes I would get mad and yell at her that being better than holding stuff in..guess thats true but I still dont like arguing lol.

As far as the paternity test..I think what my wife is saying and scared/hurt about is things I let slip but dont mean to. I joke around alot with wife and tease its in my personality to try to enjoy my time and have some fun in all that I do(also releives stress) anyway I remember in the last few weeks when my son would do something stupid or wrong I would tell her: " You should see what your son has done now" Well before that statement was ok but I guess I need to stop saying stuff like that she takes it as me rejecting him...I dont mean it like that but I need to stop doing it if she sees a different meaning.

anyway bye for now

Hi,

I just want to say do not beleive everything your sister-in-law is saying about your wife. She may be lying to get you to come with her. There are a lot of women who would do anything to get a man like you.

I dont Genia...in fact she is totally out of the equation.

Seems like my wife was still hurting for what I said in some of my posts..I tried to tell her some of them are when you are on the roller coaster ride or drunk in a few ...but I think what she is the most afraid of is me leaving without talking about our problems..I am trying to console her on this matter and let her know that some of the dicusions people have here are also how they feel at that time and doesnt mean its everday...

Do you guys agree with that?

Anyway I guess she wanted to say more than what her letter said but I dont know maybe she isnt comfortable with posting here alot.

We are doing good though and actually it seems like she is alot happier lately and I feel the same.