OK, as a formerly BS, I still can have a bad day, even 3 years past D-day. My thoughts get stuck in the affair, in the betrayl and in the sense of...I don't know, having someone else do something that nearly destroyed my life. I am usually not angry, just sad and sick to my stomach.

On those days, if H asks what is wrong, I don't tell him that I am stuck in memories of what he did wrong. It may not be radical honesty, but I think that it is the right choice. I know that saying what was really going on is not the same thing as throwing it in his face in an argument (something I have managed to avoid all the time except in the first two months after D-day). But still it would drag him through all those awful feelings on a day when he might not be stuck there. So what would I gain with two of us stuck back in old, ugly history? Life is much better. We are in the process of building the life we want, the life we dreamed of.

Maybe the best answer is just something like "I am just blue, no special reason, but I sure could use some hugs and kind words from you." I don't poison him with the ugly thoughts in my head. I don't force him to apologize for the 4,000th time for his affair, but yet I get comfort that I need at that time.

Just thinking out loud,
MJ

{{Mary Jane)) I know how your feeling I've been there.

Tee

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</small>

Hi MaryJane

I agree.

At the moment I do tell H that I am thinking about the a he had and its consequences and this is not helping much! Like you said it does bring him down too and then causes more upset meaning we both miss out on the hugs and reassurance.

Your suggestion of feeling blue and needing those hugs is a good one. Thank you I will give it a go!

I have also read some of your posts and your h and my h sound similar in their perception of things.

Good times ahead I hope for all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugs

Jo

mj,,,,, thank you for posting this topic. i was considering applying to the private site to post on this same subject.

even though i am a bh i have been wrestling with something that hits right along this line. there are days that i just feel down. not a real depression but just not right. fh often asks what's wrong and i just tell her i don't feel right. i kind of insinuate that it has to do with my health.

that is probably npot good either as it surely causes har to worry about that. yet i feel if i told her what was really bothering me it would only cause her to feel guilt and depressed.

it is as you said not an anger and has nothing to do with om and his visitation.

i just feel that it is going to take more time. i had a friend whose w had an A also (no oc). he told me at the start that it took him nearly 9 years to put it behind him.

well today is a good one. if you live in the wacky state of ca, don't forget to cast your ballot or we may end up with some porn star as our governor.

MJ,
I get a little off somedays and my H just looks at me and does the sound of a horse, you know that sound? ha ha ha ....

The first time I asked him what is THAT? He said it's Trigger, the horse and I feel like somthing today triggered you.

Well, I laugh and try to say no, but he asks me what it was. I tell him. We talk about it briefly and he tells me how he appreciates what I went through when he didn't deserve the consideration.

That he loves me and would be so lost without me.

When the A was going on how bad he was feeling and guilt would sweep over him and put him in a sour mood, then he'd feel so guilty that I did nothing wrong but he didn't want to tell me because he thought for sure I'd leave him.

Anyway, that's how we handle it. It always ends with a kiss and the frightening memory of 3 years ago and we always say how glad we are to have one another.

He always says I'm now his best friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I guess I luck out in the understanding department, huh?

Hey, pops, c'mon over to the private board! Love to see you post there, especially when you guys get that porn star for governor!!!! YIKEES!!!

love
Debi

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

MJ,

I think honesty here more than anywhere is best. You saw in some of the later posts how a few handle it.

I also posted here to propose my CA slate.

Arnold for Gov
Angelina for Lt. Gov.

I mean CA is the entertainment capital of the world and we might as well have TWO movie stars Sacramento.
Allbeit a porn star and THE TERMINATOR. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God you just gotta love this state. Now if all of this were in Texas I would be encouraging you all to vote early and often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> in the great LBJ tradition.

But, here in CA we are more refined, we let anyone from any country vote, just not anyone from another state. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Must go and get some work done so I can see WHO or WHAT is running this state. The good news is it cannot get worse.

By the way for those not in CA, you should have seen the ballot. 134?? names NOT in alphabetical order. Never seen anything like it and they are worried about the punch ballots. Most people will fall asleep trying to find the candidate they want. WE DO HAVE SOME CHOICES. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

jl,,,, wasn't that ballot something? i mean ours were printed on an 18" x 24" sheet of paper with a color in the box of your choice (like an sat test). only 4 areas to vote on , the recall, two initiatives, and of course the approximately 150 plus governor candidates.

not only would you be voting early and often in texas but also trying to choose between willie nelson and merle hagard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pops,

Merle live in CA, so no Merle on the TX ballot. Willie and Waylon that would have been a ticket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Our ballot was pretty much the same as yours, probably identical since we only had the two props and the Gov. deal.

I thought some of the post election analysis was interesting. Someone finally pointed out, this was not about the Repubs being after Davis. It was about an overall dissatisfaction with how this state is run and how special interest groups have managed to buy the governor and the legislator. Some even offered the opinion that it was a wake up call for the legislature that people are far more interested in their schools, roads, etc, than they are guy rights, or illegal aliens being granted drivers licenses.

Perhaps someone is finally waking up. Who knows?

But, I still think the Terminator and the Porn Queen would have made a very entertaining Gov and Lt. Gov. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

These people are much use for anything else they might as well be entertaining.

Hope you got to vote early and often. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

JL

Hi Mary Janes:

Just peeked in to offer a shoulder squeeze and a little possible insight.

I found that when Bipolar behaved badly after I thought we were into full-fledged recovery, I would revisit the A and OC situation and become angry and resentful about it all over again. For me, I realized that when I was pissed and disappointed in something he did, something he said (it had to be pretty bad) instead of addressing the problem at large, my recovery would regress as well as a symptom of his actions.

We have been blessed with a near flawless recovery since June 2002 and as a result, I never revisit the A anymore and find I have interest in and compassion for the OC. But he had to give something back to me before I could open my heart any further. You, on the other hand are lucky (and especially Mr. J) because you were able to open your heart almost immediately.

I think when the Betrayed is the one who seems to do most of the recovery work in the first couple years, dealing with the Wayward's seemingly "fragile" state (shock, remorse, whatever), after a while we protest and want something back after all we ahve been through and before we can be generous again in any way.

When the well runs dry, someone has to replenish and there comes a time when we expect the recipient of forgiveness to give back and when they don't, we end up mulling over old garbage.

It's just a thought, Mary Janes. I know this is what happened to me.

Storming the heavens

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>