I haven't posted in a while, although I am still very much an active reader on this site.
I realize that the attitude on this site is VERY anti-OW...and unfortunately that is what I am. An x-OW anyway. (Which brings up something that bothers me..... I am SO MUCH more than a person who has had an affair, and I pretty much hate the labels we use here although I somewhat understand why they're necessary.)

My husband and I have been working very hard on rebuilding our marriage. We separated for around 4 months when I told him I was pregnant, but he moved back home when we thought we were making progress. I think we both started appreaciating how good of a friendship we had, and how much we really needed each other.

He had come to me and said he wanted to remain married. Which is something that I wanted too. That he wanted this baby to be a part of our family. He was even willing to be a father to the baby. (If you've read some of my other posts you know that he was hesitant to claim this baby as legally his and part of our agreement was that the biological father will be financially responsible)

Well, the baby was born on Sunday. He was a bit premature so he has been in the neonatal intensive care unit all week (he was discharged tonight). Since the baby was in NICU I spent a lot of time there (not to mention that since I had a c-section I was in the hospital from sun-thurs anyway).

My husband is very angry about the time I've spent with the baby. He is very edgy and tense and is angry when I smile at the baby or act happy that the baby is home. I love this baby just as much as I love my other sons and I am happy he's here. I'm not saying the situation he was conceived in was ideal, but that certainly was not the baby's fault and I've never felt anything but love for him.

I don't know what my husband wants me to do. Does he want me to hate this child? Resent this child? I just don't know. This is a very scary time, and I don't want to make a wrong move.

Help.

e.

Your H now has to face the reality of something that was heretofore theoretical, raising another mans child, sharing you not with his children, but with someone elses child...these are big deals. Despite his professed willingness to remain married under these circumstances (as opposed to say giving the child up for adoption, or back to the bio-father), one cannot actually know until they are faced with the reality. There is not much you can do but be patient, assure him of your desire to remain married because you want HIM (be sure this is true). Counselling is always helpful, but mostly this will take some time to accept. Ask a counsellor, but I suspect it is good to continue to communicate with him about his feelings during this time.

No need to feel bad about being a caring mother, but it could be that your H, seeing you with the baby, has some triggers that bring back your A to him and the anger associated with it. If your H is truly a man that loves children, he will eventually see that this baby is totally innocent of how he came into this world, and he will bond with it. Try to empathize with his feelings and he just might respond positively.

e29,

The first thing I want to address is this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I realize that the attitude on this site is VERY anti-OW...and unfortunately that is what I am. An x-OW anyway. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not only are the an xOW but you are also a WW! This site is for those who are working on repairing a M after and A resulted in a child!(and those who truly wish to help those in this situation!) I know that I have said many times that I would email you, but have had life take over many times! I have often wondered how you were doing, and would pray for you! Please, don't feel as if you don't belong here, because if you don't then I shouldn't be here either!

Anyway, now to the problem at hand. I think that one of the biggest differences between your sit. and mine is that you and your H were seperated for 4 months! He didn't have that time with you to work on repairing your M, which would have been the BEST time to do so! How long has he been back home? How much were you both able to work on the M before your baby arrived?

The first few weeks were fairly tense when Abbi was born, but we got over that, and now, she's just as important to him as our other children! You and the baby have only been home a VERY short time, and with the baby being a little bit premature, your H probably wasn't fully prepared for it all!

Seek counseling, and encourage your H to post here! If you are both wanting to save this marriage, it's gonna take a lot of work, but it can be done!

If you have anything specific, please let me know, either here or in email if you still have my addy. I'll help in any way that I can!

Love,

Tigger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by e29:

I realize that the attitude on this site is VERY anti-OW..

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The "attitude" on this site is very PRO-MARRIAGE ..... how about that?

Things (infidelity) or persons (OP or anyone else) who hurts MARRIAGES is what "we" are against.

Just so you know .....

If YOU are pro-marriage .... and building a healthy marriage .... you are NOT anything "we" are against.

Pep

e29,,,, hi and congradulations on the birth of your son. i hope since you mentioned nicu that all are healthy and fine now.

i don't tink that ow's are not welcome here. in fact i think quite the opposite is true. but i do think that if an ow comes here to berate bs's then they are not welcome. just as i would be mad if my om came here and wrote that i was some kind of buthead for trying to save my marriage.

i can tell you from first hand experience that your h is going through the hardest thing he will ever have to face in his life. some MEN in his position go through the trials he is facing at different times. prior to delivery or post delivery. but we all went through it.

he is struggling with some very personal issues right now as far as his male ego or selfworth or reality shock or all three.

graces birth (my oc) was by far the hardest thing for me to deal with. nothing could or will ever match it. it brought with it al the anger of a discovery of an A. also her i was videoing MY w delivering another man's child. i felt that i was worthless and not even a man to stand for that for a second (ego). what kind of MAN will everyone else think i am to allow my w to have om's baby (macho ego). how can i look at this baby and not see my w with om?

i never knew that a heart could hurt so much for something that was the happiest day of my life 7 times prior. i have said it before that the air in the delivery room was gloomy at best. drs and nurses most have thought that they had ended a life not brought one into the world the way we acted.

and last but not least i saw her birth as the end of my family. i had no idea that i could get through it and believed with all my heart at that time that fh and i were doomed.

well i am typing this and grace is sitting next to me on the floor playing with her bro and sis cd's that they forgot to put away. i can't imagine life without her and if there is one thing in this world i could change it would be the cloud that i hung over her birth. i would bring the sun right into the room now if i could nad hold her up for the world to see like in the lion king.

this transformation didn't happen over night though. it took me a couple of weeks.it just kept creeping in slowly. my other kids were a very big part of it as i am sure your other 2 boys will be for your h.

right now he is probably blaming that littel bowling ball (by the way did he have any hair?) for all this mess. have patience, compassion and try to have empathy for where he is.

someone else said that it has just become real to him. this is so true even though he watched during your pregnancy knowing full well the outcome, there are always evil thoughts in the back of your head that it will go away (adoption, evn ugly things such as misscariage seem a ray of hope in a mans mind during these confusing time) please don't think that i am suggeting that that a misscarriage would be a blessing by any means. it is just that your h was looking for ANY way out of his nightmare.

again give him time and i am sure he will come around.

one more thing. fh felt the same way you do almost quilty for loving her child. i feel quilty now for causing that misery for her. enjoy your child, love as you should and be aptient with your h.

if he doesn't come around it wasn't in his heart.

e29,
I hoped pops would tell it like it may well be and he did.

I have nothing to add except prayers in both of your recovery,sincerely.

love
Debi

What counseling have you had? What have you done to prove to your husband that you are commited to him?

When have you focused totally on your husband and the damage and hurt the affair has caused? How have you made amends to him? I don't see how you could expect your husband to be even remotely thrilled that his wife just gave birth to another mans child. That would be a huge trigger and reminder. Others here, who have lived through it have given you some great advice. While I hope your child is healthy and thrives, I also wish that for your husband, yourself, your family and your marriage. Your husband, and your children were as innocent as the new baby you are holding.

He is not in a place right now where he is going to be thrilled and happy that OC has been born. From other men on here, who are raising OC, they all say it takes time. Give him that. Focus on him. You talk about the innocent baby. How are your other children feeling about this? Do they know it is not their fathers baby? Are they aware of why dad is a bit angry right now? Are you allowing your husband to be the "crabby dad" and not telling them the truth as to why dad is crabby or upset? There are alot of dymanics going on in your house right now. You see the baby and his "innocence" and have the excitement of a new born babe. But, this child is also the result of destructive act to your family. You need to be fully aware of the feelings of your husband and your other children.

It takes time. It takes counseling. But most of all, you have to put your husband first.

I don't think you can be going after financial support from the OM and rebuild your marriage too. It's going to be too rough for your husband to deal with that kind of constant contact in his marriage. Let him claim the child as his and let the healing begin.

just wanted to add that i felt similar feelings about our kids when we first got custody. my husband would ooh and aah over their every little move and i felt like rolling my eyes. i felt affronted by his love for them. to me it was as if he was glorifying his affair. i heard him saying that it had nothing to do with their mother, but i hurt just the same.

it took me developing a relationship with them before i even felt better. i knew it wasn't about the kids or even about ow, but about me. i was still hurting and i imagined that his joy with these kids was stolen from me. little did i know that a heart can hold a lot of love for little kids and spouse too. they are not exclusive.

my husband saw my pain and he exaggerated it for a long long long time which made it worse. he would tell others that i didn't want the kids. i was doing the best i could for them in every way i knew and trying to be a nice loving mommy too in actions. but because i was struggling with my feelings, my husband held it against me. that made it worse.

please give your husband a chance to hurt. but remind him that this love for baby has ZERO to do with om. and tell him repeatedly how much you love him. and help him to have some one on one time with baby too- without you. that helped my attitude more than anything.

another thing that DEFINITELY made our time together easier is that we had NO CONTACT with ow. yes, we are raising the oc, but their mother has not spoken to us or them in any way at all in two years.

our life still stinks due to my husband's sexual addiction, but the kids are no longer the issue.

One more thing. The warm,loving, fuzzy memories of bringing children into the marriage is not here at this time. It is shrouded in doubt, hurt, anger and humiliation. Far different then the excitement, and warm fuzzies of a much wanted child born within the marriage. You, as the mother (boy right?) are feeling those warm feelings for the baby boy and obviously are having a hard time with the reaction of your husband.

Please, for your the sake of everyone, take the time and let him know how much you love him. How sorry you are, really and truly, from the bottom of your heart let him know. There were days after oc was born where I would say "no more"and start making plans to leave. This oc was not even part of our home. I can't imagine what he is going through right now. Be aware of that. This truly is about him and you and your marriage. Children grow and go. If you want this marriage, do not put it on the backburner, cause I gurantee you, he is simmering already. You have to be very very kind and loving to him, even when he is angry.

I do have one question. You say he wanted this child, are you sure? Think about the conversations. Did he really want to raise this baby or did you make the decision to keep the child? Think to those conversations and try to gleem what he really feels.

Kayla

Are you saying that the ONLY possible way to save a marriage is to NOT ALLOW CONTACT OF ANY MEANS between OM and child??? What if OM knows of child and WANTS to support/interract with the child?

Just curious

Kayla

Are you saying that the ONLY possible way to save a marriage is to NOT ALLOW CONTACT OF ANY MEANS between OM and child??? What if OM knows of child and WANTS to support/interract with the child? And what does this do to child once he does figures it out??????

Just curious

MODoings...

I shouldn't butt in and speak for Kayla but, yes, it is advised that if your husband desires no contact in any way shape or form with OM on any level, then it is important that you acquiesce to these wishes and eliminate this OM from your life and that of your child for the sake of your marriage, your spouse, your child and your family. What OM desires is of no importance to your family dynamics, if your husband wishes to raise this child as his own.

You are a lucky girl to have such a devoted husband willing to do this amazingly generous thing for your and your child. The OM has absolutely nothing to do with anyone or anything in your family. All he did was contribute to the conception, which a petrie dish can do...not such a big deal. The BIG DEAL is the love and care a child receives from his/her family throughout his/her life. There is too much importance placed on "blood" connections when what really matters is how much this child is loved and cared for and lives in a household where two parents love him/her and provide a stable and happy home.

The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is when nothing is done without the enthusiastic approval by both parties within the marriage on every issue of life altering importance. Contact with the OM is the most important issues where you must incorporate the POJA.

What the OM wants or needs or desires should be of no consequence and warrants no consideration unless your husband is generous enough to tolerate the OM's intrusivenss into your family.

It should be your husband's call, but no decision should be made on this until you have had several months of recovery...these first few months should be exclusive to you and your spouse and your baby for now for healing, bonding and recovery. No contact with OM means absolutely no contact on any level for any reason without consulting your spouse first.

Catnip =^^=

PS If you and your husband lavish love on this child and create a wondeful home, years from now the truth of his/her conception might not have the disaterous impact you expect...in fact, this child could very well be grateful for the devotion he/she received from your husband and will not be overly concerned about bio-dad. Ask Mary Janes about this.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Dear e,

So good to hear from you again. Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy! I'm glad to hear he is doing well. It must've been very difficult on everyone w/ baby being pre-mature and needing special care.

Good to see pops posted to you, because I was thinking of his story while reading your post. His beginnings w/ Grace seem similar to what your H is going through. I think it's very normal and to be expected. I can't recall in which thread pops posted this, but it was last week sometime...the story of when FH was in the shower one day, and he picked up Grace who was crying and consoled her... If you didn't read it, it's worth going back and looking for it, it was a very touching post. It will give you much hope.

As far as these questions:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what my husband wants me to do. Does he want me to hate this child? Resent this child? I just don't know. This is a very scary time, and I don't want to make a wrong move.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask him, talk to him, keep all lines of communication open with him.

He came back home saying he wanted the M, wanted the OC to be part of the family, and willing to raise him. Saying those things are the easy part for each of you. The work comes after, as you're finding out. You need to let him know he is #1 with you by making him feel safe.

Let him know that he and your marriage come before all else.

I understand it's difficult, as an infant is totally dependent on others, (namely his mother) and that it can be very draining, but still find ways to be with your H one on one and show him your love for him.

To point to pops one more time, I believe he mentioned how much more time FH and him spend together than pre-A, even if it's doing mundane things...they do them. I've begun doing that with my H too, it's amazing how the time begins to add up where we are alone together, even if it's running errands. I know with a newborn around, it's very difficult spending more time together. I've found we have to simplify the things we do here lately, but we still try to do them TOGETHER.

Oh, also...is your H sure he wants the x-om to be financially responsible for OC? I totally understand this, but agree with the others who say it is much better for the M, to have NC with the x-op. I offered to my H on d-day to seek CS from x-om, he was and still is totally against it. He says supporting OC is completely worth NC w/ x-om. He is in a position to do so though, so I understand situations where that is not so possible. It's just that I strongly urge NC, even if it equals NO CS.

Praying for your family.

Take good care.
~aut

Butting in on Catnip's "butt~in" to say:

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> AMEN CATNIP!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Couldn't have said it better!!

Take good care.
~aut

However Mydoing,

Pop's OM does pay CS and does have contact with the child. It does seem to make it more difficult sociologically. But, financial and even health situations may make the presence of OM and CS necessary.

The great worry is that the affair will start up again. In addition there is a social phenomena when there are three people involved in a task or situation. Often two of the three endup pushing the third one out. People do pick sides and this is an emotionally delicate situation, so the fewer people juggling things the better.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by catnip:
<strong>MODoings...

I shouldn't butt in and speak for Kayla but, yes, it is advised that if your husband desires no contact in any way shape or form with OM on any level, then it is important that you acquiesce to these wishes and eliminate this OM from your life and that of your child for the sake of your marriage, your spouse, your child and your family. What OM desires is of no importance to your family dynamics, if your husband wishes to raise this child as his own.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I agree that cutting the OM out may be best for the marriage, and maybe for the child (then again, maybe not) I wonder if you can do that legally? By that I mean, if the OM is insistant on visitation, to the point that he goes to court to get it, how can you cut him out? So to a certain extent, I think what the OM desires may have an impact on the family dynamics.
Michael

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if the OM is insistant on visitation, to the point that he goes to court to get it, how can you cut him out </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess it depends on where you live. My H insisted on being on the birth certificate as the father for the kids. X-MM took me to court to get rights. He even had a letter with my signature stating that he was the father. But as the law goes, a child conceived and born in a marriage is considered the husbands. So even if we did have a DNA test proving without a doubt that the kids were MM, he still would have lost.

e29,,,,,,,,, i just wanted to say what many have already said but feel that it can not be stressed enough.

tell your h that you love him and that you are sorry for the pain that you brought into all of your lives. OVER ans OVER and OVER. right now you can't say it enough. continuelly assure him that the your love for the baby has nothing to do with om. that is also part of how i felt. when i saw fh holding grace it was like she was holding onto om in those early weeks. remember that as far as your relationship goes you really have to concentrate on meeting his en's.

tend tenderly to your son but please be careful not to over do it as i think it was aimee's h did. don't force the baby on your h let him come around on his own. he has to find something to bond with the baby as there is no natural bond at this time.

and even when your h comes around and accepts your son as his there are still going to be times when it is hard for him. there are still times when i am playing with grace and as i look at her giggleing away i try and see something in her appearance that says she is mine biologically. and there never will be.

as far as the cs issue goes. that will depend on the type of person your h is as to whether it can work or not. i went with cs and allowing the om visitstion. i had several reasons including facing responsibility and my age and stage in life. there are definately some draw backs such as you will most likely have to involve the courts. this is best for all parties. also your h will have to be of the nature that there will be the need for some contact in some way. even if very minor. if that is the case please take this advice to heart. keep all conversations with om stickly about the oc. and please make sure that they stay in a strickly BUSINESS manor. NO discussions of did you know how cute little billy was when he blows bubbles. your h will see this as you and om having a separate family together. you will discover those things with your family and om will do the same with his. there is no need to compare notes about anything other then health and caring issues such as bottles and bedtime ruetines.

you don't have to be rude just business like. even offer that your h in the one to handle all contact with om if he (h) wishes to do so.

if your h wants to talk to someone who has walked in his shoes just have him contact me. if he doesn't want to do it here for all eyes to see he is more then welcome to e-mail me. just let me know.

hope all are finding some peace somehow, pops