We have been married for almost 11 years with 2 beautifull children. I knew that something was not right a long time ago, but denyed it completely! He has seen so many people (close friends, family) who suffered from affairs and was so against it! So I thought no way!!!! Even though I really knew. A month ago he can to me and told me he was having an affair with a woman he was working with (I knew her). And she was pregnet! She's also married with a 2 year old. I felt stupid for not wanting to see the signs. We are trying to work things out, but he still loves her. He tells me he feels used and that he thinks that she only wanted him for sex. He said she wanted a baby but her husband didnt. There is so much more behind all of this of course. But I dont know what to feel about the baby or what to do. He dont know what to tell me. I think that he would still be with her if she would not have broke it off. I feel like left overs to him. And he says the sex was so wonderfull, after I asked him. He says he wants to be completely honest with everything. Can anyone help me with this. It is like a soap oprea! Our kids know something is going on! How can I explain it to them that their daddy is having a baby without mommy?

1. Call around and find yourself a good divorce attorney. Get paperwork in motion that legally separates you, so you can get child support for your child first. This is of the utmost of importance. No reason for your child to be short changed here. This is a must no matter what you decided to do as far as your marriage is concerned. A laywer will lead you through all the steps.

2. Do NOT allow the OW and her child any thought as you think out what YOU want. If you choose to stay married and don't think you want contact with the child let this be known. If you choose contact with the child, let this be known. Guess what? You do not ever have to see or even talk to the OW about this OC. Even if you and H decide upon contact. I had a post on here a while back that riled up the OW who read here. It was titled "The OW feelings do not matter" And I stand by it. What she wants, needs, etc. of of no importance to you. Do not give her one minute of your time.

3. Do what you want and need, but protect you and your child first and foremost. You H will be rudely awoken when he sees separation papers infront of him. Reality will hit him hard. But it is necessary to protect as much assets for your child. You need to be strong and fight for the financial well being of your family. It is to easy to slide down into despair and let the situation control you. Don' t do it. Be proactive and get out and get things legally set up, so that no matter what happens you will be ok.

DAW,
Same thing happened to me. Ow was married w/children too.

LynnG has great advice to follow do it now! Do not worry about what your H thinks as he's in a complete fog about everything right now.

I didn't get a lawyer until I went through plan B and wished I'd done it sooner as it really did shake my H up.

As far as you go, you will be feeling such huge emotions and it will be a painful thing to deal with. Get some kind of guidance through your church or right here through Marriage Builders Counseling Center.

Do not explain to your two year old. No need to do that now.

Your emotions will be like a rollercoaster and that is completely normal.

Do start plan A which others may be able to come here and give you a link to. If not, navigate this site when you get time as there is fabulous information to be found.

I want you to let us know how you are.

Call every family lawyer you can and do tell what is going on and what you'd like to do right away!

Confide in a frien or family member but do not allow them to tell you what you should do. You must decide if you love your H and want things to work out.

LynnG is right.

The ow's feelings do not matter to you. Your family is what you need to protect immediately.

Prayers to you.

love
Debi

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

I am new here but can, unfortuneately, relate. You have to, have to, have to, HAVE TO do what the first replyer suggested. YOu have to set up some child support for your children first, whether you decide to stay together or not. This is why, if that OW ever decides she wants some child support (and they usually do) if you do not have something set up, your children will only be entitled to the "left overs". She will get paid first and it will most likely be discretionary of the court whether or not they even want to consider your children's welfare or support needed. YOU need to get your support ordered first then if she ever decides to sue she will only be entitled to a % of your husbands income AFTER what is left after your children get their support.

My husband had a regrettable affair 7 years ago and she got pregnant. Said she didn't want him involved or anything else from him. Years later, changed her mind, got sued for child suppoort plus had to pay back for all the time she was on welfare with the child. According to "state guidelines", her child was/is entitled to 20% of my husbands income but our children, [2 and now 3 of them] were/are financially worth less than that since we are still married and NOT on public assistance! It was a great baby shower gift!!!!

This is in response to Lynn G & gemini 1 comments about seeking a good lawyer. I'm a bit confused when you say to find a good divorce attorney to file for seperation and child support before the OW does. After the OW files for CS and the courts gives her share of my h income, can I drop the seperation papers and be married again? My h has been lagging on talking with a lawyer so I think he does need a wake up call. If my marriage doesnt' work which it looks like it's not at least I'll have filed before the OW does. Let me know your thoughts on this.

Thanks.

DevastatedChris,
Yes, you can simply "drop" the case.

I saw a lawyer before CS was in place because my H was lying by omission, ow was calling at will, although H would hang up, ow was dropping off gifts to "daddy" in our mailbox, driving by our home shouting out her window, just a lot of things I couldn't take any longer.

My reason for seeing a lawyer was to actually file for divorce as I was fed up.

My lawyer got it all into place and then advised me to stick around for a while to see if things calmed down and they eventually did.

My H was "scared" of ow too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> They just aren't thinking straight and any lawyer can help with your questions.... it's just seeing if your H will heed the advice. If your H won't go, then you can do it alone.

My H would be afraid to "stir her up" when I wanted to press harrassment charges. I do believe it's still the fog because in reality now, he'd never put up with anything like that again.

Good luck and prayers,
Debi

Each state is different, which is why you need an attorney. But you are not divorcing your husband. You are filing for a legal separation. Which entitles you to child support and alimony if necessary. What you are doing is protecting marital assets for your family. It assures that your children are provided for, as they should be. You do not drop it. If you drop it, the OW can come back and try for more. And believe me, they do.

They seem to think that the oc is far more important then any child you have in the marriage. They seem to think that since they have your H DNA, that your children and your family should all include oc in every aspect of your life. They assume that everyone will be so happy and thrilled to meet the oc. Not true. H parents were appalled at how many times OW contacted them for an obvious "handout" This is where your attorney will help you. They can see to it that your finances are protected. They can also clearly state that the OW is NOT to contact any member of the family, etc. That all contact go through attorneys and that we were choosing no contact with the oc. Once that is in place, go and live your lives. Ignore her.

Another reason for an attorney, as the years go by, your family income can increase. By having a good attorney, you can have increases set up in such a way as to protect them from being income to your husband, thereby avoiding having more family finances taken from your family. We have a consulting firm, that all $ over and above a certain amount are billed to. OW can't touch them as the firm is owned by my sister and I. We also have a dollars put into retirement, instead of income. Nobody can touch a retirement account. Things like that.

But as far as the legal separation goes, you have to keep it in place to protect famiy assets.

I posted this in the past, but will do so again. Our oc has just turned 16, so we have lived it all. These ow will be spending the next 18 years quiet for a while, then they will become enraged when your children get things, or when they learn that you went on a family trip, or when you get a new car or who knows, they will suddenly start whining for more money for this or that. They, out of the blue will try to contact other family members, so certain that they would like to be updated on oc. This is where you need the OFP from their harrasment. My inlaws are quite wealthy, she assumes that oc will be left something. She has been fined, spent time in jail, etc for every now and then contacting members of our family. A good attorney will protect you so you can enjoy your life.

Our most recent, annual OW drama was her actually thinking that we should hire oc so he could learn the family business??????? Ah, no. He will never work there, nor will be be getting any part of the company upon our demise. Hence the good attorney. He may have my H DNA, and by law, we are paying CS, but that is the extent of our legal obligation. Inlaws have already divided up their estate, partially due to OW and her assumptions.

A good laywer will protect all of you. Another thing they protect. If the OW should die,what happens to OC? The ow needs to understand that the law works both ways. It will also protect her child if something were to happen to her.

Get the laywer, sit down and discuss everything. Not only the early days, DNA tests, etc. But the future. What about raises and how you can legally protect them. Legal being the operatiave word. You can't hide income, you have to re-define it. It is legal. Some will cry foul and say you are ripping off an innocent child, that child is not my problem. My children come first and foremost and I used every legal means necessary to protect them.

Just as OW say that you, the W are not their problem, the OW and her oc are not to be your concern. Protect your children and family first. Then move on and live your life. Enjoy your family. Leave the details to the experts. You are talking 18-21 years of your life. Protect it with all you can. If you choose contact, so be it. But always do things legally. 21 years is a long time, a life time,if you will. Don't ever do anything on a handshake or you will get beat up by the real world.

Above all, go and live and love. Enjoy your life and your children. Have fun with friends and move on. You will heal from all of this. Your life will be all you hoped it would be. These early days may not feel like it, but you will survive.

Lynn, or anyone else who may know...
I am curious about this talk on inheritance. I've heard of cases where people would come out of the woodwork and claim a mistake was made in a will because they were left out...and that if there is someone who you want left out, you should leave them $1 so that they are included and cannot contest it. Is this something that might need to be done with OC?

Our will leaves oc $1.00. Clearly stating that at the time this was written, he was aware that oc existed and chooses not to leave anything to oc as oc has his own family.

Your attorney will advise you on how this should be written. Our inlaws did this also since ow is such a wacko with her assumptions that any monies or properties and it's division should include the oc.