I was on general dealing with another issue of my own. Now that that is pretty much over, here I am. The baby is about 6 months old. Says he is trying to lay groundwork to make a future R with OC possible. We just told our kids last night he was leaving. They were highly upset. H told them he was taking a trip but assured them he would come back. This did not help because they know we've been "discussing" this issue for awhile and they are scared he is not coming back. I'm pretty confident he will but I am also scared. The good news is he has agreed to counseling upon his return ( he refused after d-day). He says he just wants to take care of this issue with OC, hurry up and get back and get back to being a family and moving on.

Also just out of curiosity, what's up with the private forum? Why is it private and who can participate?

Oh, my Q. regarding this situation. How likely do you think it is that he can develop a real R with this baby? I know she wont be sending the child here for a good long time as I wouldn't either. The distance is sure to make this very hard to keep up not to mention emotionally on all parties involved. Anyone else dealing with a LD OC?

Thanks!

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: DIAMOND GIRL ]</small>

DG I hope you don't think that I'm stalking you but I just wanted to say that you'd be wise to consult with an attorney regarding CS and how it would affect you financially. The laws are different in each State and what may apply here in Arnoldnia (Terminator country <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) may not necessarily apply in Illinois.

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

No I still love my husband very much!!!

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 01:18 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

Diamond Girl,
I live in TX and we have an OC, my H's, in N. Carolina. She filed with N. Caro courts for child support.
Therefore one would guess since your Ow lives in TX she will file here. Look on on the internet for information. TX is common property state, but I don't think your income would be taken into account here, the judge will look at his income. You could also do what other people here have done, and file for child support for children NOW, and get that in place, then the amt for the OC is impacted and not necessarily as great, Then if you do divorce you will be covered already.
You must go see a lawyer now and get this started to protect your chldren. Because in this situation no one else will be sure they are taken care of. The OW certainly will not and more than likely your husband will not either.
A long distance relationship, in my opinion, is DIFFICULT. My H has an OC as I said in N. Carolina, before we moved to TX we lived in KY. He has never seen the OC who is now almost 10. We pay child support, but have never seen her. His choice, and I support it. I wonder now that she is older, if we might want to readdress the situation, but he doen't want to. Also, a lot depends on the OW, if she still has illusions of a future with your husband, she will try to use things to her advantage.
The bottom line is do what works for you and your marriage. It may mean putting the OC out of the picture until your marriage is on a good footing, then approach.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It is a very hard place to be. Your marriage can be recreated by the two of if you are willing to do the work.
Good luck
will keep an eye out for your posts.

The private forum is a safe arena for those in our precdicament. We have had OW come and post provacative things, sometimes hurtful things to BW's who advocate NC. Sometimes people have posted here just to provoke things, so members are screened. You have to email the moderators of the Board and agree to follow the rules.

Welcome to this Board, wish you weren't walking in these shoes. Others will post soon, but it may be Mon before they do.

TG

TMCM:

Hey, I didn't know you lived here, 2!? Hm... ...are you in any way responsible for our new "Governator?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-2long

DG,
Your H shouldn't be acting without you, without a Policy of Joint Agreement. Are you in plan A?

I'm so sorry he's dragging you and your kids through this--ugh.

I'm sure Dr. Harley is against m.m. spending time alone w/OW/OC. IF there is to be a relationship w/OC, OC's time ought to be spend w/your family or H alone, not more behind-wife's-back stuff w/OW!! But maybe you know all this? Does H? I realize you can't control your H. If H cannot understand you and he must become a united front, your marriage is in constant danger.

Has DNA testing been done?!

You REALLY should look up the state laws in OW's state re: ch-support!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Very important whether they include your income; and if OW files, will H be tagged w/BACK-support or just current---this is HUGE! Protect your family.

IMO, being a long-distance father is pretty difficult. I'm a 17y military wife, so I've seen lots of distance situations, legit and otherwise. We gave up on contact w/our distant OC after 2y of dealing w/insane custodial mother--both parties have to be acting very maturely and w/child in mind for this to work at all, then to add the travel/communication costs and lack of time for a long-distance child... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Again, this is my opinion, but I think it's MUCH better for the child to have a loving stepfather in the home if possible, and quit involving bio-dad when he can't act the roll required to do a good job.

We're open to answering any Q.s (medical or otherwise)H's OC may have, but we are too far (and XOW too angry) to have a positive impact on OC's life. That's reality.

I hope I answered some of your Qs. I hope your H gets into counseling w/you asap!!

Keep posting and take good care of yourself.
J, in recover 5y

PS If your H won't go, get counseling w/out him. Call the Harleys! I hear they're well worth it.

<small>[ October 18, 2003, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm seriously thinking of telling him when he comes back. Don't worry, I know I'll end up doing the right thing eventually! Thanks!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell him?

autumn, I think she's referring to telling her H he ought to consult a lawyer re:ch-support.

DG how are you and your kids doing?

<small>[ October 19, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Good morning all! It was a tough weekend for me.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 01:19 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

D.G.~

Have you told your H the truth yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Have I told him i love him? every day

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:

On a lighter note, I've spoken to H twice today (he's called). He says he is ready to come home now. He does want to come home now. He is happy to have gotten a chance to see the baby who he says is spitting image of our D. He says he will be sending CS to her (which he should). When I posted earlier I was worried he was not coming back because that's what I do best. Assume the worst. I do love my H and I really do want our family to stay in tact. I do believe we can weather this storm.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DG that IS great news.

While your H is out of town, why don't you take the opportunity to read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair','His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters', as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'. By the time he comes back home you will be armed with a very powerful set of tools that you can use to rebuild your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will continue to keep you all posted and TMCMan you will be in head for awhile (in an encourageing way of course). I still think you're signature phrase is one of the most beautiful phrases I've ever read!!! You're wife is a lucky woman!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah you are a sweet lady for saying that and I just want you to know that I do still tell my wife that phrase especially when I see her having some doubts about her own beauty. It is true, you ladies do underestimate how beautiful you are to us men.

You will not get repeat from me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was worried he was not coming back because that's what I do best. Assume the worst. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and I are a lot alike. I knew you were worried when you said you only ate 4 string cheese! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm glad you're feeling better, and things are looking a little brighter this evening. Perhaps your H got out of his system whatever he needed to get out for now anyway.

As far as the way to go about CS and contact or NC w/ OC you do NEED to listen to the BS on here. Many of them are extrememely knowledgeable on the subject, and will help guide you in the right direction.

I see you already know the wisdom of TMCM, listen to him...read the books he listed!! Also, print out the EN questionaire if you haven't already done so. In fact, print 2 copies right away, 1 for you, 1 for your H.

Continue to take care of your children, and yourself. How about add a Granny Smith apple and some wheat crackers to your cheese, that would be a little better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'll pray that things go well for you and your H when he gets back home. I think you are a stronger woman than you know.

Take good care.
~autumnday

DG we miss you, please tell us you and your kids are all right.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

(EDITED FOR DOUBLE POSTING- DOES THIS MEAN I'M A REGULAR NOW? HA HA)???

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

just an FYI...my xMM lives in IL and I live elsewhere....I had to file in IL to receive CS, and she will have to do the same, even if you have an agreement. I think the filing charges are about $300. If you need an attorney, I have a couple of referrals I could give you...pm me.

also...I commend you on your understanding towards OC. I wish it could be that way for my D.

Just a general Q -

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>