I need some advice... My h is living with the ow, and she is expecting a baby in jan. My h doesn't know if the babys his or not (although im sure it is)...

Heres the problem, our children.. In one way waiting untill after the paternity test is done would be good becouse if it's not his, then my children don't have to be put through any more emotional garbage..

But in another way i feel that they need time to absorb the fact that they may have a half sister coming in only a couple of months...

what's the right thing to do, i want them to be healthy individuals.. If I tell them now, then we would have to explain that there could be another father, and if my h and ow are to be together, i dont' want them to loose respect for ow...

any advise would help

thanks

How old are your children? Respect needs to be earned. They have every right to loose respect for her, what right does she have for them to have respect for her?

The ages of your children make a difference in what you say.

If your H is living with her, I am assuming you are in the divorce process? If they are old enough, I don't see why you can't tell them what is truly going on.

Why on earth would you give a damm if they respected this woman or not? That seems a bit odd to me.

My two older ones are 9,11, Im worried manly about them.. The others are 2,3,4, I dont' think they will feel the same about this whole situation, at least in the near future...

Well I know it's odd, i supose, i truley dispise the woman my self... But if my h and her end up marrying some day down the road, I would want them to have respect for her, as there step mom.. They dont' know of the affair, even though my h has been in and out of our home... They have been told about our upcoming devorice, and are already haveing a hard time dealing with that...

I suppose i just want the situation to be as best it can for the children..

maybe that's not possible, i want them to look at there dad the same as allways etc...

i really would apricate some sugestions about the questions asked though.

tuo,,,,,,, i don't see why it is your responsibility to tell your kids anything. that would fal on your h or soon to be xh.

you just need to explain to them that sometimes adults feelings change or whatever you tell them to why your h is now living with ow.

whether they have respect for him or her is then up to them.

it is his job to incorporate present children into his new family during his visitations if he gets any. not yours to bring oc into yours house.

THEUNBREAKABLEONE,
I AM SOO SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS. YOU HAVE HIT A SORE SUBJECT FOR ME. MY IDEALS ARE NOT VERY COMMON ON THIS SUBJECT AND I AM SORRY IF I SOUND HARSH BUT I WILL NOT TELL MY CHILDREN AND I DARE SOMEONE ELSE TO TRY. MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. NOW IF THE ow GAVE US THE oc TO RAISE THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT, I SAY THIS BECAUSE IT IS NOT THE CHILDS FAULT AND I KNOW THAT BUT HE IS NOT MY PROBLEM MY BOYS ARE AND I JUST DON'T THINK IT WILL MAKE THEM FEEL REAL GREAT TO KNOW THAT THEY HAVE A BROTHER IN THIS WORLD MAYBE I AM WRONG BUT AS FAR AS MY HOUSE MY CHILDREN WILL GOD WILLING NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS MESS AT ALL.
MY POINT IS YOU DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT. PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU WILL REGRET. AS PARENTS I FEEL WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT OUR CHILDREN DO NOT DEEM THESE ACTIONS AS NORMAL OR APPROPRIATE. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AND MAY GOD BLESS YOUR HEART WITH 5 BABIES TO TAKE CARE OF.
YOU JUST DO ALL YOU CAN AND LET HIM BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MESS HE HAS MADE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi,
I am so sorry you are faced with this terrible dilema, one which there is really no right or wrong way to handle, but has to be decided by individual circumstances. But I do totally agree with Bran's previous post. It is up to your soon-to-be ex H to tell your children about this OC, only IF the TWO OF YOU (no business of the OW what goes on with your existing family) decide that ANYONE needs to be told at all. Speaking from experience, I forced my husband to tell my then 16 year old son about the OC and looking back, I don't think it was a wise decision. We should have just kept it to ourselves and waited to see where it was going. At any rate, our son lost ALL respect for his father and said if it ended up causing us to get a divorce, he would NEVER speak to him again. And we also have a son who was 8 at the time - he has NO clue. And now we are still married and contact with the OC didn't end up working out, I am glad that he doesn't know and I hope and pray he NEVER knows, although we all know that things have a way of working their way out of the old skeletal closet someday. But I think at 8, he was way too young to comprehend the meaning of it all, the lack of morals involved in it all, what repurcussions it would have on the OC life and I now feel that somehow incorporating an OC into our family would have sent him a message that it was okay to do what his father did, even if it took him years to understand just what it took to produce this OC. Somedays I even feel like it sent the 16 year old the same message, although many people say he was old enough to understand that it just meant people make HUGE mistakes and can still be forgiven, both by God and people around them.

I do commend you for being worried about how your children will view the OW if she becomes their step-mother, but that is yet to happen, so please don't spend hours dwelling on that happening, because it may or may not. So please just concentrate on getting yourself together and being there for the children; sometimes things never turn out the way we want them to, the way we expect them to, just take one day at a time and come here often to vent or just ask opinions.

Take Care,

deltamoon

Hi there,
Gosh, I can understand you wanting your kids to honor their father, but when he behaves in such a dishonorable way, I think it is important for your kids to hear from you the truth of the situation.

Number one, that it's not their fault that their father left them (& he's acting like a jerk).

Number two, no sense in telling them about a 1/2 sibling if the tests prove that the baby is not even related to them.

Number three, that you love and adore them and will do your very best to see that they have an emotionally healthy life... which means you have to take good care of yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

May God be with you!

DM, the teen years are hard. Most sons are very protective of their mother. Some day, I am sure your 8 year old son will find out the truth. Maybe from his big brother.

Your sons will see the real strengh of your marriage through the years to come. You and your H are the examples. They will see that perseverance of love, respect, renewed trust, family, etc., are what count.

Give the 16 year old time. He will observe his father, and how he, now, treats you. Your H has to gain the respect of his son back. This happens by example, and time.

I am sorry for your pain, and hope things work out for you.

ember