I posted a while ago. My husband is now expecting a baby with another woman... We have 2 kids and have been married 8 years. When he sat me down to tell me, he told me that he wants to be with me and (obviously) he's made a big mistake. He has been a 'serial' cheater. This is the 3rd time in 3 yrs... He swears that this time has 'scared' him and he'll never do it again. He may not... I don't know.

Obviously.. all trust is gone.. we're now almost 5 months into this thing and are trying to work it out using the marriage builders info here... money is so tight.. we can barely afford to pay bills, let alone a counseling (even a cheap one) bill... we don't qualify for free counseling.

So.. I don't know what to do.. I flip flop and feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster. We've talked about starting over... relocating out of state, mostly due to job reasons. I feel like we're running from the situation too.

In the mean time, we're totally broke.. I've been out of work for medical reasons for almost 2 yrs... I've been looking and can't find anything anymore... the neverending battle. The baby is due at the end of the year and he is giving the OW money each month. I do expect him to live up to his financial responsibilities. He's agreed to no contact with her or the baby after it's born, yet she calls him several times a month. He's told me that he'll just "have no contact" instead of sitting down and telling her there should be no contact.

I know I may struggle, but of course would be fine if I chose to leave. But that's the problem... I can't make a decision...

We'll get 'going' and things will be very honest and go well, but then something comes up .. even when it's just the time of the month to send her a check and I get so damn resentful... it's a tough situation.

Any suggestions on how to deal and how to make a decision that I can live with?

Thanks,

Ona

You are still new to this situation, a situation that is extremely hard to cope with.
You have to decide if making your marriage work is what you want, both of you. then go thru the information here and use what you find.
In my opinion, No Contact is best until the marriage is on firm footing. That means the H has NC with OW. However, if the wife can deal with it, if the OW has problems she can contact the wife or a third party. Personally I don't understand why the OW needs to talk to WS while she is pregnant. Is she having medical problems? Is there information she needs while pg that concerns the child? If not, she needs to get on with her life, and let you and your H rebuild your relationship.
If he has been a serial cheater, he MUST stop. He may need help to solve that problem. But, for you to regain trust, he must prove he isn't going to cheat again. What causes him to cheat? If he can not answer that, he needs to find that answer.
The only obligation here is to the child. You owe the OW nothing. See a lawyer and draw legal boundaries, child support, visitation (whether you want it or not get it, you don't have to use it.), custody (our OC is full custody to mom. usually way it goes), holiday visits etc.
The only reason the OW should contact you is if medical problem.
Writing that CS check every month is a trigger, it brings back the pain you experienced when you learned of the A and the child. One way to eleminate that trigger is to set up an automatic payment thru your bank or salary. The amount of money is sent to her bank or the child support office of her county. This way the money is paid out automatically and you are not "slapped in the face" with it every month.
As time goes by, the trigger will lessen and your personal pain will lessen.
Good luck with resolving your problems. I hope your marriaga makes it. Everyone here will support you as you go thru this.

Take care,
Texasgirl, 10 survivor, my marriage is on track and racing down the road to much better things.

Thanks for your support. Everytime the OW calls him, it's for more money.. and "when are you coming to see me?" I asked him to be very clear about the no contact.. he doesn't think it will help... and is planning on just not going there and she'll get the message.

Obviously that won't work. I've asked him to clearly state to her that there will be no contact. period. we need to discuss it more.

As for me, I am really torn as to whether to even bother to stay. I feel so worn down by all of this and past problems. I'm a stay at home mom at the moment and have been looking unsuccessfully to find work. I feel as though I've been painted into a corner.

I love this man. In our new "total honesty" he told me that he was for a time miserable in our marriage and was set to ask for a divorce, but decided it was him, not me... so didn't pursue it. He also basically told me that he loves me and knows that he can't find a better wife, he doesn't know why he cheats and the main reason he's staying is basically this is as good as it gets. I'm trying so hard to do this.. I know counseling would help... but as I mentioned, I can't find any that we can afford.

For the moment, my decision is to stick it out, try to make it work and in the meantime, try to find a job so I can support myself & my kids if it comes to that.

I am so ready for this emotional rollercoaster to end. We'll go along and things are doing so well.. honestly, we're much closer now than we've ever been. This OW thing is driving me crazy though.. and there's a lot of deceipt going on on her part too. This woman has 5 kids already - from at least 3 different men.. is on welfare and I really think she thinks she's found the money train.

I am so tempted to file for divorce and child support for our kids and remove myself from all of this draining drama... but everytime I seriously consider it, I hesitate.

sigh

I appreciate the sounding board. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ona:
<strong>he is giving the OW money each month.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is he giving her money??

Many here have said that the OW shouldn't receive one penny, until DNA has been done.

I can't see why he is giving her money now...the child isn't even born so there should be no child support yet! If she is pregnant and has bills related to that then she should get half of that after DNA is established.

Wanna be mean...
Send to the welfare office copies of child support checks or some verification that you send her money REGULARLY. If it is regular, her benefits will be reduced. She should be telling them, but most people seem to conveniently forget when people give them cash.

I know, I know sometimes I just have a mean streak...

He's giving her money based on legal advice. The lawyer told him it would be more favorable if he's giving her a bit now.. keeping in mind if this kid isn't his (probably is) then he's out the money. Right now he's not giving her much.. .we can't afford it. She called and asked when he's going to buy all the baby supplies. He has agreed to have a sit down with her and have a 'come to jesus' type of talk. That will be the last contact until he and I decided TOGETHER that we can handle it. in the meantime, he'll mail checks and ignore any calls. ... anyway.. that's what we've agreed to... i'm concerned it may not happen as planned. we'll see. honestly, am feeling a bit better.

speaking of mean... i do feel mean. she's getting welfare and help from a local church.. i called the church and told them she's been lying to them (she has). now feel guilty that i did that... but it's done and i have to move past the negativity.

one of the last conversations he had with her (over the phone) she complained that he's not giving her enough money, not coming to see her. she threatened him by saying that she'll come to our house with her clergyman ... he told her to come with God if she wants.

I told him that's an obvious threat... she must think i don't know what's going on. our kids don't however, and we don't want them to until we think the time is right. i told him if she ever suggested that again, she will be dealing with ME.

I'll get a restraining order if i have to...

I decided to get strong.. fight for what I want. If he isn't willing to give it, then I'll move on. He's basically told me that he'll do whatever I ask. I do want him to be comfortable and not feel painted in a corner... I want to be in the same situation.

We'll see

well... he went and talked to her and told her about the no contact. He & I comprimised on that though... he wants to see the OC after it's born.. he asked to be able to see it once, then continue with the no contact....

I agreed only if we can go together. He said it was ok.

Does everyone think I'm nuts?

No ona, you are not crazy. You are absoultely conrrect. He should not be going alone.

I am having trouble understanding why it will look better if your H is paying her a little money now?
Per Legal advice, my H was told not to have any contact NOR to pay her a dime until after the DNA proved the child was his.
In our state, a man can be considered the father regardless of DNA because he assumes the responsiblity/role of Father by having contact with said child (acting in role of Father) or making child support payments prior to DNA results.

Get a 2nd opinion. Talk to MORE attorneys... don't just take the word of ONE.

I feel, feel, feel for you! I know how hard this is for you. I bet you are beginning to think you are or are about to go crazy because of how much of a rollercoaster you are on. Hang in there, even if it's one minute at a time. Protect yourself and your children by keeping track of EVERY dime you give her. Although, I don't know why you are giving her any $$$$. IF it is for the Dr., then just have the Dr. bill you, no need to give it to her. If she is on financial assistance your husband can be held liable to pay back every penny she is getting plus interest!

My husband and I survived this same situation by the grace of God. He even has joint custody of his daughter so we see her often..BUT...if we had known @ the beginning what a strain this would be on our marriage and family and how much the OW did not want this (only wanted the $$$) and what problems she would still try to cause, using this little girl, of course, we would have NEVER gotten involved and that is my position to any one else who ever encounters this situation. If we would have known, we would have just paid all the $$$ and be done with it!

I still want to move away and wish to never see that OW again. We pray that the need for this little girl not to be fatherless will be worth it.

thanks for your thoughts. it is hard. We're giving money on advice of a lawyer... Baby is due at the end of the year. The OW keeps calling my husband on his cell (as far as I know, he doesn't pick up when it's her). She wants him involved... basically she wants a husband and a father for this kid and her other 5. She keeps leaving him messages like 'how can you just leave me?" i've told him that this woman would have ended up being a problem whether she were pregnant or not...

I am speaking from experience when I know sometimes it's better not having contact... i never met my own biological father.

I know this woman is not responsible or really capable of taking care of another kid. At this point, we need to heal, but I have 'thought' of taking the OC into our house... under the right circumstances and very, very carefully. I don't know if that will be a possibility.. and I don't want the OW in our lives... I do feel sorry for the OC. The OW is using it to get money... and it turns out to stay in the country... just found out she's illegal.

I'm just waiting for this roller coaster to stop so I can get out, puke, and get back on...

sigh

The roller coaster ride continues....

Someone out there please tell me it will get better. I am checking again into low/no cost counseling options. At this point, the only way I can get into counseling I can actually afford is to lie about my income (which I don't want to do).

Any suggestions?

Why don't you use the $$$ you are sending her for counseling. You still have time before the OC is born right? Your H has no obligation to OW,so why give HER $$$. He can pay CS once child is born. She can get free health insurance jsut for being pregnant so why does she need $$$ from him? Where does it go? It would be better spent on counseling for YOUR marriage then who knows what she does with it!

Think about how much you are giving her, the basic/general guideline will be about %20 of his "net disposable income", is it more or less than that now?

The roller coaster will not end but it will slow down eventually. If he doesn't even want to see the OC but one time then start the NC now, change phone #, move away, whatever you have to do, get away from her!

Ona, why is the rollercoaster getting worse? What's going on? Do you attend church? If so, do they offer any counseling? Does your employer offer an EAP program? Have you done any of the questionnaires on this site?

Sending my best to you......

ona I scanned your post.

What lawyer told you to give ow money? Get another one!

Same thing happened to me and H....like I was reading our past history.

ALL CONTACT WITH OW MUST CEASE!!!

Forget about oc now...work on you two! If H won't do it then please read plan B and follow suit with your own lawyer!

Please read all you can from this site.

Blessings ona and prayers. Call your church to seek a free counsel session to see if you like it. Do not be embarrassed...do it!

love
Debi

Thanks to you all for your support.

First, he's not given her tons of money... less than $500 in total. This month we made the decision to stop giving her anything until paternity is established. Her calls to him continue on a semi-regular basis, but he's not picking them up. (I check his cell phone) In fact, he rarely turns his cell on anymore. I told him if it's to avoid her, we can easily change his number. He doesn't think it will be a problem again. Contact stopped with her about a month ago. The OC is due in December (we don't know when). Can only hope to God it's not on any birthdays or holidays! He did ask to be able to see OC once. I said yes, but only if I go too. He agreed and we are planning that when we do go, it will be made VERY clear to OW that ALL contact is OVER. PERIOD.

We are currently trying to relocate. He's put his resume out everywhere and we hope by the summer it will happen.

We don't go to a church that offers any counseling that I would take honestly... I've called around all over town and the cheapest I've been able to find is about $80/hr. Money is so tight for us (I'm out of work) that the little we were sending her is now being used to catch up on bills. Honestly if this thing goes through the court it will put us into bankrupcy.

Part of the rreason I'm so scared is because I am so dependent on him. He has told me many times that he'll do whatever I want (and so far, he has).. but there is something to be said for being able to support myself and my kids financially. I'm looking for work and can't even get a telemarketing job right now.

Honestly, things between the two of us have gotten so much better in the last month. We both have been going over materials on this site. We've been together about 12 yrs and I can say that the honesty level and respect is better than it has ever been before. He's finally starting to open up.

I just get overwhelmed by all of the possibilities and consequences of what he has done. I do believe that he sincerely regrets what he has done and that while I'm not POSITIVE that it will never happen again.. I think we're slowly but surely rebuilding trust. I really just wish this OW would just go away... sigh

I found out recently that she's in the country illegally, so having a child with a citizen will basically be her pass to stay here. From what I've seen, she uses the kids she already has and will use this one too.

The whole thing is just sad.