Hi everyone.

I haven't been on for a while. I quit my job and enrolled in college fulltime and been studying nonstop.

I just had a question (and an update related to it).

Question: I notice there are a few folks here that are affilliated with the military. Does anyone have an OC that lives overseas?

Update: My OC is in Germany and guess where we might be going in Jan? You guessed it...Germany! I haven't made a final decision whether I even want to go or not, (we have a choice) but if I do, this trip could make or break our relationship. This issue has been a thorn in my side even WITH the distance. Imagine what'll happen when we get there. I am SO not looking forward to this. And we'll be there for 3 years?! Pray for me folks!

Michelle

You are in my prayers.

You have some big decisions to make. How far are you and your husband in your recovery? has there been any contact? How old is OC? What does your husband want to do about this? Does he desire contact? Has he asked you what you want?

Catnip =^^=

michelle2003,
Go! Fight for your H and love him while doing planA

I live 2 minutes from ow/oc and things here are as smooth as silk....

love
Debi

michelle2003,

I'm praying!!

But while I'm praying, you two need to be TALKING! You say you have a choice, so now's the time to put into use your POJA!!!

Hey guys! Thanks so much for the prayers. Lord knows we need them right now.

Catnip: We are getting there when it comes to recovery. The most difficult part about the whole situation is that DH doesn't want to define what his role in his OC life will be. He pays child support, but also wants her to know who he is. There is limited contact. I wouldn't mind if there is consistent contact to and from between DH and OC, it's the contact with the OW that irks me. The few times he's had contact he abused it. All I asked of him was to have phone calls with me around. Not too much to ask is it? When he would talk to her (with me absent) the conversations obviously didn't stay on track. She's whine about how he ruined her life or he'd whine about his life with me. OC is 5 now- old enough to speak for herself, but whether I like it or not, OW and DH have to relate esp since OC doesn't speak English!! At this point he's having undeclared NC. He figures if they don't hear from him in a while, they'll "get the point" and move on. But on OW side, she assumes (and I'm assuming) that he wants contact but I'm hampering it. Of course that's what she'd think. There's no way DH would not want to keep in contact with them.

gemini1: Two minutes away?! You're lucky! Even if things went smoothly, that's still too close for comfort for us. Plan A...refresh my memory if you don't mind.

Nerlycrzy: Believe me when I say, I talk. I talk til I turn blue in the face. Not because I het a kick out of torturing myself with the emotions or memories, but because I want an end to the "not-knowing". Not knowing if he's going to want to visit when we get there. Not knowing if we need to worry about introducing her to our 3 kids. Maybe I shouldn't even worry about it. It's his mess right?

Well guys it's less than two months before he has to leave to go back overseas. Like I mentioned before, he's gotten orders to go right back there but we (the family) can't go right away. I even feel uneasy about the short seperation. I told him once we found out for sure that that's where we were going that things between us had to be worked out. Not eventually, like it always has been, because his thing is, why worry about it if its not an issue. Well guess what? It is now. The issue being how he's going to handle visitation if that's what he wants.

We got into a little bit of a heated argument last night. I asked him how he planned on handling visitation if it came up. He wasnt sure and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him I have my ideas which seem the most logical (go to pick OC up with me there ALWAYS), but in my mind, if he had to ask, there must be some alternative. What? Him go by himself? I think not. I didn't want to tell him what to do. It gets sticky though. One time, in a fit of rage I LB'ed and said some choice words about his child's existence. To be honest, I can't even remember what exactly. If it matters, let me know and I'll think about it. Instead of accepting my apology for what I said, he, in a moment of weakness and confusion (I still don't know) used one of those opportunities on the phone (when I wasn't around) to tell her what I said. It wasn't until months later that I found out he told her. And for that reason, he says that she said she never wants me within 10ft of OC. That's fine actually. I won't lose sleep if I don't ever see her. That's like one of you guys saying I can never be around your child. I don't know your child or need to so it's ok. It hurts to know you think I'm a bad person if you don't trust me around your child but that's your decision. And honestly I don't blame her. However, if she spends time with our family, I'd love to get to know her. And I'd treat her like any child that enters my home. But because of what WS did, (told her) it is now that much harder for him to see her. I told him that although I was totally wrong for what I said, we as a couple could've kept it between us. She hates me, yes. He "chose" me over her, whatever. But her opinion of me is irrelevant. He basically concluded that it would just be best for our marriage and his daughter's emotional well-being if he stayed away-for now. Don't get me wrong. When she gets old enough to see him on her own, she's more than welcome. It's her mom and my WS I have issues with. It may have been a LB to have suggested this too, but I told him, if we stayed behind (and let me finish school like I really want) then he could visit with her all day and night for all I care. We could have to formally seperate though if he went without me because I couldn't handle the threat of another potential affair looming over my head for another 2 years. Mind you, he got into this situation because I didn't go with him the first time. So how could we possibly do that again and expect to survive?

If no one responds to this post, it's ok. I actually feel great just letting all this out.

Well guys it's less than two months before he has to leave to go back overseas. Like I mentioned before, he's gotten orders to go right back there but we (the family) can't go right away. I even feel uneasy about the short seperation. I told him once we found out for sure that that's where we were going that things between us had to be worked out. Not eventually, like it always has been, because his thing is, why worry about it if its not an issue. Well guess what? It is now. The issue being how he's going to handle visitation if that's what he wants.

We got into a little bit of a heated argument last night. I asked him how he planned on handling visitation if it came up. He wasnt sure and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him I have my ideas which seem the most logical (go to pick OC up with me there ALWAYS), but in my mind, if he had to ask, there must be some alternative. What? Him go by himself? I think not. I didn't want to tell him what to do. It gets sticky though. One time, in a fit of rage I LB'ed and said some choice words about his child's existence. To be honest, I can't even remember what exactly. If it matters, let me know and I'll think about it. Instead of accepting my apology for what I said, he, in a moment of weakness and confusion (I still don't know) used one of those opportunities on the phone (when I wasn't around) to tell her what I said. It wasn't until months later that I found out he told her. And for that reason, he says that she said she never wants me within 10ft of OC. That's fine actually. I won't lose sleep if I don't ever see her. That's like one of you guys saying I can never be around your child. I don't know your child or need to so it's ok. It hurts to know you think I'm a bad person if you don't trust me around your child but that's your decision. And honestly I don't blame her. However, if she spends time with our family, I'd love to get to know her. And I'd treat her like any child that enters my home. But because of what WS did, (told her) it is now that much harder for him to see her. I told him that although I was totally wrong for what I said, we as a couple could've kept it between us. She hates me, yes. He "chose" me over her, whatever. But her opinion of me is irrelevant. He basically concluded that it would just be best for our marriage and his daughter's emotional well-being if he stayed away-for now. Don't get me wrong. When she gets old enough to see him on her own, she's more than welcome. It's her mom and my WS I have issues with. It may have been a LB to have suggested this too, but I told him, if we stayed behind (and let me finish school like I really want) then he could visit with her all day and night for all I care. We could have to formally seperate though if he went without me because I couldn't handle the threat of another potential affair looming over my head for another 2 years. Mind you, he got into this situation because I didn't go with him the first time. So how could we possibly do that again and expect to survive?

If no one responds to this post, it's ok. I actually feel great just letting all this out.