We have been through this before. Yes, and we have kids to show for it. But because of the kids I never had a lot of real feelings associated with dday. It was mostly about what is the right thing to do for these abused kids with my husband's dna. Plus we did the whole 11 month process without an attorney. And then after we were surprised with custody, it was about wham... having babies in the house. I guess it was also a bit easier too because the mother was someone he had known outside of our marriage and of course the fact that she abandoned the kids to us made life much simpler. Anyway, this time is different. Maybe we are going through things that other couples do, but I'm not sure.

I am pretty sure that my husband is completely done with ow. He seems only minorly challenged with her right now, doesn't call or answer and seems to be doing okay. It has been 3 weeks since last contact with her, but her name comes up when she calls or when his friend mentions. I know that just one slip could put us back to the beginning, but I feel good about it so far. We have other instability that contributes to this too though.

I am very pregnant but working every day. He is not working. Our kids are no longer in daycare because when he moved out, they lost their spot. He is watching them most days and has dropped them at daycare a few times. Their behavior is worse and more babyish because 1- not used to daddy being around and his weird form of discipline and also being told to go to their room to play most of the day and not being watched until one of them starts hitting the other, 2- changes in their life like not going to daycare and not really knowing what happens day to day even time to wake up, eat, nap, and sleep are varied with his schedule, and 3- what a month or two they have had watching daddy finally come home from deployment, the major stress between us, a bit of arguing and practically ignoring them or planting them in front of a tv while he tried to decide between ow and me for for about two weeks, moving to ow's house with daddy, wondering why mommy didn't go, seeing daddy sleeping in ow's bed and kissing ow, and then moving back home, but daddy is sleeping at a (male) friend's house and then having another female friend come to stay with us during the past month (just left). Yeah things have been a little wild at my house.

Okay, so now H and kids have been back for three weeks with no contact to ow and the other friend has gone back to her house. Finally time for me and H to have some talks- alone. One of his friends said he would be a go between and help H with accountability and make suggestions, but we haven't heard from him much. I guess it is up to God and me. H is waiting to see if one job will pan out. He should know in two weeks. If it does not, then he is ready and wanting to go active duty. Meanwhile he mopes. He does mainly uhhhhh nothing all day long. He might talk to the military or go to the store and get some junk that we don't need and can't afford, but mainly nothing. If we do go active duty, then there are lots of things at our house that need to be done first but he hasn't even started. And we honestly can't afford to make purchases. If we could, I'd have the kids going to daycare. So then when I say "so how was your day and what did you do?", etc he thinks I am mad because he hasn't done squat. I am partially because he has always tended to do nothing. But I am also well aware that he too is going through a rough time so I have tried to not expect anything of him right now. I would think that he'd do better if he did something and felt more worthwhile, but he can't seem to get motivated right now. Also he does not initiate sex because he told me that he feels dirty and does not want to touch his clean wife. He also told me that the relationship with ow was mostly about great sex and that he fell in love with her from there. YUCK! Anyway, maybe that's why he doesn't want sex, he's afraid/knows it won't be as good as with her and will miss her. When I initiate he is too tired, sick, busy, etc. I even met him at the door last night with nothing on but a tiny teddy, candles everywhere and soft music going. And he said Oh, you look nice but aren't you cold, he started blowing out candles and asked if I'd like him to go get a movie. I wanted to cry, but that just makes him mad so I held the tears. I feel pretty rejected.

He told me that he thought she could make him happy because they had the same background. He said that he left her because she was violent. I still don't feel chosen. I feel second best. I wonder how he can leave me who cares for and sacrifices for him regularly to go to ow who will gladly push the kids out of the way to yell and throw knickknacks at him. He was covered in bruises when he came back and several items were broken or damaged by her actions. How could he ever think that anyone would love him more than me anyway? And better yet why would he want to love someone besides me? I feel so hurt, so rejected. He told me he knew it was wrong, but it felt good. Even now, I do not feel chosen but second best. He is not happy now. I see that. Rationally I understand that he is going through a depressive episode, but I am hurting and it always seems to be about him. I can't even be excited about the baby. I am ashamed to even be bringing this child into this situation. I am still trying to plan A big time. That's a tough thing since I cannot meet some of his EN (sex, recreational, and there's not a lot to admire right now either). We have not been to MC yet because he wants to make sure military does not get wind of it. That was our agreement, to wait until things were settled with them. So he is remorseful. But instead of showing it and trying to make things up to me, he is feeling not good enough and thinks it is okay to quit. He even wonders why I would ever stay with a loser like him and that I would be better off without him. I have tried to be happy and move on, just showing him that we can have a fantasy life too. Of course reality comes crashing in sometimes. But I've not complained about our money and said yes everytime he wants to go to a haunted house or buy something. I am still complaining/scared about his driving, but I'm working on that. I have suggested that he do ONE thing at our house which is to build a doghouse. He doesn't have time. I am trying to be supportive of his every need and wishing I had some of my own met. I wish he would just grow up and do the right thing for the right reason and come hell or high water not do other stuff, but he is a quitter and doesn't believe he can ever have the same things as others. I don't eve tell him my frustrations with his inaction or rejection of me. I never asked for details of the affair; we don't discuss it. I've been hurt enough by the things I do know. I want to move on and make things better with MC help. But I can't keep doing everything on my own and with no reward.

So is this just part of it? Is this what happens during withdrawal stage? If I could stuff anti-depressants into his cereal would it help? Do I just ride this out and wait for a time with MC to get specific instructions?