chen,,,,,, that wasn't a scolding pal, that was a down right grab you by the collar and slap you siily dude. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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our kids don't know and i don;t want them to know, that there father is a liar and a cheater.
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it seems that you are trying to hide from this. that can be understood. to me it seems that you have some knd of fear about expressing your feelings to your w. maybe it makes you feel vulnerable or something.
i don't know how you have raised your family to date but the truth is that you were a liar and a cheat. why not step up to the plate and show them all that you are man enough to admit your shortcomings. that you understand the hurt that you have caused your family and are willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.
i don't know how old your kids are but my suggestion is to tell them when they are young (maybe ages 5 - 11. at 15 and older they start to understand the infidelity issue better and they may get very angry at first) so they don't put the emotonal trama together with the shock of a new sibling. you don't have to make this an overly joyous anouncement just a matter of fact that they have a bro/sis. make sure that you and your w are together when you tell them.
fact is there is no way possible for you to live a double life and not have them see through you. kids are very perseptive and smarter then we generally give them credit for. they are also more forgiving then adults imho.
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i still have phone contact to check on the oc, is this wrong i go and see the oc when i can without my wife's knowledge fearing that it might hurt even more.
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you have answered this question in your first post.
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quote from you - i do support the child, which is ok with my wife; but she feels she should be apart of my visitation with the child.
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you have been given a tremendous gift in your w. she is willing to forgive yo and wants to stand beside you thru this mess. the biggest thing you can do to repair the damage and pain you have caused is to LET her. let her be apart of everything you do with your oc if she is willing.
let her do all the communication with the ow if she is willing. you want her to trust you again. then you have to trust her that she will handle things appropriately.
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, is this wrong i go and see the oc when i can without my wife's knowledge
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YES! YES! YES!
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fearing that it might hurt even more.
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she has already proven that she has more strength then you could even imagine by her willingness to stand by you in this mess you have created. don't think for a minute that she hasn't had to deal with so many issues that you probably have no clue about. self worth, embarassment, hate -for you and ow, feeling unwanted, useless, being a failure, swallowing her pride, anger, depression and many more. give her some well earned credit.
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i told her i wasn;t going to leave my wife.
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great. now tell her again with your w present.
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i feel she got pregnant to try and keep me. she dosen't want to meet my wife
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why she got pregnant doesn't matter know. and the reason she got pregnat is because you were a fool among other things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
what the ow wants is of no concern to you any more. WHO are you married to? WHO is #1 in your life? WHO are you trying to rebuild your relationship with?
all these answers should be your W. if any of them are ow then you are not being honest with anyone yet, not even yourself.
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she want's me to bring the oc to my home some weekends to give her a break. what do i do with this awkward situation, i want my wife to be apart of the oc's life.
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great. the oc should be spending time with you and your family. not so ow can have a break but because you want to incorporate oc into a normal (as can be expected) family situation.
set up regular visitation times with the child. take your w along at pickups and drop offs. take the oc to your home or a park, etc. this is NOT to be a 3 parent visitation. just you, your w, oc and your kids if they have been told.
start working on YOUR family. THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE OW.
don't tell me you want your w to ne part of oc life if you have no intention of making it hpen. just DO it. start NOW.
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but she say she needs to meet the ow, why? should they meet?
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can't answer the why part but i know that i had to meet the om in my case and explain the way things were going to be.
if this is something that your w needs then so be it. maybe she has some fear that you will return to ow. remember in your w's eyes your words of "it's over" don't mean crap. you looked her in the eyes and lied for how long? maybe she needs to see her so that her fears can be put aside. maybe she wants to see her so she can say to herself "that's what you left me for?" maybe she just wants to look in her eyes and ask "what the hell were you thiking messing around with MY h?" or maybe she just wants to call her a b!!!h. who knows.
by not allowing that meeting to take place your w most definately sees you as protecting ow. as long as your w doesn't get violent (which would be understandable) then let it happen.
the point is that it doesn't matter whetheryou think they should meet or not. what matters is that it is something SHE needs.
like i said before dude it's time to put action behind your words.
wishing you luck, pops
