Not sure where to start.

Just found out this morning that OW is pregnant.
At first I was like Oh well, we will deal but now it's setting in. OW is younger and inmature, she is not ready for a child. We have two of our own and although I would accept the child, I am not ready to travel down that road of having an infant again. The big thing is our M is in too fragile of a state. I also worry about our young children and how this will affect them.

Like other have felt, we want her to have an abortion. She is not fit to be a mother and I don't have the time or the energy to bring up another. I know the child did not ask for this and I don't blame the child. I believe she did this on purpose, a way to ensure that my H would be her's and would not come home to his wife once again. However, this has pushed him away from her.

I told my H if she has it, and if he wants to be part of the child's life, I would be fine with that. IF AND ONLY IF, there is NC with OW, the child stays with us (normal visitation) and the only part she plays is dropping off and picking up. When the child is at our home, it is part of our family, just like if they were divorced. That my H and Her and OC will NOT have weekends at the beach, vacations, holiday's, etc together. They are not a family.

The past two years have been so difficult, this is not a blow I/we needed. I am really questioning if I should stay in this marriage. I told my H I would love him no matter what and I still do.

I am lost. We just started C with Harley, guess I should discuss with him.

I wish I would wake up from this dream. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: LuvMyFamily ]</small>

It ain't no dream, Honey...it's a nightmare. but you seem to be doing all the right things by starting with Steve Harley and creating boundaries within your marriage of what is acceptable to you right now and what is not.

The only obligation your husband has to this child is financial, but after the marriage has healed some and has recovered from this betrayal, some BW's are open to contact. This usually takes some time. For some it takes just a few months, others a couple years...it took me four years to get to where I could consider contact. Every one and every situation is different depending on circumstances surrounding your marriage and family.

You must consider your children first and the effect this will have on them. Lynn G stresses to Newbies to not pay a nickel until DNA results prove paternity (as any money transferred to OW before child is born can be construed by the courts as an admission of guilt) and to seek immediate legal counsel for all other issues; especially constructing a protective financial wall for your own children first by sueing your husband for child support immediately regardless of whether or not you stay married to him because the courts have it designed that the first party to sue for support gets the larger income shares. And these should go to YOUR children first. The courts will see to it the OC will get their fair share as well. zNo one will be left out of the equation...you should just file first.

Besides abortion, adoption is another alternative and a very loving one. We are knee deep in childless two parent households where the couple deeply desire children but are unable to have one themselves. What a gift both to the adoptive parents and to the child!

Another reason to protect your children and file for support and to withhold money for OC until the results come in is because we have had a handful of incidents here where the BW and WH receive the incredible good news that the DNA has determined that the WH is NOT the bio dad. One gal here (Zebra) and her hsuband paid a significant amount of money to the OW and the OC for months and months, had contact with the child and bought the child clothes and toys and baby furniture only to find out that the child was not her hsuband's child. Zebra got a "get out of jail free" card. She doesn't regret the money or the gifts or contact at all and sees it as a loving thing to do for this child and in her goodness and generosity, God blessed her with a reprieve for a life long sentence of CS and OW interference.

Good luck

Catnip =^^=

Catnip, thanks.

I guess I am on the right track but by sheer chance. My H left again in Sept after returning home after a year long sep. However, after he left this time, I filed for a limited divorce and we have our first court date Nov. 17th in order to establish child support and visitation. Hmmm, I am wondering something. My H wanted 10 days of visitation a month, which really lowered the support he would owe me. Hmmm, I wonder if we could follow through with our Nov 17th court date, have him modify his desire for visitation to something lower, meaning that he will owe me more and there would be less for the OC. Major question here. In a divorce, if a parents income goes up then child support is modified. Would the same thing hold true here? If we stayed married, then the support issue for our child would be mute. OW could then go back to court and file to modify child support. Does that sound possible?

Thanks again.

I'm afraid I don't have an answer as I am not an attorney and you need to contact someone in YOUR state since everything varies from state to state.

As far as seeking CS, you can file for legal seperation and never divorce, but your child will receive child support. Never heard of the 10 day rule where CS gets cut accordingly.

I think the goal here is to protect your own children first rather than ensure the OC gets less. I understand that this is part of the early process because most of us have felt enormous resentment at one time or another to have a complete stranger suddenly appear into our lives and then end up on the dole, making you the benefactor and a person you don't even know the beneficiary. That is very tuff stuff to swallow indeed but there are a lot of people out there who lose it if anything is remotely suggested that the OC not get their fair or not so fair share, depending on what side of the fence you are on.

Get your attorney on this right away and protect your children. Good luck.

Cat =^^=

Just a few of my thoughts. Nothing to do with CS.
My exWS had an affair with a 21 year old. (We're 48 years old) This young woman never held a job for long, lived with others who would take her in, was a recovering alcoholic, and had an abuseful, neglectful childhood. Not alot of good potential for parenting. She, too, chose no abortion and had the child. My exWS said from early on that he couldn't abandon a child of his as it wasn't the child's fault. He was at the hospital for the birth, for "the baby's sake". Throughout he kept on saying he wanted to reconcile with me, that he was never in love with her, etc. Well, the OC was born with Down Syndrome. Since OW and OC "had nowhere to go" after the OC was born, esWS moved them into his apartment. I eventually met the OC and felt that I could love and accept him. I didn't want to be a full time parent, again, either. Just weekend visits, etc. My exWS kept on saying he was moving out and would just let the OW and OC have the apartment. He wanted to rebuild a life with me, etc., etc. Well, after a year of promises to leave, I finally gave him an ultimatum. Move out or no contact with me. Deadline came... He calls, "I can't meet your deadline. I just can't trust that she can take good enough care of the baby, especially if I'm not around to make sure he's ok." It's been a very painful, difficult journey. I'm now into no contact. It's painful.

It's true this is a nightmare and one that you will not wake up from. I thought/felt the exact same way!!!

It's interesting that you do consider this a "child" but still vote for abortion.

How about trying to convince the OW (or having H try to convince) how much better it would be for the OC to be adopted into a 2 parent home. OW will probably not go for this though because then she is left with "nothing" and it's true that if she keeps the child your H might end up in her life forever, one way or another. Unless H wants NC then she will want the child so she at least gets something out of it for herself plus his/your $$$.

If H wants to have OC in life, it will be harder on you, just for the basic fact that you are a mother and most of the responsibility will naturally fall on you. I appreciate your honesty about your feelings towards all of that and it seems like you are thinking pretty clearly. I sure wasn't thinking that clearly in the beginning.

We are involved w/OC and it has been extrememly difficult. OC was 4 1/2 yo before we got involved so we did have time to work on our marriage and rebuild it to a more stable position but OC is now almost 6 (17 months involved w/ OC)and it has rocked our marriage almost as if it was back to the beginning. OW is not too happy about us being involved if it does not include her.

Our marriage has restabablized but it was pretty shaky there for awhile, uneccessarily, I think. I wish we would have kept NC, but that's hindsight.

Have you shared your thoughts about what this will cost all of you in the next 18 years, with H. The financial aspect is really the cheapest part of the equation. It will cost a lot more than $$. Ask your H if he really thinks it's all worth it? Maybe he should read some of these stories on here about how difficult it is to be in this situation and to be involved in the life of OC.