Trying to figure out the best way, and when, I should tell my family (and she hers) that the child she is having is not mine. Do I come out and say it before its birth or wait for a while?

I'm quite sure I'm not the right one to reply to your question, but I will anyway. I say this because, at this point, we are not planning to ever tell anyone including OC my H is not the bio. Most people on here already know, it's because that's the way my H wants it. For now he is very adament about it. I on the other hand believe it is something that will somehow or another be found out, so I think we need a plan to someday expose the truth. For now I am leaving it alone to honor my H's wishes.

My answer to you is also a question. Is there any reason, (besides the obvious reasons of honesty of course) that anyone needs to know at this point? I'm just thinking if you plan to tell your OC someday, that without any one knowing in advance, your OC will most definitely hear the news from you first and there won't be the chance of finding it out from someone else.

Unless there is a chance x-om and his W, or their connections could tell your family and friends, I'm not sure I see the point in telling everyone right now. If your W were still in the A, then it IS advised you reveal it to people, to help her see the light.

I know there are many good reasons to tell family. For me, I worry about things such as H and I both dying in car or plane crash, leaving behind no one who knows the truth. I feel at the very least the guardian of our children and OC listed in the will should have this information, (this isn't even very ideal, because it would be leaving the guardian w/ the burden of deciding when/if to tell OC). H says no to even this, anyway...for now.

Bottom line, you and your W need to POJA on this subject. You will then come to a decision you can both live with.

Hope you and your wife are doing well.

BTW, don't feel bad about your raw emotion you had upon discovery. It is very typical, and well deserved. My H too referred to OC on d-day as my [censored] child. He only said it one time. I believe I needed to hear it though.

My H loves OC as he does our other children, it is more than evident. I'm not sure how, because I myself do not think I would have that capability if the shoe were on the other foot!

Take good care.
~autumnday

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

I have similar fears of it being found out in a manner where I cannot control the flow of information. Moreover, while it was my W's A, I am starting to feel that it should be me that were to tell the child.

However, given that my family is well aware of my statistical infertility, I wonder if there would be some suspicion on their part and am wondering if I should address that outright. On the other hand, I'm afraid that were I to tell my family that it would inhibit our ability to rebuild our marriage.

I don't do well in situations where I have limited or no control (I'm type A in many regards) and feel an overwhelming need to have a plan of action that accounts for different variables and scenarios.

While we haven't formalized a POJA, we seem to be operating under its concepts, except my W is being very deferential. Even to the point that she is sleeping in the guest bedroom until I'm ready for her return, which may be soon as I do miss her company tremendously.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, given that my family is well aware of my statistical infertility, I wonder if there would be some suspicion on their part and am wondering if I should address that outright. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good point. It would stink to wonder if they're suspecting or not, to tell them outright would solve that problem. On a side note, I've always wondered why couples share details of their marriages such as vasectomy, when they're trying to get pregnant, etc. w/ family and friends. I guess my H and I have always kept our personal stuff, personal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On the other hand, I'm afraid that were I to tell my family that it would inhibit our ability to rebuild our marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is something my H has feared. There have been no real "dramas" in his family, not even a divorce in immediate or extended. They've been called the "Cleavers" by friends.

Mostly my H has just said, he wants this to be our little secret, and it's no one's business but our own. He says he is ok with me and my OC and that's all that matters.

Also, he has said, that to tell even one person would be taking the chance of more and more people finding out, and quite likely, people whom we would never want to know.

I understand the type A, I am also. My H is type B, totally laid back, except at work where he's a workaholic. I ask him if he's worried by not telling OC, then OC finding out on his own, that OC and others *could place blame on him, (where it should't be). He insists he doesn't care what people including the OC think of him and his decisions, that he is doing what he believes is best for him, OC, me and our entire family.

***edited to say, when I say, "could place blame on him", i don't mean for my A, i just mean place some sort of blame on him for us not revealing the truth***

I want OC to know the truth, so he can also know the whole story, that his Daddy, my H loves him unconditionally. If he finds the truth "too late", and/or in another way besides from my H and I, I fear he will be tremendously hurt, and have many doubts.

I'm glad you're operating under the concepts of POJA. It's so important, especially now. I can't imagine any other issue the rest of our years needing POJA as much as the aftermath of the A with a resulting OC.

I can tell you love your W. I so hope everything works out for you guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take good care.
~autumnday

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Ferruz,

The Policy of Joint Agreement is really the key in this situation. I noticed that MJ said that the Harley's recommend telling the children earlier---I'd like to see her link to those specific letters, because I've never seen it. It may be new information, however.

You and your wife have to make decisions that you both are enthusiastic about. You've noticed her being deferrential---that's a good sign that she's not really using the POJA, but is giving in because she feels guilty. See if you can coax her into getting her real opinion out into the open.

In our case, both my family and my wife's family knew about the affair and the pregnancy before the child was born. This boy is now nearly five. He and his siblings know nothing of this. We will probably disclose it to them sometime in the future, but I think it will still be a few years.

His parentage hasn't affected the way I or any of the family members treat him. It's really a non-issue...

With my H family, he told them the truth out right. He also told them that no matter what, they either accept the child as his or he would want nothing to do with them. This was almost 5yrs ago and they treat Lanie as one of their own.

As for my second child with XMM, H had a vasctmey so they knew right away. Plus the fact that XMM had his sister in law call my grandmother in law and tell her in full detail of what happened didn't help either. Nothing was really said, but they too accepted Alex as their own.

Right now both Lanie and Alex know my H as Dad and XMM as Papa. They really don't understand but they know. Part of the reason why I did this is I didn't want them finding out from others down the road. My family hates my H and made it clear that they would let the kids know the truth.

In your situaton you need to do what you feel is best for your W and you. I wish you the best of luck.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Crazymum ]</small>

ferruz,,,,, i think that crazymum is on the right track. there are a few things that need to be done first between you and your w.

you two need to come to an agreement on whether you are going to stay married and work to rebuild it.

you have to figure out if you both want nc by om. not just you.

once those issues are solved you need to move on to the childs last name, birth cert dads name (yours is ok here), whether you can except this child as your own and whether your w can except you as the father of this child.

there are probably more things to consider but once these questions are answered in a way that will produce a productive family atmosphere then you can move on to telling the families.

i personally think that sooner is better. meaning prior to birth. also i feel that you need to make sure of where your heart is so when they are told you are rock solid in your committment to your marriage. ad you let them know that your family either excepts you with your w and new c or they don't except any of you.

most likely your families will have some disappointment about what has happened in your life but will read you and your w's attitude and support that.

ferruz,
there's no hurry, right? I totally agree w/spouse joint policy of agreement. Why not wait 6mo or a year and see if you both still feel like they need to know?

We waited a year of recovery before telling our parents (XOW told one--that's another story!).

Best recovery wishes!!
J

Our OC was not in our lives at first so we naturally did not tell any one. Then when the OC was going ot be in our lives of course we had to tell every one and it was very hard and many people were hurt.

But from my personal experience as a child; My parents told me when I was 8-10 yo, can't remember exactly, that my dad was not my bio dad. Not from A but from teen pregnancy, so little different situation, but any how.......As an adult, I wish I was never told and did not benenfit from this information in any way. Because other people knew, my parents feared I would "find out" if they did not tell me first. I would suggest telling no one so that will not be an issue. Then there is absolutely no reason to ever tell your child. You are adults and if you are going to stay married then you can deal with it and keep it to yourself. There is NO way your child will benefit from this information, it will not make thier life better in any way,shape or form.

This information was hardest for me to deal with as a teenager. Although I had a loving, devoted father all I could think of was the rejection by the sperm donor and the curiosity of another life that might be better. My father was also hurt by having to reveal this information to me but he felt it was best coming from him than some outsider. Although I have the best dad in the world, our relationship was never the same after I was old enough to realize what this confession really meant for me. For the rest of my life I have felt I was living a lie every time people ask me about my dad.

Also legally; if you tell and there are people that know----it can get back to the OM and he can come back and make life hell for all of you, trying to get involved with child and then he will be in your lives forever and that will cause unbelievably MORE pain and despair for everyone!

That's my vote; don't tell-----any one----ever.

If you want to, then you guys will make it through and what better dad for this child to have than one who really loves it's mother!!!!

I just got back from my parents place. My wife and I told them that she was pregnant, but not as the result of her affair.

As expected, they were excited; I felt a bit guilty but still think not telling them is the right decision. There's no need for them to be burdened with all the gory details at this point.

Still, it stung when comments like "half your genetic code" or "it's your fault she's got morning sickness" were made.

I guess I'll get used to them. Heck, maybe they won't matter once the kid comes along.

Ferruz, I'm sorry. That must have been hard, to keep it to yourself and play happy, but probably the right thing too. I hope it makes your wife love and appreciate you all the more, for being a class act!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I told my family immediately. When I told mother in law, she was as angry as I was. I would tell, just so you can get support. You deserve it.

As for the children. Ours know. They are not happy about it at all. However, since we have no contact, it keeps the oc from being rubbed in their faces. They are teens now, and have known for years. They have no desire to meet or know oc.

Legally, in your will, if you have nc, you need this addressed in your will. Leave them $1.00 so that they can't say they were forgotten.

Our families were angry that my H did that. He was so ashamed. When we went NC it involvedd the whole family, as OW tried to play the grandparents card. She would send them photos, etc. that they would immediatley send to attorney who had to contact her and file harrassment charges.

I just really think a BH such as Ferruz raising an OC w/ his FWW is a different situation altogether, than the OC being the child of a FWH and X-OW.

An OC produced from the H and OW clearly is not of the marriage, and it is obvious to everyone, therefore has to be explained somehow.

As long as Ferruz's W is behaving, ended the A, has gone NC, I don't see a reason her affair and OC have to be exposed to anyone at this point. Unless of course they decide as a couple to reveal it.

I just see this situation as having much more latitude. Of course you might want to consider where my POV stems from.

Also, Ferruz~
I know what you mean when unknowing people make the kind of comments your family made,(they are so happy). In our situation, it is me the WW that is bothered by such comments from my inlaws. I feel so guilty each time. It is my H, the BS, who tells me to relax, don't worry, let his family enjoy the baby. Again reminding me he accepts the situation, and that's all that matters. I know he hurts, but is strong for me and OC, and that makes me feel guilty too. However, he is that kind of person. As a poster on here once said, "he's not looking for any medals".

You sound like you are feeling a little better. I hope things are going as well for you and your W as they can at this time.

I agree with Jenny, your W should be counting her blessings, her lucky stars, whatever you want to call it, she has sooooo much to be thankful for!!

Take good care.
~aut