My H's oc was born 7/22/03. OW plays games with him and doesn't let him see her unless he stays with her. I filed for divorce yesterday, but am still hoping things can work out between me and H. He says he wants things to work with me, but refuses to stay away from OW b/c of OC. I'm all for laying out the "rules" of when he can and can't see OW (I understand he will have to at times) but what do you suggest? We've already researched how to go about custody/parenting time legally, but that will take a while. So, can I reasonably expect him to completely stay away from her/not talk to her until he gets legal parenting time?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Also, does anyone know if step-parents have any rights when it comes to custody?? He's on a timeline now...we have no kids of our own, so unless I see some action from him within the next 60 days, then our divorce will be final.

I just read your history from your previous posts. I understand that you do not have any children with this man. From the sound of it, your H is putting this OW and the needs of their child before you. Are you willing to accept this for the next 18 years while your H supports his child with OW? Have you and H been thinking about children?

Normally, I don't advocate separation or divorce, but in your case, you are young, have no children and have your whole life ahead of you. I would strongly let this "man" go so he can devote as much time as possible to responsibly raising his child with OW (regardless whether he stays with her or not).

Good Luck.

Dear Should I Try...

In some situations where the people are young, have not been married for very long and do not have children together, when infidelity happens and a child is the result of that A, it is sometimes recommended that the Betrayed Spouse lets go of the relationship and start over. This doesn't happen often on MB, but in a case such as this, sometimes it is best for everyone concerned since, esepcially in your case, your husband has a child with someone else. Perhaps you should consider letting him go to them so you can start over.

Most people here have children together with their spouse and/or a very long history and in these cases, MB encourages people to stay together and rebuild their marriage and learn to affair proof their marriage by learning the principles and rules of the program, which are very effective. We learn how to identify and meet our spouse's most important Emotional Needs, we learn how to incorporate the Policy for Joint Agreement into our marriages and use this policy to determine Contact with OC and in every other facet of our marriages.

It is imperitive that if a couple commit to rebuilding their marriage that the WS agrees not to have any contact with the OP ever again under any circumtances and all contact should go through a third party or through an attorney.

Recovery is hard work. Before you make a commitment to this marriage, perhaps you should speak to Steve Harley to help you decide if working on this marriage is in your best interest. In your case, you might be better off leaving the marriage and allowing your husband to make a family with his child. Since you are so young and have no children of your own, you have a pretty clear path to happiness with someone who will be faithful to you and not betray you.

I am so sorry you are going through this...it must be such a huge heartache and disappointment...

Good luck and God bless

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Thanks for picking up Catnip. You said exactly what I was getting at, only much better.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I believe in marriage and staying married BUT it sounds like maybe you are putting in more effort than your husband and in that case it will never work.

IF your husband is serious about wanting to stay married to you AND have OC in life.....get a lawyer right away so he can assert his rights as father. Look for one that specializes in Fahters Rights. You have to do everything through the courts which will cost you $$$$. You both have to decide how much it is worth to you. Is it worth your marriage or worth your pocketbook or worth this OC having a father who rightfully should not have been thiers?

And YOU have realize what you will be in for. If you stay together and have children of your own....they will ALWAYS come 2nd no matter what....legally they will not even have to be recognized by the courts financially. This OC will always be provided for first...ALWAYS and at least for the next 18 years. Are you prepared for that? BUT at the same time, if you stay together and have children of your own, they will get to see their father every day and actually live with him and not be regulated to "just visiting"! And this OW will be in your life FOREVER!! Less and less as the child gets older but for now.....it will be A LOT.

She cannot deny the father the right to see the child but even legally, with OC being so young there will be limits.....you can have all visits together...legally you will not have much right to this child, if any!

Maybe you should look into a legal separation and see if any financial provisions can be made for you FIRST, then anything she ever wants will be taken from what is left over. It is all up to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are not any less of aperson to NOT want this OC around and in your life...you did not ask for this. If you choose to stick with it, it will be a very hard road but not impossible.

<small>[ November 08, 2003, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Thank you all for your advice. If I only had a dime for every person who has given me similar advice! It took everything I had to finally file for divorce. Even though H and I have only been married for a little over 2 yrs, we have been together for 9 yrs. I will be 31 this month. It is very very hard to let go of everything I had planned for our lives together - including having children together. It's just hard to let go. I had another miscarriage (ectopic miscarriage) in May of this year - while OW was pregnant. Ughh...was that hard knowing this 40 yr old w/ 3 kids of her own was having a healthy baby w/ my husband, while I just lost mine - my 3rd failed pregnancy with him. Get this - the night she delivered, she called our house - up jumps my H from our bed and off he goes to pick her up and take her to the hospital. THAT about killed me. So now, after he's realized how psycho she is, he wants us to stay together - yet he still can't tell OW that he's not interested in being with her any more other than for the OC. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> So ... I think filing for divorce was the best choice for me. I need full commitment and devotion to our marriage before I can even start to focus on accepting this oc (and somehow, her idiot mother.) If he can't give me what I need ... then I know it will never work and I'll just have to go on with my life like you said. It just sucks that I've come this far through the affair, birth of oc, etc. and it will probably end anyway. At least he's got his child now, eh? I feel like a failure. Sad, isn't it? Men suck.

ShouldItry:
Please don't feel like a failure. Trust me I know that feeling and it's not your fault. Have you thought about having some test run to see why you are miscarry? Including the tubal pregnancy? I know first hand how hard that is. Also, if you have 3 misscarriages in a row it is consider a problem and I would have some test run. I too had many miscarriages and ended up being treated for over 4 years with major drugs and Invitro with the end result my twin girls. It was worth every dime we spent and every emotional trial I went through. Please don't feel like a failure. It happens. I could imagine how you felt loosing yet another baby while she was pregnant...I'm so sorry.

Dear Should I Try

The ONLY failure here is your husband...not you.

I am so very sorry it has come to this. I know you don't see any good in it and won't for a long time to come, however, one day you will look back on this and know you did everything in your power to save your marriage and work with your hsuband on the OC issues. You have been wonderful to him and all you have done and gone through has not been a waste of time. You will find you learned many valuable lessons along the way.

Sometimes God takes from us things that are not good for us, including spouses. God has something better for you in the future and your path needed to be cleared away to make this possible.

Maybe over the next few weeks you could make a Pro and Con list of all the good and the bad in the marriage so you can revisit these things when you are stronger. It might be a real eyeopener.

I'll keep you in my prayers, SIT. I'm so sorry....

God bless

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

I remember when I found out about OC. Besides the basic betrayal part of it, I was SO angry over the fact that I wanted more children and we couldn't afford it, I wanted to be responsible so I was, waiting for the right time and for us to be financially stable, THEN I find out OW had OC! I felt robbed!!!!!!!

Should have been MY child not hers!!!! Then when we finally met OC (4 1/2 years later) and OC has kinky, curly hair, from my H, something I wanted my WHOLE LIFE!, a curly headed child!!!!

We stayed together and had 2 children since then (total 3 (b"almost" 11yo, b 3yo, g 1 yo)of "ours" + OC(g "almost" 6yo)=4) Only 3yo boy had some curly hair but we had to cut it eventually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm over it now, my daughter looks exactly like me, full head of straight hair. So when our mixed up family is all together, with people who don't know the details, they always comment, oh you guys have 2 that look just like your wife and 2 that look just like your husband, oh you have 2 of each!( 2b,2g), Even birthdays funny, 2 in Jan. (b 11 +OC) and 2 in June (b3 +g1). All pretty ironic!!!

It still stings sometimes but it's ok, not as bad as used to be, and grateful for what we have.

Your feelings are normal and not unsual, you have a lot to be angry and hurt about, better to get it all out now and face as much of it as you can now then you can move on, in either direction you choose. We had issues that we never faced until we met OC, then a whole can of worms opened up and it was ugly, would have been better to deal with it all upfront!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by catnip:
<strong>

Sometimes God takes from us things that are not good for us, including spouses. God has something better for you in the future and your path needed to be cleared away to make this possible.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is SOOOO true Catnip. I have a perfect example of that. I was supposed to get married in June of '99. The day i was supposed to get married, my exfiance decided he wasn't ready and wanted to postpone getting married. I was heartbroken, but luckily it was going to be a simple Justice of the Peace ceremony anyway so there wasn't a lot of explaining that had to be done to people. At that same time (June of '99) my now fiance was going through a divorce. His xW had an A that produced an OC. He would have forgiven her, but at the time she was so in love (in fog) with OM that she didn't want to stay together. He was terribly hurt over the incident. We didn't know each other at the time, but now I know that both of those things had to happen in order for us to find each other. We are so completely happy now it is just amazing.

So, chin up, ShouldITry. After you've done all you can, just stand and be sure that God has a pupose and a plan. Whatever happens, it HAD to work out this way in order for God's plans to be fulfilled.

Thanks again for your comments. I know someone has some kind of plan for me - otherwise I would have never have had the strength to file for divorce. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it, but I did!! It was hard - harder yet telling him I did it, but I finally at least have some sense of accomplishment and/or respect for standing up for myself. Perhaps that was half of the battle? Even though I'm sad, I feel a wieght has been lifted. It's no longer my decision. HE made the choice to screw everything up for us NOT ME and IF I am important enough, he will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life, right? So...if that happens (I'm not holding my breath) HOW HOW HOW do you accept the OC?? How do you ever look at the OC and not see the OW?? How do you get past knowing that H looks at OC and it reminds him of OW??? All three of them (H, OW, OC) have blue eyes - I have brown. What do you say when someone asks about OC??? Obviously...if we take her anywhere (me and H and OC), someone will ask if I had a baby .... what do you say??? I think I have too many rules - no sending her $$ that doesn't go thru the court, no helping her with fixing anything (car, house, etc) no talking to her on the phone - if she needs to call H, she can call me and I'll give him the message, etc etc etc. I can go on and on. I'm completely ruined ... a "freak" if you will. Are we all freaks on this site or what?? Will OC ever love me? What will she call me? Will OW try to turn her against me?? GRRRR!!! We've both lost so much b/c of this A and OW is a complete idiot - I just don't see how this happened in the first place and now there's just a mess. Who has been able to clean up such a mess????

Oh, and barf barf barf...my in laws have fully accepted the OC and OW - all went to the hospital when she was born to celebrate and here I was at home by myself crying my eyes out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> There was someone else on this site talking about how the nasty OW worm their ways right into the "family" as if they are the wife!! It makes me totally sick that the OW calls MY mother in law and sister in law all the time - like she's just part of the family now!! I want to kill her!!! If it were up to me, I'd want them to hate her as much as I do!!! But of course they kiss her butt so they can see the kid too. Ughh. How do you deal w/ the "family" like this??? I guess I should just let him go ... keep telling me that please. Thanks.

ShouldItry,
You have a lot going against you sweetie.

H, in-laws...you have too much perhaps to contend with.

I didn't know you and H didn't have children, but losing his chilren and then having the in-laws and H pick up on oc may be fighting a losing battle.

All is not lost though. Your H may be in a fog.

You can move away from the in-laws and still be married. Your H must prove to you that it's the marriage he wants.

Dr. Harley usually recommends divorce in a childless marriage when oc comes around.

Listen to your heart and hear what you H is saying to you before those 60 days.

It's a hard road and whatever you decide... peace! Prayers of abundance to you.
love
Debi

I haven't seen any other postings where the person doesn't have children and is going through the same thing I am. I also do not have any children and have dreams and hopes that I planned to spend with my H who cheated. We have now been together 11 years and it is not the first time he cheated. But this time it was very serious. It was with my best friend although we haven't been that close since she moved away. She came home to finish her degree and while here began her A with my H right in front of me. I didn't suspect much since she was M also so why would I fear anything was wrong. She disguised the A as friendship and was constantly coming to my home and accepting my hospitality and even sleeping on the couch (which wasn't offered but she would pass out drunk often) while my H and I slept in bed together. The way she acted was also something I was not accustomed to. When she told me she would be getting a divorce, I assumed she acted so differently because of the hard time she was going through. Fast forwarding a little, I found out 9 months ago when I was suspecting more and more things going wrong and signs she was contacting him from another city constantly. I found his cell bill was huge and all calls to her. Found out that last year she was pregnant but was terminted - but she said it was planned. This devastated me that it was done on purpose and within only months of beginning this relationship. She is now 8 months pregnant and became pregnant on the 2nd of 2 visits she made to this city since I found out about the affair. Each visit they slept together. The time they got pregnant was also planned full knowing the intention was to get pregnant, not an accident, just a planned mistake the way I see it. H knew all she wanted was to get pregnant and he apparently not only agreed to do this with her but also made a 'commitment' for all that is worth to the OW that night. She feels his commitment to her superseeds his commitment to our marriage. She came to confront him in October and again this weekend. H has told me there would be no contact with OW or OC and he would work things out with me. When OW came to confront him, I was not afraid, I thought he would know what he wanted and would tell her. He did nothing and said nothing. He had been telling her he would be at her Dr. appointments and be there for her and leave me. He said after October that they had only 1 contact and it wasn't nice. I was upset and hurt. Now in November H told me she would be in town. I asked to go away so we don't have to be confronted. Instead, he had been agreeing to see her and arranging to meet with her but says he didn't intend to actually meet her. So she came to find him at our home. I told her to leave or I would call the police and that she was not welcome in my home. OW came because H told her he wanted to talk, they had talked since the October incident more than he admits. In fact, within 24 hours of that incident which ended in him telling her it was over, H told her his decision was under pressure and it didn't mean anything. H still wanted OW and OC. When OW came in November she wanted to know will he be there or won't he. She brought the Dr. photos of child because he requested them on top of some pages from a book on 'how to be a dad'. I am so devastated. I was devastated when I found out the OW was pregnant. I thought about what I wanted and told him the only way I could stay in this marriage was if he agreed to have N/C with OW or OC ever for the rest of his life. He has told me how he doesn't agree with this. In fact, he is currently struggling with this OW having his child and doesn't know what to do right now. He couldn't provide OW or me with answers of what he wants. He told her he loves her and me in front of me which also hurt to hear my H tell another woman he loves her right in front of me. That is not something I want to hear. He looked at the Dr. photos in front of OW and me. I was outraged. How could he do that to me when I wanted a family with him. After this weekend, I told him he does not meet any of my basic needs in a marriage. I do not feel safe, secure or comfortable. I do not trust him or believe in him. I have told him I think I need to leave because he has not really decided whether or not he can live with N/C with OC or OW. He refuses to tell OW to get out of his life because he views her as the link to the OC. H family also knows now since she came in October. She wanted to know whether they would be involved with OC. They all love me dearly but have also hurt me. They weren't really given the opportunity to tell her what they thought because H and I intervened. H doesn't want them involved with OW or OC and neither do I. But they feel they should help and want to know their 'granchild'. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I can get councelling and have. I feel pretty sane. I know why I've stayed and I am not desparate. I am young, attractive, successful but I loved every minute of being married and have a lot of pride and dignity. I also always felt I would never be a divorced person because I am so wonderful and understanding. I know I was not the problem. I express my feelings, wants and needs fully in addition to my expectations of my H. He understands all of my strengths and says he only wishes to be with me. H admits he doesn't really know what he wants and this is not fair. H has taken all this time, 8 months, and not figured anything out. There isn't much time left and it can likely only get worse because he has no plan of how to solve any of the problems he has created. H only just agreed/realized that councelling and the view of an objective 3rd party might help him with his current consideration in what to do about this OC with OW and what about me. I don't think I can give anymore because I've been through so much. Not only have I been through all the pain of this A, I have also been in a bad car accident and suffer a lot of physical pain and have normal life challenges like everyone else. My question for ShouldITry is what made you finally decide to go through with the divorce. I haven't told my parents or friends anything that has happened to me.