OK - I know I've posted about this before, but I really need some help. It is almost 9 months post d-day. POPS, your post on What are you doing to show your commitment to your marriage after A? really got me thinking about this. I do feel like my H is so caught up in the stress of the situation, guilt, maybe he hasn't forgiven himself yet - who knows, but I don't feel like he is putting 100% of himself into putting this marriage back together. I have tried to accept this A and the fact that there is OC, the $ we send every month, what it has done to ME, the betrayal, etc. I am going to couseling weekly, trying to talk without being overly emotional (very hard for me), trying not to make A an everyday topic so we can have some normal happy time, etc. While my H has been more loving, he has stopped going to IC, communication is going down hill b/c he loses his temper so fast b/c he is stressed, and we still don't have complete openness and honesty, at least I don't feel like it. He will not give me the code to his cell phone, which is how she contacts him. I feel that since he has betrayed my trust, I should have the codes/passwords to EVERYTHING and be able to check whenever I want without having to ask him first. He wants me to trust him, and ask him whenever I want to see the phone and then he will show it to me. I think that is ridiculous. It makes me feel like a child. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't have the right to have a cell phone with a secret password anymore. He is afraid if she does call and leave a message (things are getting bad and he thinks she is going to file for CS soon) that I will hear if first and then it will cause a fight. He doesn't want me to hear her voice, or get obsessed with checking his phone for messages which I did do last time he did give me the code for about a month. AS far as I can tell from checking phone bill, he is not calling her. She still calls about once a month to complain about $ or something. He is not ready to completely cut off all contact b/c we have not had our court date for CS for our kids yet, and we want that in place befor she files. He seems sure that as soon as he says I am changing my cell phone # don't ever call again she will be running to court, so we want to be prepared. He is so set on not giving me the code that we got in a big fight last night and he threw it out the front door. He would rather have no phone than let me have access to his phone. I don't get it. Please don't say you need to Plan B because I can't see leaving over 1 issue. I need help in making him see my point, or helping me see his. This is a HUGE sore spot. Sorry this is so long.

fortheboys,
Hmmmm.... at first my H did this, about 2 mos past d-day and said the whole line about not trusting him. I now know he was still talking to ow about the pregnancy etc.

All I can say is that I told him in a non threatening voice that it made me feel better to have his code to his answer machine at his office and I promised not to fight when I heard a message from ow. He reluctantly complied.

I can say that in about 5 mos post d-day we did everything we found here on MB and that it helped a great deal in helping H understand me and me to understand him. No more secrets took about one full year because when ow would call he'd not want to hurt me and not tell till a later time in the week. He learned I could handle it only when told the truth and when he did tell the truth I always thanked him.

Hope someone else comes along with a better helpful answer.

love
Debi

fortheboys,,,,,,,,, i read your post but have to be off to work so i will reply later.

I'm usually on general...but came per your post there.

I don't see what the issue is anymore...he threw it out the front door...agree with him that since it is a bone of contention and an issue which causes fights...having it turned off may well be the answer.

OK...now I'll admit, that once you say this...he's going to start backtracking like mad. It was his choice between giving you the passcode or not having a phone...he choose.

I do believe you should have the passcode. BUT...you can't control it if he won't give it to you. You've got every right to be upset, but I'm unclear as to what you are gaining by fighting about it.

You need to have a discussion with him when both are calm and collected. Keep voice low...gentle...and ask him what you can do to make this issue be a non-issue. That ignoring the fact that you want the passcode is not going to work...so what options can HE come up with to make this easier for both of you.

Have you asked about listening? Has he complied? He said he'd allow you to do so whenever...while I agree with you, it seems silly and childish...maybe if you ask "daddy" with a small little girl voice he'll get the message. He may also get mad. But that is happening already.

I really don't like games. He should give you the passcode...but if he doesn't and won't give up the phone...maybe the phone could fall into the toilet and that would be that.

Thanks for coming here to post. He threw it out the door, but of course went out and got it later because he needs it for work (had to go looking in the dark with a flashlight). He is very set that he does not want me to have the code to his phone. Says it causes him too much stress b/c then he is always worrying if she will call and I will get to message first and be upset/angry. I feel like we do not have an open, honest relationship with this issue between us and it is driving me crazy. I feel like I am being taken advantage of. How much do I have to put up with on top of dealing withk the A and OC? Shouldn't he be doing everything he can to earn back my trust? This isn't helping me trust him. We are at the point now where neither one is budging and we are talking about having him move out of the house until he can get the situation settled to a point where there is absolutely no contact/change phone #/whatever needs to be done. I can't take it anymore. He is being totally unreasonable and not caring about my feelings or my needs. He would rather move out of the house than give me the code to his phone! What does that say about him and our marriage? He doesn't care about how much stress this is causing me. I'm starting to feel used. I'm ALWAYS thinking about his feelings. He lied to me and betrayed me for 4 years, he broke our marriage vows, slept with another woman and got her pregnant - and he can't do the things I need to begin to rebuild trust. I hate this whole situation. I would give my life for a normal marriage.

hi fortheboys. what is more important to you- that your H GIVES you the code or to just have the code? If you just want the code to his phone, I would say wait until H is asleep or in the shower and go to the internet to the site where H has cell service from. For example, if he has Sprint then you would go to www.sprintpcs.com and type in his phone number, then click on the "forgot password" thing. It would then send the password to the phone, but the phone has to be on. you could even put it on vibrate so he wouldn't hear it. Most times, that is the only password but sometimes people have a different password for their voicemail. With Sprint, you would go to the "view settings and preferences" and change the voicemail password. You don't need the old password to change it to a new password. But that's only if you just want the password. If you need for your H to give it to you of his own free will maybe you can make him some reassurances about your behavior to anything you may or may not hear on his voicemail. good luck.

4tbs,,,,,,,,,, it seems that his only arguement to you has been that you will get upset if you check and here she has left a message. why don't you try this approach.

tell your h that you understand that he is thru with ow and you understand that he can not control her calling to leave whatever kind of message she feels like. but with him withholding the code it makes it look like he is hiding something. and since it was him that broke the marital trust that you still have some good reason to be apprehensive. also tell him that by his allowing you to "listen in" doesn't really do any good as far as his building back the trust he destroyed because who's to say he didn't erase a message or 2 somewhere prior to you "listening in".

another point to make to him would be that you are his marriage partner not his child and that to ask permission for anything like that is demeaning.

if he replies with it's demeaning to have you checking on him simply tell him that it was he who put you in this predicament to begin with.

on the court issue if you and him have alreday filed your papers then there is no way that she can file now and effect that. the filing dates on the papers will keep things in chronological order with the courts.

fortheboys,

I've been there done that too. Before I knew about my h A he also had a cell phone. He refused to give me his code. I took it one night while he was sleeping and went into the bathroom. I tried every number I could think of that would let me in his phone. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful. I asked my h for the code and he refused, I was so upset about it that I did actually kick him out of the house and not without a fight. Like you said with your h, he would rather leave then give you the code. My h left when I told him to give me the code. Then later I found out that he had a secret PO Box & Checking account. What a shock that was to me. What the hell did he need a PO box for? He said b/c your always kicking me out and I need my mail. OK, sounds legit. I asked him why he needed a separate checking account; he said b/c I bounce to many checks. I do but not on purpose. OK that was a legit answer for me. Well, after I found out about the A, things just started adding up and confessions were being told. The real reason he needed the PO Box was b/c my H and OW were corresponding to one another while OW was in prison on drug charges for 18 months. The checking account was so OW wouldn’t find out about me. The checking account we share has both our names. He had an answer for everything. I trusted my h so much that it never dawned on me to suspect him, so I thought. How naive am I? I still kick my self forever letting it get this far. Every time he left, I never questioned or followed him. I thought my h could ever inflict so much pain, never even thought about it. Since my D-Day 6-26-03, we have our ups & downs. I'm in counseling and taking Zoloft. I told him this was not supposed to happen to me. I'm a young person (34) and been on my own since I was 17 years old coming from the Midwest to CA. I've always had this wall of protection over me since I was little; I guess you can call it Independence. Talk about him crushing down my wall within seconds when I found about the A. Oh Yea his OW had the nerve to come to my home and let me know that she was pregnant and my h was living with her for two months. The time I told my h to leave he was out for two-months and was suppose to be living with his buddy. H came to my house every other day and asked me to ask him back home. I refused! I wasn't ready for him to come back home because we were having problem before D-day. We needed the time away to sort our feelings out. Well when h found out OW was pregnant of course he got scared and ran home to me. That's when my h told her that he has a wife & son. My husband has never been married before but has 4 other boys from previous relationship. The OW didn't know about his other kids either. I knew about his boys when I met my h, good kids that I enjoy. I accepted them into my life. I guess with all the lies my h fed her she must have panic and wanted to hurt me by telling me this. My h never told OW my address or phone number. She did her homework on my h and I. She knew everything about us. I've talked to her once and she basically told me that he lied to me for 3 years. I told her there was no need to get upset with me; the only thing I'm accused of is being my h's wife. I told her to leave us alone. My h told her the A was a huge mistake and that he doesn't want anything to do with OW/OC. I asked her did my H tell you this and she said yes. Why do you think he told you this and do you think it's a lie? She said no, he's hooked on you, he told me he loved you and he would never leave you or his son for me. I said OK, what does that mean to you? She got upset and hung up on me. The next few weeks the OW tried to put a restraining order on me, but it didn't fall through. It was denied by the courts, there was no evidence. She's psycho. I told my h what kind of person did you get involved with. I'm so opposite of her; you can't even compare use, were black and white. I guess my h was looking for a little adventure. Who knows?
I get that code. The info that “Only friends” passed on to you, I’d take full advantage of that website. I’ve never done so much detective work in my life. I even did a background check and obtained my h credit report all through the website. I was thinking if this man is capable of lies for so many years I better check on him. Why not? He has a clean bill of record and boy o boy let me tell you that it was all worth it. Now I know my h isn’t some kind of freak…
Thanks for letting me vent.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the replies, and the info on how to get the password. The thing is, I don't want to go behind his back to get it. That defeats the purpose, and I don't want to have that kind of marriage. It's about opening up and GIVING me access to everything, about WANTING to rebuild trust and lower my stress level. Thats why I don't want to have to ASK to see the cell phone, because that is not opening up and giving me full access. It's about what he is willing to do for me. According to him, the stress it would cause him to constantly worry if I am checking the phone and if she left a nasty message would drive him over the edge. I admit his stress level is very high and it doesn't take much to set him off now. He feels like this is the one thing he has control over. However, I feel like I have done so much for this marriage - just by trying to accept this situation (affair, OC, betrayal, lies, broken marriage vows, CS, an unknown future, indescribable pain and heartache - need I go on?) - I don't think this is asking too much for him. The whole thing is depressing me very badly today. Not just about the phone, but about the trust issue. I don't feel like he has done anything to rebuild trust in this relationship. I'm tired of feeling insecure, and paranoid everytime I can't get a hold of him. He says that he realizes what he has done to me and our relationship, but I really don't think that he has any idea. I wish I had someone to talk to besides my therapist, who is a MAN!

I am a situation kinda of like yours. I just smashed my H cell phone! Well thats the way he talked to her for hours at work and at home. After I Found Out I told him to give the passcodes to everything. He did. I cheched it and found that he went over all his minutes talking to her. A bill about $150. a month. Well. I thought everything was cool. Trying to work things out. Not going so good but slowly getting better, for 1 1/2 months into it. Then one day I couldnt get into check his new billing account. He left his phone downstairs and I went to forgot password. It sent the password phone and I logged on and found a new # I didnt know. Asked him about it. Ha He didnt know. He couldnt remember who it was. So I asked him if it was her new phone # he kinda said No. So I ran and got our phone and guess who it was on the answering machine! We fought so hard! I smashed the phone and he was really very mad (why so you can have the freedom to talk to anyone without me knowing). He says he just wanted to talk about the baby. But the thing is I told him absolutely no talking to her! Her husband (yes she is married with a child)said we can call him anytime to find out info on the to be baby. But she called and left a message on his cell phone telling him she was to have an amnio and lied once again, but says that the 3 hours that they talked was just about the baby and how they are trying to put thier lives back togther. He doesnt need to have a cell phone! Its all bull sh*t. If he wants to hide something from you then thats all bad! Im still going though all this also, but its alittle different. These guys are pigs! Im sure that they didnt mean to get into the situations that they are in on purpous (I know I spelled it wrong) but its the fact that they but themselves ahead of everyone else. Their needs! Why do they want to hide things? Why do they change thier passcodes?
Becuase they are guilty! They know it!