I need advice on whether to tell the wife of my lover whom I was having an affair with that I am pregnant. He is guarding all phone calls into the house and told me he would call the police if I ever called again. The affair lasted over the past 1 1/2 years and he claimed to love me and not her but now with the baby he told me to go have an abortion. I don't want to consider this. I'm confused and alone on this but feel like she needs to know now that there is a child involved.

J's girl - this probably is not the place to be posting this - this is a forum for people rebuilding their marriages after an affair. BUT... Be prepared to be a single parent. It's also not your place to tell his W that you're pregnant - it's his. Your main concern should be for yourself and the baby, and what you plan to do. He's made it clear to you that he's not going to have any contact with you, and you can pretty much be assured that means with your child, also. If you decide to go ahead with the pg, then you need to decide if you want him to contribute financially - because that is all you will get from him. There are other boards with xOW/OW that you can find support - I'm not sure if you've found them already or not. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J'sgirl:
I'm confused and alone on this but feel like she needs to know now that there is a child involved. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, she deserved to know as soon as the affair began.

I think you want to hurt her, not help her.

Convince me that your motives are in HER best interest, not yours.

Are there children in the marriage?

Pep

Yep, if you have it you'll be a single mom. You can give it up for adoption too. That is another choice. When you enter into a sexual relationship, pregnancy is always a chance. The burdon is still on the woman.

How old are you? Are you employed and do you have family who can help you? How are you going to work and take care of the child? What will you do when the child is sick? How will you explain to the child who the father is and under what circumstances he was conceived? How will you explain that the father is spending time with his other children and not yours? Who will be there in the middle of the night when the baby is awake? What will your child tell it's classmates in school when asked about it's Dad?

The reason people really get married is to protect children. If you have it, I'd give it to a married couple who are desparate for a child. Why not make a wrong into a right and give the kid a chance. Why did you get pregnant? Were you hoping he would leave his wife? Do you want to tell her in the hopes she'll throw him out? She won't...they're married.

Don't expect MM to help except for CS if you have the baby. Keep reading here and TOW, you'll see how fast the MM disappears once there is a pregnancy.

I've got a great job I make more than most men I have children of my own. Raising another will not be the problem. Problem will be that if she doesn't know now, she will in 9-10 months when I take him to court for child support and that would be a blow to anyone at least she could get herself prepared for what is to come. I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I wasn't trying to get pregnant. How often does anyone plan for this? He told me he wanted to leave her and have a baby with me and boom 2 months later it happened. Now he's regretting the whole past year+ because of his own guilt now the burden is on me.

I've got a great job I make more than most men and I have children of my own. Raising another will not be the problem. Problem will be that if she doesn't know now, she will in 9-10 months when I take him to court for child support and that would be a blow to anyone at least she could get herself prepared for what is to come. I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I wasn't trying to get pregnant. How often does anyone plan for this? He told me he wanted to leave her and have a baby with me and boom 2 months later it happened. Now he's regretting the whole past year+ because of his own guilt now the burden is on me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J'sgirl:
Problem will be that if she doesn't know now, she will in 9-10 months when I take him to court for child support and that would be a blow to anyone at least she could get herself prepared for what is to come. I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I wasn't trying to get pregnant. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her marriage is none of your business. Stay out of her business.

If you're not trying to hurt anyone, then stay away from both of them. no phone calls, emails .... nada.

let your attorney handle all communications.

Be gone, out of their life .... forever.

Pep

J's girl,
first you need to look into your heart and see what will be best for you and your child. will you be able to emotionaly raise this child on your own? do you want to? i understand how abortion could not be an option, but if it is best for your emotional well being adoption is another way to go. i am an ow or a ws, i could not do an abortion, or adoption, i loved this child as soon as i knew it was there, even though it was unplanned and not the best scenario to bring a child into. but my child is so loved and so loved by everyone in her life. it was the right choice for me. to tell you the truth, it is the om's responsibility to tell his wife, but if you go for cs, she will find out the hard way. i kind of wish i had written a letter to om's wife. i know he wouldnt have liked it, but now that i see clearly , i think i would have liked to have the chance to tell her i am sorry for all the heartache i have brought to her and everyone that is effected by the choices i made and her husband made. If he is so cold that he can have an relationship with you for 18 months and than blow you away because something didnt go as he planned, oh well, hes just gonna have to realize that there are responsibilities you have to take on with the decisions you make in your life whether planned or not. i am sure if you were not pregnant he would still be having you on the side with all the fantasies he has been telling you. you both were wrong and both have a hard road to work on now. if he decides no contact and you want this baby, everyone is right, all you should expect is financial help, and maybe that is a good thing. If you are single, you still can find some one someday to love both you and your child and start a life with. a little complicated , but not as complicated as dealing with om constantly. on the other hand he may decide to have contact, and it will be rough, its hard to have your child leave you and have another woman take it into her home and love it. but if these people have good hearts and just made some terrible choices it will work out. Even though it was a horrible thing i and the om did, to all we loved, we are both good people, and we love our daughter and our families love her, and with the support of everyone its working out, we have tough times, cause i am still working on getting my marriage back on track, but its slowly chugging up that hill and someday i know i will crest that mountain and life willbe good again. i am sorry to ramble, you probably should look for a sight that will help support you and the choices you end up making if your single, this is a sight for rebuilding marriages in an a crisis involving a c. good luck and take time to think of all outcomes to all the choices you have in front of you, make sure you can live with yourself forever with what you end up doing.
love full house

Well aren't you just the thoughtfull one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Where was all this concern before? Or do you suddenly have an conscience and morals and want to do the right thing now that your relationship has shown itself for what it truly was? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Face it, this guy wants nothing to do with you and will more then likely have nothing to do with your child. He is trying to save his marriage to the woman he truly loves and is protecting her and her feelings by telling you he will phone police if you call his house again. This is harrassment. Do you want to go to jail? Pay fines? Then keep it up. Seems like when the ugly truth of your extramarital affair is close to being exposed her certainly showed where his loyalties lied. This is the truth. He want her, his marriage and not you and the oc.

So, leave this family alone. He owes you not one single thing. Child support, if the child proves to be his, but that is all. He already has commitments to his wife and family, and you have no place whatsoever in their lives.

You anger me by being here with your pathetic story. Go to support boards for the likes of people like you, there you will get support from people just like you.

This board is for married people and how they get past the mistake of infidelity and rebuild their relationships. Your fake concern for his wife is so obvious that it is almost laughable. Oh, how bad you must feel for her. I am not buying it. You are feeling bad cause you were dumped and your XMM has proven just how much you mean to him and now you want to lash out at his wife who has done nothing to you.

You are not here for advice. You are here to try and hurt more innocent women with your venom. Go to other boards, they love people like you and will support your irrational thoughts 100%

Thank you LynnG!! I was always blown away by the fact that the OW in my husband's life had absolutely no integrity when it came to destroying my marriage and sleeping with MY husband in MY bed when I was away on business KNOWING that he was married, but when it comes to pondering the question of bringing a child into this world as a result of the mess they created (SELFISH!)she was all of a sudden full of morality!! How can the same person be against abortion, but be PRO-ADULTERY?? It makes no sense to me. So I don't feel sorry for you at all. You knew what you were getting into by sleeping with and having unprotected sex with a married man. It's bullsh*t. It's all yours now...enjoy!

J'sgirl,

I'm with the majority in that you don't really belong on this board. I can let you know that respectfully, however.

I'd like you to consider this statement of yours:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've got a great job I make more than most men and I have children of my own. Raising another will not be the problem.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If raising another isn't a financial burden for you, you may want to forego any effort to collect child support at all. If you do go the child support route, you should expect that your child will spend half his/her life with the MM and his family. You may or may not like that---but once you open that can of worms, you will find that you're not the only one who can choose this. From the sheer practicality of dealing with what appears to be a bad situation AND in the interests of "what's best for the child"---if you can afford to do this on your own, then I'd suggest that you go that route.

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

J's Girl

I respectfully agree with K. If you are financially sound then perhaps you should consider raising this child without support from XMM for all the reasons stated. You would get a few hundred a month, but at what cost?

There is another forum that might suit your needs better, complete with a section devoted to OC (other child) Try www.gloryb.com for support.

X-J's girl I was struck by your use of the winking smiley faced gremlin...kinda comes across as a bit smug IMO...I agree his wife needs to know, she just doesn't need this devistating info to come from you.

j's,,,,,, i am the other 1/2 of fh. if you read here you will find that although all situations deal with children produced thru an affair. all have different circumstances surrounding them.

in your case i would agree with k and catnip.

if you do however feel that cs is a must for you then i would follow pepper's advice and allow you attorney to handle all contact.

i asked fh to seek cs for her oc. i didn't know what to expect from om but felt no matter what it was the best thing in our case. the one thing that i did not expect though was that om would actually care for oc. i thought he would try and not have the heart for it and go away. wrong!!

om does have grace for visitations and i miss her when she is gone. the good thing is that he also loves her along with his family. so she is loved by many and NO one will make her feel ashamed of her conception.

point being remember that along with cs may come visitaion. he may start visitaion just because he has to pay and wants something for his money or because he thinks it will cause you to back off. but if he faalls in love with the ckild then he may push for more and more time with him/her as the time spent with the child is part of the equation for determining cs in a lot of states.

so like catnip said consider what a few hundred bucks a month will mean in the long run.

one way for you to look at it now is that you now realize that you were involved with a guy that when the chips are all on the table doesn't give a hoot about you. is that the kind of father you want for you children. remember if he is involved with this child he will have influence on all the others also.

hello--wake up--big difference between the big A and an abortion,, one is not killing your husband (Im sure some have died from too much sex), but the other definately is killing a human life. And you can definately have morals, and a conscience---doesnt your husband have those?? Remember we are human, we do make mistakes, if we were perfect we wouldnt be here discussing this. and maybe some of us came to the wrong board, maybe we didnt know where else to go, hateful notes dont help anyone. Sometimes I wonder why some people do post when its always sounds so angry and hateful. Especially when their own lives are suppose to be so hunky-dory. I wish I could see more constructive help, not grounding someone in the dirt, life is hard enough, help give direction, help lives get turned around to the good, help show that your life can be fullfilling once again. Sorry but I cant believe all these husbands were such sorrowful creatures that these women overpowered them and forced themselves upon them. And I do believe they shouldnt be allowed to hide behind the skirts of their wives and not own up to their responsibilities--if they make a child and its born help support that child--it doesnt matter if the ow is a millionaire--its his responsibility also. He plays around, sometimes this is the consequence, its just a sad part of life, I would think if he can hide this from his family, it would be easy for him to keep on playing around.

Ok fullhouse. I've had it!!!!!

Who responds with anger even though their lives are "hunky-dory"?

LynnG? Me?

Although a catholic and fearing being banned from here....abortion IS a solution.

The way I see it, an unborn child who never knew what we know is not a viable human.

It's the way I SEE IT.

I interpret God's saying "I knew you before you were born" as talking to someone who IS here now and able to understand the words he/she reads.

Women and men who come here at first are in intolerable pain, fullhoue.

Your own husband was.

To compare an affair with the murder of ones spouse though is a huge metaphor. For it is exactly how it feels!

I do not care if you won't let Grace be ashamed of her conception pops! She will feel it without any help for sure.

Yes fullhouse you anger me because you still have "ow mentality"

Hiding behind the wifes skirts?

PHULLLEEZZZEEE!!!

You have never once answered me, not once, while your ailing husband has.

I meant all the good I was trying to do for you two! I wanted a counsel session and a hotel/motel room for you two to get back on track!

Forget it now.

Everything you say here smacks of an ow who is still smitten with the idea that a child produced in this manner has all the rights.

Frankly I'm sick of it.

~sigh~
Ok, I'm history with trying to help you.

Go in peace and I'll live my hunky-dory life.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Debi

gem,

What the heck ticked you off. Fullhouse's response was a veiled reference to ShouldITry's not very sensible tirade:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can the same person be against abortion, but be PRO-ADULTERY??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's just not a very well thought out response. And the rest of fullhouse's response ("hiding behind wife's skirts") was a veiled attack on my suggestion that this woman not pursue CS. While I suppose that you can take that in anger, I feel sorry for fullhouse---she appears to still be in depression, angry at herself, and trying to extract revenge from the OM.

The bottom line is child support is not a punishment that is dealt on men (or women) who have illicit affairs and get pregnant. It's supposed to be a means to help support a child who may need it (we don't need to discuss how pathetically this can fail in the US court system).

J'sgirl---if you don't need the economic support for this child, then I suggest that you not pursue it. It will certainly save you plenty of further headaches and heartaches down the line.

K ,
That not very sensible tirade was a wounded spouse that was venting just as I did 3 years ago!

"these women overpowered them and forced themselves on them"

I take great exception to. GREAT.

CS should be had by anyone needing help. Granted.

I do not feel sorry for fullhouse.

I took offense to almost her whole post.

I am also tired of offering her help in a sincere manner and getting no response from her, not ever.

Also when she said it's hard for your child to leave and have another woman love her! Just like ow said to me and H only ours went to great lengths to keep us away.

It was for the best as we see it now. No involvement from op is always better for a marriage to rebuild.

She( fullhouse) smacks of an ow...oh! wait! She was one.
Sorry K, I guess you just don't see what I'm trying to say.

Debi

no, i dont see what you are trying to say, and yes i am ow to om's wife. i never did say anything to you in my last post. you are only seeing what you want to see, not even reading what i am writing, nothing was noted to you. the last person who wrote before i did, stated that all morals and decency and conscience are gone because of the a. that is a false statement. otherwise there would be no one on the face of the earth with either. and a child is a child in God's eyes--yes before it is even conceived, he knows . And yes in the Christian beliefs it is murder, and i am sorry i dont think anyone should have to live with that decision. Yes A is a great sin, it should never happen, but a human life has not been taken, it can mend, you can not mend the death of a child. i did not say anything in anger, you can interpret anyway you like, but it would be nice if you can read my words for how i intended them to be read, this is my interpretation. i feel both guilty parties should be responsible for their actions. i dont think it is right for one to pretend nothing ever happened and to go on fooling himself. yes my om had many A,and his wife knew of a few. I have never harrassed him or his family, as i have said the contact has always been by him. yes we have cs requested by my husband. and om and his family have settled, i never asked him to be part of our daughters life , that was their decision, and yes it was hard, but it is working out. we went back to court so that he could lower his cs payments, which was om's request,i had no control overwhat he paid, that was up to the court, it was lowered and i did not fight it. i have been very cordial in all requests. and i will always believe that the adults will always influence children in the ways they feel and think, that is why our child and children do not have problems with the way grace entered this world. i am sure you can all decide for yourselves how you want your influence to effect your childrens lives, that is your personal decisions, that is yourchoice. i am doing well thank you very much. and i am sorry you felt i didnt respond to you. i must have been mistaken when i thought pops spoke to you for both of us. i do apologize. it is rare that i am even given the chance to be on the computer, with all the people in our household, and the hours i am gone, most of the time pops is relaying messages to me of whats been written and he than responds. You know even though it was before we were married, pops and i had been dating and living together off and on for six years, he cheated on me many times, and i wish someone would have let me know, instead of being the fool-that is how i felt when i found out. So i guess that is just my ow's thoughts. not out to do anything but relay how i feel, yes one paticular poster does get onmy nerves, cause in my heart i feel she appears to want to stir the pot--but its not you. I have found out alot about myself lately, and i am a very beautiful person on the inside, i have morals, christian beliefs, pride, a conscience, im caring and concerned for others. My life I have always welcomed everyone into my life with love and friendship, never cared about race, religion , ethnic background as long as you were a good decent person. I am not going to let this bring me down, I am not thatperson I was fora short period of time, God has forgiven me, my family has, even om is ok, I have forgiven myself. So forward I go to a better person, that just wishes others would look at the words and listen to how i say them,dont try to read between the lines, there is nothing there, no hidden message, i am saying what i mean, dont twist the words out of context. I am not your ow, I am not your ws, I am just a woman trying to rebuild her life into something better. Thought I could share my thoughts, but if you feel they are not worth listening to , i will understand. thank you.

j'sgirl,

you have just written pretty much what happened with my H and his ow. Except my H opted for contact and I opted for him to get OUT.
I can tell you that you have pi**ed me off. Because your little story sounds so much like the little manipulating witch that my H was with.
Let's get real here you are mad you are hurt you are not the special person to him you thought you were. What the heck did you expect? He is married! He was just playing with you! You are unimportant to the big picture of his life. Sorry that's just the way it is.
I will tell you what I told H xow "A woman with enough sense to lay down with a married man wants to raise a child on her own, and she wants to be talked about and she wants to be harrassed and she wants to be made to feel like nothing."
As the BS I can say we feel like nothing for a while, but that ends a little at a time as we see that you were not important and that they are willing to give up everything to be with us.
I personally feel that the ow shouldn't ask for anything from MM because she not only knew of the circumstances, she participated in the demise of her dignity, respect and rights as a woman having a child.
Please make no mistake, your selfishness is not the childs fault and when it gets here you can revel in telling the c why h/s has no dad or why the dad has been M for so and so years and h/s is just so and so old. Please don't sugarcoat that just breeds more trouble be real explain how devastating living in sin is. Since you didn't protect yourself protect them.
And for fullhouse and all of the others with this moral delima about abortion---You should never partake it is murder---but sin is sin if you are a christian then you should now that--and you should never partake in an A, now obviously one has something to do with the other on this board, but I have to give my opinion which is do not compound sin God forgives everything but for your sake and the sake of your child don't compound it.
Ask yourself what fruitful can come of this. If you can think of something then share it.
I know every child needs a dad I know that every child deserves a dad, but what have you done to ensure that they will have one. I agree with whoever said that all of the responsibility is on the woman in any situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />