</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by needtomoveon:
But believe it or not these mm make promises they don't keep.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The key word here is MM ---> MARRIED MAN. Yes, I believe you, they make promises in order to get laid. Then they break their promises. Perhaps we women might recognize that the very first clue about some man NOT being a very good promise keeper is that he is currently MARRIED and thus is already good at breaking his promises.

Sleeping with a MM means sleeping with a promise breaker. Seems like a no-brainer to me!!!

If women had respect for marriage .... there would be no OW and no OC broken hearts.

If men kept their promises, they would not be cheating on their wives.

And .... visa versa .....

Children suffer from ADULTS not having respect for marriage vows and family obligations.

OW who sleep with liars cannot expect truthful and beautiful outcomes.

And again, visa versa.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by needtomoveon:

So if she can't afford an attorney to tell the Wife, she will do it. It's her only defense.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm completely lost here NTMO. Her "only defense"...?

What is she defending exactly?

Is she in harm's way somehow?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hello, not everyone gets pregnant on purpose. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats a very CHILDISH and uninformed statement! Thats what they make contraceptives for! You sound very bitter towards the wives of cheating men. We are all quite sure the wife will find out sooner or later but for the OW to call her AFTER the MM decided he wanted to stop playing house with her is a bit QUESTIONABLE to say the least! She is doing it out of the kindness of her heart or to be spiteful. Spiteful to a woman who did nothing to hurt her in the least. Like I said nothing beats a women scorn. She should not be contacting the wife or the OM. Let the courts handle him!

I am a BS whose WS's affair resulted in an OC. I had spoken to the OW once over the phone. I asked if she and my WS were sexually involved. She said "Most definitely". I told her that I wasn't looking to cause trouble, just wanted to make a good decision to take care of myself as best I could. Well, now I know that OW was about six months pregnant with OC at the time of my call. She never mentioned it. I wish she had. It might have helped me make a decision much quicker to better protect myself and make a decision about continuing or ending my marriage. Not that it was her responsibility, but it would have been helpful to have that information sooner.

Ha Ha I have loved this! Sorry that you had an affair with a MARRIED man. I really dont understand how people could have affairs! My relationship has never been great. I have had a guy try to get me under his spell. He had me there for awhile slowly. I thought yeah, our relationship isnt the best. This guy really cares. And then when we got close enought and kissed. It felt good, BUT---I knew it was wrong! I thought of what I would feel like if he knew what I was doing! I got out!!!!! I actually thought of what would happen and how everyone around me would feel. Why cant other people like you have that feeling. Im sorry for what I did. But what my husband did is unforgivable. What you did is unforgivable. Talk about going way to far!!! You never considered anyone elses feeling but your own. How selfish is that! Dont bother the OW! She does need to know though! Dirty dogs cant be set free! Neither can dirty b*tches!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by needtomoveon:

So if she can't afford an attorney to tell the Wife, she will do it. It's her only defense.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm completely lost here NTMO. Her "only defense"...?

What is she defending exactly?

Is she in harm's way somehow?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep: I re read that and said what? Uh what I meant is, she probally feels she up against a wall here. She probally feels it's her only defense to tell the wife in order to make her xmm keep his promises. I can speak from experience here on that one. What she has to figure out thoug is she doing this for revenge or becasue the mm is strining her along and the outcome is not going to be good? More than likely it's for revenge. When I was going to have my DNA test done, which xmm begged me to do through amino, I made the date and all the arrangements. I gave him a 4 week notice on this. Told him that since they want to do the amino that is covered by insurance, the only part to be paid is the DNA itself. He ignored me up until after my appointment with that doctor. I was so pissed at him. He asked me for this. I considered letting his wife know, but I had to figure out why I wanted her to know. I knew it was because he was not going through with is word, but I also knew it was for my own satisfaction. So I just let it go. He now has one more chance to do this amino in December. If he chooses again NOT to do this, then he can help pay for my medical expenses. He already knows that unless he steps up to the plate to take responsibilty that my stbxh will divorce me now and my medical insurance will stop. I have no choice but have an attorney negotiate with him now. He would be half responsible for all my medical costs once paternity is proven and I've got to have a c- section and I'm very hight risk with a 2 vessel cord. But that is what I meant by defense. I hope I clarified that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying2_4give:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hello, not everyone gets pregnant on purpose. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats a very CHILDISH and uninformed statement! Thats what they make contraceptives for! You sound very bitter towards the wives of cheating men. We are all quite sure the wife will find out sooner or later but for the OW to call her AFTER the MM decided he wanted to stop playing house with her is a bit QUESTIONABLE to say the least! She is doing it out of the kindness of her heart or to be spiteful. Spiteful to a woman who did nothing to hurt her in the least. Like I said nothing beats a women scorn. She should not be contacting the wife or the OM. Let the courts handle him! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">trying, I'm not bitter. In fact I've never had a d-day. She knows nothing. I don't like her, but never liked her before the Affair. She's mean. She's not my problem though. I do however have seen what a horrible mistake I've made through all this and know that even though I don't like her, she had absolutely nothing to do with our actins (mm and myself). She and her kids are innocent in this. In fact even though I never brought my kids into this, they are innocent as well. I made a huge mistake and I've got a baby from it that I did NOT plan to have. I was done having kids. I had been working on other things in my life now that my kids were older. Because of what I went through to have my twins I felt like I was betraying God by doing anything but have my baby and raising her. I knew from Day one Gut feeling that mm would dump me and I'd raise her by myself. I was right. I only expect from him to do what he said he would do which by the way is the law. He'd have to do the DNA anyway. He should not however make a man who has nothing to do with this, and has lived seperate from me for almost 2 years responsible and go through dna test etc., just to by himself some more time. It would be very easy for me to spill the beans, but have never done it. I have agreed that the ow should not be the bearer of bad news. This is going to be devasting. But when business needs to be taken care of, sometimes the ow has no choice. The bs already hates her for her actins right? The xmm already hates her for the outcome of this right? If it can be put off until court can do the work great, but sometimes that is not the case. I hope I have uh cleared things up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by needtomoveon:

So if she can't afford an attorney to tell the Wife, she will do it. It's her only defense.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm completely lost here NTMO. Her "only defense"...?

What is she defending exactly?

Is she in harm's way somehow?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep: I re read that and said what? Uh what I meant is, she probally feels she up against a wall here. She probally feels it's her only defense to tell the wife in order to make her xmm keep his promises. I can speak from experience here on that one. What she has to figure out thoug is she doing this for revenge or becasue the mm is strining her along and the outcome is not going to be good? More than likely it's for revenge. When I was going to have my DNA test done, which xmm begged me to do through amino, I made the date and all the arrangements. I gave him a 4 week notice on this. Told him that since they want to do the amino that is covered by insurance, the only part to be paid is the DNA itself. He ignored me up until after my appointment with that doctor. I was so pissed at him. He asked me for this. I considered letting his wife know, but I had to figure out why I wanted her to know. I knew it was because he was not going through with is word, but I also knew it was for my own satisfaction. So I just let it go. He now has one more chance to do this amino in December. If he chooses again NOT to do this, then he can help pay for my medical expenses. He already knows that unless he steps up to the plate to take responsibilty that my stbxh will divorce me now and my medical insurance will stop. I have no choice but have an attorney negotiate with him now. He would be half responsible for all my medical costs once paternity is proven and I've got to have a c- section and I'm very hight risk with a 2 vessel cord. But that is what I meant by defense. I hope I clarified that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So.... effectively, you were really answering about your OWN situation, not the poster who started this thread.

I think it ig good to realize how much your personal pain and abandonment effect your posting here. Perhaps it would be more benificial to you to answer in the first person if you are using your experience to make a point.

You feel undefended and vulnerable. Don't you?

Don't you think it's weird that, for awhile, you considered *tattling* on MM to his wife in order for her to push him to do what you wanted him to do.

Can you appreciate how bizarre this is? You say you dislike MM's wife, but yet you considered going through her to get MM to do the "right thing".

"to tell the wife in order to make her xmm keep his promises."

THINK about this .... what does your sentence say about the actual dynamics of the affair relationship!!! The wife is part of the relationship .... a key player, even in her ignorance and innocence. How bizarre!

I must comment, it always make my skin crawl when anyone writes "MY MM" .... as if there is some level of ownership. There is none, as is obvious from the need to have the wife intervene in the OW's behalf.

I prefer "the MM' or "this MM" to "my MM'....

Saying "my" keeps the fantasy alive.

I believe in the power of words. We can change our perspective when we change the words that reflect reality .... not fantasy or wishful thinking.

Good luck with this pregnancy and your upcomming blessed event.

Love,

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by DAW:
Im sorry for what I did. But what my husband did is unforgivable. What you did is unforgivable.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THere is always forgiveness possible. Without that, life would be unbearable.

Learning to forgive what has hurt us the most, is a huge step in spiritual maturity. It's very, very difficult. And THAT difficulty allows a person's soul to grow to a whole new level.

Love,

Pep

I have to wonder if "child support" were not available to unwed mothers just how many of these children would actually be conceived out of marriage? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WFlower, I would say the same. It was more of a secret though back when it was not available. I've met several adults that have been the other child.

Pep your right about the power of words. Please understand when explaining sometimes it is easier to say my mine etc. Also, no matter the circumstances when your in a relationship for some amount of time there seems even if not really to be some sort of ownership there especially if one of the parties is expecting the mine me, etc. I know the xmm in my life expected me to be his very own enjoyment.
Yes it is bizzare on the wife thing. Very bizzare. It was almost like well this is going to really piss her off and he'll have no choice but to take the test for her benifit. And in a timely manner. Like I said though, you have to figure out if it's revenge or because the xmm is being a coward and hiding. I know I had recourse in my situation, but there was no way I was going to hurt an entire family with this. But in my circumstances, he will have to take this test and it's to his benifit to do so. He is the father, and will be half responsible for all my medical cost even if it's not fair, and if he does his part the cost will be much cheaper for both of us. I'm not asking for him to pay any of my medical costs and have not asked him for a dime towards anything. I am choosing to keep this child and won't ask for any medical expenses out of my pocket for me. Not all ow are out for blood, money and to suck the life out of the bs and her family and kids.

BTW flower, the child support is for the child, not the mother. I get cs for my twins and believe me it costs me way more than my cs monthly payment. Regardless of the circumstances of the child, the child is innocent just as any child is innocent in this world.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by needtomoveon:

Pep your right about the power of words. Please understand when explaining sometimes it is easier to say my mine etc. Also, no matter the circumstances when your in a relationship for some amount of time there seems even if not really to be some sort of ownership there especially if one of the parties is expecting the mine me, etc.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand "easier" .... but, nevertheless, innacurate.

For example, if I spend lots of time with your daughter, I might start lovingly refering to her as "MY friend's daughter", or, if I was involved in a bizzare fantasy relationship with your child , I might take ownership and refer to her as "MY daughter" .... wouldn't that creep you out? (aside: that snipper currently on trial refered to his teenage accomplice as "My son" .... very creepy)

I think it is useful for recovering OW's to refer to XMM as W's H (wife's husband) ..... because no matter how intense the feelings were, the reality is ..... he is some other woman's husband.

See, I think that the reference to "my MM' makes it easier to accept an unholy relationship! Saying he is another woman's husband, makes the stinging point that there is sin and deceit and betrayal at the core of the relationship. The relationship is contaminated by it's very nature.... at the start. There is no sense to pretend otherwise.

I am not harranging you, but trying to assist you in your recovery.

You are doing quite well for where you are on your timeline, but I see YOUR bitterness towards MM's wife .... as a hinderence to YOUR recovery! Liking her is not the issue ..... you should *love* her ..... whether or not you like her personality. If you had loved her as a sister, you would have saved yourself, MM, his wife, their children .... a boatload of pain. Not to mention your children's pain.

Love her, even against your will.

If you can manage this love for her and respect for marriage as a holy bond (and this takes time and humility) YOUR recovery will take giant steps.

Love,

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J'sgirl:
<strong>...Raising another will not be the problem. Problem will be that if she doesn't know now, she will in 9-10 months when I take him to court for child support and that would be a blow to anyone at least she could get herself prepared for what is to come. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree with you that the BS not knowing is the problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J'sgirl:
<strong>...He told me he wanted to leave her and have a baby with me and boom 2 months later it happened. Now he's regretting the whole past year+ because of his own guilt now the burden is on me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's the problem! He LIED to you!

Time to get on with your life and let him deal with his marriage in his own way. He has asked you not to call his house. What part of that don't you understand?

Just because his "truths" don't make sense to you doesn't mean you are owed any explanation!

Quit trying to figure out the lies of a WS--even their own spouses can't figure out a WS' lies!

Since you say you singly make enough money to support yet another child, move on with your life and make a good life for your kids--as good a life as you can without the emotional support of a loving father. At least, until such time that you can find a good man who is up for the challenge of raising other men's kids.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Pep, very good points taken. It is very true that you are not to hate anyone and I'm sure if I would of loved her inspite of the traits of her personailty I would of thought otherwise of the affair with xmm. I went to counsel with my minister and he also told me I had to pray to forgive the xmm for his actions towards this as well. I've learned all kinds of humility through this. More so than in my entire life. It's not over yet either. When she finds out this is all going to happen all over again. It's like I've had a d-day without the d-day. Thanks for your words Pep, I don't feel like your harrasing me.....like you said it's all in how you say it.

Answering WFLOWER's question, there is no question that i would still have my child, i could care less if i got a dime or if om ever was involved in her life, i wanted her from day one-that was all. so to me cs never mattered.
full house

I'll second what FH has stated. I don't get CS from XMM for the kids. Could care less. I love them to death and the money from XMM is the last thing that matters.

OKay, back to the topic at hand....

J's Girl---Is "j" the married man, the father of your child???? If that is true the fact the you even chose this as your screen name shows that you want to hurt hima nd his family. NOt just to let the ohter spouse know. WHATEVER! Guess what? If he is threatning to call the police on you, YOU"RE NOT HIS GIRL! He has chosen to stay with his wife. Live with it. If you do choose to go after him for CS, they will want to be a part of the child's life, most people would. NOt to mention that when the time comes his wife is going to make sure that your child knows exactly what you did and it puts the child in t asituation that is not pretty. If you do have the financil resources and insit on keeping the baby...leave the other family alone. It will only make a bad sitauaioln worse. You will not get him back by doing so. You will only make him "J" angrier and make him and the spouse resent ful of your child. Where is the father of your other children? Really if this is in your nature and you sound like it happens to you quite often, maybe you should get yourself sterilized! You know, this has me going, this really is not the polace for you to post, however I would like to know your response.

I hate what this affair has done to me. THis isn;t my personality, right now any OW is a prime target!