I just want to say - I do still lurk although I don't post because of Miss Taylor, who by the way just turned 1 on the 27th!

Since D-Day, WH & I have still been having some problems, mainly over the inclusion of OC. During the time we were waiting for the OC to be born, WH was seriously depressed, as was I and we never made any true headway to recovery. Since at D-Day I was about a month out before the arrival of Miss Taylor so all of my feelings have been devoted to being a good mom.

Now - I feel like we really have to address some critical issues. WH is involved with OC. He babysits for exOW since she works the third shift (Wed & Thurs). But he does not do so at our home. I am still very hurt by it all and want NOTHING to do with OC. I resent them both for being so selfish and causing utter chaos in my life. The problem is that WH wants our D & OC to grow up together. To him it's not fair that they can't know they have a sister. Well - I want no part of it because it doesn't involve a mutal agreement between me, H & ex-OW. He thinks he's the only person with a say. He say ex-OW has no problem with Taylor & OC playing together. She's only mad at him for lying to her. Me on the other hand - I'm mad at them both. H - for lying to me about ex-OW and ex-OW for not having common sense to ask the man if he was in fact getting divorced and again for them both being stupid and neither of them having the resources for caring for a child. (At the time, H had JUST started a new job, that I helped him land and ex-OW made a piddly sum working part-time) I feel shafted because I have a decent job that I pick up all the responsibilities while WH scrapes together what he can to help out.

At any rate - I'm still really, really upset. WH & I are at a deadlock because he wants to include OC more & I don't want that right now because I'm too angry. H is also upset because he can lose either way. He wants to be involved but ex-OW is wanting to move across the country (she doesn't like it here, as most folks from the West Coast don't like the South) and I am close to saying - ya know - I just want a divorce so I can at least find happiness. I should also add that I am so ashamed! I just hate the thought of people knowing about this! (Might I add I work in a very political environment and while I know I'm the innocent, it still sucks).

Sigh - I just don't know what to do. We had an hour long talk about this a little while ago and I just can't make heads or tails of it all. I always feel like I have to give up everything to appease him. I just want for once him to say - lets do something here we can both live with. But the awful reality is - what if I can't live with that either?

Vee

Vee,

You two really need to be in marriage counseling with someone like the Harley's (I highly recommend Steve and Jenn---888-639-1639 for appointments), to learn how to use the Policy of Joint Agreement and negotiation techniques to safely repair your marriage. Are you doing any counseling? If so, what have the results been?

K-
We have tried, but with no success. We started last year with a great new counselor, but my H during the entire time in counseling lied that he was involved with an OW. While he CLAIMS, the C helped him, he went for about 3 months and lied the entire time. So - no luck there.

I did continue to see the C on an individual basis, and it helped tremendously. Just I have a real problem forgiving my H (I know, not very Christian like) for lying to me during that time. My focus with my IC during that time was to deal with my depression so it wouldn't turn into a serious postpartum issue. I have not called my IC back this month to schedule an appt, because I'm reviewing some of the things we did in counseling to help me now. After I posted this, I talked to my best friend and I realized that I need to work on my resentment because even if we don't work out, it is a tremendous load to carry. I'm on my way to bed in a little bit with my study bible & my good ole Harley stuff to sort through some things.

In the meantime, I'll talk to H later to acknowledge this issue but also remind him that he has work to do as well. My H just isn't receptive to counseling again. I can ask him, but when this all exploaded last year I told him that he needed to go back to C. He said no. The C even recommended another C to see him for IC if he felt to akward discussing it in a joint appt. My H has never taken him up on it.

To be honest - I really feel like my H wants me to just walk away. He is very non-confrontational (his A's usually are way to escape his problems). He won't answer any direct questions about what HE wants. If he told me this second - Vee, I can't be what you want, we need to file because I can't see myself ever being happy & I don't want this for you. I'd say ok, because this has just gone on too long and I don't think he can actually rebound from this.

As far as negotiation - I told him that we needed to have some mutal agreement between all parties - he said that he should make those decisions. Ummm - No, ex-Ow has to be involved in any discussion about what happens with her D. As much as I dislike the woman, I'd never say well OC has to do this and that's that. If OC needed XYZ, then it should be taken into account as well. He just thinks he should have divine say and I don't agree. I also wonder if this isn't some attempt to do that - I'm a man, I have no say, it's not fair stunt. I had to remind him that criminals don't get to pick their punishment and he doesn't get the right to call the shots.

This is just really frustrating when he won't participate in C. I think he could use it big time but I know if I ask him again he'll just say no.

Thanks for taking the time to respond K. I really value your input.

Vee

Vee, maybe you can do a session with the Harleys on your own for now. They are fabulous in counseling and know what to try in these situations.

You and H seem at a stand-off right now. The fact that he won't negotiate with you on how to handle oc is not good. He is dismissing your feelings and expecting too much. A taker, if you will. Also the communication with ow must stop.

If you continue this way nothing will ever be solved and resentment will take over.

How wonderful Taylor is one already! Time sure flies.

Whatever you decide, blessings to you.

love
Debi

Vee,

I would encourage you to give the Harley's a call, and see if you can get some input. In fact, I'd let your husband know that you want to do this, and see if he'd participate (some people find the phone counseling easier and more convenient).

How would you feel about asking your husband to leave (Plan B) until he's willing to work on the marriage as more of a partnership? I don't see a lot of good for you to Plan A---it's pretty clear that your husband's independent behaviors are killing your love for him. You need to take care of this situation soon---once you think that divorce is a good idea, your marriage will likely be over---your husband is unlikely to lead a recovery effort.