It has only been 2 weeks that my WH has been in NC with OW . He of course has been going through major withdrawals ,stating he wants to really try to work on our M but he just doesn't know if he can stick to this plan ,because He misses her and feels like he has to pretend she is dead.Went to MC last night and talked for a long time after, came to the decision that we both wanted to work on M.Today everything came crashing in again.OW called H to say she is pregnant.OW will be 19 in dec.was a former employee of ours ,knows our children ages 16,15,12.Now my H says he doesn't want to feel forced ,he didn't get the chance to try with us. I don't know where this is heading I am still in shock. I don't know where I want to be ,how can it work to recover a M with this added to it. I am so confused. He doesn't want to abandon her he says. I just don't know, it really does seem like a nightmare I wish I could just wake up.

Whoa!

Your H got an 18 year old former employee pregnant .... and your children are 16,15 and 12 ....!!!!

Gawd, what a mess.

What kind of man is he?

Here are his current choices:

1.Saving his marriage relationship with you and the relationship with his 3 teenage children.

vs

2. A relationship with a girl 2 years younger than his child who may or may not be pregnant with his child.

Do you have family members around to hold you during these very dark days ahead?

Does your WH have a father figure who can counsel your H?

I cannot imagine the terror you feel right now.

Get support from your family. You're gonna need more than WH can provide.

If the teens know about this, they may start acting out.

Get help and support. Your Mom, or sister or auntie .... or your father ..... ask for their support.

YOU speak to an attorney. See what you can do to protect yourself and your kids.

if she was a former employee, you might have an even larger financial disaster ahead of you .... sexual harassment ..... just keep on your toes.

Don't do this in isolation.

Get help.

I am so sorry.

Your H is a major fool .... don't trust promises he makes right now. He's lost his mind.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Pep

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

You really need to talk to a lawyer about this. Maybe pre-paid legal. I just joined over my whole stupid situation my husband has put me in. You need to get someone who can protect you and your childeren. You dont know how this be headed down the road. Protect yourself. It sucks that people can be so stupid and selfish to the person that they were meant to be with forever. Never doubt your feelings and seek some help!
Good luck! My heart is with you!

Dear cmdp

God how I hate to read these new postings from Newbies (that's you). It's so heartwrenching to see another going through something so horrible as this is. But, you have come to the right place and we welcome you and will be here for you.

First of all, we have all been where you are right now. Most of us are into recovery, some of us for several years. But we all remember well those first hideous months/years. There are some suggestions and information that might help you get through this.

Read everything you can on this site. You need to understand that your husband is confused and might be distancing himself from you right now because he might think he is emotionally hooked into OW. If he hasn't had contact for a couple of weeks, then he will continue to go through a kind of withdrawal for another couple months or so. It usually takes about six months of steady NC before he can think more clearly and end the emotional attachment.

Some of the things you can expect is the distancing and moodiness. He might become hypersexual with you (and you with him) as couples often feel compelled to reclaim each other and their marriage this way. One moment he will be completely commited to you and the marriage and the next he will push you away and become indecisive about where his allegiance is. He really doesn't know how he feels, but he probably thinks way too much damage has been done to the marriage and that you will never be able to forgive him and that the marriage will never recover form a blow of this magnitude. But, he is wrong.

If you learn and work the Harley principles within your marriage incorporating the Policy of Joint Agreement (where nothing is done or any decision made without the other partner's ethusiastic agreement), lear and live the Rules of Honesty and Protection and immediately begin a whole hearted Plan A, you may be able to salvage the marriage, if this is what you want. The lion's share of the burden in recovery usually lands on the shoulders of the Betrayed Spouse inn the beginning...only God knows why this is true, but it is.

Another thing to consider is to not make any life altering decisions for at least six months after a shock like this because it might be something you end up regretting. Too many life altering events, out of your control, are taking place right now for you, so my advice is to hold tough because right now you are in shock, perhaps denial and you are completely raw and devastated. This is something you cannot believe could ever have happened to you and to your marriage and now you are living the worst possible thing that can happen in a marriage.

What happened to me was that my husband had a very short A (6 weeks) and pregnancy resulted. My husband ended the A and came home as soon as he found out the XOW was pregnant. The shock and trauma of a pregnancy usually slaps the spouse back into reality and it wakes them up to the damage they have caused and it is often something they can't face because it effects so many people and they know what they have done is far worse than fun and games, and that what they have done has real consequences.

My husband came home wanting to work on the mariage on a good day, then suddenly thinking he should leave me and go to her because of obligation and guilt. Then he would feel obligation and guilt to me and our family and would change his mind. During this period, they are a mess. They are scared and confused and incapable of making any decisions because of all the people involved.

It took us a long time to get into a full and complete recovery because of other circumstances we were dealing with that hampered our recovery, but if we could do it, anyone could. We had so many issues and outside problems it was as if the gods were against our recovery, we looked far more like a lost cause than a possiblity.

Another thing to consider is to file for legal separation and for Child Support for your own children so that when and if there is an OC, your children will be protected financially. Until the DNA results come in, your husband should not pay any money as doing so could be seen as an admission of guilt by some courts.

Finally, it could be that this OW is not pregnant and it could be that if she is, your husband might not be the father. It has happened three times here that I know of where someone thought their OW was pregnant (and she wasn't) and that the OC was their husbands and DNA finally came back negative. It can and does happen.

I know this feels like the end of the world as you know it...and it is. But, it is not the end of your world or the end of your marriage..unless this is something you just can't live with. The GOOD news is that couples can and do recover from this (as unbelievable as it may sound) and often the marriages not only recover, but are far better than they ever were before. I know that sounds ridiculous that anything good can come out of this, but many here have found that their marriage not only survived, but thrives.

It is a strange phenomenon that on this particluar site, that the success rate of recovery is greater here than on General for people who are experiencing infidelity only. I think (and this is just my perspective) that one of the reasons is that discovery of a pregnancy throws ice water on any glamour and excitement and immediately destroys any emotional ties (real or imaignary) to the OP becaue of the huge trauma and destruction and impending doom. It just snaps people back into reality like nothing else can. Once your husband makes a decision of where he wants to be (my money is on you), he will eventually begin making an effort to rebuild the marriage with you. Until then, you will have a tough time facing these challenges pretty much by yourself...that's why this site is so crucial for Newbies at Discovery (D-day) because otherwise you would feel completely alone.

It is also recommended that you take some time to examine your husband's emotional needs (EN's) as well as your own and make an attmept to meet these EN's in each other to learn how to affair proof your marriage. All this informaiton is available either by reading everything on this site or reading Dr. Harley's books. To jump start this process, it might not hurt to consider calling Dr. Harley and making a telephone couseling session together ...it might help clear your head and his. He's so good at what he does and can reach people in their fog.

You have some hard things to think about even while you are grieving, but you have this site and all these people to help you through this. Let us know more about you.

God bless and comfort you

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

cmdp,
Catnip pretty much summed it all up. Do read her words and try to find some comfort there knowing this can be a trying time but it is not without hope.

Besides the wonderful advice, pray for the way you should go. It will be hard but God hasn't forgotten you.

Please do not file for a divorce just yet, let things calm down. My attorney told me not to call her back for at least 6 months, or until I regained my composure about the shocking news.

Come here any time you want. We'll help you through.

love
Debi

Thank you all for your support. Just to fill you in a little more of my situation. Emotional attachment started right away when she started working for us Feb.2002 but PA started in Jan. The buisness we had was going under, it closed end of Feb. Left us in a big financial situation that is still not right yet. To let you know how bad, we might lose our house, we are working to save it but the bank can force us to sell to pay off the loan. My H was out of work for a few moths after buisness closed. All we have is debt right now, thank God I have a good job.I found out about this A in march,H said they only had sex once during that time but now that they wern't seeing each other daily it was driving him crazy. He left in May for 5 weeks ,to "sort this out"was seeing her then. H came back home ,couldn't leave me & kids. Problem was he always kept contact by phone. And as you now this can't happen. It didn't matter how hurt or what I said ,H was in denial. Ow ended up coming to see H in Oct at work ,then showed up at daughters swim meet ,where he left with her and had sex (which this is when she got pregnant) I found out he saw her because I had a phone recorder and had the conversation on tape. Confroted him, made him leave, in one week of not seeing me he told Ow they could not be together. Told me he really wanted to try, didn't want to lose me .Brings us to current NC for 2 weeks and now this She went to Dr, is definetly pregant. Told her Parents. They called my H ,called his work ,left a message that they wouldn't do buisness with a place that had a manager that got a 17 year old girl pregnant.(she isn't 17) Father threaten H to stay away will make his life miserable, get him fired no matter where he works. Ow still calling H ,she just wants him and needs him badly right now of course the icing on the cake is the babies due date, my H birthday! H feeling horrible(which he should) but he almost sounded suicidal last night. I know he created this mess, I do not hate OW ,I do not hate my H My problem is I always think of others and feel bad. I know she is scared I am too. I would be willing to even talk to her. I told my H if he really wants to be with her -go. He doesn't want to leave his kids and knows he won't be able to lose me. But he doesn't want to abandon her .I am willing to have contact with oc,but know it is too much of a threat to have contact with her. H is still in fog of A ,doesn't realize yet that it was just a fantasy. I really need someone to talk to who has been in this situation. I feel so desperate - everything is falling apart.Please help.

Plan A was designed for this foggy situation. No LB's. A truly trying time on BS with usually good results however it takes time and patience.

Please get some sort of counseling.

You have a tough road ahead of you until your H realizes what he has done and comes out of the fog.

Both of your emotions will not be in control right now. Your H is just as frightened as you. Plan A but do not agree to any thing you are not comfortable with just yet.

Prayer to you.

love
Debi

I have read Dr Harleys books and a few others.I have been doing plan A and honestly no LB's .The problem is first I guess we need to find out what she is going to do, but now that my H is talking again to her ,it is bothering me, all the rules seem to have changed. He says he can't just abandon her, her parents told her if she keeps the baby she has to leave the house ,they are pushing her to abort. But these private conversations are not right ,should I tell him he can talk only when I am present or not at all? how do the rules of NC apply now when he needs to know what is happening. How can he be truly devoted to working on our relationshop when she is still in the picture. I was going to talk to her ,I don't know if this is a good idea. I have been understanding ,maybe to much. Maybe I should just have freaked out and told him to leave. Some people I talk to think I should just walk away now, say I don't deserve this, can't understand why I would even want to stay, they say who cares about her look what shes done. Its hard to hear these things,they make me feel like there must be something wrong with me. I am not a hateful person, but I also do not want to be a ddormat. We do go to MC,( we both agree we do not connect very good with), I haven't called yet to tell him the latest. We also go to IC which we have both spoken to ourselves. We really need a good councelor does anyone have someone in the boston area they could recomend?

I certainly don't have any answers for you. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in having mixed feelings about your WS. I was the BS and my exWS got a 21 year old pregnant. We were both 47 years old. ExWS has a son from a first marriage who was 20 years old. My exWS, too, felt that he couldn't abandon this young woman and their OC. She had no home, no job, no family support, etc. Their OC was born with Down Syndrome. I did file for divorce early on because he just wouldn't be honest about what was happening. We tried to reconcile after the divorce. I met the OC and was able to love and accept him. Unfortunately, my exWS wouldn't leave the OW because "I can't trust that she will take good enough care of the baby is she's on her own." It took over a year for him to reach this conclusion after promising me multiple times that he was leaving her, loved me, never loved her, etc. He'd still be seeing me if he had his way, but I finally established "no contact". I guess it's fortunate that we didn't share any children together. That has to make it even harder for you! In spite of all this, I still was crying today over losing him. I really loved this man. I don't know if that makes us "fools" for loving men who betrayed us so deeply, or is reflective of the true depth of our love, forgiveness, and compassion. Please know that you are in my thoughts. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

What a mess. Personally, I think you are doing everything right. However, and this is a big no-no in the MB philosophy, but I think it is time for Plan B right now. I would tell him that unless he commits to you, he is to leave the marraige now. Stand there with a bag packed for him and explain that you understand the mess he has created, and you love him, but you are not going to have your life, or those of your childrens destroyed anymore by his actions. There is no reason to be mean when you do this. Then walk away from him. You are being used right now, since you are an obvious decent kind human being. The longer he uses you, the more anger is going to build and the tougher it will be to reconnect. I would be very firm right now.

Your children are at a huge impressionable age. You didn't state if they knew about OW yet. I would hope not. After watching a business go under, your children are probably already a bit nervous anyway. Don't push them over the edge. They have a strong, fair minded mother. Let them see they can count on you for their stability. Explain this to your husband, then kindly show him the door.

I agree with the attorney part. File for and get a legal separation to claim any income for your own children.

You be strong and take care of you and your children. Unfortunately, you don't have time to coddle yourself. You need to be proactive instead of reactive. They are jerking your chain and it has to stop. Her or you. PERIOD.

Keep posting here. You will learn alot. I hope you read through the messages here already. Don't be so quick to say what you will or will not accept. Your children, and their feelings will need to be addressed. They are at an age where it would be humiliating to have this in their lives. And you are the only person they have looking out for them right now. Don't make any rash decisions right now. The separation may seem rash but it serves two-fold. It protects family income for your children. It also serves notice to your husband that you are serious about this situation. He has to wake up and face reality. Right now he is just swinging in the breeze, letting her and her family run roughshod. Her father needs to be notified that he is harrassing your Husband and can face legal problems.

Right now, take steps to protect you and your future. You can Plan A, but still handle paperwork the protect yourself and your kids.

However, and this is a big no-no in the MB philosophy, but I think it is time for Plan B right now.
Plan B is a MB plan so it is right in line with MB principles.

I would tell him that unless he commits to you, he is to leave the marraige now.
This isn't Plan B, it's plan ultimatum (which is not a MB plan). Also, what do you mean by "leave the marraige"?

When you do Plan B you let the other spouse KNOW you still want the marriage.

Just to update OW decide she is going to keep baby,despite what parents say, she is prepared to leave home if she has to To answer some of the questions that were asked, my children do know about the A the girls are sick over it so I know if and whaen the learn about this they will be even sicker. My son is 12 and doesn't say to much .He and my H are best buddies, it would kill him if we got divorced. I remember one time,a few years ago, when we were tucking him in he said "please don't you and dad ever get divorced" . I am just confused and emotionally drained. I know i would like to keep our M together but I don't know how . Thanks for your support I'll keep reading but know I'm going to bed

I just need to vent a little. I really only told one person about this new bit of news ,so I really need to talk to people who have been there. My H has not said he wants to leave me ,he said he told her he can't leave me and his kids. I am just worried now because he is allowing her to call him. He has not called her ,partly because of her parents warning him to stay away. He says he will support her decision and help finacially(which is going to be next to impossible given our current situation).He can't abandon her he tells me . I want to know what that means. He said he can't tell her he cn't talk to her. Why do I feel bad for her??? Maybe because I know she is young and pregnant and to raise a baby alone, she is also someone I know, it bothers me that this baby is my childrens half sibling,that i once again feel robbed of something that was meant for me and my H to share in our M. I think sometimes if my H came out of his fog and saw that this relationship was wrong and wouldn't work, if he could only look at her like a daughter,for this is how she should have been seen as, that I could maybe even accept her. But I know this is crazy thinking. I sometimes think it would be better to just let him go and end this M myself. I cant' stand to think that he will start to go behind my back again and lie to me allover.I don't know how this will play out, will she become more and more needy? His guilt might get the best of him. Does any one have a situation where they see OC and Ow? or does this just not work? I can't stand all the questions and having my mind spin ,constantly on overload.

I have no advice and I am not sure what to say. you're in a rotten situation right now and your husband must be feeling especially guilty and obligated because she is so young.

I'm not sure what he means when he says he can't abandon her unless he is meaning that he must leave you and your kids and make a home with her and OC. But then, he would be abandoning three or four people with whom he has had a history to not abandon her. This is what gets me anyway with some OW's that post here and on TOW. They almost all say that the MM has "abandoned" them and their OC but I can't figure out how this can be construed as abandonment when they knew before hand that the MM was otherwise engaged in a marriage and obligated to his wife and their children. I'm not ever sure what else they want or expect because surely they don't really expect the MM to leave his wife and his children for just them and their OC when they have entered into their lives like a thief in the night taking from someone else something that is not theirs to take. I always find those statements about abandonment confusing and frustrating...it's like they think they have squatter's rights or something. And in your case with the girl being so young, he probably feels especially ashamed and obligated which makes this even more difficult. At that age it's like they have no concept of consequences, nor do I believe she was being calculating...maybe she was just looking to have some forbidden kicks without considering the impact on a whole family. And your husband...I don't know what to say about him. What do you think YOU want to do?

I don't know what to tell you except that I hope to God this girl gives that baby up for adoption or she is sealing her fate for life and that of an innocent child, unless the grandparents are going to be actively involved.

Your husband's only obligation would be financial if she were older and on her own but this one sounds like she is right out of high school.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

In my situtation we see OC regularly, although it was not like that for OC first 4 1/2 years. We met OC 1 1/2 year ago. My 2 cents is to not get involved w/ OC.
It has been almost devastating for our entire family. Things are a bit calmer now but I would not trade the calm now for the insanity is has been this past year. My H and I both regret getting involved.

I had more problems w/ this situation this past year then I did with the original confessoin because now I had to actually see OW and OC regularly. (Ow was also younger than my H and I and claims that as part of her "excuse" but still, when I was 21 I was already married w/ a 3yo kid and being a responsible adult so age is no excuse. For your OW, well there are a ton of other 18 yo out there who are not acting so shamelessly irresponsible)

My 10 yo went through depression this past year w/ classic symptoms which I directly relate to this situation (mood swings, insomnia, angry outburst ect.) I also had major depression, anxiety, insomnia, feeling like I was literally "losing it" or "going crazy", I lost 25 (started @ 136 lowest point 117 @ 5'6) pounds and I had a very needy newborn to take care of and breastfeed plus a 3yo who flip flops back and forth from being "mad @ daddy" and "not liking OC". Oh and innocent OC, well, OW says she is not doing so well either since we are in OC life. Apparently, we are now responsible for making OC an "emotional wreck" by being in her life. (of course, she was already older when we met her, so this is probably true about the "wreck" part not the "our fault" part though!)

So if you get a chance to make a choice & you guys choose to have C w/ OC you have a loooong and bumpy road ahead of you!

I'm sorry another BS has to go through this pain <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My H's A was with a young woman who was 22/23 yrs old, he was 39 and a father of 4, during A I became Pregnant with #5.
His excuse was she made him feel better about himself, younger, etc. He had been passed over for a promotion and saw his career in the Army drawing to a close and was depressed about that.
She made him feel good.
However when it came down to actually leaving me for her, he realised he couldn't do it. He was in this fog, thought he was going to have this new life with young wife, feel young no responsibilities. I told him, if he left, he would have to take our teen age sons with him, the eldest was 7 yrs younger than the OW. I told him that I wouldn't be able to control to anygry teenagers and keep them straight if I was a single parent with a newborn, a 5 yr old, and an 11 yr old. He started to rethink things.
With the counselor we pointed out that what ever personal problems he had, only he could solve them, he would just take them with him. She could not rebuild his self esteem, only he could do that. He was the one who was responsible for his happiness. He was the only one who make him happy. ONce he accepted that he re committed to our marriage and things are better now than ever. That was 11 years ago.
Catnip gave you some good advice. Financially I would file for separation to protect your children first, then you can resolve your marriage.
One thing that helps is to constantly reassure him that YOU LOVE HIM and YOU WANT THE MARRIAGE TO WORK. You inundate him with cards and messages that you know things are tough now, but you know the two of you can make things better and you want a life with him and your children.
You might see if the girl would let you and your H have custody of the OC if you are willing to take on the responsibility of a newborn.
I wanted to do that, but the OW wouldn't agree.
"If she couldn't have my H at least she would have a part of him" (Gag me )
Please keep coming back no matter how bad it gets. Stay strong we will all be pulling for you.

Texagirl

Thanks for your replies,sorry I haven't posted lately,been working alot. Sometimes I don't know how I keep going It is really getting tough, knid of just want to give up, I think that is what my H kind of wants because then he will feel that he won't have to decide, it can only be to be with OW. Lately the talking is getting frustrating. My H says he feels like he is backed into a wall, I am forcing him, where she will just accept what ever he does! He is still talking to her every day at work. I can not take it anymore. I heard a meesage on his phone, she says "Ilove you very much and you mean the world to me"I know they are talking about alot more personal things. He will not compromise.I said only talk to her when I am around,or we should talk to her together and let her know we are committed to our M ,we will help her with the baby, but all personal contact has to stop. I don't even think that is a good idea,but was willing to try it.He said ,oh she won't do that. I don't think he wants to do that.The mc even said what he hears is that H wants to keep both relationships. H says he can' abandon her , even told me he can't promise to make a commitment because he already broke it ,so he don't know what will happen. I am so tired, worn out. He doesn't think there is a solution. I am trying to figure one out. I even suggested for him to be alone for a while, NC with either of us. Am i supposed to be patient ,meet EN, forever ,I feel horrible I feel like I am forced to end this. I don't think he will fight to keep it going.Should I talk to her or her parents. It really should be up to him.

cmdp,
Tough situation. Contact must end to begin healing. Until then a strong plan A with no LB's and love him without question.

I would ask no more for NC as he is still lying and in the fog.

Hard as it sounds send cards and leave notes of how you love him and want you two to be together.
Ow will undoubtedly begin demanding things... do not demand! Repeat....do not demand....

Love him with your heart and soul.

If all else isn't working begin plan B.( after an amount of time you have pre-set... say 6 weeks...without a change in H)

Tell him you love him but need to start your own life because of his continuous lies. You love him ,but need space. Space to start to work on yourself...it's amazing what that time will do for you! You will no longer look needy but strong...You will and can do it!

Blessings and peace whatever you decide.

love
Debi

Gemini1
This has been going on for a while. I found out about A in March 2003,and was doing plan A even before I read the books. My H moved out for 5 weeks in may came back but contact by phone never ended. During the summer we went to MC,we have always gotten along good ,I was never nasty about anything ,maybe I was to understanding, obviously I did't demand much since he was lying to me still and saw her again in the fall. This is when I caught him and confronted ,stared a plan B, which only lasted 1 week and then he was back, started NC,only lasted 2 weeks when she called and told him she was pregnant. that was 3 weeks ago. She is only going to be 19 in a few weeks. She hasn't been demanding.I have been trying to be patient ,I have sent cards, left notes,played songs for him done everything but stand on my head! all this with nothing back, and he was always big into buying me cards ,flowers, always romantic. When I ask him about leaving he says he doesn't want that,he just can't say to her he can never speak to her agin. But I know that there relationship can not be platonic. There is always going to be this risk. I try telling him that she should have a chance to do the things a 19 yr old should be doing,going to school(which she quit already),meeting someone who she can have a life with, not the mess he is going to bring her into.He knows I am willing to stand beside him and face all the poblems together, I don't think he is ther by my side and i told him that. I feel at this point my love bank is starting to empty, Iam getting to upset, resentful inside and I know that's not good. I think if go to plan B now he will take it as I am giving up and he will definatley be with her ,which kills me. All these things go thru my head, picturing him holding her hand thru labor,all kinds of stupid thoughts,they devaste me. Maybe I am scared he will be happier with her ,I don't know anymore I just know I can not stand feeling horrible inside like this anymore.Our 17 anniversary is this weekend. We haven't really have had any problems sexually between us since this has happened ,but now I kind of feel used,don't know if I even want to be with him. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

If you think you must continue to be his safe place then by all means do it.

I know how horrible the nightmare is and wish the thing would end for you now.

I must warn you to not be clingy... do not LB...it does kill you inside but the results are usually good. Do not be a doormat either. Negotiate times to discuss things, then have times for just being together and try to enjoy things as small as an icecream cone together!

If your lovebank is quickly emptying, tell him you love him, tell him your desire to stay married, tell him to leave because his actions are hurting you too much.

Do not contact him after plan b starts. Settle a time frame before that. Say 6 weeks. Before he can contact you again, by letter, he must end all contact with ow. A lawyer will take care of things so you two can begin to work together again. If he won't negotiate anything and continues to lie, you will be better off learning to gain some strength and dignity before it's too late for you both. Plan b is to save what love you have left and start to work on making yourself happy.

Whatever you decide, Blessings!

love
Debi

I guess I am joining the ranks here, oh how I need your support.
H had a 5 mth affair, OW is PG due in March she's 26/he's 42. I have known now for about 2 mths. We are trying to work things out, going to therapy, but I am still so undecided. He wants nothing to do with the child, which I find horrible, but yet I want us to have nothing to do with the child, for which I feel horrible, then there are moments I think I can handle it, then selfish moments of why should I have to handle it. I atleast realize there will be contact with the OW, if not just for money, where he is in lala land thinking believing what she says that she wants no help at all. We have no children of our own, which was what we had planned.

I have had no contact with the OW other than passing her in the store, which she santers by me the two times I have been there, it feels like she does it on purpose but I don't know if she knows who I am exactly.

They work at the same place, he did change his hours to where they just pass through the door way, but I have told him if he sees her or speaks to her I want to know about it. Has he volunteered anything? No, when we were having joint therapy I would find out then when they had seen or talked to each other. He is still trying to keep this a seperate life, but it can't be. As weird as it sounds I want to know everything if I am going to stay in this, it feels to me that if he sees or speaks to her without my knowledge, before or after, that the affair is still going on.

He swears he loves me and wants to be with me but is leaving all the decision to me. I feel like cmpd in that he is wanting me to end it, but when I point blank talk to him about it he says he wants to be with me more than anything, he just doesn't want us to hate each other, he wants to remain friends so he can still help me out, take me out to dinner, etc. I wish he could understand seeing her kills me. I have told him to try and understand if things were turned around how would he feel. He just won't do it. I know for a fact he is a jealous person and would never stand for me to continuing seeing a man I had an affair with. He can barely deal with me working with a man.

This is so out of character for my H. I have atleast put some of the personality changes that occurred during the 5 mth affair into perspective. Things that were said and the manner in which they were said, where taken very personally by me, but I now understand this ugliness was guilt coming from him. I will never in the future except the way I was spoken to. I don't deserve that.

Ok everyone, just have to share this with all of you.Here is what I call a waste of the last 9 months of counceling. My H went to IC yesterday and this is the conclusion she came to .She suggested that we all get along and learn to live with this type of relationship since it seems that I and OW have already accepted it.She said people do have relationships like this,and we eventually will work it out! And become one big happy family!!!!She feels that neither I or OW are going to give up,and he is going to have a nervous breakdown because he is bouncing back and forth so much,because he can't make a decision.My H said he even lost some respect for this IC. The MC said something similar to us told me I should develop my own relationship with OW to see where she is at ,what kind of person she is blah blah blah. I know her already , she worked for us, she went out with my D's!I always thought she was a good" KID" ,thought she had some kind of issues,liked to get attention. She should of stayed a KID and not become my H 's affair partner!We wouldn't be having these problems ,if he did treat her and care about her the way he would about his D's. My H will not consider NC says he can't do that to her. So I said the only thing left to do is for me to leave the triangle. He said "you just want to give up" I said no I wasn't giving up I wanted to stay married and contiue our life together ,but this is not going to work. I will never be able to heal and He can not give me what I need because he is splitting himself in 2. Then he starts pleading ,saying his commitment will be first always to me and our children,he will be everyting I want,and whatever is left she can have(or something crazy like that)I told him I do not want someone who might be unfaithful to me(he says he wont!yeah right )He can not explain what exactly he is going to do for her.I told him if all contact was thru me or with me there, then I would consider ,If I knew he stood right by my side and I need 100% honesty.Everything would be in the open ,no room for secrecy, no personal talk. He still says she doesn't want that, it would be uncomfortable, she won't talk to him if I am present. I told him then there is your answer. She will have NC. He won't let go who is he fooling. I don't even want to face him anymore, he asked if we could go away overnight this weekend,its our 17 anniversary,so we could have some alone time . What good is celebrating an anniversary,,where is the meaning to it.I didn't sign up for this when I said- I do!! There doesn't seem to be anything to fight for ,he will not ever stop contact with her. So my options are to get out, get over it and start my own life,(and my children have to suffer effects of divorce)or accept a life that will always be in turmoil and fear that he will be unfaithful,well physically anyways ,because he is already unfaithful emotionally.One more thing he said when I mentioned this website and others situations( He thinks his is unique and no one knows what he is feeling),"anyone who really has feelings and loves someone would not abandon that person and dismiss them from their life completly" What do you think about that. I am sorry this is long I worked 11p to 7 a took me 2 hours to drive home because of a snow squall the roads were a sheet of ice usually only takes 10 mins!!I am wound up I am going to have to crash.

I am so sorry cmd, Why do they think we can live under such weird relationships? I keep thinking, girl if you could just be liberal or whatever and except this, but I just can't, it's not me, it's not what I want out of a relationship. For another I know that my h would NEVER EVER agree to me having another man on the side like he has this woman. Why are we to accept it? If I wanted it I would be Morman or whatever religion that is that excepts multiple women in a relationship.

I guess that is what my MC was trying to tell me last week in individual counseling. You need to end it, or take drastic measures because he will continue as he has. Its me or her. He swears it's not between me and her, but it is. And that OW thinking it will be uncomfortable for her if you were involved in the communications. Well what the heck does she think you feel knowing her slimy hands have been on your man?!!! Talk about uncomfortable!
Mine keeps swearing it's just me he wants but I know he sees this girl at work and I have told him under any circumstances he is to come home or call me and immediately tell me when he sees her and if they talk. He never does. The only time I find out is in combined therapy when he drops it in on conversation with the MC. I feel like a parent with a kid where I keep saying no, no, no and never follow through with displine. I am like you I want and need to know all contact and if I have to deal with this situation HE caused, I have to be involved. Being on the outside, is just that, being on the outside...putting my head in the sand, oblivious, naive...and by God I stopped being that September 30th. He doesn't understand this he thinks it's fine to keep his seperate little life.

hurtandconfused
For what it is worth, it is a least comforting to know we are not alone in the way we feel. I often think -what is wrong with me, especially when others tell me ,you have to get strong, your in denial, you would be better off without him, ect... I feel like I'm sticking my head in the sand too. But I know I'm am not a weak person,I am very self sufficient, I have a good job,not scared of being alone,not "co-dependent","scared to be the loser" all the things people have asked me. I am a woman who is commited to my marriage ,loves my husband,did not want to end it.I could see if we could not get along or both felt mutually that ending it would be best, but that doesn't seem to be the case. My H says the same things to me, he wants me ,loves me even more than he ever has. I know that if we divorce will have regrets. My kids also have to suffer from this. I can't understand why sometimes it just can't be so clear to him. But obviously its because i do not have anyone else that i am in love with. And I know by working thru this is going to be a long hard road. I could do that if I was getting some kind of commitment from him ,but he can not seem to give me any kind of a plan.As far as I know contact with her is not going to end, so the ball is is my court now. AT least they don't see each other like in your situation. That is hard to handle. Hang in there. I am right beside you!I

Just got a call from my h. He said he doesn't think things are working out between us. I have tried to be good, tried to be understanding, tried to be upbeat, but yesterday he left my work and went shopping one block down from my work. I got home from work and he wasn't home and I wanted about 1/2 hr and called his cell. Where are you I ask. Pulling onto our road he says. I was delayed at walmart because this person and that person needed to talk to me. He had been "shopping" for 2 1/2 hrs in the middle of the day. And this shopping occured at where he works and the ow was on duty at the time. When he pulled up I went out and helped bring in the bags and he was silent, so was I. When he finally sat down I said, "Did you talk to her" He yelled "I KNEW WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT" Meaning why I called him on his cell. I went silent then.
Why does he make me feel guilty that I have these horrible feelings of distrust. It was he who caused it, I have shown compassion and sympathy to him, but yet the times that I am uncertain he shows not one ounce of compassion and gentleness to me. I know it is probably due to guilt but that shouldn't account for the distance and silence.
We have individual therapy today his is at 2 mine at 5. Wonder what fun will occur today.

hurtadnconfused
it isn't right to have to feel this way because we bring up some questions. My H seem to get frustrated to when I ask about him talking to her. They would rather pretend like nothing is happening ,they want to keep it seperate,its leading a double life. As long as I am ok everything goes about normal,but if I am upset or especially at night when we are in bed ,I find it the hardest to keep my emotions controlled. Crying and seeing me so hurt makes him feel guilty and horrible about himself. Most of the times he can comfort me but there have been times when he didn't do anything and that is hard to deal with. I think ,who is this person that i never thought could ever hurt me the one I trusted more than anyone? It will not be until they are ready to recomit to us that they can do the work that is needed to help us heal. our 17 wedding annivesary is this weekend(dec7 pearl harbor day,how ironic!)
I don't know how to exactly handle it

cmpd you asked if anyone has situation where h sees ow and oc, yes I do, only it is worse than that, my h lives with them. He says he can't abandon oc right now. He says there isn't anything wrong with him living with her as long as nothing sexually is going on. What planet is he from. This is what I have had to deal with. a crazy person. Ow was 29 when she got pregnant and h was 62, what a joke huh. He says if he doesn't stay with ow then she will take oc and leave this state because she hates it here anyway. I say go. She knew he was married but did not and still does not care as long as she gets what she wants.....money. We are still married, although I don't know why I stay married to him, we don't see each other that much. You said you try and talk to your husband but he doesn't want to, same here, when I try and talk to him he only gets mad. He says he doesn't come around me that much because I argue with him too much. I only try and talk to him but like your h he doesn't want to. I don't really have anyone much that has been there for me since this has all happened. My h still supports me finacially. I wish you better luck than I have had.

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

cmpd,

I feel like you and I are kinda living the same nightmare here. I got home after him telling me on the phone it's not working and I told him I am tired of him not being understanding, compassionate and patient with me. Not one ounce of it is being shown on the rare times I am actually unable to contain my dispair. He comes to me and hugs me and I melt. Every frigging time. He says he wants to work it out and it's me he wants. I tell him, you are testing me constantly, you drive me to do better and be better and when I think I have reached that point, you move the goal up a notch, I will never be enough, ever. He just holds me he does not say anything.

Well I go to therapy and the MC says 100 times to me "He is never going to end it" I finally said, do you mean with the OW? She said OH NO, with you, he is never going to end it. She says to me "if it's going to end I will have to end it, or I am going to have to have the mind set that come hell or high water I am making this marriage work, desipite his attempts to manipulate me." She said, "And he will, he will say things that will push you to end it." She at one point even said, "He is a manipulator" I couldn't believe this. I still hang onto this "freaky conception" that my husband is a good guy despite this crap he has pulled. I told her I think he is doing that to releive himself of the guilt he feels, but I know that won't releive him of the guilt. It's something he has to work through. Heck the MC is telling me outright he is manipulating me. I told her the crap he said to me on the phone and she said, next time or next situation tell him to leave and not contact you for one week.

Well Saturday we were apart the whole day and come dinner time he is like lets go out. We go out and he is being attitive, hand holding, arm around me and as we walk in to the restaurant he asked me how I am today. I said well I am having a sad day, but doing okay. We go and we are eating, chitchatting (feels like old times), and out of the blue he says, have you seen that gal running around here in the orange shirt? I said , her? He said yes, that would be your perfect body, right there. and he continues on about riding the ex bike an such. (I am heavy but not huge) What in the hell is his problem. That is flat out cruel. He has said stuff like that in the past, but for GOD's sake you don't say it when you are going through the crap we are! I just sat there and got real stiff and just stared at him. He said oh great this will be mentioned in MC. We went on to a movie and later at home, in bed I started crying and I told him, I am letting you go. I am not enough and never will be enough. Nothing. This am we get up and I go to church, he bows out and goes to my Mom's to do yard work. He came back and wouldn't talk so I finally told him why what he said hurt me so and he is like I didn't mean it and hugs on me. I never thought I would be this jello type person around anyone. If he hugs me I feel like I drop, I can't defend, but I can't push away. I don't want it to end, but he can't keep doing and saying the crap he is saying. And of course he isn't going. I don't want him to be gone forever at this point, I just want him to go and see that he can be on his own without me caring for him, or to find out, God I need this woman with all my heart and soul. I think it will eventually come down to me physically packing his bags and putting them on the stoop. And what is freaking weird is I wouldn't be putting it on the stoop because of the danged affair and the possibility of this child coming, but because he says the most inapropriate crap to me.

CMD:
On the other side of the Tracks so to speak. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if xmm in my case were to have contact with my daughter his whole family would be involved. I am so sorry about all this. Your husband is in some sort of fog. It should be NC for them except with you involved. It sounds like feelings are still there. I can tell you my pregnancy was a huge wake up call for both xmm and myself. In two different ways of course, but none of the less a wake up a call. She is only 19. I work with a 19 year old girl and I can tell you they don't think like most adults do. She is probally thinking he is going to leave you for her with his "confussed" state. I am so sorry you are going through this. I also find it hard to believe a IC would tell him all that you posted. To be honest with you I think it's great he does not want to dump her pregnancy, or ignore it, but if he truely wants you and your family he has to involve you. Either the ow accepts it or not. Becasue she is so young I would not trust her that she is not telling your husband how much she wants him and etc. I'm not defending her, but she is not a full adult yet and possibly can not understand the jest of this situation. When we are that young we are selfish and into what we want for ME. I remember when I was that young. Now that she is pregnant she needs to grow up but sounds like your husband does too. He needs to make a decision and stop hurting everyone around him including her. Not that no one will be hurt but at least people can move on with there lives and make decissions that concern there future. I think if you talk to her you'll get no where. She run right to your husband as well. Just my thoughts on it. Maybe plan B is a good move for you right now. I would not totally give up on your marraige though. He sounds like he does love you. I think though if you continue to allow him to behave in this manner it won't stop. She won't be out of your life either. She may never be out of your life but he can make some sound decisions that include you. You can make sound dicisions together. In my case as soon as xmm knew I was pregnant he bailed. BS never found out even about the affair. So that showed me I was just a fun thing for him for 13 months. In your case he must have some sort of feelings for her even if they are superfical, but he needs to wake up. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope it does work out for you. I just thought I could give you my thoughts on this. I hope your okay with that.
M

Hurtandconfused,

Hurtandconfused,
I am sorry for all the hurt you have (big hug). This whole A thing does strange things to our whole life on every aspect ,even to our self-esteem. One of my friends would always make me laugh when she said ,women need to have more of the confidence of men ,men can have a big belly,be bald, and still they think they are hot!Women are just to hard on themselves. We need to say -damn I look good!!! Don't let anyone make you feel less than you are .This is where we need to take the advice of all the others on these boards. Take care of yourself,do things for you. It will make you feel better.

needtomoveon

Thank you for your opinion.For the last few days we haven't really talked about this situation.I have been waiting to see what would happen. Last night we went out to eat ,it was our anniversary,and some how we started talking about everything. My H says the only conclusion that he can come up with is that she(ow) is so much like me. He said whatever it was about me she has the same thing. He doesn't understand why there could be such an attraction,because she is so young,he even thinks it is perverted that he should feel llike this about her.He said its not about sex. It is her as a person. But she on the other hand feels she really needs him and likes the sex with him.So nice that at a young age she has more to compare than I do .He always said he feels inadequate with me ,like I never really needed him or was atrtracted to him. This is what i think is the big attraction is with her ,him feeling needed
and wanted by someone.I know she is not understanding the whole jest of this situation. She wants what she wants and that is the bottom line. She is still telling him she loves him,everytime she calls.And he sometimes says it back to her. There is the mistake ,because it is a mixed message to her. He says she knows they will probably not be together,but she is willing to wait .Of course she is what else does she have to do, especially since she is pregnant,she is not going to go out on dates now! Again I tried to tell him I know she will always be in the picture, and I am willing to work with that ,but they can not have private conversations,or see each other. It has to be with me there.He is not willing to do this and says she will not do that. So I guess there is my answer.By keeping things like this I am in limbo. I can not move either way. He can not also be the same with me or love me the way he used to .This is a man who would always bring me flowers and not one card but several. Yesterday he told me he bought me a card ,but never gave it to me. I saw it in a bag ,it was blank inside so I am guessing he was going to right something. This little detail,something so simple a giving a card, means alot and it really hurt that he didn't do it.He also never told me once yestereday that he loved me.And I know because he is torn that he can not do these things freely anymore. But I want them back.He said he kanows he wouldn't be able to function without me ,but he also need to talk to her everyday. He just needs to hear her voice.He says she does not want to be OW ,she wants all of him or nothing, then why is she still talking to him? I said she would still jump into bed with him if she has the chance ,he diagrees,that is not what she wants. So she is just waiting in the wings hoping maybe I will have enough or he will not be able to stand it without her.I know what I have to do but it is so hard especially with the holidays. My kids don't know any of this yet they thik things are going ok. I need to get some kind of a plan from him what he intends to do, I don't want to be demanding, but maybe if he had somthing and I have somthing we could negotiate. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws?

cmdp,
How awful for you to see that anniversary card and not receive it.

H and I had our 26th anniversary 3 months post d-day. I got a mushy card, we stayed home and listened to music and had champagne together. BUT!!!! Something was missing. I knew he was still lying about a lot of things.

Fastforward to the end of the month.... I heard messages from ow and she wrote a letter to our home to H. That was enough for me. If contact wasn't ending, my lovebank was emptying faster than ever and I just wanted to have H out for good to start a new life without all the heartache...there IS a life after the A, with or without my H. BTW, ow was my friend too.

I asked H to move back out (he was gone for 3 weeks post d-day). He refused. Was acting cocky about it saying he didn't move back in just to move back out...blah, blah, blah...

He finally left, it was a Sunday. My heart was heavy all over again. Do you know what? He stayed gone until oc was born (another 5 weeks). One day I came home from work and he was there...begging me to "give it a try" "I'll be the best H you could ever find"...

I was reluctant and happy at the same time. I still didn't trust him though and kept an appointment with my attorney to begin to divorce. H asked me not to go but I did. The attorney asked me a few personal questions as well as the important ones and to my surprise said to give it a try, what else could I lose? If I needed her she had all our info and would start the case and added,"I really don't think we'll go through with this".

It was still another 10 months of hell as ow went bonkers when she saw H's truck back home and started with driving by our home yelling things, sending perfume sprayed letters to H and rage filled letters to me, baby pictures in our mailbox, gifts to "Daddy", on top of us trying to settle CS and health insurance through our lawyers AND trying visitations!

Nothing worked out except our marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

H said during plan B he dreamed of being with me and cried at night because he missed me. I refused to answer his calls or "love cards" he mailed. He really saw life without me!

Oh he was angry at first! Said if he left again he'd never move back in, that I was embarrassing him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ...maybe because of where we live, ow knew he was "out" again! She sure knew when he moved home and it was a total surprise to her as she said in a letter to him..."Why did you move back home? I can rock your world. I'll give you all the money you'll ever need...etc...etc....

That letter told me he really ended things with her for good. He gave me the letter unopened to read.

My long winded point? Plan B and give him the chance to see life without you, no calls, set up a time in your mind that you'll accept him back, you can only do it when contact ends with ow and he comes clean with you.

It is so very hard to do, get a suppot network to surround yourself with. Do things for yourself, a new hairstyle or haircolor, manicures and pedicures, movies with your friends, and do not return his calls. Give it time...

Pray and ask God to lead the way. That in and of itself saved me from insanity.

I'm pulling for you.


hurtandconfused,
Although I identify with the "girlfriend ow" I don't understand why ow's H kept the secret for so long.

I would consider moving to get away from all the horrible memories. You can have oc and your D spend time together in the future but you need to mend your mind and marriage first.

Being oc knows and D knows, it will be easier to have her spend some time in the summer with you at your new home away from the false closeness you thought you had!

If ow/friend won't let it happen, so be it for now until everyone cools their jets.

You need ample time to recover and I hope you and H will go the extra mile together to make things happen for the good of your marriage.

Both of you.... in fear of repeating myself, the Harleys do wonderful in opening the lines of communication between WS and BS! Do consider giving them a call. It is so worth it!

Blessings to you both.
love
Debi

<small>[ December 08, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Debi,

I think your reply was to someone else, the OC in my situation hasn't been born yet, March is when she is due.


Well I told him to move out last night. It went fairly calm, he tried the angles that's he's used on me to make me feel guilty and sympathatic
alot of crying on his part, comments of me moving ect. But I was strong. I still don't want this to end but the crap he says to me, I don't deserve to have said and he needs to start treating me with respect and feeling. I have been ready to do this since he said to me Friday that it wasn't working, then Saturday I told him I let him go and it's been so heavy on my mind but I didn't want to me cruel and I don't want to be mean. Then I found out last night that he talked to my brother a couple of weeks ago and discussed having sex with the ow and how limber she was. What the heck is he doing, talking to my family like that! of ALL people! I don't mean to give him an excuse but I seriously think he is going through a massive midlife crisis. When you add up the constant talking of buying a corvette, the taking of powerlifting pills, the pills for boosting sex drive, the pot smoking, even the buying of old music like the BeeGee's and KC and the Sunshine Band, it all adds up to me. Well if he can get over this bs then maybe we can pick up the peices.

Just wondering how everyone is doing. You are right this is so hard to do, but went to dinner with my mother and brother tonight so that helped. I am trying to put up the rest of the decorations, I have to begin to have some sort of routine I guess. I know with me asking him to leave he knows it's forever. I don't necessarily want it to be, and I don't want this to sound like I am punishing him or something, but I had to do this. I have to show him I mean business and if he and I are to work out he must make some changes, grow up and treat me with respect. I am disrespecting myself allowing him to talk to me like he does.

Cmpd, Thanks for the hug : ) What blows my mind, I have lost 25lbs (the really hard way - by this situation) and am into my 18 pants I haven't worn in 5 years! But nobody to notice that now, nobody I would care to have notice anyway!

Gemini thanks for your kind words. I hope that mine works out as yours has. Most of the time I feel in my heart that God will get me through the issues of this affair and the little person that will be coming. Just wish my husband would get out of his fantasy world. Its scary to think I can love a person so much and he be so cold and unconsidering of the little human being that will be here in March. I fear that he will come to hate the OW before all is said and done. But on the other hand he may be calling her already so he isn't lonely.

He told me to call the therapist last night and tell her we won't be attending therapy anymore after Friday. I called her as I said I would and told her I would continue if she thought I needed to and that we could talk about it Friday.

Funny how when I said I let you go he stopped going to church and after I said pack your things, he wants to quit therapy so quickly. Was it an act to appease me? I am begining to think so.

On a funny note, men grip that we are hormonal monthly, but ladies I do believe it's like letting off steam. These men store up for 40 years and blow a gasket! LOL For our fellow men that have been betrayed, know I say this in jest. Evidentally your ladies didn't do the "hormonal venting" appropriately!

HurtAndConfused I had you mixed up with HanginInThere...sorry.

I will pray that your planB works for the best.

I lost a longer post to you and cannot spend the time to say more.

Sorry for the mix-up.

It is so early for you Hurtandconfused. I'll pray for you and hope things improve with time.

Pregnancy has a way of keeping WS totally confused on what to do. Your plan B may work for the best.

Blessings to you both.
love
Debi

Hi everyone, the days are flying by and I feel like i never have enough time to do anything. I haven't even decorated for xmas yet! First time in 17 years living in this house that we haven't put lights outside. i have not even done any shopping,partly because of the money situation. But the people I work with gave me a check,I was so grateful,it was like a miracle came thru! We went to MC the other night, same thing no new revelations . One thing he said to me was 'I think if you show interest and start a relationship with OW ,then H will become less interested" he is kind of strange he just said -I don't know where that came from just a thought. H is still talking to her at work on phone.SHe called him the other day and was crying saying she is tired of being alone ,wants him,misses him, wishes he could rub her back ,her Bday is coming up. She is playing on his emotions. He still insists he does not want to leave me and kids, he just doesn't know what to do about her, can't just abandon her. Talking is all she has and it comforts her. I disagree ,it is giving the wrong impression.Maybe I should talk to her!She told him also her father wants her to get a lawyer. I had a bad day emotionally myself yesterday,crying alot. I guess mabe it is the time of year. I just want some kind of decision either way to ahve something to work with and move forward instead of just hanging in limbo.

hurtnconfused1964, good luck with your plan B ,I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Well I started Plan B Tuesday night....is he out yet? Nope. His truck is full of stuff and I called my ex-employer who has an apt to see if he could stay there. The last two days he has said he's tried to talk to them himself about living there but to no avail. He has been going in the home through the day (He works nights), so I am not sure what's going to happen this weekend. We have alot of motels that take weekly renters, don't know why he won't do that. Maybe he is stalling to get to the therapist tonight....

My co-worker is so funny. She keeps me laughing...she said it reminds her of an old country song...."How can I miss you if you won't go away" LOL

I wanted to check in and say hi. cmpd are you doing okay? I have been praying for you and hoping things are working out for you.

My Plan B didn't last too long. We had a blizzard 4 days later and he had been living in his truck so he asked if he could stay the night. I said okay. We ended up going to counsling together and we have talked alot and it seems like he has made a complete 180.

He is being affectionate and patient with me. Tuesday we both had bad days and he listened and I listened and we hugged and cried and things felt better. He has been open in regards to a 2 third party conversations he has had about ow (third party told him that ow thought he was a [censored] for not calling and checking on her and the other was that the baby might now be a boy not a girl and that the ow has a date coming up with another guy) H told third party that he wasn't calling or checking on her at work because he has to do what he has to do to save his marriage. He was also upfront about a change in the ow work schedule that puts them together 2 hours one night of the week.

In this week's mc he also said some positive things regarding the oc if found to be his. What he said showed me that he is finally starting to think in reality.

So basically for the last 8 days things have been good with only one really bad day. If we can keep this up I think we might actually make it. I feel like I am getting my "old h" back and that puts a smile on both our faces.

Hi, hurtnconfused, I am doing ok thanks for your concern, I just have been so busy with the holidays, of course i waited last minute and now I am in a panic!But with all that has happened I guess you can understand its hard to be in the "spirit".Everything here is still the same,we get along great ,in fact (thats never been an issue),in fact it seems like everything is ok,maybe because I have been in ok spirits not trying to think about things,trying to have a good holiday esp. for kids. I hope it all doesn't come crashing in after . Just lets say I am putting everything on hold for now, but I know it can't stay like this forever. I am glad to hear things are looking up for you. Keep strong with what you want for yourself. I will keep you and all the people from here in my prayers. Merry christmas and happy New Year!