Went with my wife to her new OB/GYN. I asked her to change because I was uncomfortable with what I saw as a lack of attentiveness. New Doc's got spunk, I like that.

I heard the heartbeat for the second time, only this time I knew it was not "mine."

It got me thinking, especially as the questions of genetic testing came about: Should we tell the Doc that I'm not genetically involved? My inclination is yes, but I worry that it'd open up a can of worms I'm hoping to keep tightly closed (keeping the OM and his family away from mine at all costs).

Thoughts?

I see no need to inform the DR. The oly thing you might need to know is the OM blood type for the RH factor, but that isn't necessary either.

Witht my 2 kids from XMM, my DR never knew. My H went to almost all the appts with me and was there for the birth.

Just try to think of the OM as a sperm donor. When it comes to playing the big part in this childs life, it is yours. Your the one who is there through out the pregnacy helping your wife, you will be the one there for the birth, the comferting the child when it needs it, you'll be the one seeing the child take its first steps, say its first words, first day of school. You'll be the one the child comes up to, gives a big hug and say "I love you Daddy". Thats what realy matters. Any idiot can donate his sperm for a child, it takes a man to be a father.

I agree, there is no need for the doctor to know.

My H and I didn't tell our doctor either and at my son's birth everything was treated perfectly normally. I think my H was more comfortable that way. We both know the truth of baby's genetics and thats whats matters.

e.

I VERY strongly disagree with the other poster's reply.

This might be necessary life-saving information!

I used to work in neonatal ICU .... there might be some unfortunate event that requires blood, or a genetic syndrome .... requiring a specialist to consider parental bloodlines.

Tell the MD ..... she is legally obligated to maintain your confidentiality.

Beware of your reasons for not telling potentially vital medical information .... to spare yourselves embarrasment.

This is important information.

Love,

Pep

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.... there might be some unfortunate event that requires blood, or a genetic syndrome .... requiring a specialist to consider parental bloodlines.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may be ignorant on the subject, but if a newborn needed neo-natal care, requiring blood, the Dr. wouldn't just automatically take blood from the parents would they? The blood types of the parents would have to be known first, as well as the baby's. Would it be anymore time consuming to reveal the truth at that point? I honestly don't know.

We also chose not to tell the OB/GYN, deciding to cross the "emergency bridge" if/when we came to it. However when answering genetic questions in regard to the father, we answered according to what we knew about the bio father.

When you get right down to it, of course it is best to tell the Dr. the facts. Yes, Pep you are correct, for us, it was our own embarrassment. However, it was also the fact we agreed to keep it completely secret, except for in an emergency.

The pediatrician is a different story, we haven't told her yet, but I really feel as if we should. I know about Dr./patient confidentiallity, but she is a social friend with a few of our friends. This worries me.

Would she be breaking confidentiallity by revealing OC's parentage since *we* are not her patients?

Is it more our personal info we would be sharing with her, and not the OC's info as her patient, thus making it allowable for her to reveal?

Sorry to butt in on your thread, Ferruz, but you asked a very good question, and reminded me of the one's I've been wondering about re. pediatrician.

Take good care.
~aut

This is a very interesting question. We actually did tell, but more for the purpose of the stress that I was likely going to go through during the P, and dealing with the emotions that Sailorman would be going through as well. In fact, it is noted in the file(I have the copy in my own records) that we were NOT going to have a DNA test done, and that we were working on saving our M.

As for any current docs, I have not told any, as Abbi is my blood type, and I did know the xOM's blood type. We were also concerned that xOM, who was at the time working at the clinic(not the hospital, but they are connected by computers), would try to look things up in my records, and we didn't want to chance that happening! We wanted to know that he couldn't continue to stalk us through that possible avenue! So, with a question like that, we had to be more upfront about the situation.

Ferruz,

There is ALWAYS that possibility that this child very well COULD be your's! I know that "statistically" it's not a good chance, but it's not 100% either! There are many here who thought they could never concieve w/out help, and now have a child w/out that help!(I'm also talking the M'd couple, not the OW) Don't count that possibility as never happening!

You really need to discuss this with your W, and decide TOGETHER what avenue you need to take.

Don't know if I helped, but I hope I did.

Tigger

Crazymum, considering the OM as nothing more than a donor is how I was able to get to sleep last night. That's what I refer to him in conversations with my W. Anything I can do to "dehumanize" and "demonize" him within our marriage is my standard operating procedure; I want him to look really bad to her and let her know that I still despise him and what he (and her, for that matter) have done.

I understand Pepperband's point of "what if in an emergency." It's crossed my mind on a number of occasions. I've pretty much concluded that were it to become an issue we'd deal with it then.

As far as who the patient is, it's the kid and my W. That's the way it will always be until the kid is born. The donor, as I've already stated, WILL NOT be in the picture.

My wife agrees that we not tell the Dr, but I know she has reservations about a complete NC issues, especially as the donor's W is pregnant. But I'm debating telling her that complete NC is a prerequisite for our working out this marriage. Any type of contact with the donor, to me, undermines our attempt to rebuild my trust in her and I cannot tolerate such an occurance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I know she has reservations about a complete NC issues, especially as the donor's W is pregnant. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't remember, does x-om and his W know of your W's pregnancy?

If so, is he making sounds of wanting contact, or NC w/ OC?

Why does your W have NC issues because of x-om's W being pregnant?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I'm debating telling her that complete NC is a prerequisite for our working out this marriage. Any type of contact with the donor, to me, undermines our attempt to rebuild my trust in her and I cannot tolerate such an occurance.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree.

In a (nearly) perfect world, upon discovery, your W would've told you she wants absolutely NC w/ x-om even if he is the bio. I guess contact between x-om and OC is a different story. Still, if possible, NC of any kind (in my opinion) is best for your M as well as x-om's M.

Once again, back to the POJA drawing board.

Take good care.
~aut

sorry...double <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ok, now I'm editing my double post to say: Although I agree about making NC a pre-requisite, I would urge you, (although it seems really unfair to do so as the betrayed) to tell her this in a respectful, non-LB'g way.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Aut, I know that the donor's W knows of the affair; I doubt that she knows of my W's pregnancy. Which is fine with me, actually. The less they know, the better.

As for the donor and NC, as it will be my name on the birth certificate. If he makes an effort to contact us, I'll go straight to the police and file a harrassment complaint. Legally, he'll have no standing to petition for visitation or any other involvement if we do not do a paternity test. Moreover, as I'm not considering a paternity test at this point (wouldn't be all that usefull) given our plan to raise the child as "our" own, it's close to a non-issue.

My W does see an issue with the donor's wife being pregnant for the medical reasons in a similar vein as to what Pepperband indicated. I see her reasoning and her logic, but I think it opens the door a bit too widely for me to agree on as I believe total and complete NC is the best option for us.

If it were to be an issue after the child is born, then I see no reason why we could not say that the child is not my genetic progeny but also that the the genetic donor is unavailable/unreachable or some other way of stating "will not ever be in the picture now or later."

On another note, my W finally went looking on the message board and found my threads. I think some of my comments hurt her, but I do think it was necessary she see them and not only hear them as well as other people's experiences.

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Ferruz ]</small>

1st, I just want to say that I am proud of you for working on your marriage so fervently, good job.

2nd; As a BS, NC seems like a perfectly logical idea in order to rebuild your marriage, keep it intact and fully restore it and regain the trust you used to have w/ your W. (we have C w/ OC and it has slowed down/caused to resurface trust issues because it has to involve OW)

3rd: many children are adopted every year and don't know their genetic origins, even if they do know they are adopted they don't know their bio-history so why should this even matter in your case? I would keep the "secret" to yourself.

Keep up the good work.

PS: Man, I'm beginning to think someone could really make a lot of $$$$ publishing an etiquette book for all of our wacky situations we create! Don't ya think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

NC is the best way to go, better yet, don't even tell XMM that the child is his. Keep it between your W and you and move on.

ferruz,

i told my first ob/gyn, like tigger, cause of the stress. i was super stressed out, super depressed, and SUPER nauseous (all day!). she was concerned cause i was losing weight instead of gaining it, but was better able to help me knowing the circumstances of my pregnancy.

then we moved to a new city in my 7th month. i didn't tell my new doc. not sure exactly why. i guess h and i were doing much better. things weren't so up in the air.

and now we have (another) doc who is our family doc - for all three of us. we haven't told him. no reason really. actually, hadn't even thought of it.

i don't think there's any rule of thumb for this. like autumn said, "poja"!

amy