This could get quite lengthy but here goes my first post.
I was contacted in June by a former lover whom I hadn't seen since right before I got married. I've been married for almost 9 years w/ 2 small children (3yrs & 4yrs). This is a woman whom I had an intense on again, off again relationship w/ since high school, prior to marriage. During my marriage I was 100% faithful, although I did daydream about this other woman on occasion. Long story short we had an affair up until recently where I was discovered (DDay of 10/15) I broke off contact and of course the affair resumed during my withdraw period. I moved out 11/5 where I found this site. I read His needs, Her Needs on 11/8, meanwhile my wife was reading His Needs, Her Needs for Parents at the same time, and had an open dialouge about the situation. My wife has been great and I truly felt I wanted to return home, and have since done so (11/11) and began following alot of the advice on this site, starting with the honesty policy. I worte the "no more contact letter" to the other woman on 11/10 and have begun to work on repairing my marriage. The good news is my wife and I both realize what happened and even some of the reasons for it, and can even recognize which needs weren't being met, by each other. I felt I could really put this other woman behind me and move on to restoring a great realationship w/ my wife.
Now the problem. I just found out @ lunch today, the other woman is pregnant. I'm not even sure how I feel at this point. She is already experiencing some complications (some bleeding) w/ the pregnancy. Here's the real kicker. She's been seperated from her husband (who has since moved out of state) for over two years (divorce proceeding just started) but was raped by him around the time of conception.
Part of me feels that this is my child and I should be honest w/ my wife and let the chips fall where they may. I think this might just mean divorce. I don't know. If it does, I can accept that and feel that I have enough love for the other woman to build a good life w/ her, while financially supporting my present wife and children so they don't have to want for anything.
On the other hand, I really felt I made the right decision to restore my marriage...and...what if this child is really from her estranged husband. Even though this is a woman I loved in my past and even might still love, I don't think I could raise a child as my own if it from the product of this rape, even though it is her legal husband.
Man am I confused at this point. I really feel better now that I've told the story. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

bdyod:

My first suggestion is for you and your wife to start marriage counseling (coaching) with Steve or Jenn Harley (phone-based; call the MB office at 888-639-1639 for appointments), or cerri (a MB-trained coach) at SaveYourMarriageCentral.

Second suggestion: fight for your marriage. Divorce should not be an option. I'm not sure how you found out that this woman is pregnant, but I would discuss this with your wife. She may be incredibly upset and threaten divorce, but your job is going to be stick with the marriage. You have two children on the ground with your wife right now, and a shared history of 10+ years. The other woman is not likely to be good marriage material for you---she's failed in one marriage already, she's had an affair, and you didn't marry her in an "on again/off again" relationship. A betting man would not take the odds that you could do anything with that relationship and make it successful.

Stick with the plans for marital recovery. Get into professional counseling with someone who supports your marriage (the Harley's are great---I've done a year of counseling with them; cerri/Penny is great too and may be cheaper---see her on the "Just Found Out" section of the board). Have no contact with this other woman. If she's still married, the child will be presumed to be from the marriage unless either she or her husband sues for proof of paternity. If that day comes, deal with it through a lawyer, with a plan that both your wife and you are in "enthusiastic agreement" with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bdyod:
<strong>
Part of me feels that this is my child and I should be honest w/ my wife and let the chips fall where they may. I think this might just mean divorce.

=^^= It almost sounds like this is something you might even welcome

If it does, I can accept that and feel that I have enough love for the other woman to build a good life w/ her

=^^= What a trooper you are! Yup...that's what I thought...you want to divorce your wife, dump your kids and marry the OW

while financially supporting my present wife and children so they don't have to want for anything.

=^^= This is manditory since anything less will make you look so bad to your peers, family, friends, business associates that everyone's opinion of you will change anyway...you don't want to be ostracized.

On the other hand, I really felt I made the right decision to restore my marriage

=^^= So why are you changing horses in the middle of the road now???? Because you would rather be with OW?

...and...what if this child is really from her estranged husband.

=^^= So what if it is? If you're so nuts about her, it shouldn't bother you...you are already considering make huge life altering changes on a huge "Maybe"

Even though this is a woman I loved in my past and even might still love

=^^= Sex and lust and thrills are not love...the excitement of being bad and eating forbidden fruit is not love. Don't be stupid.

I don't think I could raise a child as my own if it from the product of this rape, even though it is her legal husband.

=^^= Well, then, see? That proves it! You don't love her at all! Stay home and grow up and stop living in a fantasy world. Concentrate on your wife and making her happy instead of everything being about you and how you feel....you'll get back more than you give and be fulfilled just by getting out of yourself.

As far as this kid being yours...there is no way of knowing until DNA results are in sometimes after the child is born.

Just follow K's advice and speak to the Harley's to get your head back on straight and refocus your attention to your wife and stop obsessing over something that is just self destructive and selfish.

Good luck
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

So your wife has accepted you back, (she really loves you) but you're wavering again whether or not to accept her love and forgiveness and are willing to give up everything for a BIG what if? (she loves youmore than you love her but you can change that!) ARE YOU NUTS?

You are willing to ABANDON you wife and children for a "fantasy" life? Do you think your wife cares about your money and will be grateful that you financially provide for her and your children after you abandon them? All this for what? Do you think your children will have the same respect,affection and love for you if you provide for them financially so they won't "want" for anything? How about "wanting" a daddy who loves their mommy and will do anything to keep her!!

I wonder if THEY think you are as disposable to them as you think they are as disposable to you????

Maybe your wife doesn't deserve you but I bet if you told her this new information she still wouldn't drop you because she knows what commitment means and she believes in it!

BTW I wouldn't even give her this information since you do not even know the fact for sure any way....for now, it's just gossip!

bdyod

I will tell you what I told my own husband... you can run but you can not hide from yourself.

You can't fix things by changing spouses when you are the problem. The problem? is commitment. If your heart is not committed to your spouse, don't rush into another relationship to mess that up too. At least do that one thing, don't repeat the mistake.

I am really curious what obligation you feel you are under to abandon your current spouse and children so that you can care for a woman and a child that aren't your own? If the child turns out to be yours, does leaving your children fix this problem?

myrrh

Thank you to all who posted a reply on this unpopular topic. I sincerely appreciate your honesty.

K, I think your advice is sound, and it's what I have been practicing to date.

Catnip, Eye opening approach, forcing me to look at myself. Thank you.

ktbunch, Thank you.

myrrh, Definitely hit the nail on the head. I know this is really my issue as my wife has proven her love and commitment through this.

* Situation update *
For some reason I still can't tell OW that there is no potential future together (although I initiated NC, via letter.) Child is 99.9% not conceived by her estranged husband and is in all probability mine. Now, do I tell my wife so we can begin working on our marriage or do I wait until further into the pregnancy? Is there really a good time? Now, back to working on my issues. I'm still not feeling anything when I'm w/ my wife. ie. She reached out to hold my hand, and I felt nothing, in fact I really wanted to pull away, although one of the things that was previously missing, and I was craving, was non sexual affection. Is this a normal reaction? Something just doesn't feel right. When does it begin to feel right?

myrrh, Are you and your husband still together? If so what's the timeline? Did he have issues such as I'm describing, etc? OR have you divorced because of his inability to get past his own commitment issues?

As always, any and all feedback for this rookie is welcome and appreciated. Thank you.

bdyod

Bdyod,

If you are not sure if the child is yours, but in the 99.99% probability that you wrote, the best bet would be to do the rule of radical honesty.

Until you can come to grips with NC, you are wasting your time and your wife's.

I would tell her that there might be a chance that the OW is pregnant with your child. I think your wife deserves to hear that from you so she can make her decisions to stay and work it out or move on.

I wasn't that lucky, my husband was afraid to tell me for 18 months until the ex-ow called me and informed me of the oc...I was two weeks post-partum with my second child with my husband!

I would have liked to have known that there was a possibility of a child so I could get my ducks lined up and decide with my husband on contact/no contact and child support issues as well as the DNA testing.

If anything, I urge you to be honest with your wife. If the child is yours, she will find out anyway. Be honest with her.

As for working on your marriage and going NC with the OW, it sounds as if you are still in a foggish mood. You need to examine yourself and think about your feelings, your marriage, your wife and the children you have already brought into this world.

Bottom line, you owe your wife honesty at least, even if it's "I'm not sure how I feel anymore" She deserves all the facts too, to make a decision to stay in the marriage and work with you or move on. It appears that she loves you very much. You at least owe her to be honest.

I hope things work out for you and your wife. Marriage is a beautiful thing and it's a shame that other people's selfish feelings can hurt so many.

Twiisty

Hi bdyod,
If you are basing your love on a feeling then you really need a reality check!

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, a choice, a decision. Why? Because you will not always feel like you love your wife.

Nine years of marriage has obviously taught you that because you hung in there without the feeling.

To me, looking for a feeling is kind of immature.

Regardless of whether or not you say anything to your wife about the pregnancy, if you have made up your mind to rebuild your marriage then GOSH, focus on that.

You are going to have to make up your mind and get focused.

Love doesn't look for love, (love seeks not its own). Love just takes love and gives love wherever it goes.

Love is not about receiving. Love is all about giving and giving without strings attached.

Apply this concept to meeting your wife's emotional needs and you will be surprised to see how it really does come back to you!

I also concur to tell your wife the truth now.

My h and OW are not 100 percent sure if it's my H's either. But will ow get a prenatal test? NOOOOOO Prenatal tests are available and I suggest that you have the ow trot right on down and have the prenatal test done NOW. It's bad enough to know an affair happened. But to also make your wife sit and think about a baby and the 50/50 shot of it being your kid or not just goops up the equation even more. Also just for info sake, if the ow refuses the man may file a court order to have it done. In my case my h won't do it, he doesn't want to make the ow mad. He lives in lala land and believes she will ask nothing of him ever if he doesn't make waves. YEA RIGHT Wait until that baby is crying all night long and she has no help, I guarantee that chick will be bangin on our door.

I received news @ lunch from OW that she had a miscarriage, last night. This news comes three days after I told my wife about the pregnancy.

If anything good comes out of this affair, it will probably be that I am now going into therapy. As myrrh earlier wrote, I can run but can't hide from myself. I seriously think the fog might be beginning to clear. My feeling is that I need to work on some of my own issues (from as far back as childhood perhaps) before I/we can address the health of our marriage.

We are contemplating a plan B at this time for me to get my head on straight and for my wife to sort out her thoughts on this betrayal. In not wanting to push my wife and family away, this sort of seems like a good idea.

Does anyone have any experience with a situation such as this?

As always all feedback is appreciated. Thank you.

bdyod

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bdyod:
<strong>

We are contemplating a plan B at this time for me to get my head on straight and for my wife to sort out her thoughts on this betrayal. In not wanting to push my wife and family away, this sort of seems like a good idea.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">=^^= Hey...what about PLAN A??? Are you telling us that you are going from zero to Plan B, bypassing Plan A altogether? That's putting the cart before the horse.

It sounds to me that you really don't want this marriage and that you are pushing your wife away. Could this be true? Also, why do you need to remove yourself from the home to get therapy to address childhood issues? Is this an excuse?

Not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand your true motives here.

Originally posted by bdyod:
I've been married for almost 9 years w/ 2 small children (3yrs & 4yrs).

THIS should get your head on straight!

YOU have created a FAMILY. Two small children and a wife .... and all the trimings of extended family.

And now YOU are going into "plan B"...? What are you thinking? What adolescent wound licking are you entitled to?

YOU are a grown man with a FAMILY.... Take care of your family .... and YOUR self-esteem will soar. Run from your family .... and your mind will further sink into the "poor me" muck.

Plan B is NOT something two married people decide. Noooo. Plan B is a strategy for the betrayed spouse to separate him/her self from the WS in order to avoid the pain of the WS CONTINUING an affair.

Plan B is NOT a mutual decision to separate. You are confused.

If you have stopped the affair .... what is the purpose of separation?

YOU are a MAN who is supposed to be the LEADER in his FAMILY.

Your JOB is to be a PROVIDER for YOUR family. This includes providing for financial, emotional and spiritual needs.

YOUR job is to be a MAN ...who takes a leadership position... and who is THE person your family can rely upon.

Are you going to cut and run?

Are you going to take a "time out"?

Are you going to abandon your family when they need you the most?

or.....

Are you willing to step up .. and be a real man?

It's time you started thinking like a family man.

Do the right thing.

Pep

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Anyone catch Dr. Phil yesterday (Dec 4th)?

Subject was .... "The Role Of A Man In The Family"

Go to drphil.com .... and look up that show.

It was excellent.

Pep

PS .... the second couple on the show (engaged and living together with her 2 kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) have a relationship "born from infidelity" per Dr. Phil. THIS guy was being physically violent with his live-in. Interesting. He said he felt very guilty about leaving his "wife and children" for the OW !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>