Hello all
It has been very, very emotional around here. To refresh you, about two and a half months ago, I discovered that my H had an A with my best friend and she got pregnant. I was pregnant at the same time as well, and our daughters are now 9 years old and three months apart in age. They are best friends.
I was (am still) devastated by this news and I have been going to counseling to help me deal with it, I actually see two separate counselors. One to help me emotionally, the other on what to do about the situation and how it will impact my family, etc. My H goes to counseling with me and he also sees an alcohol counselor. I think that ten years of guilt is possibly what drove him to drink. We are starting to heal and for the first time in years are really communicating and things are so much better than they ever were. I still cry alot but I think time will help that.
Whenever I saw FOW I was having panic attacks because I had so much to say to her and I had to be so careful of what I said in public because of the OC, it would be terrible if her D heard from strangers that my H is her father. It was even hard for me to call FOW because we just have so much history and I am so hurt, she was my best friend, I shared so much with her. I still can't believe it. The lies are SO BIG! Even her husband knew of the A and the fact that OC was my H's.(well it was 2 A's, they had a second go 'round after the birth of OC) I still feel so foolish because I never suspected a thing.
So I wrote FOW a letter, I actually wrote her about 30 letters and I got all of my anger and sadness out in these letters. I kept on re-writing until I felt better and I had a letter that expressed exactly what I wanted to say, without being too nasty because I still want OC involved in our lives and if I was too much of a b*tch then I could have jeopardize that, I thought.
Last Tuesday I went over to FOW house to give her the letter. We started to talk and I told her that because so many people suspect that her D is my H child, that she should probably discuss with her husband the possibility of telling this child the truth in the near future. I was not prepared for what happened next. As soon as I left her, she told her D, and her other children the truth. I had suggested waiting until the Christmas break or Spring break or even later so she had time to prepare and do it the right way. I don't think that I was even prepared to tell my children that they have a sister. But now it is out and there was no choice but to tell. My family, or friends don't even know!
My H sat down with our kids and told them that this child is their sister. The two older kids are OK, but the youngest who is best friends with this OC is not doing very well. She is in shock I think. She keeps hitting her head on the bed or couch or with her hand trying to get it out of her brain, saying "this is not normal" and "I hope this is a dream."
Ahhhh!!!! I am calling my counselor because I don't know what to do.
I continue to be amazed at how stupid and selfish the FOW is. At the very least I would have though she would have waited for the weekend to give the kids a break from school and all the talk that is going on. My D went to school because she really wanted to see her best friend. But she said it was a horrible day and she cried and it was too much for her. My son also was upset that EVERYONE came up and asked him about it. I guess all of the fuss was going to happen no matter what, but I just wish I could have prepared them better for it.
The OC is embracing it. Apparently she wants to do a presentation on it at school and write a book. (she is a very dramatic and wonderful child) My D was telling me about the book, called ' Best-Friends, Best-Sisters - based on a true story.' kids eh!? I had thought that the OC was going to be the one to worry about, as she has more to deal with than my D.
We live in a VERY small community. My D and OC are in the same class at school. (I babysit for one of the teacher's at school and I asked her to call my children's teacher's and prepare them for all of this.) My son is in grade 7 and goes to this same school too. Once we told our children and the FOW told her children it was only a matter of time before EVERYONE knew. As much as I am hurting, I would not want to trade shoes with FOW or my H for the world. This whole community knows their sins now. My H went to some of his friends and told them about what he had done. I am so proud of him that he has chosen to face this head on. As for OW... she is in hiding, or going into town (an hour away) shopping.
I went to the counselor on Friday and I was discussing the reactions of my D and the OC. She said that my D is having the more normal reaction, and I have an appointment for her and for my son as well to go and see the counselor. Our children have to learn that the behavior of their Father was wrong. I am learning that our lives sometimes repeat the patterns that we learn in our childhood, and I am trying to do all I can for them.
The counselor said that the way the OC is reacting is like it is a fantasy and she may be in denial. FOW is not taking any of her children in for help with this. I can only worry about my children now, as much as I love the OC I have no rights to get her help.
I feel so lost still. OC came over to spend the night, which is wonderful, but now I feel like I am going to be bound to FOW for many years to come. I just wish I could forget the whole thing but it is impossible. How did my life turn into the Jerry Springer show or a bad TV movie of the week!?? I am still struggling with the fact that this happened to me.
I asked my H to go out into his shop and build me something that I could just go and hit and destroy, I have so much anger that has not come out. When I went to confront FOW she started to cry and I actually gave her a big hug to help her. I feel there has been no one here for me. Maybe beating on something will help me. I wanted to smack that woman so hard for all of the years of lying to me. But I have always tried to be be a good person and do all of the right things.
This is such a complicated mess. All of the people involved have had 10 years of secrets and lies and for me it is just like it happened yesterday. I think I am still in shock about it all.
That's it for now.
WHEW
