So he was supposed to come for dinner and talk about the divorce after the kids were in bed. So he arrives with the kids and OW. I flipped out and asked him what was going on. He said that he didnt respond to me email about dinner cause he didnt think it was a good idea. So I love-busted all over ranting about how normal people either respond in a negative answer or no response means "OK". He eventually yelled at me to shove the divorce papers up my [censored] ( there was a part that attorney forgot to change), flipping me off and calling me a [censored]! I am furious. What the hell is his problem and what do I do know?? Please help!<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

Rachael, I do not understand.<P>If you do not want a divorce as you stated a little over a week ago, why are you even addressing this? Is it because at this moment in time he is still with the OW?<P>When are YOU going to take control over your life? If YOU decide you want the marriage, then you have to start really doing the plan A full force as long as you can. If YOU still want to work on the marriage, and can't lovebust, then go to plan B and work on you! Stall this divorce - a property or debt division can do that in the State of MN.<P>Quit letting the ups and downs of your husband's confusion with the OW dictate the decisions you make in your life! I think you rushed this divorce to punish him in a fit of anger. And you are angry again, because he ran back to the OW, and now pushing for it again.<P>I know you want this marriage to work. Now, darnit - be pleasant, not really agreeable, but find a way to communicate without lovebusting. You are not helping your situation at all!!!<P>(I don't mean this to be a slam, but I need to get through to you AGAIN!!!!) We are your friends. Don't just start another post so you don't have to address this, either.<P>Connie

Camarinick - I have to agree with TNT and I will explain why.....<P>You are letting his messed up brain cause yours to be messed up also. Can;t keep doing that!! There needs to be someone who has some stability...it sure isn't H so that someone is you!!!<P>You have control over your thinking and what you choose to do for yourself and your children to improve your lives. <P>No matter what you try - you will never have control over your H's thoughts or actions. NOTHING you attempt will give you control over them.<P>You are sending mixed messages and letting his actions and words dictate how you act and what you say. WHY??<P>Does getting angry and reacting with a "I'll show you" attitude get either of you anywhere? I don't think it does and I don't think it will - except maybe to a nervous breakdown for you!! Don't let that happen - time to take the reins in a productive manner.<P>Follow what you have learned here!! We will help you!!!! We don't like to see your pain and anger. You might nopt be aware of it but it affects your children also. You are stronger than you believe and can create a happy and healthy atmosphere around yourself if you use all that energy that you have used playing tit-for-tat with H and redirect it into calming yourself and looking for improvement and happiness within!!<P>HUGS AND STRENGTH to you - we care about you and want you to help us help you.<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 07, 1999).]

hi cam,<BR>are you both as confused as I think you are? Ditto what the others said. <BR>Be the strong one for you kids-they really do need you now. Let them feel safe with one parent that has it together. Even if you do not feel that way, play the role and the feelings will follow. <BR>Can these papers just be put on hold for awhile until you know what you want? Give yourself some time rachel. If there is not emergency, then just wait it out a little longer?<BR>(((hugs))) for you and the kids!

As far as taking control, that is what I am doing. That is why I started the divorce in the first place. There is no property and there is no debt to divide. We already agree on child support and custody issues so really there is no issue to hold things up. No, I do not want this divorce. But, he is still living with and building a life with the OW. If he would actually have the guts to recommit to our marriage, then that would be a different story. But although he has admitted to making a huge mistake, he still places partial blame on me and still refuses to leave her and reinvest in our relationship. I will not tolerate that, for myself and for our children. So, that leaves me with no choice. I started the divorce 2 months ago with the hope that he would become the person that I know and love. But he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me so, I will set a date for the final hearing. Sometimes taking control means not sitting around waiting for them to wake up. Waiting for months and years is really letting someone else control you. This plan B crap only works if the spouse can really see what they have done and make the choice to fix things. Otherwise it just stalls one's life and you end up doing everything based on the spouse. I see it on this board and despite a few, most of you are not getting on with your lives. Most of you are letting your spouse's actions/attitudes control your life. Whether it is through direct contact or staying in plan B because of their choices. By doing plan B they ARE controlling you and you don't even see it. I am getting on with my life because I will can't fight for something that isn't going to happen. And no, I did not rush into the divorce. This is my life and the lives of my children and I will not ruin those lives by waiting around for my H as if he is by life and breath. Yes I love him, but I can have a life without him.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

camarinick,<P>I'm confused. If you are so positive that divorce is what you want, what advice are you looking for?<P>I've said to you before that I believe your anger controls your decisions. I still see that in your posts. You are making your choices based on HIM and what HE does. Not on YOU and what you TRULY want. If you are sure you want a divorce, then why are you inviting him over, why are you concerned about him having OW with, why does he have so much power over you that he can still upset you so easily?<P>I think you are looking for things to be angry about. I don't want to debate anything with you, but I would've taken a "no response" answer as a "NO". But you chose to assume it meant yes and then became angry when it was different.<P>I believe Harley's principles can work when followed. But you need to first decide what you want. If you want the marriage, then you need to WORK to save it. If you don't, then stop letting him upset you. We are here to help you, but you first must decide what it is you want help with.

Many people in Plan B think plan B is to cause a reaction out of husband/wife - a last ditch effort of a sort of punishment. But plan B is nothing like that at all. That is not the purpose. If you keep the goal absolutely clear, I think it is harder to get side tracked on plan B.<P>Plan B is simply having NO CONTACT and focusing on you. It is not punishing husband, or divorcing him, or controlling him, or making any decisions because of what he does or doesn't do. It is totally un-about him. It is Totally 100% about YOU. <P>Now, in plan B you can stall the divorce or whatever you want, but you give both of you T.I.M.E. to make decisions you can live with the rest of your life. It gives you the ability to keep your goal focused on YOU, your health, your mental outlook, becoming non-dependent on H, and keeping your options open for reconciliation. If reconciliation does not happen within a certain time frame that YOU decide on, then it is very simple to finalize the divorce, but by that time it is without emotion.<P>It also is a prevention of sorts for making bad decisions based on emotions, rather than healthy mental attitudes.<P>Shoni is right. Plan B has nothing to do with reacting to wayward spouses confusion.

CAM, i think you are may be my twin!!! Reading your response is exactly how I am. I let my anger take control and fly off with divorce papers and all thinking that since he hurt me then I have to get him back. I know I am a very vengeful person and I don't apologize for it, but I do realize that I let him get to me so much that I fly off with hateful words and actions. I understand how you feel. "He has gone on with his life with this OW, why should I sit and waste my life waiting for him to decide that it is me he wants"!! Not only is that mental torture, but it does some serious damage to a woman's ego!!! A few weeks ago, we had a serious fight with me calling the cops to get him out of the house (i was very physical). Well he did move his stuff out and I realized that it was not what I wanted at all. My friends kept telling me to talk to him and tell him but my pride was winning saying "Fugh THAT, if i have nothing else I have my pride, and if he really wanted me he would make the first move". Well when he moved his stuff out that is when I said, "Hey, this is my family I am putting my pride and anger against". So i said to myself, I will extend my hand and tell him that I want him to come home, that I want my marriage and I want us to work on this. If he say's no, then yes It will hurt like hell, but I know I will survive no matter what, but I at least I had to give it one more try before throwing out years together and do it for our children also. Believe me just like my name says, it is very hard for me to forgive and even harder for me to say I am sorry. I am very stubborn and if you do me wrong you will get yours double! I am trying to work on that and things have been better for me. Some days are good and some are bad. But life is two short to have all of this emotional baggage going on inside you, because one day YOU WILL EXPLODE as I did! Please read my post about the 2 ladies killed in Atlanta!! Good luck, I just wanted to give you somethings to think about.

I had been in Plan B up until a few weeks ago. That is when he decided he wanted to be with me and then changed his mind. Won't do it. Won't let him have his whims. Because if he is not a big enough man to simply choose the right thing and stick to that choice then I don't want him anyway. He wanted out and bringing the OW when we were supposed to be discussing the divorce was not the plan. He needs to stick to the rules, otherwise he can simply go through my attorney. As for angry, sometimes I am angry with him, but this is about protecting me and letting him jack me around is not protecting me or my children.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

Plan B, with NO CONTACT does not allow you or your children to be jacked around. How can you have a fire if you take away the fuel?<P><BR>So you are saying that it is better for you to punish him, and go completely against what YOU want (your marriage to work) ....????<p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 07, 1999).]

I am giving him what he seems to want. That is the most selfless thing I can do. Also, why should I sit around waiting for something that will not happen. That only make me look pathetic and like I can't get on with my life. You can't have a marriage when one side is not interested.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>