I am waiting on our MC appointment (Dec. 10). I cant wait to go. I really need help! I know that my H needs it just as much. Im still at such a loss. OW is now almost 5 months pregent. He really wants to be a part of this childs life and I am willing to be also if I thought that I could trust that something wouldnt happen again between them again. I asked him to work on us then we can come together and talk about the child. But it seems he cant do that. I used to have lots of LB when we talk (doesnt want to talk much, just sits there and looks at me). But I get better everyday as long as something doesnt come up about them or the baby. I dont mean to. I tell him that I'll get better. I dont know what to do. We need some help bad!
He says that he loves me and always did. He still cares for her alot. She hurt him, I think that he is confussed. He thinks that she used him for a baby (her H didnt want another) and child support (she didnt want to work, H made her get a job). I think that she might still have feelings for him also. She says not but what he has told me, I know that she is just being good for now for her husband and child. (Before he told me about the A, they thought that both of them would be together because the spouses would leave them, well we didnt, but she asked my H if the B was a boy could they try for a girl? H said that he didnt answer. Messed up!!!!!) I know that I need to win him back, but I dont trust her at all.
I dont know what to think about this baby either! I dont think that I can even think of it untill I know that H and I are fine! But he seems like its so important to him because its his baby!He doesnt push it on me. But it seems like he dont understand why I cant let it go. He messed up. Yeah really messed up. I guess selfish people will only really truly think about themselves, but he is trying. Im so confussed!!!!!!
I dont know what to think about the baby actually being born and him wanting to be there maybe. Of couse he will! I know that he will go see it even if I really didnt want him too. He would sneak and do it.
How did everyone else get through it?
How can I?
I hope that I can. I really want to be the better person here, but I find it almost impossible. I just dont want this! And he does.
Im so afraid of them still caring for eachother and im just going to get hurt more for years to come. People tell me I need to make him leave but it hurts so bad when I even think that he will leave. Plus Our kids are so attached to him now(8 & 11) that they know we are really having problems. Man this is so hard.
I just dont know how to get over this, still thinking that there might be something lurking around the corner.
sad

ok IN my situation we did not meet OC until Ow sued for CS. Ow had said she wanted nothign from my H and did NOT want him involved. We were trying to repair our marriage so thought that was best.

Fast forward 4 years....changes mind wants CS and I am expecting 3rd child! We get involved and thus have to explain and introduce this OC into our lives and all of our family's. WE did not tell them before because we thought OC would never be involved.

Baby born few weeks after meeting OC. 10 yo (9yo @ the time) goes into depression. I go into post partum depression pretty bad. 3yo (then 2yo)becomes pretty clingy and possessive of daddy.

10 yo doing better now but is "indifferent" to OC. Wishes she was never around but struggles because "he knows it's not her fault" (his words exactly--great kid!) I'm better now, not as much depression symptoms and have started to gain some weight back (lost 25 lbs, was extrememly thin) and "feel" better. No longer feel nausious, knots in stomach or anxious when having to drive to p/u or drop off OC (until yesterday) 3yo can't decide between "being mad @ daddy" and liking/not liking OC". New baby, (now 1 yo) extrememly high needs child, barely sleeps. OC....OW says she is an "emotional wreck" now and I think OW regrets getting us invloved as well. It has been a lot of stress on EVERY ONE.

I know our situation is unique because we were not involved since the beginning. Things might have been better for OC if we were but I don't think things would have been any different for the rest of our family or kids.

Our marriage has been very vulnerable this past year and it brought our trust of each other back to square one having OC and OW in our lives on a regular basis. It was like a maniac in my brain at first w/ everything. Mental torture every minute at first. OW was not very nice either and doesn't see me as trying to "care" about OC. Said many hurtful things to me and children....acts "sorry" now if you can call it that, damage was/is done, probably just as she planned)

Others will tell you it's up to you and your H or maybe just your H. Others will tell you to think of the innocent OC.

I WILL TELL YOU to tell your H to take a good hard look at you and your kids and ask him if he's really willing to sacrifice all he already has for a fantasy that will NEVER come true, because if he gets involved that is what he will be doing--sacrificing his life that he has w/ you and his children because it will just create a bigger mess to try and clean up after!

He already sacrificed you all once by being selfish to have the A but is he willing to give it up completely?
That's my 2 cents for what their really worth! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JUST FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND GETTING YOUR MARRIAGE BACK, OW & OC ARE NOT YOUR CONCERN NOW!!

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I typed a message back but my computer went crazy and I lost it! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thanks for listening to me. Even though I didnt get to send it, I feel better. These pop ups are driving me crazy!

DAW,
Am I reading correctly, is your H's OW still married? If her husband is willing to raise the child as his why won't your H let it go?
I know if my H's OW called up and said she had married and her new husband wanted to adopt the OC, he would sign the paperwork in a heart beat.
Your H should focus on you and your children first, then deal with the OC/OW situation.
If you are ready to accept the OC into your lives, then draw up the rules/an agreement of how all of you will deal with this situation.
Remember you have a right to make decisions here because it impacts on your marriage.
Most who have contact have the wife pick up the OC and take the OC home, this way the WS and OW have minimal contact.
You probably feel you are between the rock and the hard place. Good luck, don't give up on your marriage.

Texasgirl