<small>[ November 23, 2003, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

Cheryls,

I know that this is just a "venting" post, but I'd like to answer your question with your statement:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most of them tell you that they "love" you and didn't mean to hurt you, then why did they do it???????????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is often true (the "love" thing is not usually that they're madly in romantic love with you, but they have still have feelings for you)

The reason? Because they are going through a period where they are...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...selfish and thoughtless...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They're not thinking about you. They're solely focused on themselves.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. The pain may get better. I know that as far as I go, I'm about 98% recovered from this injury (my wife had the affair, and a child was born from it). But it takes time, and we are still together---you haven't had those opportunities yet. Hang in there...

<small>[ November 23, 2003, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

Cheryls,

I didn't realize that it had been such a long period of time. It's going to be hard for you not to be bitter as you are constantly exposed to the fact that he's having an affair (that's one of the things that Plan B mitigates---you don't see your spouse, so you don't have to have the pain of this "in your fact").

You have my admiration for sticking with this marriage for so long during this separation. Without knowing more about the situation, I think that it would be unlikely that your husband would leave the OC when he gets older and is able to "understand". That's probably the worse thing for the child. What's your read on how his affair relationship is going? Is it starting to crumble???

<small>[ November 23, 2003, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

maybe you should just give up on him and all of his excuses so you can heal (if that ever really happens) If you believe marriage is forever then.....keep praying for him to see the light and the error of his ways.

He has a number of things he can do if he really wanted to. He could get a lawyer and a court order so she wouldn't even be able to move the child w/o his permission. These are just excuses so that he doesn't have to think about making a "decision" but by not making a decision he has already made one. He is choosing to be w/ her.

He is being selfish and cares only about himself right now, not even his own child. If he really cared the most about his child and caring about him having a father then he would be providing his child with a stable home in a "committed" (re: married) relationship. He would be doing something legally to ensure that he always has a father in his life and not just being manipulated into staying in his life. He's doing exactly what he wants to do----nothing to change his situation. He could if he really wanted to. He is still being selfish and not appreciating the pain you are in and still going through.

Do you have children together?

cheryls,,,,,, my hat is off to you for hanging in this marriage for so long with the legth of time and the in your face attitude of your h. i agree with k that it is time right now to plan b him and end contact.

i have said it before that there are so many here like yourself that make me feel extemely fortunate. they have endured years of pain and torment that would have definately been more then i would have tolerated..

i only see your h as hurting you more and more by dragging you along with unmet promises about coming back to your marriage. how is he possibly going to walk away from a child in 2 or 3 years after he has bonded with him/her for that long? especially since he can't do it now?

WARNING ----- this is my opinion only ------

i feel that people are either one of two types. either givers or takers. while we all have some traits if each we also all have more of one then the other and that defines which one we are.

givers give of themselves. in a marital situation they seem to be the ones that always bend over to make things right. whenever there is a spat (reason doesn't matter and who is right or wrong doesn't matter) the giver is the one who either appoligizes or does something special to reconnect with their parner.

the taker is just the opposite.

now in most marriages you can see this in more then the A stage. if you look back thru your life together you will see that throughout the marriage the one who had the A was the taker.

bringing us to the why question. they were just doing what came natural to them and taking for the pleasure of the moment. mearly being selfish and unthoughtful.

again this is just my PERSONAL take (excuse the pun) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> on life.