When I found out that my H was having an A I went crazy. I knew right off who it was. I had been deniying it for months. All I wanted to do is lash out at him. I hit him and cussed him. Untill he left. I have never felt so much pain, even though I knew something was going on. He was extreamly distant to me, but denied an A when I begged him to tell me what was wrong (was he?). Well I asked him to come back, that I didnt feel right without him there. Things were not to good of course. I was still freaking out and he still cared for OW. One night we had a talk that led into me gettingmy feelings hurt. He was mad and upset so he went upstiars to go to bed. I didnt want to sleep upstiars with him then so I stayed down and tried to sleep on the couch, but the more I layed there the more upset and mad I got. Finally I went upstairs to confront him and I freaked out and jumped on him and let all my anger out on him for awhile. I know that it was wrong. My feelings were so rawl. Im the type of person who couldnt hurt anyone! I told him I was so sorry. I dont know if anyone of you has been through that before. Im sure alot has. I thought that that was it. I will never do that again!
Then a couple of months later I find out that he was talking to her again. Not one time but quite a few, he said becuase of the baby. I have posted about that before I think. But he lied again and I once again went crazy and flipped out on him, except worse. It was like he did it once again to me. I dont want to get into freaking out on him. I know its wrong. I havent any other time but these. Even though there are times I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. I try to keep my cool. If we get to that point I will leave for a minute and then I can think right. One of our friends said something to me today about it though. He has talked to both of us alone trying to help, because he is both our friends. Talking about abuse. He said that he knew that what my H did to me was the worst thing anyone could possibly do, but abuse is not going to get anyone anywhere! He didnt have a chance to tell me exactly what he meant by that, we were interupted. But someone tell me if you have gone through this. I know that someone has! I know that its wrong to lash out at anyone. Its not like I beat the total poop out of him. But the last time he had to hold me down and I was spitting in his face(whenI found out he was talking to her still). I dont know how anyone who hasnt been through this can say anything to me! Im not an abusive person! I never have been! But when you have your heart ripped out of you then they sh*t on your family you can get crazy! I love my H and want to work things out. He does also, but this got to me tonight.
I hate the fack of someone thinking of me as abusive!!!!!!! I wasnt the one who done life damage!

Doesnt anyone have anything to say about this? I feel alone. No replies.
Things are getting better between us. But we dont talk about what happened and what will happen. Im afraid to bring it up now because we are getting along well. I know we will have to soon though. He dont want to talk about it because I get upset. I guess I will just let some things go untill after Christmas. At least we can spend the holidays together like before.
Our 13th Christmas together. Last one for just us 4.

Oh, God, DAW...I am so sorry! I just saw this thread now for the first time...I am so sorry that this thread got lost in the cracks...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DAW:
<strong> I hit him and cussed him. Untill he left. I have never felt so much pain, even though I knew something was going on. He was extreamly distant to me, but denied an A I was still freaking out and he still cared for OW. I didnt want to sleep upstiars with him then so I stayed down and tried to sleep on the couch, but the more I layed there the more upset and mad I got. Finally I went upstairs to confront him and I freaked out and jumped on him and let all my anger out on him for awhile. I know that it was wrong. My feelings were so rawl.

=^^= I have to tell you that you are perfectly and completely normal. We ALL do things like this when we experience D-day. I took a brand new Landcruiser and smashed it deliberately into a brand new Suburban...twice. I slapped my husband in the face and beat on his chest with my fists screaming and crying while he just stood there taking it...almost wanting me to do it to relieve some of his guilt perhaps. This is normal stuff, believe it or not. There isn't anywhere else to put the pain right after D-day except demonstrate it in the most appropriate way.

Then a couple of months later I find out that he was talking to her again. Not one time but quite a few, he said becuase of the baby. But he lied again and I once again went crazy and flipped out on him, except worse. It was like he did it once again to me.

=^^= His actions prompted you to once again behave and react as any normal woman would react if she felt she was being deceived and betrayed yet again. I don't know what you are expecting of yourself but none of us are made of steel and when the worst possible thing happens to your marriage, sometimes in the early days before recovery begins, our emotions are like raw meat and we are desperate, frightened, threatened and confused. The rejection is more than we can stand and most of us never saw it coming or udnerstand where it is coming from. Many of us have been caught off guard. If we sensed something was amiss, we ignored it with all the activities in our day to day lives...it might have been there but only as perhaps a distant bell alerting us that something was wrong.

I dont want to get into freaking out on him. I know its wrong.

=^^= I don't think it's wrong to react this way...it is neither right or wrong. Just the way you feel at that moment when you are backed into a corner. Totally understandable.

One of our friends said something to me today about it though. He has talked to both of us alone trying to help, because he is both our friends. Talking about abuse. He said that he knew that what my H did to me was the worst thing anyone could possibly do, but abuse is not going to get anyone anywhere!

=^^= Your "friend"...does he have a PHD? Is he trained in the area of counseling troubled marriages? I think your friend should butt out. The only abuse I see here is what your husband has done and is doing to you. Your reactions were not "abuse"...simply cause and effect. Abuse is something that is designed to hurt someone on an on-going basis. If your hsuband doesn't like your reactions then perhaps he should adjust his behavior. The only thing that doesn't "get you anywhere" is the incredible abuse your H has dumped on you by torturing you with this OW and OC and then continued contact...nothing is more abusive that what he has/is doing.

But the last time he had to hold me down and I was spitting in his face(whenI found out he was talking to her still). I dont know how anyone who hasnt been through this can say anything to me! Im not an abusive person! I never have been!

=^^= These kinds of emotional abuse from our WS's bring out the very worst in us and then later, during recovery, it brings out the best in us. You are reacting out of fear and grief. It's temporary...this is something that is not you or a part of you. give yourself a break and consider what you have been put through. Be kind to yourself and understanding...give yourself a pass on this. None of this would have ever happened if he never would have done all the things he has done. If you are being "abusive" (by your friend's POV) at all, the burden of guilt for what you are doing lies with your husband...he has caused all of this, not you.

I hate the fack of someone thinking of me as abusive!!!!!!! I wasnt the one who done life damage!

=^^= Let your friend know that you won't be discussing this situation with him anymore. Some people "get off" on our drama and pain while we are in the midst of it all...and it's just plain creepy. They are the same kind of people who slow down to gawk at a bloody accident on the freeway. Your friend is not qualified to give you sound advice or has the right words to soothe and comfort you. He could be lending you a sympathetic ear in the hopes of you allowing him to "comfort" you. I had three of Bipolar's friends hitting on me in my grief...actually hitting on me! Women friends I wasn't that close to all of a sudden wanted to hang out at my house and watch me cry or something. If you need to talk to someone, call a counselor...a qualified counselor and read all the things here on this site and post often...I promise we will watch for you and not let you sit waiting for a response for days...that's so terrible. I feel so bad about that, DAW.

The bottom line here is that you are perfectly normal and this is a temporary situation. You will get through this, DAW.

Cat =^^=

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DAW:
<strong> Doesnt anyone have anything to say about this? I feel alone. No replies.

=^^+ You are not alone, DAW even if it seems like you are. Weekends are very slow on the forum but still, someone should have answered you before now...like me!

Things are getting better between us. But we dont talk about what happened and what will happen. Im afraid to bring it up now because we are getting along well. I know we will have to soon though. He dont want to talk about it because I get upset.

=^^= There is nothing wrong with going on "hiatus" for a while and digesting all this information. You don't need to revisit this and discuss it to death until it's time to discuss it all. There will come a time when everything needs to be hashed and rehashed but it doesn't have to be today, tomorrow, next week or even next month. I think it is smart to set a target date like you said, after the holidays. Get through Christmas and then begin rebuilding the marraige in earnest, if you can wait that long.

I guess I will just let some things go untill after Christmas. At least we can spend the holidays together like before.
Our 13th Christmas together. Last one for just us 4.

=^^= Why do you say "the "last" one for just us 4?" It doesn't have to change, DAW. Read the thread titled "OW Board" where contact and no contact is discussed at length.

God bless, DAW...

Cat =^^=

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DAW
I am so sorry you are feeling alone. You aren't, as Catnip said, weekends are slow, then this is a short week. People are traveing etc.
But enought excuses.
I remember one night we were in bed and my H said something about his A in answer to my question. I wanted to know everything, who, what, where, when, how, you name I wanted answers. He was not forthcoming like I wanted or as fast as I wanted.
I was pregnant and kept a glass of ice water next to the bed to drink during the night. finally I got so frustrated that I took that glass of water and thru it all over him (it was a full 16oz glass with many ice cubes). He slept in shorts so needless to say he was definitely out in the cold.
Then I compounded it by beathing on his chest before I collapsed on the bed weeping unconsolably (sp?). After I regained control of myself I expressed my opinions verbally. Looking back I can now laugh at the water. But as you can see you are not the only one who has lost it.
Frankly I think the emotional toll an Affair and its revelation take on BS are a from of abuse. The WS is abusing the BS's trust and self-respect. WS undermines every belief the BS had concerning their relationship. The WS in most cases withholds emotional support from the BS because the emotional support is reserved for the lover.
Hang in there, however find another way to vent. I later identified things I could break to vent my anger and frustration. However I made sure he was around when I vented.
Come here and express your anger and frustration with your situation. Everyone here has been there in some way, you will get the support from the group.
Take care of yourself.

PS As Catnip asked, what will be different next Thanksgiving? My Thanksgiving wish for you is that you and your family will next year be celebrating Thanksgiving together, a happy family again.

Texasgirl

Add me to one of the BW who lost it with their H. I remember after my H left for his OW, it was mothers day and he was upposed to be here to do something with the kids. Of course he never showed. So in my fit of anger I took all his stero equitment and threw it out the backdoor. Busting his speakers and cd player. I called him to get his crap. He showed up later that night with OW brother. When I went out to talk with H, all I saw was a neck full of hickeys. I just started beating his chest.

I did see your post and I was speechless (something new) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I just couldn't respond because I could totally feel your pain and relate to the frustration that a normally sane, calm woman could feel that only a "violent" outburst could express.

At the exact moment my H told me of A I actually laughed because I just couldn't believe it. I was so stunned. After a few seconds I started cursing and insulting him and threw my wedding ring @ him. blah blah blah, then I picked it back up off the ground telling him I had to keep it so I could try to sell it to see if I could get something for it to support son & I. He had taken me to a public place I think because he knew I would not "make a scene". Then I went home and baseball-batted his tv in private.

There have been other times that I just lost it in a moment of insane rage and anger. I usually don't break stuff because it's mostly my stuff but it's not because I haven't wanted to.

None of this sounds abnormal to me. It all sounds rather reasonable actually. I would take up some physical excercise class to express it in a healthier way. The key is to let it out, your body will let it out eventually, in other ways if necessary. The human body can only take so much stress and if it is not released then it manifests itself in other ways, sickness, insomnia, upset stomachs, weight loss, anemia ect.

I'm sorry for leaving you all alone and letting you think you were all alone in this. You're not.

Thank you all so much. I knew that I wouldnt be alone really I was just feeling bad because of that friend had told me that if the abuse didnt stop then he thought that we needed to be away from eachother and I tried telling him it wouldnt. I had no plan on beatting him all the time. He didnt understand. I plan on telling him that untill he goes through what I am going through then keep it to his self. It seems like it does get better everyday slowly.
I got my divorce care papers today. So I hope that H and I can sit down and go through it without arguing. He seems to understand what I want and he agrees. It just makes me so mad that he had the nerve to tell her that I was going to file for legal seperation to get my CS first! ahhhhh that makes me sick! I asked him why he did it and he said he didnt know. That he didnt do it to hurt me (of course)or to start trouble.
I'm just worriedthat now she knows what Im up to. Why people do things I have no idea! He had no excuse to talk to her agian anyway!!! Well I called her and told her to not to contact him again! In more words than that! I dont know what will happen, but H is being alot better. So far anyway.
Thank you all!
Have a great thanksgiving! DAW

DAW - Sorry I didn't read your post earlier. I am a calm person and have never hit my husband, until the night I found out about A/OC. I totally flipped - hitting, punching, screaming, scratching. I drew blood, and he still has a scar on his hand from where I scratched him. I also yelled at him to get out of the house, grabbed a knife, and said if he didn't go I was going to stab my arm and call the police and say he did it. That was the first night. Like everyone else, I have caught him in many other lies because he didn't tell me the whole truth in the beginning - trying to "spare me" and "save his own [censored]". Most of the other times were not as bad, but there were a few more episodes of yelling and punching him, getting in the car and driving away like a crazy person, and I can't even remember what else. Unfortunately, the kids have witnessed some of the fighting (yelling) and leaving in the car (they were out of the house the first night thank God). YOU ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL. Your whole life has just been turned upside down. This is the worst form of betrayal there is. BUT, the physical fighting does need to stop, and so do the angry outbursts. We no longer have those episodes like in the beginning, and I am back to my non-violent self, but it is extremely difficult to control the angry outburts (yelling, angry words, sarcastic comments, etc). I also have found that the boards are very slow lately - hopfully things will pick up. Take care.

I found out that awhile back that he had sent pictures of our kids to her so they could think of what the baby may look like. I was so hurt by this! I told him he had no right to send her baby pictures of my kids! Ahhh, That is disgusting! What kind of monster is he! He told me that it was before. I didnt care though! My god the things that people do! I was mad for awhile, but have kinda let it go because it was before. But today I was going through my girls (8 1/2 yrs) school work and found these papers on thanksgiving. All was great untill I get to the last page and it had
Certificate Of Thanks
Awarded to..."My New Brother"
For..."No reason"
Date...Nov. 26, 2003 From...Stephanie
Talk about ripping your heart out!
It seems like she doesnt mind that daddy loved someone else and that he hurt me.
She clings to him alot more than before. I understand that she is afraid that he may go. And he has never been the one to correct them or punish them and I feel like the bad one. The kids can be fighting and whatever else and he would be sitting at the computer like nothing is happening. We have talked about this alot and he is trying to get better but whenever she cries about being punished (shes a real drama queen) he will come to her and try to comfort her somehow. Even though I was the one who punished her. He asked her one day, "Mommy says in to easy with you" and she repiled, "yep, you are!"
Its like haha. Our son dont say anything about it. (hes 11) I find that ourdaughter and I argue alot more than before. I almost resent her wanting him more than me and I question punishing her now. Especially now that she wrote that on one of her apaers at school. I think that she needs help bad! I have a feeling that this is going to affect her very bad in the future. She is almost like a 8 yr old in a 13 yr olds body. It is scary!!!!!! Now this is all happening! Im scared for her. If she is mad she will lash out at you! I think that she is bi-polar. Now I have no idea what to think! I dont want to not talk about out son, I think that he is one of those who bottles things up untill they explode! I have talked to my mother and grandmother about this and they are clueless. None of this comes from me! My H's family has bi-polar running deep in his family and to tell you truth I am so scared of the future with them now. I am going to find help for them tomorrow! If I dont while they are young then it might be to late. Does anyone have kids that says I hate you because you send them to thier rooms? Or they tell you "you just hate me!"? She has even acted like she was going to spit on me or punch me in the face. She hit her grandpa straight in the face last week because she was mad! Then cried that she didnt do it, said that everyone was lieing after it happened.
Sorry for this being so long but its bothering me right now. Just wanted to get ot out.
Thanks for listening.

DAW, it sounds like there is A LOT of tension in your home right now and everyone is reacting to the "madness" that your H has created in your relationship.

Your daughter probably understands a lot more and might be afraid of losing her daddy. Your son is probably upset too. My son (11 next month) reacted like it sounds your son is doing. He didn't say much but was real mood swingy, and had insomnia, sudden angry outbursts and sometimes would say things like, "no one understands how I feel!!!" and then he would not tell us or he would just yell, "I hate THIS!!!". I could just se/feel how frustrated he was but what could he do about it? What could I do about it? I couldn't make it go away.

My 3 yo goes through stages where he hates me sometimes or daddy or OC. Now, it's mostly daddy or OC.

I regret not going to some family counseling. That would probably be the smartest thing to do.

Your children are just reacting the only way they probably know how. They really have no voice in the whole situation and are probably scared that their family is going to fall apart.

It seems like I (as the mom) get the brunt of all my older son's emotional trauma too. I think that is just how it is for moms. I think children are most comfortable revealing their truest feelings and real selves to us. A priviledge and a burden sometimes. They are probably feeling as frantic as you, worried about everything all at once.

Take a deep breath as a family. Get together for a group hug. Stay home together, cut out activities for awhile and regroup. Talk it out together, let the kids talk while you and H listen. If they just can't talk right now then just go do something together to help reassure them of both parents love.

Things were pretty frantic in our home for awhile and it felt like everyone was going in a million seperate directions. They are hurt but they can heal just like you and your H can heal. They have also been betrayed so it will take time.

Family counseling would probably be the best thing to start off with.

Dear DAW,

Sorry you had a slow start to your post and I am glad that you got to hear other stories of how crazy-making this whole affair/other child thing could be.

I would however, urge caution. Please take your anger out on things, not on your husband. I know how the anger hits and how out of control we all felt, but I remember one woman on this board who got arrested for hitting her husband in the same situation. If your H calls the police, the almost certainly will have to bring someone "downtown." As justifiable as this anger is, I'd hate to see it be you.

I didn't hit H in the wake of D-day, but I was seriously considering buying a gun, that's how furious I was. I wound up checking into the hospital as much because I wanted to kill him as I wanted to kill myself.

Also, please consider from another angle. I know that men can do more harm than women can (generally) do just because of their greater strength, but we would all be aghast if Pops or K or any of the other men on this board hit their wives no matter what provocation.

Praying for your healing and the healing of your marriage,
MJ

Well It has happened 3 times in 3 months. Im not saying that it is right at all! I understand what you are saying. But that is so petty to what he has done to me!!!!! What I did to him was not that bad, I didnt beat him down, he is a man, stronger than me and he knew that my anger needed to get out then. It's always wrong to abuse your spouse, but it is also wrong to rip someones heart out and stomp on it like they are nothing, bla bla bla. I dont intend on ever doing it ever again. Just like he dosent intend on going back with her, who knows. I didnt think of anything at the time but the pain he caused me and I told him better him than her! He understood. We go to counsling the 10th!!!! I cant wait! I needed it back in Sept 16th! Ive been waiting to long for this... while OW could afford it and shes been going all along, thats not fair. But what about all of this is?
Thanks for your concern. I just want things to be like before, I guess they never will really. But Im trying.
DAW

Oh We are going to go to family counsling soon also. But our daughter said (she almost 9 yrs) said she's not going. She said that We are FINE. There is no problem. I told her she was going no matter what because we all need it together. Shes so head strong and I dont understand her sometimes. I just hope that we can get through all of this.
DAW