I am currently separated from my husband and just recently had our son. I am breasfeeding the baby and then when he is not getting enough of that I supplement with formula. My husband currently has three kids from two different women. He doesn't not have custody of any of his kids, but he spends time with them when he has them every other weekend. His kids ages are 7, 5, 4. He claims that he wants to start taking our newborn at six weeks of age to spend time alone with him and his brothers away from me and with them at his home. I told him he cannot do that because I am breastfeeding and the baby cannot be away from me because of his feeding every two/three hours. He wants to feed the baby formula when he has him. I really do not think this is a good idea, I feel he is using his stepbrothers as an excuse to control this situation. I left him because of his controlling ways and I feel he controls his kids too. I told him he needs to spend alone time with his son and that his stepbrothers will get to know him in the future. His kids go home to be with there mothers is not that my child lives with and have an attachment to them. I read that breastfeeding is in the best interest of my son and by him taking him away every other weekend is going to cause harm to our son.

Does anyone have any feedback on visitation and breastfeeding and step siblings?

From what I understand that the visitations will be less due to the breastfeeding. Check with a lawyer or the local childsupport agency. They should have all the details. I do know there would be no overnight visits. Sorry, just don't remember all the details.

First, did one of you have an A? Why else would you post here? I guess it was H that did. Anyway, do you want to work things out with him? Does he? I can understand that he wants to visit the baby, but he should understand that it is too soon. He should also consider your feelings on it. I think that you need to stick to what you feel! Think of yourself and your babyright now.

I DID NOT HAVE AN A. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN TELLING ME SINCE EARLY IN OUR MARRIAGE THAT HE WAS UNHAPPY. HE HAD EXPECTATIONS OF ME AND THEN WHEN HE SAW THAT I WAS DOING AND ACTING LIKE HE THOUGHT I WOULD HE WANTED OUT. ALL DURING MY PREGNANCY HE PUT ME THROUGH MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL STRESS BLAMING OUR PROBLEMS ON ME TELLING ME I CHANGED. WHEN I WAS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT I FOUND OUT HE HAS BEEN CHATTING WITH FEMALES ONLINE. HE IS STILL DOING THIS CLAIMING THESE ARE JUST FRIENDS OF HIS. I DID ALL I COULD, I SUGGESTED COUNSELING AND WE WENT TO TWO SESSEIONS, THEN HE GAVE UP. AFTER I REALIZE I SHOULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE ABUSE FROM HIM, I LEFT. THEN WHEN I LEFT HE CRIED CLAIMING HE WANTED ME BACK HOME AND WANTED TO PURSUE COUNSELING. I FEEL MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO ME AND HAS LIED AND DECEIVED ME. I DO NOT SEE MYSELD WITH HIM EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE. HE WANTS TO STILL CONTROL THINGS HIS WAY, HE IS MAKING HIS SCHEDULE TO SEE OUR SON BASED UPON WHEN HE HAS HIS OTHER THREE SONS. HE IS VERY CONTROLLING.

pam,,,,,, i am sorry but you may not like what i am going to say.


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I supplement with formula.
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would your h not just be supplementing while the baby is away with him.


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I feel he is using his stepbrothers as an excuse to control this situation.
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i don't see anything controling about a man wanting to have his c's get to know their brother. it also seems perfectly normal for that bonding to start now. they should also be able to enjoy the baby while he is still a baby.


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I told him he needs to spend alone time with his son and that his stepbrothers will get to know him in the future.
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sorry for this statement from me but what you wrote here sounds more like you are trying to control his life. please remember that you don't have the right to tell him who can and can not be around the baby.


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. His kids go home to be with there mothers is not that my child lives with and have an attachment to them.
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they will never be able to form any kind of a relationship if you never allow them to be together.


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I read that breastfeeding is in the best interest of my son and by him taking him away every other weekend is going to cause harm to our son.
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to be away from breast feeding for awhile and to have formula as a supplement will not harm your son. you can always pump and freeze some breast milk so he can limit the amout of formula used.


he should be allowed to spend time with his c. i would not recommend over night visits but some saturdays and/or sundays from say 10 - 5 would be fine to start off.

The reason I would say that my husband is controlling is because that is exactly what my marriage was like with him. He married me to have me the way he wanted me and when he realize I was not going to be controlled, he started seeking attention elsewhere. He use to get mad when I would talk with my family and my friends. He felt I gave everthing and everyone else attention but him.

Regarding his kids, I feel that he imposes his wants on his kids because they fear him. When he came by to see the baby with his sons, we offered them some chips and he wouldn't have his sons eat the chips, he told them to wait. His younger son told me that he told him he cannot eat anything from us. When he disciplines his kids he makes them do push ups and treats them like they are in the marines/military. When his kids fights he feel they can hit each other because they are defending themselves. I don't want my son coming home telling me daddy made me do push ups today or one of my brothers punch me in the face. Those that know him all say the same thing about him, they see that he is very controlling and has to have things his way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When he disciplines his kids he makes them do push ups and treats them like they are in the marines/military. When his kids fights he feel they can hit each other because they are defending themselves. I don't want my son coming home telling me daddy made me do push ups today or one of my brothers punch me in the face. Those that know him all say the same thing about him, they see that he is very controlling and has to have things his way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Depending upon the age of the child, the number of pushups, it could or could be considered inappropriate. More details would be needed. I have heard of situations when a small child was made to do the number of push ups that an adult could do, has been construed as abuse. If you are talking a small number, then maybe not. All depends, you would need more information.

As far as encouraging the kids to hit each other, I have heard that that is abuse. If I recall correctly, a few years back, I think I saw in the paper a situation where some children were taken away because the parents encouraged the children to hit each other. If you have proof on this, it is worth checking into. I have concerns about a parent that is allowing violence to occur in the home. You would actually need to confirm this with your local social service agency

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

swh,,,,,,,,,

------------------------------------------------You would actually need to confirm this with your local social service agency
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please be very careful here. make sure that before you report anything to social services you are dead sure of your facts.

when my 22 yr old dd was 14 she was having a very hard time with life. she was very rebellous and caused fh and i much grief. ( i have writen about this before so you can look uo some old posts if you desire).

we were very religous about attending church and her and her brother were regularly active in the church jr high youth group.

well one day out of the blue social services (ss) shows up at the jr high school our kids were attending and pull my 13 yr old son out of class for an interview (was more like an interagation the way he tells it). then they knock on the door at the house and when fh answers the social worker open the conversation with we are here to investigate your h for child abuse.

my 20 yr old son who had just moved in at the time was there and when he heard that statement came out of his room saying that there is no way that was true.

when our 13 yr old came home he told his mom that they said they were going to take the kids from us and put me in jail if they substantiated the story. they also told this to fh. needless to say this was very upsetting and hurt many more people then me.

well it turns out that she had told her 21 yr old youth leader that i was punching her ib the face. the youth leader felt that she had to report this although she had never seen a bruise on my dd. ended up that dd finally confessed that she was just angry because we had grounded her.

this went onto my record as a suspected child abuser. the case was never dropped and was labeled unfounded. which meant that they just couldn't prove anything yet. so technically i am still on their list as a potential child abuser.

so like i said before make certain you know your facts before going to ss. you can ruin a persons life and destroy a family with jsut some **** -a-mammy story.

The reason I say that he allows his kids to fight back, is his way of promoting self defense. Many a times, one brother would hit the other and if the other didn't fight back to defend himself he would tell his kid don't be a punk and fight back. I dont' want my son to be a part of this behavior. THese kids are 7, 5, 4 and then my son is an infant, three weeks old today. From what he has learned from his childhood, this is what he is telling his kids. If they wrongfully do something he would make them apologize to each other. He has his good parent side but its his disciplining that concerns me. Another thing, when his last son was born and he was 4 months old, he use to take the baby to his first two kids mom's house, and every since this boy has called his stepbrothers mom "mommy". I told him that shouldn't be he already has a mom. I know his schedule and its flexible, he doesnt have a consistent schedule, most of the time when things come up and he cannot fulfill his visitation time with his kids, they end up going to stay with the his first two kids mom's house or her mother's house. I am really concerned about my son's mental and emotional health by being a witness to all these things. I dont' want him taking him away from me now and I dont want my child to call anyone else mommy. He has four kids from three different women, what kind of example is he setting for his 4 kids?

I did'nt say report it. You can call social services and inquire if something comes under the category of abuse. I have done it. I heard of s situation that to me was wrong, and I would never have done it. After calling and asking a general question if it was considered abuse, I received my answer. The person I spoke with thougth it was wrong too, but it did not come under the category of abuse. This is what I am suggesting. You don't have to report to make an inquiry.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

Pops my sister had a simular story with her daughter. She hated my sisters then husband and reason too, but not abusive like that. She wrote a letter to her teacher about my sister spanking her and thus my sister got investigated. All because my niece wanted no rules and to move in with her dad.....my sister gave her what she wanted. She moved her in with her dad.

all i am saying is be very careful when talking to ss about c abuse cases. if you are not 100% sure you can make a ton of trouble and possibly ruin families.

pam,,,,,

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I am really concerned about my son's mental and emotional health by being a witness to all these things.
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how long were you married before you decided to have a c with this man? did you not know how he was with his other c's before you became pregnant? were you planning on separating from him upon discovery of your pregnancy because of his parental ideas? if any of these are true why on earth would have have a c with this monster?

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I dont' want him taking him away from me now and I dont want my child to call anyone else mommy.
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this should have been thought about prior to your separation. maybe some hard work to rebuild your relationship would have helped. this again sounds to me like it is all about you and your trying to control him.


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He has four kids from three different women, what kind of example is he setting for his 4 kids?
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you knew this before you married him so maybe you should have done your homework and not jumped into this marriage so quickly. the question can also be asked what it says about you to marry a man with these child controling attitudes and who has already had (count em) 2 failed marriages that produced c's?

i have to say give this attitude a rest. right now like it or not the man has a right to see his child without you demanding who is there with him during his visittions.

let me ask you this question. if you were still together would you be demanding that his other children stay away from your house until your son is old enough to fight? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

I can give you generic answers to your concerns, but can't give specific answers because I don't know your state. In my state the fact that a mother is breastfeeding doesn't preempt visitation with the father. The courts here would tell you to either pump enough milk so that the father could feed the baby, or else supplement with formula. Either way, your breastfeeding won't limit visitation with the baby's father.

Hope this helps.

e.

I think pops has raised some legitimate concerns and issues here. Whether you like it or not, you chose to have a baby with this man. This man is the baby's father. Bonding occurs from birth on. Short of blatant abuse or neglect toward an infant, you are prohibitting the natural process of bonding. This can be detrimental to an infant's growth and development. Unless the court or social services determines differently, you have no right to stand in the way of your son and his father developing a relationship. That relationship may not be what you or I would ideally want, but it is their relationship. And why shouldn't the boys bond with their brother as an infant? We don't wait until are birth children are a certain age before we let their older brothers and sisters spend time with them. It seems to me that, while you have some legitimate concerns, you may be using this child to get back at all the controlling your spouse did towards you. And stop using breastfeeding as an excuse. You already supplement with formula and you can always pump breastmilk. I believe you need to get some counseling and sort out your issues with your husband, related to his power and control, and issues related to parenting. Please, don't put the child in the middle. This is what can really do harm in the long run.

I wanted to thank everyone for replying to my concerns.

Yes, I did agree to marry this man, we didn't plan on this pregnancy, we were going to wait, but God had another plan. From previous discussion with my husband regarding custody, his plan is to have custody of all his kids. I have concerns regarding his parental behavior because I have witness after marriage his true colors. I already told him his controlling personality conflicts with my personality. I really didn't think he would be this way towards me. I honestly believed he would love and protect me and we would grow together in our marriage. I cannot predict what he would do next because of how he has done a 180 on me with his behavior. Once minute he wants me and then the next minute he doesn't. I am not trying to control him nor this situation, I am just concern for the welfare of my son. Whatever he does with his father and his stepbrothers is their concerns. I know I have alot to learn regarding the legal issues of child custody and on parenting and I will do my best for my son. I do not prevent him from seeing his son, I just personally feel he uses situations and people to control things and I am afraid he is going to be controlling with my son. When I met him I accepted him and his kids regardless of his past and his failed relationships, but from what I have experienced with him after marriage, I see I am just another one of his pattern behavior. Now he has four kids from three different women and we all had similar problems with him. I just want to move on with my life and take care of my son. I am not going to put up with his abuse anymore. If I had saw these things before marriage I would of thought twice before marrying him, but now I can't go back. I have be wiser and do whats right.