I am the WS and the OW is about to give birth to our OC. I am not in contact with the OW and I am in recovery with my family.

There seems to be two schools of thought about how to proceed. First have contact with the OC but none with the OW, however complicated that might be. Second have no contact at all with either of them. Just send CS money.

On balance, from all of your experience, which is best for eveyone involved?

What is best for everyone involved is for you and your W to make the decision based upon what is best for your family, via the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA).

This is not a cookie-cutter situation. There is no ONE formula that will work best in all situations.

The couple must make the decision together. If one or the other dominates the decision then there is bound to be resentment.

grxannm:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On balance, from all of your experience, which is best for eveyone involved? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would start with your marriage first. What is best for this is what you and your wife can enthusiastically agree to---using the Policy of Joint Agreement, Radical Honesty, and safe and effective negotiation strategies.

There are lots of different scenarios that you can employ. One way to handle this is to let your wife mediate visitation with the child---she would handle pickups and dropoffs, or be present with you at all meetings (more likely with an infant). Another way is to choose the no contact, at least for a year or so while you continue to strengthen your marriage---and then revisit this decision at a later date.

Whatever decision you make---if you use the POJA, Radical Honesty, and safe negotiation to make the best possible decision with your wife, you will ensure a win-win for your marriage. It may be difficult for everyone to come out "thrilled"---the OC and OW may have competing interests that you or your wife may take issue with. My guess is that if you and your wife are on the same page---everything will work out "best" for everyone in the end.

(Stacia and I were separated at birth...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K,
a much better way with words than I.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have really good advice here. My advice is to put your marriage and your family first.

POJA is the way to go. Your wife has to feel 100% safe to voice her wishes. If she says contact, make sure she is not just saying to keep the peace.

Your wife has been deeply hurt. She needs extra attention and care right now. If you want your marriage to last, be aware of how she is truly feeling.

My OPINION on contact with the oc is to have no contact. I believe it is destructive to the family and asks to much from the wife and the children of the marriage. I feel that everyone does best to take their lives and move on.

POJA is necessary.

whatever you decide to do remember one thing...there is an easy way and a difficult way to do it. What may seem easiest for YOU, may not be to the women you have destroyed. Consider your wife and then once the decision is made, deal humanely (SP?) with the OW and OC. Avoid unnecessary crap, it will just prolong the pain for ALL involved. Clean up your mess and move on...and let everyone else do the same.

As always, K has offered the best and most pragmatic advice and I wholeheartedly agree with him. I hope you will follow his lead.

By focusing your undivided attention to your wife and to your marriage over the next year and following the Policies and Principles here on MB, your marriage will eventually recover and you and your wife can decide together on contact vs no contact at a later date when you are both stronger.

It is imperitive that there is no contact with OW on any level over the next year while you are rebuilding your marriage. If OW contacts you, you must tell your wife immediately. This will make your wife more secure knowing that you trust her enough to tell here the truth.

Your wife needs to feel secure and that she can believe in you again.

My husband never thought it would be possible for me to ever trust him again and made a grudging effort to recover early on. He thought too much damage had occurred for any recovery to take place, but he was so wrong. Once he realized that recovery was not only possible but probable, he threw himself into recovery and we are at a place in our marriage that is so rewarding to both of us.

It was a mistake for him to doubt the outcome of his efforts early on because it hampered our recovery. The good news is that he found the damage, while extensive, was not enough to kill us off entirely.

Ironically, five years post D-day, I trust him more today than I did back then, and respect him more than I ever did because he had the guts to follow through with us and our life together and has been consistently wonderful for a very long time now.

It takes a couple years to get past the tough times and recriminations so you will have to be steadfast and patient. But, as time passes, with your consistency, the trust and respect will re-emerge, probably more than before.

Hang tough and stay strong. I like that you seem committed to taking care of your marriage first and are willing to do what you must to rebuild.

God bless

Cat =^^=

every one here is right on-----put your wife and marriage first and with that as your priority, make all other decisions with your wife.

I was the BS and we currently have C w/ OC but it has been an emotional roller coaster from day one. OW has caused many unecessary emotional upheavals on all of us involved......it is pretty hard to have C w/ OC without C w/ OW, especially when OC is young. It has brought back a lot of bad memories and emotions and set us back a few steps but we are surviving together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just throwing my .02 in... I heartily agree. I am also a BS.. we're waiting for OC to be born this month. I have asked for no contact and my husband agreed. Later he asked if he can see the OC once, soon after birth. I thought about it and we agreed that we will go together... once.

Good luck... concentrate on your marriage ... and be totally honest.