Fairly new here, have only posted once I think. Would like some help dealing with OW.

OW continues to contact my H regarding her pregnancy and decision to keep or abort.

My H & I do not live together right now but are working on reconciling and him moving home soon. She constantly calls and "drops" in on him. He tells me every time she does this, which helps. However, it is really wearing on me, inhibiting my trust building and causing my H great sadness.

Every time she calls him my H starts feeling guilt, pain and becomes sad. It is hurting us and him, which I hate seeing. She even had the nerve to drop in to say that her IC told her that "he needs to stop running away from his problems." Oh, like running away from your wife and two kids is fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation? My H is trying to be nice because he really does not want her to have this baby. He feels that if he tells her to get lost, she will have it to just spite us. If she chooses to have this child, then how do we get the point across that she is no longer permitted to freely contact him with every twinge of pain or question she may have?

LuvMyFamily,

You're in a tough situation here, because there's very little advice I can give YOU. I think that the fact that your husband is telling you when contact happens is a very good thing---don't reward that honesty with lovebusting. You need to encourage it. You also can see how the on again-off again contact can cause withdrawal to start all over again. It's not good for your husband, but there's little you can do but suggest alternatives.

I would suggest that you discuss with him a plan that you can both mutually agree to that will help you on the road to recovery. Right now your husband appears to be living in fear of making a decision---worried about which way it will push the OW. I would suggest that the two of you make a decision together, without "regard" to the OW. She's going to do what she needs to do, and there's very little influence anyone else will have on her.

My suggestion would be "no contact" between your husband and the OW. Have him change his number. Put in a written request to her. Get a lawyer, if necessary, and a TRO if things get out of hand. If the two of you can deal with this, draft a "no contact" letter to her that states that your husband will not have any contact with her again (regardless of the child). Contact should be through a lawyer. When she realizes that this is his decision, she will hopefully lose any hopes she has of maintaining a romantic relationship with your husband. This assumes that this is the path that the two of you can POJA towards.

If he's unwilling, just encourage him to continue to be honest with you. He'll figure it out eventually for himself.

No matter what your husband does, the OW will do what she wants to do, so giving her that much power to manipulate your lives and walking on eggshells will not serve you.

The ONLY thing I can think of is to read and learn and live the Harley priciples and make them a way of life for both of you if you have the remotest hope of recovery. NC with the OW is imperative. Without that, you two will not be able to focus on each other or your recovery.

Ya gotta clear the decks and stay involved only with each other until you are both stronger. Let the only contact with OW be through your attorney so you don't paint yourself inot a corner.

It's a delicate balance of doing right and not being a patsy at the same time. He can be kind and determined at the same time when he gives the OW his NC letter explaining that he wishes to rebuild his marriage to you and assure her that he intends to be financially responsible until the two of you have had enough recovery to consider contact. That's just a suggestion that might be workable for you and your husband.

Good luck

Catnip =^^=

Thank you both for your reply.

K, I had a session with Steve last week and he suggested the same thing, with only a slight difference. My H and I should each come up with our "ideas" of how we would like to deal with this situation. We are not to discuss it with each other, rather present it to Steve during our next session and he will nego. it with us.

I have always reward my H's honesty. I have told him that the contact hurts but knowing about it really helps me deal with the situation and that I appreciate it.

You are both right, she is going to do what she wants to do and won't change her mind no matter how much H tries to reason with her. She made an appt. but last night told H that she plans on keeping the baby. She still sounds unsure of her decision but I don't think it's going to change.

My next hurdle, the next 7 or so months. H wants to keep on top of what is going on for fear of being blind sided by something. I asked what else could there be and he said, a baby born with disabilities because she did not do what she should. Catnip, I did present what you mentioned in your post. Again, I told him that continued contact with her NOW is really difficult for me and inhibits my trust building. Howver, later after we are well on our road of recovery, I would be able to deal with that. He said that he understood that. Harely agreed with that.

You may have figured out that my H wants to be more than a bank for OC. He wants to be part of OC life. I am going to post another question aking how my MM have contact with OC. I would like to know how they/the wives/kids all deal with OC and OW on a daily basis.

H said this morning that he does not want to put life on hold because of her. However, I told him that we do need to consider the possibility of another child in some of our future decisions becuase there will be a financial impact. An example: We are in the market for another vechicle as my van is on it's last leg. We have considered going to a cross-over or SUV. However, if we will have 3 children then we may need to consider going back to a van. We were still thinking of another van and maybe we should just go that way, in case.

I can tell you that I am in almost the same situation. OW is 5 months and I am still trying to deal with the fact that OW will have my H baby. I had a really hard time with my H getting to understand that I could not handle him talking to OW. He wanted to tell me that it was his child and he wanted to talk to her about it. We have had a rough road about this. He was talkig to her without me knowing a few times, but I found out. That was hard thinking that we were trying to work it out and he was still sneeking talking to her even though it was about the baby. After I confronted him with knowing and calling her they said that they wouldnt talk anymore. I still question it but I feel that they havent. Now I am trying to make contact with her email. If he wants the kid in his life then it will be really hard. Hopefully he will stay honest with you. My H was so honest about everything but the fact that he still talked to her about the baby and how they both were doing moving on with their marriages. I think that I cna deal with things as long as no noe lies anymore. I hope that you both can work out things so you both can be happy. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I hope things get better. As far as when the OC is born, I hope that I can handle it! I hope that he thinks about me when it happens!
Good luck to both of you!

DAW,

Thanks for your response. I wish you all the luck in the world. We need it.

I must say, that my H is telling me before contact is being made and then calls right after. He is trying and is doing a good job. He told her the other night not to bother him unless she has a final decision regarding if she is going to or not going to have the baby. Not in those exact words but you get the idea.

Yes, I still get a little afraid that the A is still going on but that continues to diminish as time goes by.