So, now my Dad and and my sister and brother and the rest of my family know all about the A my H had with my best friend.(My H, not me, told them, it was my husband's idea to tell them himself, what he had done.) They know about the OC, who is best friends with our 9 year old daughter. I don't know what I thought their reactions would be, but I feel so abandoned. They are all so angry and upset and they want me to leave my husband, NOW.
I knew there would be judgements, but now they don't even call me. They don't want to talk to HIM. My sis says that if her husband did this to her, she would leave right him immediately. My Dad admitted he was guilty of having affairs on many of his wives,(married 4 times and is now in AA and faithful to new wife) but said he was never guilty of fathering a child, then lying about it for 10 years.
How can any of them know what they would do if they are not wearing my shoes? If asked about what I would have done before I knew about all this deceit, I probably would have said the same thing. But it is different now that I actually here and living it. I know my H is sorry about the A and OC. He cries all of the time and says he feels so ASHAMED and stupid and sorry about what he did. He is so sorry for all of the pain that he has caused me. He is going to marriage counseling and sees an alcohol councelor and last night went to his first ever AA meeting. (I think 10 years of guilt and secrets and lies may possibly be why the drinking became so out of control.)
Am I a fool to still love this man even though he betrayed me so horribly? I see him finally trying and changing and I am so happy to think that our marriage can survivie this and maybe be better than ever before! Yet I am so lonely without the support of my family. This A happened many years ago, and he has been faithful ever since. I know this is true because in counseling I learned that after OC was born, he had a second affair with OW. H did not want to tell me this, knew it would break my heart again - but also knew that it was time to be completely honest. No more secrets.
Now my family wants me to come home to visit for Christmas but I don't know if I will because it would not be right if my H couldn't come. I feel like I am being punished. Why is it so hard for them to understand that I want to give my H a second chance?
opinions about this would be SO much appreciated...

when it rains it pours and it just keeps trickling down doesn't it?

Your family ahs also been betrayed and are hurt by your H actions. They are defensive for you and it will take time for them to heal also. It is easier for them to "think" what they would do because they are not there living it and trying to do what is best for your BC.

They are also scared because if it could be happening right under their noses to their sister/daughter/friend, then it could be happening to them. This is hitting them pretty close to home.

I think we all used to act tough and think we would never "put up w/ this" kind of stuff, but once we are actually HERE, in it, living it, we have real choices to make, choices that affect others besides ourselves, choices that affect children.

You've waited all these years for the kind of H that your H is finally willing on working on being so why give up now? SO someone else can enjoy the good man that he is becoming? You've put in all the hard work so now it's time for you to reap the rewards. It was stupid, painful and selfish (to say the least) of what he did but it has given him a slap in the face and a major wake up call right? So if he is willing to make all these changes and try to make arrears then all the better.

Maybe you can talk with your family and (even though they should be sympathizing more w/ you) let them know that you understand they may be hurt by all of this but you and your BC deserve thier support and deserve to have a family and NEED thier support right now. If you can find it in your heart to forgive then they can too....even if only for your BC sake and even if only for the holidays. They are adults and can act like it. They don't need to have bad attitudes or say any thing else negative about your husband, especially not around your BC. If they love and care about you both they will be supportive of your decision to stay and work on your marriage.

You can do it and if they are not ready to support you right now then surround yourself with people who are!

And just remember they are talking out of hurt and anger too.....it is a shock for them too.

We always have to be the strong ones don't we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just like any trauma, it takes TIME to get over a betrayal. Your relatives feel this betrayal as well, as weird as that seems. An A that involves only two people really involves EVERYONE in both families, often extending to grandparents. aunts and uncles, etc. Everyone is effected by this horrible betrayal. It doesn't just hurt the two affairees and their spouses and children.

Everyone will hate your husband for a while. I had one girlfriend that said to me, "My loyalties are with you. If you hate him, I hate him...if you like him, I like him." And that's probably pretty close to what family members feel too. In time.

Now YOU have to be patient (again, something else that is unbelievably unfair for the Betrayed to absorb) and talk to your relatives and tell them you know everything and that he has been faithful for ten eyars and has been living with his deception all this time but now you have begun your recovery and you would appreciate their support. If they can't keep their hostilities in check, let them know gently that their attitude hurts you further during this diffcult time.

Good luck, God speed

HanginThere,
I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. No one in my immediate family has anything to do with me on a personal level now. They all thought I chose the wrong path in trying to work things out with my husband......they said I should leave and live in a shelter if nothing else or move in with them (650 miles away) until I got on my feet, but I should get a divorce immediately. Even after my husband and I decided on NC with the almost grown OC for zillions of reasons, my family has not seen my husband in 2 1/2 years and they no longer act like "we" can be part of anything as a married couple in the future, when they used to beg us to come visit them. They just can't get past the blame and the judgment of "what kind of man can step out on his then pregnant wife, father a child with another married person (OW was married at the time), go on with his life for 16 years before he meets this OC and all the secrets get poured out." None of my family will ever trust him on any level. Nor can they seem to even stomach trying. Like he is slime. And in that, it makes me feel like they think I am slime for staying with him. I get an occasional monthly call from my mom, but no contact from the others except a Christmas card with just a signature.

Then there are the 3 people that I used to call my BEST friends. One of them has dealt with it okay, but I seldom saw her because of distance from our moving from our home town. The other 2 best friends still live in the same town with OW/OC and neither of them have had ANY contact with my husband in the last 2 1/2 years since I found out about OC, and one of them used to come visit us every other month or so, but she can't believe I stayed married to my husband after he did this to me, so she hasn't kept contact except an e-mail about 3 times a year. She said she will never be able to face him. The other friend is a guy friend.....his wife and he and my husband and me have been couple friends for years.....he doesn't have a huge problem with me trying to deal with it, but his wife does and so I lost their friendship also. Makes me feel like the "sins of the father", have turned to "sins of the husband" and I had to go through all of this totally alone. And so I made darned sure that after NC was agreed upon that none of our "new" local friends ever caught wind of any of it; I knew if old supposedly trusted friends turned their backs on me for my decision, then new friends certainly would.

And my husband feels horrible about the choices and sacrifices I have had to make to stay in this marriage. But that is another one of those crosses that we the innocent have to bear the burden of. I am just thankful that Marriage Builders was here and I could have some support through the postings of others and I was not made to feel like no one else was being chastised for trying to salvage their marriage.

Deltamoon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deltamoon:
<strong> but she can't believe I stayed married to my husband after he did this to me, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOBODY can ever believe it or accept it at first. EVERYBODY says they would NEVER stay with their spouse if they did something like this to them...until it happens to them. Then they change their tune ...just like I did.

I always said that if my husband ever cheated on me (never mind him fathering an OC which NEVER ever occurred to me...it just couldn't happen!!!) the last thing he would see of me would be my dust. Hahaha...I was a BIG talker.

Truth is that most people stay together after infidelity unless it was an Exit Affair where the Wayward Spouse intentionally gets involved with someone else to have an excuse to end the marriage. And sometimes the WS has a change of heart even if it is an exit affair...my husband was one of them.

Some people will think you are strong and admire your guts and tenacity and be in awe of your enormous forgiveness. Others will see you as a doormat and stupid and insecure. A few will see you as pathetic and needy and a smattering will see you as valiant. Truth (again) is that we are all probably a little of all of those things.

There are a lot of reasons why we stay and go through this hell on earth. Could be a long and complicated history, maybe you have a few kids including babies, toddlers and pre-school or perhaps a troubled teen...maybe you run a business together, maybe there is basically a deep and sincere love between you and you are just plain addicted to each other and can't live without the other. Finances play a huge part in staying in the marriage and trying to rebuild. Some people just refuse to violate their vows even though the WS has violated theirs.

It's really NO ONES business whether or not you stay with your husband.