Hi Everyone,

I could use a little help and advice, especially from the BW's out there.

I was seperating from my wife and started dating another woman. I mislead the other woman and told her I was already divorced. Shortly after, I decided to try to work things out with my wife but the other woman and I remained friends and eventually had a short affair. We ended it but she got pregnant. I was not ready to deal with the situation and left the pregnancy for her to deal with- she wasn't able to go through with an abortion and I had never given her any feedback, advice or help regarding the pregnancy. I now have a little girl who was born 2 months ago and I have not met. I want to help with child support but my wife takes care of the finances and I'm not ready to tell her. I had a different affair a long time ago and I am terrified that when she finds out about this situation my marriage will be over. I know I can't keep this a secret forever. But what do I do about the child and how can I save my marriage?

The other woman moved out of State and I thought the axe would fall and she would ask for child support but she wants me to be able to work out my marriage and won't ask for any help. She's leaving it up to me. My first focus is my wife and our son. I was willing to give up parental rights for the baby because I know I won't see her more than once or twice but I also know that will put all the responsibility on the other woman. But I don't know how else to save my marriage. Any thoughts, comments or ideas are greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your time.
SO2

<small>[ December 03, 2003, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: startingover2004 ]</small>

Starting over, tell your wife. What if she finds out the harder way that will not show good faith on your end. At some point your xow can blow up because she feels you should be doing something that your not, or whatever and tell her. That would be far worse for your wife. If it was while you were seperated, unless of course you were seperated because of an affair or simular and trying to work on your marriage while seperated, she should understand better what happened although she won't be happy about it. Even if it's the other case, you need to be a man and gently tell her what is going on. It's the right thing to do no matter the outcome.

My feeling is this, tell your wife now. 2 mths ago I found out my husband is having an affair an the OW is due in March. Frankly at this point the hardest thing for me to get over is this seperate private life he lead for 5 months prior to me discovering it. Yes the trust is gone, maybe it will build back....but besides not understanding how he could do this in the first place, how in the world did he live such two seperate lives? He knows what I am doing all the time. If you tell her, tell her like you told us...You were seperated when the initial contact happened and go from there.

I understand people can make mistakes. Frankly I wish my h would have told me the first time or at the very least told me at all. Then I would have had some say so in some of the stuff that went on (if I knew after the first time). But I feel betrayed, I feel naive, a fool and I feel like he thinks I am stupid because he kept this other life going until I confronted him.

Whenever it comes out it's going to hurt and be the worst thing that happens to either of you. But for God's sake, show her some respect. This is her life too. Think really hard now, if she was the one to have an affair and a child, would you rather have HER tell you? Or would you rather it come out at a social gathering? A phone call? A medical emergency for the child? Or a grown adult showing up on your doorstep in 20 years?

If it was me, and my husband HAD told me I would have wanted him to do it at our home, no tv, no interuptions, I would have wanted him to sit by me on the couch, take my hand, an arm around me and tell me, "I have something I have to tell you, it is very serious and I pray that you know I love you with all my heart. I know I am going to break your heart, but I love and respect you and you deserve to know the truth....."

Good luck to you.

Most bad things in life can be avoided if you just put yourself in another's shoes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by startingover2004:
<strong> Hi Everyone,

I could use a little help and advice, especially from the BW's out there.

I was seperating from my wife and started dating another woman. I mislead the other woman and told her I was already divorced.

=^^= Were you seperated or planning to seperate? Was this seperation mutually agreed upon? How long was your seperation?
If you mislead the OW and lied to her that you were divorced when you were not, I think you are MORE liable for her pregnancy than if she knew you were still married (in my very own opinion)

Shortly after, I decided to try to work things out with my wife but the other woman and I remained friends and eventually had a short affair.

=^^= Did you resume the A AFTER your decision to work things out with your wife? During this time, did the OW discover that she was an OW and that you were realyl married, not divorced? Did she have an A with you anyway? I think we need lots more information...and no schmoozing or glossing over. This will be good practice for you to face some tuff stuff before the inevitable.

We ended it but she got pregnant.

=^^= Did she get pregnant during first affair when she was clueless and thinking you were single and available? Or did she get pregnant during second affair after she knew you were really married and had already made the decision to return to your wife?

I was not ready to deal with the situation

=^^= Too freaking bad...do you realize how whiny and immature that sounds? This is real life and you created a real life situation and now there is another obligation borne out of your deception...you're going to have to buck up and be a big boy.

and left the pregnancy for her to deal with- she wasn't able to go through with an abortion and I had never given her any feedback, advice or help regarding the pregnancy.

=^^= I hope you have been helping her out financially at least

I now have a little girl who was born 2 months ago and I have not met. I want to help with child support but my wife takes care of the finances and I'm not ready to tell her.

=^^= Well, you'd better GET ready to tell her. Your wife has the right to know this life altering twist to her life so she can make a decision whether or not she wants to even bother continuing with the marriage. Maybe she will want out. Regardless, you owe it to her to tell her the truth immediately and use the suggestions on how to do this from one of the previous poster who had a very sensitve and kind way to do this. As far as "meeting" your baby...that's something that needs to be determined between your wife and you.

I had a different affair a long time ago and I am terrified that when she finds out about this situation my marriage will be over.

=^^= What triggers these A's? Is it an eclipse or a shift in the universe that sends you runnning for an ego feed? The marriage might be over but this is a risk you will have to take since your trustworthiness is in question.

I know I can't keep this a secret forever. But what do I do about the child and how can I save my marriage?

=^^= If your wife is interested in saving the marriage, after the two of you have had extensive recovery (that means YOU have to be proactive in rebuilding your marraige and making amends to your wife) the two of you can discuss whether or not your marriage and she can handle contact and go from there. If you want a relationship with the child and you would be in it for the long haul and not just for a while, then present your desires toy your wife and see what the two of you can come up with in a POJA.

The other woman moved out of State and I thought the axe would fall and she would ask for child support but she wants me to be able to work out my marriage and won't ask for any help.

=^^= Man oh man...you are off the hook, financially speaking. However, this does not let you out of your moral obligation to provide for this child. You have an obligation to make regular payments to help financially support the child whether you see it or not. Your XOW sounds reasonable and fair to her child's detriment...there is a fine line here. While I despise huge miscalculated income shares being extorted from families of this situation, I strongly believe every WS has an obligation to provide adequate support in accordance with state guidelines.

She's leaving it up to me.

=^^= And hoping you'll be responsible to your wife and to the child

My first focus is my wife and our son. I was willing to give up parental rights for the baby because I know I won't see her more than once or twice but I also know that will put all the responsibility on the other woman.

=^^= And that's not right and that's not fair since she did not know you were still married...this doubles your obligation in my opinion. The deception was yours and now you are holding the lion's share of the responsbility for this mess and it's high time you face this with courage and resolve and stop complaining about how you "aren't ready". After all you have done, the LEAST you can do is to take your lumps and get honest with your swife and make plans to support this kid. Get DNA tests done too.

Good luck

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I had a different affair a long time ago and I am terrified that when she finds out about this situation my marriage will be over. I know I can't keep this a secret forever. But what do I do about the child and how can I save my marraige?

You are still in selfish mode here which is what led you to have the affair in the first place! stop thinking about YOURSELF and YOU losing YOUR marriage. If you are sorry then start thinking about your WIFE. She will be more hurt the longer you keep this lie to yourself because YOU are afraid of losing YOUR great life. Thinking about someone other than YOURSELF will be the first step to keeping your marriage, because YOU will be taking a risk instead of continuing to decieve for YOUR own reasons.

The other woman moved out of State and I thought the axe would fall and she would ask for child support but she wants me to be able to work out my marriage and won't ask for any help. She's leaving it up to me. My first focus is my wife and our son.

If she's leaving it up to you...then she wants you to help her or else she would have just said don't bother and leave us alone.

I am speaking from experience.

My H had an A, OW got pregnant, A ended. H is contacted, legally 6 mo. after OC born, now "forced" to tell me about A. I felt he would have never been honest w/ me if he hadn't been forced to and since he never told me about A to begin w/ it makes me feel like his decision to end it wasn't out of love for me but rather a fear of "getting caught" or else he would have told me and if she hadn't gotten pregnant he probably would not have even ended A. He was thinking of himself the entire time, because HE did not want to lose the life he had.

AND OW, @ that time, said she wanted NC and "nothing else" from H even though he offered to take "responsibility", since it was now all out in the open. Fast forward 2 years....got sued for CS and had to pay "arrears" for previous 2 years.

So there are NO guarantees.

It will not be easy but you can save your marriage. I would suggest telling your wife as soon as possible, although that sucks that it is almost Christmas. Expect the next few Christmases to really suck and be tainted if you tell her now, but waiting would sound like a really lame excuse too. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

a rock and a hard place! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>